Saturday, December 26, 2009

Happy Boxing Day!

Sports Pillows from Gifts Galore, 1977.

“For Heaven’s sake, Mikey, stop crying!”

“B-b-but I wanted a baseball mitt!” Seven year old Mikey choked out between sobs. “A-a-nd a football for Christmas!”

“And that’s what you got!” Carol pointed at the two sport pillows she’d spent hours crocheting. “Handmade by your loving mother, no less!”

“But I – I wanted a real mitt a-and football!” Mikey wailed.

“Oh.” With a sigh, Carol lit a cigarette. “Well, kiddo, I wanted to get a romantic gift from Daddy, and look what I found under the tree.”

“But it’s not fair,” Mikey whimpered.

“As Grandma says, if life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all his impersonators would be dead. She never got what she wanted for Christmas either.

“Now be a good boy, Mikey, and be grateful that you got at least one item from your Christmas list.”

For the complete pattern (and more Boxing Day snark!):

For readers unfamiliar with Boxing Day, December 26th is a traditional time to give to the poor, shop like a maniac, and discreetly return unwanted gifts to stores.
MARCIA LYNN® Crochet Hook
Size I-9 or size to give gauge
Hey, it’s SUSAN® and MARCIA LYNN®! You might remember them from such posts as See Dick. Run, Jane, Run! and I Suspect Tom’s a Dick too.

In the 1970s, SUSAN® and MARCIA LYNN® were America’s two most famous hookers! Er, I mean, women couldn’t get enough of S® & M®’s needle play!

Really trust me on this one, do NOT search needle play in Google Images.
Knitting Worsted Weight Yarn

Taupe (A)—2 oz. for Baseball Mitt
3 1/2 oz. for Football
Black (B)—1 1/2 oz. for Baseball Mitt
1 oz. for Football
Brown (C)—2 1/2 oz. for Baseball Mitt
White (D)—1/2 oz. for Football

Polyester or Cotton for Stuffing
C’mon it’s 1977. The obvious choice is polyester!

GAUGE: 4 sts = 1”, 4 rows = 1”


SECTIONS: Make 4. With A ch 2, sc in 2nd ch from hk, ch 1 to turn all rows.
Hk means hook, not haiku. But I wrote one for you anyway:

White Travolta suit
Forgot to dry clean only
Now stuffing for mitt
Row 2: 2 sc in sc.

Row 3: Sc across inc’ing 1 st at end of row. Rep Row 3 until there are 18 sts. Work even until piece measures 9” from beg.

Next Row: Sc across dec’ing 1 st at end of row. Rep last row until 1 st rems.
Rems means remains not REM sleep. But feel free to dream that a child would be happy to receive a sports pillow. The pattern designer did!
Tie off. With B work 1 row sc around outside edge working 3 scs on ea end.

FINISHING: With B and wrong sides tog, join sections tog with sl st forming ridge and stuff.

STRIPES: Make 2.
Gee, thanks. That’s helpful.

Oh wait, there’s more!
With D ch 5, sc in 2nd ch from hk and in ea ch across, ch 1 to turn all rows.

Row 2: Sc in each sc. Rep Row 2 for 14 1/2”. Tie off. Sew on ea end of football 2 1/2” from point.
Yes, that’s right, you’re to sew on the stripes. Let’s face it, you’re hung over from dancing all night at the disco, and just not up to the challenge of crocheting real stripes.
CENTER BAND:With D ch 19. Work same as stripes for 1 1/4”. Center over seam of football and sew in place.

LACING: With D make a ch to measure 18”. Make 6 rows of lacing evenly spaced by weaving ch thru st in center of band. Extend the 1st lacing 1/2” on ea side, the 2nd 3/4”, and the 3rd 1”. Reverse the last 3 rows.
Although, to be fair, it is sensible to do the lacing separately.


Row 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hk and in ea st across inc’ing 1st st at end for wrist edge (mark for wrist),
I’m all for short forms, but my first through I read “ch from hick and in east across icing first st”. Which is the sort of instruction I only expect from Crochet World.
ch 1 to turn all rows. Continue in sc inc’ing 1 st at same edge every row 3 times – 12 sts. Work even for 6½” from beg, end at wrist edge. Mark last row.

Shape Thumb: Next Row: Dec 1 st, work to last st, inc 1 st. Rep last row every 4th row and at the same dec 1 st at the same edge every 3rd row 6 times – 6 sts.

Next 2 Rows: Dec 1 st ea end – 2 sts. Tie off.
Which is lovely publication that can totally take a joke, and won’t sue me for copyright infringement in retribution.

HAND AND FINGER SECTION: Make 2. With C ch 25, sc in 2nd ch from hk and in ea st across, ch 1, turn.

Row 2: Sc in ea sc, ch 7, turn.

Row 3: Rep Row 1—30 sts. Work even until piece measures 2 1/4”, end at ch 7 edge, ch 1, turn.

INDEX FINGER: * Sc in next 6 sc, ch 1, turn. Rep from * for 4”, then dec 1 st ea end of next 2 rows—2 sts. Tie off.

MIDDLE AND RING FINGER: Sk 1 st of last long row then work same as Index Finger.
I suspect the designer thought people like me would snigger if she’d listed the middle finger instructions on their own.

Good call.
LITTLE FINGER: Sk 1 st of long row, with A sc in last 9 sts, ch 1, turn. Rep last row for 3 3/4”, then dec 1 st ea end of next 3 rows. Tie off.

FINISHING: With B and right side facing work 1 row sc around all pieces. Sew wrist section to hand section by matching 25 foundation sts of hand along side of wrist section to shaping, then ease inc’d sts of wrist along ch 7 of hand.
Oh yeah, because all that finishing is soooo much easier than crocheting the mitt all in one piece.
Sew tog bet fingers, stuff, and finish sewing all around.
Sew together stuff? Now that’s a helpful direction if I’ve ever read one.
LACING: Make 2. With B make a ch 20” long. Lace the 4 fingers together forming a cross bet ea finger on both sides.
As is clearly illustrated in the picture.

INSERT: With C ch 2, sc in 2nd ch from hk, ch 1 to turn all rows.

Row 2: Work thru back lp only, work 3 sc in sc. Continue to work thru back lp, inc 1 st ea side every 3rd row until there are 15 sts. With B work 1 row sc around working 3 sc in ea corner. Sew insert in place bet thumb and index finger easing side to fit.
Et voila! Two gifts your hapless children, godchildren, nieces and nephews cannot return to a store for exchange or store credit!

And if the kids won’t stop whining about the 1977 pressies you inflicted upon them; then just threaten them with this spacey 1977 Christmas special.

After all, what kid wouldn’t prefer to play with a sports pillow than get abducted by aliens on Christmas Eve after being harassed by bullies... oh, never mind.

Click here for the printable pattern.


  1. Hilarious, as usual :D

    My Haiku for you:

    What lovely gifts these
    To be cherished always (not)
    Complete waste of yarn

  2. Lol! I want your Haiku cross stitched onto a sampler, so I can hang it up in my living room.

  3. The Haiku is yours
    Cross stitch, frame it, hang it up
    I'm not doing it!