Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Last Minute Christmas Crocheting!

Big Rainbow Block from Family Circle Great Ideas: 112 Fashions and Crafts, August 1980

It’s almost the end of November! That means it’s time to wrap the last of your Christmas gifts, and double check your extended family tree to ensure you haven’t overlooked any of your second cousins (twice removed).

What’s that? You haven’t finished your Christmas shopping yet?

You haven’t even started?!

Dear God, people, Christmas decorations have been up since November 1st, and even earlier in North Carolina.

Yes, it’s never too early for last minute gift panic, so dig into your yarn stash now and start making those “My second cousin’s step-brother’s transgendered Buddhist sister-in-law’s here? Why, of course, I brought a present for him. Or her. Whatever, Merry Christmas.”

But how do you make a gift appropriate for all genders, ages, faiths, left or right politics, and – more importantly – left or right handedness? Why, it’s easy. Just make something absolutely pointless, like this giant granny square cube.

Is it an oversized granny toy, an undersized square ottoman, or a just right mid-sized dust collector? Who knows? The point is if everyone is equally confused by your gift, no one will feel excluded this holiday season.

Because no one enjoys being excluded at Christmastime. Not even the atheists.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):


Approximate size: 14” cube
Adorable child not included.
MATERIALS: Maxi-Cord 6mm Twisted Poly in the following colors and amounts: 40 yds red, 70 yds orange, 100 yds yellow, 125 yds green, 115 yds blue
Traditionally, rainbows have seven colours, both in their single and double configurations. However, indigo and purple were excluded from this granny square rainbow because both colours were nom, nom, nom’d by a LOLcat.

(Note: For more information on how to obtain Maxi-Cord, write to Great Yarns Inc, Dept. GSB, P.O. Box 6699, Hollywood, Florida 33021.);
Alas, Maxi-Cord was discontinued, which doubtless led to the demise of Great Yarns Inc. However, any 6mm polypropylene macramé cord should give your granny cube the right amount of abrasiveness to skin a toddler’s chubby hands.
crochet hook, Size N; bulky eye yarn needle; 4 foam rubber squares, each 12”x12”x3”; rubber cement; 1¼ yds unbleached muslin; white glue.

DIRECTIONS: This block is made from 6 giant Granny Squares which are sewn around a foam cube.
The end.

*sigh* Wishful thinking.
To make one Granny Square: With the red cord, ch 6. Join with sl st to form a ring.

Rnd 1: Ch 3. Two dc into the ring, ch 3; *dc into the ring, ch 3. Rep from * twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue with white glue to secure and trim.
Wait, you want us to weave in the ends AND glue them down?

I bet her Christmas packages look a lot like this:

Rnd 2: With sl st, join orange cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 3, 2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1. *(3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 2 space, ch 1. Rep from * twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.

Rnd 3: With a sl st, join yellow cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 3, 2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1, 3 dc in next ch 1 space, ch 1. *(3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 space, ch 1. Rep from * twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.
I’m worried that this crochet pattern is encouraging kids to sniff glue.
Rnd 4: With a sl st, join green cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 3, 2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1. *[3 dc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] twice. **(3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 space, ch 1. [3 dc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] twice. Rep from ** twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.
Just look at the impact that all this gluing has had on the pattern editor. There’s unnecessary double asterisking (it’s so intense) and square brackets have been thrown about willy-nilly [but what does it mean?].
Rnd 5: With a sl st, join blue cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 2, 2 sc, ch 3, 3 sc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1. *[3 sc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] 3 times. ** (3 sc, ch 3, 3 sc) in next ch 3 space, ch 1. [3 sc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] 3 times. Rep from ** twice. Join with a sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.

This completes one Granny Square. Rep to complete 5 more Granny Squares.
That’s right, this is no lame double rainbow pattern. It’s a super-awesome sextuplet rainbow!
Using 1 yd lengths of blue cord, whipstitch 2 squares together.
What? You don’t want us to glue them together?

All right, but I doubt whipstitching will give us the same brain-cell destroying buzz.
Sew the third and fourth squares to the first two, forming a long narrow rectangle. Sew the fourth square to make a band. Sew the fifth square to the first four squares to make an open cube.

Using rubber cement, glue the four 12”x12”x3”foam pieces together to make a 12”x12”x12” cube.
You know it’s time for an intervention when you abandon the recreational white glue for the cement hard stuff.
Cut six 14” square pieces of muslin. Glue or sew together to cover the cube.
I think we all know this designer went for the glue option.
Place fabric-covered cube inside the Granny Square cube. Sew remaining Granny Square to top. Weave in all ends, glue to secure and trim.
Of course you want to sew and glue this granny square cube up tighter than granny’s laced boots. Sure, we all claim that we wash our removable cushion covers, but we never do.

So, go ahead and ensure that this Granny Square Cubed is as nonwashable as it is nonsensical, and let the dust mites and bed bugs roam free.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

She’s a Maneater!

“Touch Appeal” dress from Spinnerin International Preference, Vol. 171, 1964

For a pattern called “Touch Appeal”, that gentleman is very cautious about getting too close to her. “Is it safe?” he wonders. “I know, I’ll poke it with a stick, and see what happens.”

Of course, he was never seen again, because she was actually the comic book villainess Poison Ivy in disguise. She pelted him with poison petals until his precious parts popped off.


Okay, so she’s not quite that fatal a femme fatale. Instead of superpowers, she clearly relies on her poor man’s Audrey Hepburn good looks to lure her defenseless prey into the forest. Once this maneater’s had her way with him, she’ll abandon his used up body for the other woodland predators to finish off.

If only he’d watched Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom, he would have known better than to challenge a cougar in her natural habitat.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Touch Appeal - Style No. 904

These directions are written for small size (32-34). Changes for medium size (36-38) and large size (40-42) are in parentheses.
Handmade by Mother accepts no responsibility if your dress does not fit because you made it on the basis of the sizes listed. Keep in mind, people were smaller in the 1960s and dress sizes were larger. Plus, these are European sizes, not North American.

Handmade by Mother is also not responsible should the title of this post cause Hall & Oates Maneater to be stuck in your head all day.


SPINNERIN Frostlon Petite (1-oz. balls): 5 (6-6)
OR SPINNERIN Mohaire Boucle or alpine (50-gram balls): 6 (7-7)
1 pair each knitting needles Nos. 5 and 8
1 steel crochet hook No. 0
GAUGE: 5 sts = 1 inch, 7 rows = 1 inch

BODY MEASUREMENT: At bustline 33 (37-41) inches.
BLOUSE MEASUREMENT: At bustline 35 (39-43) inches.
What’s that? You were humming Nelly Furtado’s Maneater, because Hall & Oates is before your time?

That is completely unacceptable! If you’re going to be infected with an earworm at this site, it will be a vintage one!

No need to thank me.
BACK: With smaller needles cast on 73 (83-93) sts. Rib in K 1, P 1 for ½ inch. Change to larger needles. Work in stockinette st (K 1 row, P 1 row) inc 1 st each side every 1 ½ inches 5 times.
Work even on 83 (93-103) sts, until piece measures 10 inches from beg, or desired length to underarms.

ARMHOLES: Bind off 3 (4-6) sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec 1 st each side every other row 5 (6-7) times. Work even on 67 (73-77) sts until armholes measures 7 ¾ (8 ¼ -8 ¾) inches. End with a P row.

SHOULDERS: Bind off 6 (7-8) sts at beg of next 2 rows. P next row on right side for hemline.

NECK HEM: Continue in stockinette st, inc 1 st each side every other row for 1 inch. Bind off.
I don’t want to hear any complaining about how boring this blouse is to make. When the apocalypse arrives, you’ll be glad you know how to knit your own blouses.
FRONT: With smaller needles cast on 75 (85-95) sts. Rib in K 1, P 1 for ½ inch. Change to larger needles. Work in stockinette st inc 1 st each side every 1 inch 5 times, every ¾ inch 4 times.
Work even on 93 (103-113) sts until piece measures 10 ¾ inches or ¾ inch longer than Back to Armholes.

ARMHOLES: Bind off 5 (7-8) sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec 1 st each side every other row 7 (7-9) times. Work even on 69 (75-79) sts until armholes measure 7 ¼ (7 ¾ -8 ¼) inches.

SHOULDERS and NECK HEM: Work same as on Back.

FINISHING: Sew underarm and shoulder seams. Turn Neck Hem to wrong side at hemline and sew in place, sewing inc edge to shoulder seam. Working from right side, work 1 row sc around armholes. Block.
Otherwise, when civilization collapses, you’ll end up looking like Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C.

Ignore your husband’s comment about wanting you to look like Ms. Welch. If he persists, threaten to feed him to the Sabertooth Cougar herself; 70 year old Raquel.



SPINNERIN Frostlon Petite (1-oz. balls) 8 (9-10) balls Main Color (MC) and 1 ball each Colors A, B and C for trim.
OR SPINNERIN Mohair Boucle or SPINNERIN Alpine (50-gram balls) 11 (12-13) balls Main Color (MC) and 2 balls each Colors A, B and C for trim.
1 pair straight knitting needles No. 10 ½
1 each steel crochet hooks Nos. 2 and 0
1 aluminum crochet hook No. 4
1 yd. nylon net for lining
1 yd. 1 ½-inch grosgrain ribbon
1 7-inch placket zipper
GAUGE: 4 sts = 1 inch, 5 rows = 1 inch

BODY MEASUREMENTS: At hipline 35 (39-43) inches. At waistline 25 (29-33) inches.
SKIRT MEASUREMENTS: At lower edge 49 (53-57) inches. At hipline 37 (41-45) inches. At waistline 26 (30-34) inches. Length 25 inches.

NOTE: Skirt Length is planned for 25 inches. Make any necessary adjustment for length before first dec and keep a record of adjustment made.

PATTERN STITCH: Multiple of 2 sts.
Row 1 (wrong side): *P 2 tog, leave on needle, K same 2 sts tog, drop from left needle*, repeat between *’s to end.
Row 2: Knit.
Row 3: P 1; repeat between *’s of Row 1 to last st, P 1.
Row 4: Knit.
Repeat these 4 rows for pat st.
Unlike an earworm, this pattern will not drive you mad.
BACK: With MC cast on 98 (106-114) sts. Work even in pat st until piece measures 4 inches from beg. Keeping continuity of pat, dec 1 st each side of next row and repeat decs every 2 inches twice, every 1 ½ inches 5 times, then every 1 inch twice. There are 78 (86-94) sts on needle and piece should measure 17 ½ inches from beg. Work even until piece measures 18 inches from beg. End on right side. Place a marker between the 20th (22nd-24th) and 21st (23rd-25th) sts from each end for dark markers. 11th Dec Row: K to within 2 sts of marker, K 2 tog twice, K to within 2 sts of next marker, K 2 tog twice. Keeping continuity of pat, work even on 74 (82-90) sts until piece measures 19 sts from beg. 12th Dec Row: Dec 1 st each side. Work even on 72 (80-88) sts until piece measures 20 inches from beg. 13th Dec Row: Same as 11th Dec Row. Work even on 68 (76-84) sts until piece measures 21 inches from beg. 14th Dec Row: Dec 1 st each side of each dart marker. There are 64 (72-80) sts on needle. Repeat last Dec Row every 1 inch 3 times more. Work even on 52 (60-68) sts until piece measures 25 inches. Bind off remaining sts.
However knitting miles and miles of this pattern, while simultaneously counting decrease rows will very likely drive you over the edge.

Which means you’re now ready to design your own patterns! After all, if there’s anything I’ve learned on this blog, it’s that insanity is a prerequisite for knitwear design.

You want fries with that?
FRONT: Work same as Back.

FINISHING: Sew seams leaving a 7-inch opening on left side for zipper. Cut a nylon net skirt to measurements of knitted skirt, allowing for seams. Sew seams. Sew net skirt to waistline and lower edge of skirt. If preferred, hem net – do not attach to bottom of skirt. Face waistband with grosgrain ribbon, leaving 2 inches extended at back for underlap. Sew snap fasteners on ribbon to close. If desired, work 1 row s c around zipper opening. Sew in zipper so that it does not show.
Sewing? Our knitted dress requires sewing!

Good thing all knitters love sewing, right?
TRIMLarger Roses (Make 19): With No. 0 crochet hook and Color A, ch 6. Join with a sl st to form a ring. Rnd 1: *Draw up a loop ½ inch long, pull yarn through loop, work 1 s c in back strand of loop (loop st made): repeat from * twice more (3 loop sts made), sl st in back loop of next ch of ring (1 petal made). Make 4 more petals in same way. Rnd 2: Sl st in front loop of first ch of ring. *Ch 1, work 1 loop st, ch 1, sl st in front loop of next ch of ring (1 center petal made). Make 4 more center petals in same way. Break yarn and fasten off.
Smaller Roses (Make 2): With No. 2 crochet hook and Color A, ch 6. Join with sl st to form a ring. Rnd 1: Drawing loops up to ¼ inch, work same as Rnd 1 of Larger Roses. Sl st in front loop of next ch of ring. Rnd 2: *Ch 3, sl st in front loop of next ch of ring (1 center petal made); repeat from * 3 times more (4 center petals made). Break yarn and fasten off.
And crocheting! Lots and lots of crocheting!

Good thing all knitters love crochet, too.
STEMS: With No. 4 aluminum crochet hook and B, make loose chains, working to desired length following illustration.

LEAVES: Work with 1 strand each of B and C in Lazy Daisy Stitch.
Don’t look around for further instructions. REAL maneaters already know how to make lazy daisy and chain stitches.

They also read the pattern thoroughly before they start, so they aren’t ambushed by the sudden introduction of sewing, crocheting, and embroidery. Not to mention, placket zippers which are a mutated plant/jacket zipper hybrid favored by super villainesses.

Okay, okay, placket zippers are just plain old metal zippers, tucked under a flap so that the teeth don’t show. It’s what 1960s femme fatales had to use before invisible zippers came along.

I still like my theory better, though.
Cut tissue paper – 1 piece to match size of Back and one piece to match size of Front of skirt. Trace designs below. Then scale to proper sizes for your skirt. Transfer enlarged designs to papers. Pin or baste the papers to the corresponding parts of Skirt. Beginning with the Back and being sure to sew through net lining, sew Stems over sketches. Sew 5 larger roses in place. Embroider Leaves as described above. Sew Stems and Roses on Front in same way, having the 2 Smaller Roses at top of design. Embroider Leaves. Cut away the papers.
Alternatively, if you’re not keen on embroidering roses onto your outfit, you could always just toss a few decorative blossoms over yourself. If you stay very, very still, in no time at all, men will be sneaking up to poke you with sticks. Sure, they’re checking to see if you’re alive, but once they’re within reach they’re easy prey... I mean, easy to impress.

“Little ol’ me, a maneater? Don’t be ridiculous. Now, put down that silly stick and come just a wee bit closer.”

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Darwin’s Granny Squares

Americana Jumper from Crochet World, April 1979

One Piece at a Time
By Jean G. Caprera

In her rocking chair the little gray haired woman peacefully swayed back and forth, the rhythm of the motion keeping time to the pace of her crochet hook.
Little did she know that the Crochet Hook Murderer was about to strike!
If this description matches your own notion of the average crocheter, then you are sadly out of step with modern times. Today’s woman crochets, not out of boredom, but rather from the stimulation of creativity; not solely as a consequence of economic necessity, but rather because of her need to express individuality.
Sadly, Jean wasn’t writing a blood-curdling crochet murder mystery. Instead, she penned the very first granny square infomercial. It’s so sad when crocheters sell out.
The concept that crocheted needlework belongs exclusively to the belief that the “Granny” is limited to use in afghans. Crocheting has become fashionable, and it thus should come as no surprise that the traditional piecework of “Grannying” should evolve into a more versatile product in keeping with these social changes.
I suspect Jean’s grasp of fashion is as shaky as her grammar.

However, she’s right about the evolution of “Grannying.” Crochet anthropologists have confirmed that this jumper is the missing link between blood-soaked afghans and scarlet women.
For the uninitiated, perhaps a few words of clarification as to what is meant by the term “Granny square”... First of all, the word “square” is itself an inaccuracy. The Granny can be a rectangle, hexagon, octagon, circle or even a combination of various forms.
Unfortunately, this pattern will feature “squares” instead of these intriguing alternatives. I hate to say it, but I think Jean is a “Granny” tease.
It can be a multi-hued blend or a single color pattern. It can be individual strips or delicate lacy insertions, but the one unique quality about “Grannying” which marks its popularity in this fast-paced world is its potential for being done one piece at a time!

Those odd moments... While waiting for your doctor or dentist... While patiently sitting at the bus stop…While enduring a long-winded telephone call... are all perfect opportunities for piece-work crochet. “Grannying” lends itself easily to these otherwise wasted minutes since small amounts of wool can be conveniently carried and the pattern is very often repetitive.
Repetitive stress injuries were diagnosed with growing frequency in the late 1970s. I’m not saying Jean was responsible… I’m merely implying it.
Recently, I was summoned for one month of grand jury duty. Piecework crochet proved to be the perfect solution for those idle minutes between cases which could have turned to boredom.
Law and Order: Special Crocheters Unit!

No? How about Law and Order: Crochet Intent?
Now I wish to share my enthusiasm for this special crochet with you. The pattern I have selected for this issue is a jumper designed for those chilly days of spring and fall. Because of its color choice (red and blue), I have named it “The Americana Jumper”.
In this case, jumper doesn’t mean a sweater made by Mrs. Weasley nor a suicidal Harry Potter fan. A jumper, according to the Random House Dictionary, can also be “a one-piece, sleeveless dress, or a skirt with ...a complete or partial bodice, usually worn over a blouse by women and children.”

Except this jumper actually has sleeves. My God, this means I’ve discovered the American missing link in the evolution of England’s prim pinafores into Australian groovy grannies!

I await my Nobel Prize in Crochology.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!)

(Rated “I” – Intermediate)
As opposed to “I” for Interesting.
NOTE: Yarn requirement based on small to medium size. Large may require an additional skein or two of each color.

Approx. 3 (4 oz. 4-ply) skeins of red.
Approx. 5 (4 oz. 4-ply) skeins of blue.
Be sure to choose colours that won’t evolve over time into Jack the Ripper Red and Heart of Darkness Blue.
Small – 32” bust; Size G hook to produce 4¼” square
Medium – 35” bust; Size H hook to produce 3½” square
Large – 37” bust; Size I hook to produce 3¾” square
Busts were much smaller in the 1970s than they are now. For instance, iconic pin up Farrah Fawcett was considered a triple D cup in 1976.

Or so my big brother insisted.

RND 1: With blue, ch 4, sl st in first ch to form ring, ch 1, 8 sc into ring. Sl st in first sc made.

RND 2: Pull up loop on hook to approximately ¾”. * Yarn over, pull up loop in first sc to approximately ¾”; repeat this 4 times in the same sc. Then yarn over and through all 9 loops on hook, ch 1 tightly to fasten st, ch 3. In next sc, repeat from * until 8 puffs sts made. Cut and fasten off blue.

RND 3: With red, sl st in any space between puff stitch, ch 3. In the same space, 2 dc, ch 2, 3 dc, ch 1. This will be a corner for the square. In next space, 3 dc, ch 1. Then repeat instructions for the corner (except future corners will be 3 dc, ch 2, 3 dc). Continue in each space until you have completed four corners and four sides.

Sl st in top of ch 3 which marked the beginning of the round and leave a 10” length of yarn, after fastening off, to be used for sewing together.

My goodness, it looks like a granny square sweater for The Incredible Hulk.

Then again, the Hulk did need a lot of new tops during the 1970s.
Complete a total of 44 squares. Ten of these will be used for the sleeves. Following diagram above, assemble squares, sewing shoulder seams.

Assemble 5 squares in a row to be used for sleeves: sew these into place at armhole of garment, matching the squares of the sleeves to the squares of the jumper.
For heavens sake, crocheters can be trusted to attach a simple sleeve onto a jumper without a diagram!

Or not.
ROW 1: Beginning at the bottom of the assembled garment, with red, sc in each dc, 1 sc in each space, working 1 sc in each of the joining corner spaces. To obtain a well-rounded edge to the garment, work 3 sc in the spaces at both bottom corners and neckline corner. Join with sl st to first sc in round. Ch 1, turn.

ROW 2: Sc in each sc (repeating the 3 sc in the bottom edging). * At points indicated by X in the diagram, crochet a chain approximately 10” long, sc in each chain and continue sc around garment until next marker, repeat from *. Join with sl st to first sc in round. Fasten off.
Alas, the development of crochet laced bodices were an evolutionary dead end in granny square fashion. Moreover, wearing one would also prevent your genes from being passed onto future generations.
ROW 3: Attach blue to second sc in bottom corner, dc in each sc across, ending at 2nd sc at other end of bottom section. Join this section together to form circular skirt by sl st last dc to first dc, ch 3, turn.

ROW 4: DC in each dc; join with sl st. Fasten off blue.

ROW 5: With red, sc in each dc across, join, ch 1, turn.

ROW 6: Repeat row 5, then fasten off red.

ROW 7: Measure width of skirt at this time. If it is not wide enough for your hip measurement, increase hook size – G to H; H to I; I to J.

Join blue, dc in each sc, join, ch 3, turn. Continue with blue until desired length of skirt is reached.
The longer the better! After all, floor length grannies are super sexy.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Beware Thou of the Mutant!

Chicken Potholder Mitt from “Gifts, Knitted and Crocheted”, 1956.

Who doesn’t love potholders? They keep your fingers from being scorched, and they’re the perfect way to assert your individuality even while you’re being oppressed by the patriarchy cooking a delicious meal for your family.

The sleepy fish clearly proclaims to the world that Helen the Housewife prefers seafood because it cooks up faster and doesn’t cut into her beauty rest. What do you mean that fish is dead? No, it’s just having a snooze. Where do you think the phrase “sleeps with the fishes” comes from?

However, that fish is boring compared to the jellyfish, so I’ll make that one instead. Like Shirley the Stay-At-Home Mom who lovingly handmade those tentacles, I love trying exotic foods and...

What? It’s not a jellyfish? Um… is it an alien? Shirley was from West Texas, so surely she’d want to commemorate in crochet the visit of several U.F.O.s in November of 1957.

No? I give up, I have no idea what kind of abomination Shirley summoned from the depths of hell with her crochet hook.

It’s a chicken? What kind of chicken has FIVE LEGS?

OMG, who’s the cutest little freak of nature EVAH? You are. Yes, you are!

Hang on, that’s Henrietta the Mutant Chick and she only has four legs. Let’s try looking at this potholder from a different angle.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Flipping the photo upside down reveals that this potholder wasn’t a delicious drumstick-enhanced mutation after all. It’s just a depressed, mascara-wearing chicken with a feathery tail and no legs whatsoever.

How disappointing.

Chicken Potholder Mitt


1 – 100 yd. Skein Yellow.

2 yds. Black for Eyes.

Steel Crochet Hook No. 00

Body. Ch 4, 11 d c in 1st st of ch, join in top of ch.
2nd Row. Working in back loop of st only throughout, ch 1, 2 s c in same space, 2 s c in each remaining st (do not join or turn this or following rows).
3rd Row. Place a marker at beginning of row, work 1 s c in each s c increasing in every 2nd st.
4th Row. Increase in every 3rd st.
5th and 6th Rows. Work even in s c.
7th Row. Increase in every 4th st.
8th Row. Increase in every 5th st.
9th Row. Increase in every 6th st.
10th Row. Increase in every 7th st.
11th Row. Work even, break yarn.
I’m not sure what this potholder would say about you as a cook. Except that you sensibly cut off the legs before the head, so the chicken won’t mess up your kitchen by running around with its head chopped off.

Now, don’t you feel sorry for that legless, soon to be decapitated chicken. If you didn’t kill it, that chicken would become a bad influence on your children.

Head. Work 1st 5 rows same as body, then work bill, ch 3, 2 tr c in same space with last s c, ch 3, sl st in same space, break yarn.
You also like your chickens with soft, non-pointy beaks, presumably so they can’t defend themselves.

However, while your soft beaked chicken will pose no threat to you, your babies are still vulnerable. Just look what happened to Shirley’s youngest!

Tail. Skip 14 sts from head, join thread in next st, ch 10, s c in 3rd st from hook, 1 s c in each remaining st of ch, then work 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c of body, (working in opposite direction from head) ch 1, turn.
2nd Row. Skip 1 s c, working in back loop of st only throughout, 1 s c in each of the next 7 sts, ch 3, turn.
3rd Row. Skip 1st 2 sts of ch, s c in next st, 1 s c in each of the next 7 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c of body, ch 1, turn. Repeat last 2 rows 3 times, break yarn.
Where do you find a legless chicken?

Right where you left it!

Work other half of mitt in same manner but starting tail having the wrong side of work toward you.

Sew the 2 sections together leaving about 22 sts free below the tail for opening. With Black, embroider eyes.
Now wait a gosh darn second! We’re supposed to stick our hand WHERE?

That’s just disgusting. Surely, Shirley knew that using a whole chicken is perverted!

Whereas, four-legged fowl are just a bit kinky.

His name is Stumpy, and he likes long walks by the lake with than special someone. Serious replies only!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!