Puff the Magic Parsley!

Potholder patterns and Parsley Puffs recipe from Star Potholders, c. 1955

Your eyes do not deceive you – the good people at Star Potholders combined recipes with crochet patterns. After all, everyone who loves to crochet must also love to cook, right? And vice versa, naturally. Just such a versatile lady is pictured above, barefoot but not visibly pregnant in the Star Potholder kitchen.

Don’t get me wrong. I greatly admire multitaskers who can cook and crochet simultaneously without setting the house on fire. The fact that these people do so despite being only three inches tall is especially admirable. When was the last time you crocheted two blanket-sized potholders, then stirred a pot twice your size all the while ignoring enormous vegetables bent on revenging their cooked kin?

Indeed, this Parsley Puff Potholder pattern recipe combination – or pattipe, if you prefer – is a testament to perseverance in the face of overwhelming adversity.

Either that, or its evidence that the designers of this book were on heavy medication.

Parsley Puffs

1 bunch of parsley
1 egg
2 teaspoons flour
1 tablespoon water
1 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper

Wash parsley and break into small sprigs and put in ice water to crisp. Separate egg: to the beaten yolk, add flour, water, and seasonings...

Yes, this recipe calls for “seasonings”. I’ve been told such ingredients may be purchased from congenial vendors on street corners.

... and beat until thoroughly mixed. Then fold in egg whites beaten stiff. Dip the parsley sprigs into this batter and fry in deep fat at 390 degrees F until golden brown. Drain and serve hot. This is a tempting garnish for meats.

The terrifying implications of a three-inch tall housewife operating a deep-fryer aside, I’m of the opinion that restaurants exist so I may pay other people to do my deep frying for me.

However, if you’re brave enough to attempt this recipe, why stop at the garnish? After all, you’ve got a whole pot of boiling oil, just waiting for you to dump the entire entree into it.

Yum?

For the actual potholder patterns (and more snark!):

I don’t know what teapots have to do with deep-fried vegetation.

For that matter, I really don’t know why there’s a clock face on this teapot. And I really, really don’t know why there’s a world full of teapot-shaped clocks – or t-pocks, as they’re known to the kids these days.

The point is, these t-pocks can’t be used to make tea, or if they can, then they’re not functional clocks.

Plus, when you invite your mother-in-law to tea, you’re humiliated when you discover fairies are humping your t-pock. Again.

No. 3213
Materials Required–
AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY
“PURITAN” MERCERIZED CROCHET
AND KNITTING COTTON

150 yds. White.

“STAR” PEARL COTTON, SIZE 5.

25 yds. Red.

Steel Crochet Hook No. 7.

With White, ch 28, turn and work 27 s c on ch, ch 1, turn.
2nd Row– 1 s c in each s c, ch 2, turn.
3rd Row– Skip 1 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, * ch 1, skip 1 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, repeat from * across row, ch 2, turn.
4th Row– 2 s c in 1st s c, ch 1, 2 s c in next s c, (an increase) * ch 1, skip 1 s c, 2 s c in next s c, repeat from * across row, ch 1, 2 s c in end ch, ch 2, turn.
5th Row– Skip 1 s c, 2 s c in next s c, * ch 1, skip 1 s c, 2 s c in next s c, repeat from * across row, ch 2, turn.
Repeat the 4th row.
7th, 8th & 9th Rows– Same as 5th row.
10th Row– Increase 1 pattern at beginning of row and 1 pattern at end of row then work 2 rows even in pattern.

And then pattern the pattern using the pattern until the entire pattern is patterned.

Wait, what was the pattern again?

Repeat the last 3 rows.
16th Row– Increase 1 pattern at beginning and end of row, then work 20 rows even in pattern.
37th Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end of row, then work 3 rows even.
Repeat the last 4 rows.
45th Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end then work 2 rows even.
48th Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end then work 3 rows even.
52nd Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end then work 2 rows even.
55th Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end then work 1 row even, break thread.
57th Row– With Red, skip 2 sts, 1 s c in each of the next 10 s c, ch 1, turn.
Next Row– 1 s c in each s c, ch 1, turn, skip 1 st, 1 s c in next st, 1 s d c in next st, (s d c; thread over, insert in st, pull through and work off all loops at one time) 1 d c in each of the next 4 sts, 1 s d c in next st, 1 s c in next st, break thread.

In the olden days, pattern books often had to invent their own abbreviations. These days “s d c” is more commonly known as “hdc” or a “half double crochet”.

Despite my usual preference for vintage things, I find hdc, rather less confusing than s d c which I can only presume translates as “single double crochet”. But you can’t be a single in a double unless you’re Barbara Mandrell.

SPOUT. With White, attach thread in first st at straight edge and working toward lower edge work 9 patterns across straight edge, ch 2, turn, work a pattern in each pattern increasing 1 pattern at end of row, ch 2, turn.
Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row then work 1 row even.
Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row.
Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row.
Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row.

I heard that the Star Potholder test crocheter was found dead in a locked room with “decrease one pattern at end of row” written over and over on all the walls – in blood. But I’m sure that was just a coincidence.

Next Row– Decrease one pattern at beginning of row.
Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row, break thread.
Work another section in the same manner.

Fortunately for the longevity of their dear readers, the Star Potholder editor has opted to eschew any further line-by-line instructions.

With Red, crochet the 2 sections together, starting at lower edge, work 1 s c in each s c across bottom, * ch 3, d c in same space, skip 1/8 inch space, s c in next st, repeat from * all around, break thread.
Thread Red into needle and work a row of outline st about 1 inch down from Red top. Work another outline st ¼ inch from lower edge and across side to separate the spout from the body. Draw a 3 ½ inch circle in center and work numerals on it as illustrated. Work a small solid circle in center of clock and work 2 hands using the lazy daisy st.

You do know how to embroider, correct? You wouldn’t be at this point in the pattern (which, of course, you read all the way through before embarking upon), if you didn’t know how to embroider.

Is that weeping I hear? I know what’ll cheer you up. A nice cup of tea!

Please be patient while I scrape the bird poo out of this upcycled t-pock.

HANDLE. With White, ch 37, and work 36 s c on ch, break thread.
Attach Red and work 1 s c in each s c working 3 s c at end, turn and working on other side of s c, work 1 s c in each of the next 7 s c, * skip 1 s c, s c in next s c, repeat from * 6 times, 1 s c in each remaining st, break thread leaving an end to sew.
Sew to potholder as illustrated.
LOOP. Wrap Red around small finger 3 times, remove from finger and work 20 s c over loop. Attach to top of potholder.

Faces, unlike clocks, actually make a certain amount of sense here. Who doesn’t love anthropomorphizing household objects? “How may I serve you?” we can imagine our teapot asking, in a hilarious British accent.

Of course, if teapots really could speak, it’d be more likely they’d shriek, “Why are you pouring out my BRAINNNNS?” Which would definitely put a damper on your next tea party.

No. 3214
AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY
“DE LUXE: MERCERIZED CROCHET
AND KNITTING COTTON

155 yds. White. 35 yds. Red.

“STAR” SIX STRAND MERCERIZED
EMBROIDERY COTTON

3 yds. Black.

Steel Crochet Hook No. 7 or 8.

With White, ch 37 and work 36 s c on ch. (Turn each row.)
2nd Row– Ch 3, 2 d c in first s c, 1 d c in each s c, with 2 d c in last s c.
3rd Row– 2 d c in first d c, 1 d c in each remaining d c, with 2 d c in last d c.
Repeat 3rd row 10 more times.
14th to 17th Rows– 1 d c in each d c.

Unless it’s a zombie tea party!

18th to 22nd Rows– Decrease 1 st at the beginning and end of each row, remaining sts even. (Decrease; insert needle in first d c, pull thread through, insert needle in next d c, pull thread through, thread over and pull through 2 loops on needle, thread over and pull through remaining loops.)
23rd to 28th Rows– Decrease 2 sts at beginning and end of each row.
29th Row– Ch 1, decrease 1 st, 1 s c in next d c, 1 s d c in each of the next 3 d c, (s d c; thread over, insert in st, pull through and work off all loops at one time) 1 d c in each d c to within the last 6 d c, 1 s d c in each of the next 3 d c, 1 s c in next d c, then decrease 1 st.
Working down side of kettle, work 2 s c in each d c row, across lower edge work over entire st, 3 s c over first and last s c, 1 s c over each remaining st. Up opposite side work 2 s c in each d c row, 1 s c in each st across top, break thread.
With Red, work 1 row of s c all around, break thread. Work another section to correspond.
With Red, crochet the two sections together, ch 3, thread over, insert needle in same space with ch 3, pull thread through, thread over, insert needle in same space, pull thread through, thread over and pull through all loops on needle, * thread over, insert needle in next st, pull thread through, thread over, insert in same st, pull thread through, thread over and pull through all loops on needle, repeat from * all around, break thread.
HANDLES. With White, ch 32 and work 31 s c on ch. Attach Red and work 1 s c in each s c, ch 2, turn and work a row of puffs same as on kettle, break thread.

Is that what all that interminable threading over and inserting business was about? We were making “puffs”?

I just hope there’s no deep-frying involved as there was in making the parsley puffs. I refused to deep-fry my crochet, no matter how effective a batter-delivery system cotton yarn might be.

With Red, work an outline st for lid, starting at about the 5th row from top and working down to about the 8th row, then back to 5th on opposite side, then over the outline st work 1 row of s c, break thread.
Work s c over a small bone ring and attach to top of lid.
Embroider face as illustrated.

Wait a t-pock minute! The lid of the clock potholder didn’t require a bone ring, but this one does? But it’s not even included in the materials list.

That tears it! Who edited this rag, and where do they live?

Well, that explains a lot.

Click here for the printable pattern.
Click here for the parsley puffs recipe.

Read more!

Snow Bound Bunnies!

Rabbit Slippers from Beehive for Bairns, 1980, original pattern c. 1950

It may be March, but the groundhog lied! Spring is still a long way away for most of Canada and the United States. Of course, we can’t really blame Canada’s own Wiarton Willie, as he was forced to make his Groundhog Day prediction indoors, due to a blizzard raging outside. And regardless of whether the Yankee Punxsutawney Phil or the Southern General Beauregard Lee deliberately led us astray, the fact remains that it’s still cold outside, and your baby needs toasty toes!

So, I recommend knitting up a pair of dead groundhogs for her feet. Sure, the pattern book calls these “Rabbit” slippers, but with just a few minor alterations, you can provide warm footsies for your child AND have your revenge on weather prognosticating rodents everywhere.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Rabbit Slippers
A perfect little shower gift, reprinted from Beehive Book # 41.

Perfect if you want to show up at a shower with a gift that cost you a dollar fifty in leftover yarn scraps and thirty whole minutes of your time.

When you give these slipshod slippers to the new mum-to-be, don’t forget to announce, “I love you THIS much!”

MATERIALS: Beehive Baby Yarn (50 g): 1 ball main colour B. Small quantity of contrasting colour A. Two 2 ¼ mm (U.S. 1) knitting needles or whichever needles you require to produce the tension given below. One 3.50 mm (U.S. E or 4) crochet hook for ties. Stuffing.

TENSION: 9 ½ sts and 13 rows = 1 inch (2.5 cm) in stocking st.

MEASUREMENT: Length 3 ½ ins (9 cm).

COMPLETE SATISFACTION AND PERFECT RESULTS ARE ONLY GUARANTEED WHEN YOU WORK TO EXACT TENSION WITH THE SPECIFIED YARN.

Fortunately for the perfectionists among us, Beehive Baby Yarn is still available in a variety of sickeningly sweet pastel shades such as Precious Pink and Sleepy Sea. Unfortunately, that also makes knitting up miniature dead groundhogs more difficult, as those varmints don’t usually come in all the colours of a six year old girl’s rainbow unicorn obsession.

I recommend buying a ball of the Rose Bud red and telling everyone the groundhog was done in by an eighteen wheeler.

SOLE: With B cast on 22 sts and knit 1 row.
Continue in garter st (plain knitting every row) increasing 1 st beginning every row to 32 sts on needle. Knit 3 rows even.

Continue in garter st, decreasing 1 st beginning every row to 22 sts on needle. Cast off.

UPPER SECTION: With B, cast on 6 sts and work 2 rows garter st.
3rd row: K1. Inc 1 st in next st. Knit to last 2 sts. Inc 1 st in next st. K1.
4th row: Knit.
Repeat 3rd and 4th rows to 26 sts on needle.
Work 19 rows even in garter st.

Next row: K13. Turn.
Working on these 13 sts, work 35 rows garter st. Cast off.

Join yarn to remaining 13 sts and work 36 rows garter st. Cast off. Sew cast-off edges together.

Also, your bloody slippers will not only keep a baby’s feet warm, they’re even educational!

When baby starts walking, you can tie these slippers onto her feet and tell the tyke, “Don’t wander into the road, sweetie pie. Or you’ll end up smashed flat into the concrete with a tire tread down the middle of your back. Then someone will come along to scrape up your bloody remains and turn you into slippers.”

RABBIT HEAD: With A, cast on 3 sts and knit 1 row.
2nd row: Inc 1 st in each of 1st 2 sts. K1.
3rd row: Knit.
4th row: K1. Inc 1 st in next st. Knit to last 2 sts. Inc 1 st in next st. K1.
Repeat 3rd and 4th rows to 13 sts on needle.
Work 8 rows even in garter st.

Next row: K6. Turn.
Working on these 6 sts work 10 rows garter st.
Continue in garter st, decreasing 1 st each end of needle every row to 2 sts on needle. K2tog. fasten off.

Join yarn to remaining sts. K2tog. K5.
Work exactly as given for other ear.
Make another slipper the same.

Or if you prefer to maintain the magic of childhood, feel free to tell your toddlers that their groundhog slippers were made by pastel-coloured unicorns.

It’s never too early to instill fear of vengeance seeking unicorns.

TO MAKE UP: Placing one point of sole at back seam, sew evenly to upper, easing in fullness around shaped end of sole at front. With B, embroider eyes and nose on head as illustrated. Sew head in position, lightly stuffing nose and leaving the ears free. With 2 strands of B together, make a chain 12 ins (31 cm) long. Make 2 tassels and sew to each end of chain. Sew middle of chain to back of slipper.

Or of vengeance seeking groundhogs.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

Beware Thou of the Mutant!

Chicken Potholder Mitt from “Gifts, Knitted and Crocheted”, 1956.

Who doesn’t love potholders? They keep your fingers from being scorched, and they’re the perfect way to assert your individuality even while you’re being oppressed by the patriarchy cooking a delicious meal for your family.

The sleepy fish clearly proclaims to the world that Helen the Housewife prefers seafood because it cooks up faster and doesn’t cut into her beauty rest. What do you mean that fish is dead? No, it’s just having a snooze. Where do you think the phrase “sleeps with the fishes” comes from?

However, that fish is boring compared to the jellyfish, so I’ll make that one instead. Like Shirley the Stay-At-Home Mom who lovingly handmade those tentacles, I love trying exotic foods and...

What? It’s not a jellyfish? Um… is it an alien? Shirley was from West Texas, so surely she’d want to commemorate in crochet the visit of several U.F.O.s in November of 1957.

No? I give up, I have no idea what kind of abomination Shirley summoned from the depths of hell with her crochet hook.

It’s a chicken? What kind of chicken has FIVE LEGS?

OMG, who’s the cutest little freak of nature EVAH? You are. Yes, you are!

Hang on, that’s Henrietta the Mutant Chick and she only has four legs. Let’s try looking at this potholder from a different angle.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Flipping the photo upside down reveals that this potholder wasn’t a delicious drumstick-enhanced mutation after all. It’s just a depressed, mascara-wearing chicken with a feathery tail and no legs whatsoever.

How disappointing.

Chicken Potholder Mitt

Materials Required – AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “STAR” COTTON YARN, ARTICLE 75

1 – 100 yd. Skein Yellow.

2 yds. Black for Eyes.

Steel Crochet Hook No. 00

Body. Ch 4, 11 d c in 1st st of ch, join in top of ch.
2nd Row. Working in back loop of st only throughout, ch 1, 2 s c in same space, 2 s c in each remaining st (do not join or turn this or following rows).
3rd Row. Place a marker at beginning of row, work 1 s c in each s c increasing in every 2nd st.
4th Row. Increase in every 3rd st.
5th and 6th Rows. Work even in s c.
7th Row. Increase in every 4th st.
8th Row. Increase in every 5th st.
9th Row. Increase in every 6th st.
10th Row. Increase in every 7th st.
11th Row. Work even, break yarn.

I’m not sure what this potholder would say about you as a cook. Except that you sensibly cut off the legs before the head, so the chicken won’t mess up your kitchen by running around with its head chopped off.

Now, don’t you feel sorry for that legless, soon to be decapitated chicken. If you didn’t kill it, that chicken would become a bad influence on your children.

Head. Work 1st 5 rows same as body, then work bill, ch 3, 2 tr c in same space with last s c, ch 3, sl st in same space, break yarn.

You also like your chickens with soft, non-pointy beaks, presumably so they can’t defend themselves.

However, while your soft beaked chicken will pose no threat to you, your babies are still vulnerable. Just look what happened to Shirley’s youngest!

Tail. Skip 14 sts from head, join thread in next st, ch 10, s c in 3rd st from hook, 1 s c in each remaining st of ch, then work 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c of body, (working in opposite direction from head) ch 1, turn.
2nd Row. Skip 1 s c, working in back loop of st only throughout, 1 s c in each of the next 7 sts, ch 3, turn.
3rd Row. Skip 1st 2 sts of ch, s c in next st, 1 s c in each of the next 7 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c of body, ch 1, turn. Repeat last 2 rows 3 times, break yarn.

Where do you find a legless chicken?

Right where you left it!

Ba-dum-cha!

Work other half of mitt in same manner but starting tail having the wrong side of work toward you.

Sew the 2 sections together leaving about 22 sts free below the tail for opening. With Black, embroider eyes.

Now wait a gosh darn second! We’re supposed to stick our hand WHERE?

That’s just disgusting. Surely, Shirley knew that using a whole chicken is perverted!

Whereas, four-legged fowl are just a bit kinky.

His name is Stumpy, and he likes long walks by the lake with than special someone. Serious replies only!

Click here for the printable pattern.


Read more!

Pick your Poison!

Cookie Basket and Cigarette Basket, Card Table Accessories from Wrought Iron Crochet, 1954

Now that your home is decorated with wall to wall yaks, it’s time to set your supper table with these macabre masterpieces. For no Halloween party would be complete without grandma’s memento mori card table accessories. Back in the 1950s, weekly bridge games were played to the death – or at the very least, to the pain.



Now, other sites will tell you to decorate your table with fake spiders and a cauldron filled with dry ice. C’mon, such humdrum horrors won’t strike fear into the heart of anyone over three-years-old. However, even your most macho party guest will pee their pants at the sight of a crocheted black basket filled with unfiltered cancer sticks! If the Nicotine Nazis have banned unfiltered cigarettes from your corner store, just use a cigar cutter to chop off the filters. Or create a fun Halloween party game by sending French cigarettes to the guillotine – the first person who loses a finger, wins!

But don’t forget the matching crocheted cookie basket for maximum chills. What’s so scary about miniature lawn furniture for sugary treats, you ask? These ain’t your 21st century, namby-pamby cookies made with unsaturated oils, splenda and gluten free flour. Every single one of these 1950s cookies were made with sugar, white flour and artery hardening lard! And love, of course.

So, throw out your rubber bats and fake cobwebs. These cholesterol-laden, cancer-causing party favours will guarantee that your neighbors will crown you the undisputed Hostess of the Damned. Or they’ll run you out of the neighborhood with torches and pitchforks. Either way, you’re party will be legendary!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Soon the world’s reserves of wrought iron will run out! But for just 10 cents (15 cents in Canada), you can crochet all the wrought iron patio furniture you’ll need for the apocalypse.

No. 7—COOKIE BASKET AND CIGARETTE BASKET
LILY DOUBLE QUICK, Art. 50, in Black: 2 skeins.
No. 3 Steel Crochet Hook. Black covered millinery wire or other stiff wire.

If you forgot to hoard Steel Crochet Hooks before the collapse of civilization, don’t despair! You can always smelt iron ore in your microwave.

COOKIE BASKET (Size—5 x 10 x 2½ inches):

1st MOTIF: Ch 8, join with sl st to form ring.
RND 1: Ch 1, 12 sc in ring, join with sl st in 1st sc.
RND 2: * Ch 4, sl st in same sc, sl st in next 2 sc, ch 4, sl st in same sc with last sl st. Mark this 2d p with pin. ** Sl st in next sc; repeat from * twice and from * to **. Cut 6 inches long, draw thru lp on hook, pull tight, thread to a needle and fasten off on back.

2d here stands for 2nd, not for 2 dimensional. But I won’t stop you if you want to try two-dimensional crocheting.

As for p, it’s short for picot, not party guest. The tradition of poking your second party guest with a pin died with two other 1950s fads: hula hoop hunting and sudden death bridge games.

2d MOTIF: Repeat thru Rnd 1.
RND 2: Ch 2, sl st in marked 2d p on 1st Motif, ch 2, sl st back in same sc on 2d Motif, sl st in next 2 sc, ch 2, sl st in next (1st) p on 1st Motif, ch 2sl st back in same sc with last sl st on 2d Motif, sl st in next sc; complete a for first Motif.

Join a 3d Motif to 2 side ps on 2d Motif. Join a 4th Motif to 2 ps each on 3d & 1st Motifs.

Make 45 Motifs and join 5 x 9.

Holy Hannah, you’ll be making 45 of these tiny, wrought iron motifs in crochet thread!

Clearly, Wrought Iron Crochet is not for sissies who smoke filtered cigarettes.

EDGE: Attach to 1st free p on one corner Motif, * ch 2, sc in next p, ch 4, sc in next p, (ch 2, sc in next p, ch 5, sc in 1st p on next Motif) repeated across to next corner Motif; repeat from * around; join. Cut 2 wires to reach around Basket, plus 1 inch for lap.
RND 2: Ch 1 and working over 2 wires, make sc in same place, work sc around: * 2 sc in each ch-2 sp, 5 sc in each ch-4 and ch-5 sp, * sc in each sc; before completing rnd, lap ends of wire and wrap with gummed tape. Finish rnd and join.

You may be asking yourself, what is this gummed tape and why wasn’t it included in the materials list?

I totally didn’t have to look up it up on Wikipedia to find out that gummed tape is made of paper and a starch or gelatin-based adhesive. And I didn’t have to use Google to further discover that gummed paper tape will instantly let you know if anyone has tampered with your wrought iron crochet. Mostly because a single drop of water or a resentful gaze will cause the tape to completely fall apart. But hey, it’s 100% recyclable!

And gummed tape wasn’t on the materials list because any self-respecting 1950s housewife had a stockpile in her bomb shelter. Hopefully in water-tight containers or her wrought iron crochet would not be safe from Communists.

RND 3: Ch 1, sc at base of same sc, working over last rnd, repeat Rnd 2 from * to *; sc at base of each sc; join and fasten off.

LEG: Cut 3 wires 7 inches long, hold tog. and wrap both ends with gummed tape. Cover wire with crochet rope.

CROCHETED ROPE: Ch 2, 7 sc in 2d ch from hook. Cup 7 sc with right side inside and working in back lp only, sc in 1st sc, sc in each sc around and around for ½ inch, push one end of wires into it and continue working around outside of wire until it is covered, always having 7 sc in a rnd at all times. Close with sl sts. Fasten off. Bend into a half circle. Make two.

But why just make two CROCHETED ROPES? Just think of all the fun uses you could have for Crocheted Rope around the house. For example, you could play classic 1950s games like Capture the Communist Who Tampered with Your Gummed Tape and Give Him Crocheted Rope Burns Until He Confesses.

Good times.

CIGARETTE BASKET (Size—4¼ x 6 x 2 inches): Make and join 20 Motifs 4 x 5. Repeat Edge.

LEGS: Cut 2 wires 5½ inches long. Repeat as for Cookie Basket Legs but with only 6 sc in a rnd.

Starch Baskets and Legs (See Instructions on Page 15).

Of course, you have to Starch both the Baskets and the Legs. Otherwise, you’ve just made an unfiltered cigarette doily. With legs.

In other words, a long-awaited girlfriend for last year’s Halloween Craft.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR STARCHING
For Doilies, dissolve 2 heaping tablespoons (3 for other pieces), of Argo Gloss Starch in ½ cup cold water, add to 1 quart warm water, heat and boil briskly for several minutes, stirring constantly.

Don’t you dare use any of that fancy, pre-mixed, liquid starch for this pattern! You won’t be prepared for the apocalypse unless you know how to party like it’s 1892.

Add 1 cup cold water and cool until comfortable to handle. Add enough liquid Bluing to make starch a deep blue.

When civilization collapses and modern detergents are no longer available, you’re going to have use grandma’s liquid Bluing to keep your whites their whitest.

Otherwise, the other survivors of the zombie outbreak, nuclear war or worldwide flooding will mock you for your yellowing shirts.

Dip crochet in starch, squeezing the starch thru it thoroughly.

Don’t stop until your hands turn blue!

Remove, squeeze out excess starch, roll in paper towels and leave for an hour or two. Then rub off any excess starch with paper towel, stretch on waxed paper and block as given in individual instructions.

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled wrought ironing, already in progress.

Pin Baskets right-side-up in true shape. Press flat thru a cloth. When dry, bend ends of Baskets in a quarter circle, pass a Leg thru open sp between 1st 2 Motifs on each side at one end of Basket (next to Edge) and sew securely. Repeat at other end. Measure ends of legs exactly so Baskets stand true and even.

Now, all you need to do is stockpile cookies and cigarettes for your Halloween party. No one will be able to resist your larded-up cookies lounging in their wrought iron chair. If anyone tries, just crumble the cookies into their vodka and tell them it’s a 1950s Crunchy Martini.

As for any unsmoked, unfiltered ciggies, don’t worry about leftovers. They make excellent Christmas gifts – just ask Ronald Reagan!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

Yakety Yak – Don’t Talk Back!

Wild Yak Yak pattern from “Gifts”, Star Gift Book No. 150, c. 1950

There’s only 11 more shopping days before Halloween, and you haven’t finished your decorating yet! You don’t want a repeat of last year when you left all your decorating until Halloween Eve, do you? Your neighbours are still talking about how you overdosed on coffee and ecstasy, and carved pumpkins non-stop for 24 hours.

What’s that? You’re bored with your old, hum-drum collection of deformed pumpkins, slack-jawed skeletons and bow-legged witches?

Then why not shake things up this year with a severed yak head? All you have to do is book a trip to the Himalayas, shoot an arrow through a ferocious yak’s head, decapitate and mount it on your front door. Or you can really get in touch with your inner wild game hunter by sticking your arm right into the yak’s head. Just imagine the look on the faces of the small children when they ring your doorbell on Halloween night and a zombie yak hand puppet pops out at them.

Don’t forget – waste not, want not. Use every part of your yak, not just the head. Yak hair makes the finest Santa Claus beards (only 67 shopping days until Christmas!), while yak meat is high in Omega-2 fatty acids making it a healthy alternative to handing out candy this year.

If you don’t have time for a trek to the Himalayas and you’re banned from the local zoo after you kidnapped their Kookaburra, you could always hunt a “wild yak yak” with your crochet hook. It’s cheaper than a big game hunt, and a stuffed, yarn yak head is less likely to get you arrested at airport customs.

For the complete pattern (and more snark):

What child wouldn’t be thrilled to stick his or her hand down this yak’s neck? This puppet’s made of heavy rug yarn so it’s extra comfy!

For authenticity’s sake, crochet your yaks out of scratchy, vintage acrylic yarn. Or Red Heart Supersaver.

PUPPET
Materials Required:
AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY
“AUNT LYDIA’S” HEAVY RUG YARN,
Article 235
3 skeins Yellow
1 skein each Black, Rust and Red
Aluminum crochet hook size H
Cotton for filling. 15 inch length of medium wire

The wire is for the arrow you’ll be jamming through the yak’s head, so make sure it’s sturdy. You wouldn’t want your child’s death-dealing weaponry to be droopy.

BODY: With Yellow chain (ch) 30, join to form a ring, ch 1, 1 single crochet (sc) in each st of ch (30 sc), do not join this or following rounds. Place a marker at beginning of round. 2nd ROUND: Double crochet (dc) in each st (30 dc). Repeat 2nd Round 11 more times. 14th ROUND: 1 sc in each dc, join. 15th ROUND: Ch 1, 1 sc in each sc, join. 16th ROUND: Ch 1, 2 sc in each sc (60 sc), join. 17th ROUND: 1 dc in each sc (60 dc), join. 18th ROUND: 1 dc in each of the 1st 3 dc, * skip 1 dc, 1 sc in each of the next 3 dc, repeat from * 13 times ending last repeat with 1 dc in each of the next 4 dc (46 dc), do not join, place a marker at beginning of round. 19th ROUND: 1 dc in each of the 1st 3 dc, * skip 1 dc, 1 dc in each of the next 3 dc, repeat from * 10 times ending last repeat with 1 dc in each of the next 2 dc (35 dc). 20th, 21st and 22nd ROUNDS: 1 dc in each sc. 23rd ROUND: 1 sc in each of the 1st 5 dc, * skip next st, 1 sc in each of the next 5 dc, repeat from * 4 times. 24th ROUND: 1 sc in each of the next 5 sc, * skop next sc, 1 sc in each of the next 5 sc, repeat from * 3 times, 1 sc in next sc (26 sc), join. 25th ROW: Ch 1, 1 sc in same space, 1 sc in each of the next 14 sc, ch 1, turn. 26th ROW: Decrease 1 st (to decrease: * insert needle in next st, pull loop through, repeat from * once, yarn over and work all loops at one time), 1 sc in each of the next 11 sc, decrease in next 2 sts, ch 1, turn. 27th ROW: 1 sc in each sc (13 sc), ch 1, turn. 28th ROW: Decrease 1 st in next 2 sts, 1 sc in each of the next 9 sc, decrease 1 st in next 2 sts, ch 1, turn. 29th ROW: 1 sc in each sc, ch 1, turn (11 sc). 30th ROW: 1 sc in each sc, decreasing 1 st at beginning and end of row. 31st ROW: Repeat 29th row (9 sc). Repeat last 2 rows once, cut yarn.

Hunters are always keenly aware of their environment, so I’m sure you don’t require any line breaks in your pattern. Plus, you also immediately noticed the sudden change from ROUNDs to ROWs.

If you didn’t notice, and kept going around in circles, your yak will be malformed and it won’t survive the winter. That’s the brutal, unforgiving law of nature.

UNDER SECTION OF MOUTH: Attach Yellow in first free st of 24th round, ch 1, 1 sc in same space, 1 sc in each of the next 10 sc, ch 1, turn. 2nd ROW: 1 sc in each sc decreasing 1 st at beginning and end of row, ch 1, turn. Work 1 row even. 4th ROW: Repeat 2nd row. Repeat last 2 rows once. Work 2 rows even, cut yarn.

UPPER INSIDE SECTION OF MOUTH: With Red ch 14, 1 sc in 2nd st from hook, 1 sc in each st of ch, ch 1, turn. 2nd ROW: 1 sc in each sc decreasing 1 st at beginning and end of row, ch 1, turn. Work 1 row even (11 sc). Repeat last 2 rows twice. Work 1 row even, cut yarn.

LOWER INSIDE SECTION OF MOUTH: With Red ch 10 and work same as upper section of mouth. Sew the 2 sections together leaving 1 st free at each end of upper section of mouth. Place inside of mouth and with Yellow crochet the two sections together.

That’s right, the yak’s mouth must be BLOOD RED. In fact, if you have any red yarn left over, you should add a few extra drips of blood to your yak’s nose and eyes. Children love this kind of bloody attention to detail!

EYES: With Yellow ch 5, join to form a ring, ch 1 and work 7 sc in ring, join, cut yarn. Attach Black in any sc, 1 sc in each sc increasing 4 sc evenly spaced, join, cut yarn leaving a length for sewing.

Yellow eyes indicate that this yak suffers from severe jaundice. Clearly, he wasn’t long for the world, so there’s no need to feel guilty about ramming a wire arrow through his head.

EARS: With Yellow ch 5, join to form a ring, ch 1 and work 7 sc in ring, join. 2nd ROUND: 1 sc in each sc increasing 7 sc evenly spaced, join, cut yarn leaving a length for sewing.

NOSE: With Black ch 3, join to form a ring, ch 1, 6 sc in ring, join each round. 2nd ROUND: Ch 1, 1 sc in each sc increasing 4 sc evenly spaced. 3rd ROUND: 1 sc in each sc. 4th ROUND: Working in sc, decreasing 4 sc evenly spaced, join, cut yarn leaving a length for sewing. Fill with cotton. Sew Eyes, Nose and Ears in position as illustrated.

MANE: * Wind Rust over a 4 inch cardboard 25 times, tie through center at both ends with a 6 inch length of yarn, slip off cardboard and tie in position to center of 1st row of Head Section, skip 5 rows, tie other end of mane to next row above, repeat from * 7 times arranging around Head as illustrated.

WHISKERS: With Rust cut 6 strands of yarn 5 inches in length. Using 1 strand, double in half and knot through one st in 1st row on edge of Mouth, * skip 2 rows and knot another strand in same manner, repeat from * once. Knot 3 more strands in same manner on opposite side of Mouth.

The addition of whiskers and a mane, both crocheted in shades of yellow and rust, means your final product will be indistinguishable from an actual yak’s head.

See? The resemblance is uncanny!

YAK YAK
Omit 1st 8 rounds of Puppet. Complete to correspond. Stuff head with cotton and sew or staple in position to plaque.

ARROW: Cover a 15 inch length of medium wire with Yellow. Secure ends with glue. Bind one end for 1 inch with Rust. Cut 40-3 inch strands of Rust and past in place to other end of arrow.

Yes, the success of this project is all in the details, right down to the arrow tipped with dried blood.

So what are you waiting for? Start now, and you can make a dozen yak-yaks before Halloween! Mount them on your front door or stick them on spikes in your front yard! Your neighbours will love you.

Except possibly the ones with the PETA bumper sticker on their hybrid. They won’t appreciate your sense of whimsy, but there’s no reason why you can’t enjoy theirs!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

PoodleFest 2010: After Hours

Poodle Cardigan or Slipover for Girls from KNIT O GRAF, 1954

Are you over 18 years old? Are any children in your household at school or safely tucked away in bed?

Good. Because no responsible parent would want a child exposed to the utter depravity of this poodle sweater. True, your sons and daughters will eventually learn from the internet that poodles attend fetish clubs. However, there’s no need to flaunt the scandalous night life of Mr. and Mrs. Fluffy-Poo in front of pre-adolescents.

But V.D., you protest, the pattern clearly states that this sweater is for young girls, not teens or adults!

Yes, this sleazy sweater was designed for girls sized 4 to 10, but children were expected to grow up fast back in the 1950s. After facing the horrors of the H-bomb, polio outbreaks, and the invention of the TV dinner, these kids were much more blasé about BDSM poodles. But our own coddled children can’t handle the titillating truth!

This design also wasn’t as shocking in the 1950s. The poodle patriarchy was firmly entrenched back then, and the male poodle was the unquestioned dominant partner in any kinky canine caper. Now, of course, all we care about is whether both poodles are consenting adults. But won’t someone think of the children!

There’s only one wholesome use I can foresee for this perverted poodle pattern. When you’ve decided it’s time to destroy the last of your little girl’s innocence, this poodle sweater is the perfect icebreaker before you have ‘The Talk’.

Oh, you know what ‘Talk’ I’m talking about. The “sometimes when two poodles get married, they get bored with each other, and begin experimenting with kinky S&M sex in a desperate attempt to keep their love alive” Talk.

For not quite the entire pattern (but definitely more snark):

MATERIAL REQUIREMENTS
3 PLY FINGERING YARN OF ALL WOOL, ALL NYLON, OR BLENDS OF WOOL AND NYLON

Why are these poodles using all caps to encourage me to use whatever kind of 3 ply yarn I want? It would be like an Army Drill Sergeant shouting “Give me twenty, soldier! At your convenience, whenever you can fit push-ups into your busy schedule.”

NEEDLES …………. 1 Pair No. 1 (English No. 12)
1 Pair No. 2 (English No. 11)
GAUGE …………..... 8 stitches and 10 rows equal 1 inch

DESIGN ON BACK AND FRONT

Background
Size 4 – ¾ oz., Size 6 – 4 oz., Size 8 – 4 ¾ oz., Size 10 – 5 ¾ oz.

All Sizes
Poodles 80 yds, Collar Hat etc. 10 yds, Leash 2 yds, Eyes 1 yd.

COLORS SHOWN
Background Red, Poodles White, Collar Hat etc. Blue, Leash Navy, Eyes Navy

Colours shown, huh?

I grew up on black & white TV, so I’m willing to believe that’s a red sweater. But for those readers who had their youthful imaginations stifled by the invention of colour television, here’s proof.

I’m amused by how the etsy merchant above described the pattern as two poodles dancing. I’ve heard of the Bunny Hop and the Mashed Potato, but I had no idea another popular 50s dance was the Yanked Leash.

OTHER COLOR COMBINATIONS
Background Navy, Poodles Gray, Collar Hat etc. Red, Leash Red, Eyes Navy
Background Med. Blue, Poodles White, Collar Hat etc. Red, Leash Red, Eyes Med. Blue
Background Green, Poodles Beige, Collar Hat etc. Green, Leash Green, Eyes Green

I don’t want to be critical… oh, who am I fooling. I’ve spotted two serious problems here.

First, the green sweater has the collar, hats and bows of the poodles the exact same colour as the background. It’ll look like someone crushed the poodles’ skulls and then decapitated their fluffy corpses. True, no one will mess with your little girl on the playground when she wears it, but you will be getting a call from the principal.

Second, all the “other colour combinations” sweaters match the poodles eyes with the background colour, but the “colors shown” poodles have navy eyes. I want a red sweater with poodles that have glowing red eyes!

Yikes!

I’ve changed my mind. Navy eyes are cool.

GENERAL INSTRUCTIONS

KNIT OF GRAF PATTERNS are life size. Lay work on graph occasionally to check your size. For ease in following, outline the size wanted with a colored pencil.

HANDMADE BY MOTHER is not life size. Feel free to hold your work up to the monitor to check your size. Do not use coloured pencils on your monitor. Remember, ease in following a perverted poodle graph is not an acceptable excuse for workplace vandalism.

EACH SQUARE in the graph represents a stitch. Every row is shown purled and knit rows. Follow graph from right to left on knit rows, from left to right on purled rows. Changes in color are shown on graph with difficult types of shading. Ribbing is not shown in most patterns but it is explained in the printed instructions.

GAUGE – Since no two people knit exactly alike it is necessary to test your knitting and yarn by making a sample before starting your work. There may be a difference of as much as four sizes in the finished work, using the wrong yarn and needles. Method for testing gauge is given at the beginning of the printed instructions for each pattern.

I feel like I’m being talked down to. After all, no beginner knitter is going to take on S&M poodles for their first project.

Other than the masochists, I suppose.

INCREASES AND DECREASES – When graph shows one extra square, increase one stitch. To increase, knit (or purl if on a purled row) first in front, then knit in back of stitch of left needle before slipping it off left needle. Increases of more than one stitch must be cast on at the end of row as shown on graph.

When graph shows a decrease of one square, knit or purl two stitches together. Decreases of more than one stitch must be bound off at the beginning of row.

Seriously, noobs, don’t let all these helpful stitch by stitch explanations lead you astray. If you want to make a poodle sweater, just buy a child’s sweater and use duct tape to attach two of the poodles below.

BEFORE STARTING GARMENT READ THE GENERAL INSTRUCTIONS ON BACK COVER FOR INCREASING, DECREASING, EXPLANATION OF GRAPHS, ETC. THEY MAY NOT BE REPEATED ELSEWHERE IN PATTERN.

I’m beginning to suspect that the S&M poodles are going to keep SHOUTING at me until I agree to be their slave. I’m going to need a safeword to make them back off.

I’d use POODLE, but the safeword has to be something I don’t normally shout while knitting.

GAUGE—With No. 2 needles cast on 24 sts, knit 1 row, purl 1 row, for 20 rows. Bind off, press with damp cloth, measure. Piece should measure exactly 3 inches by 2 inches. If it is smaller, try again with a larger needle. If it is larger, try again with a smaller needle.

Now, there’s always the safeword used by Parisian poodles, but I doubt shouting BALLS calms poodles down.

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

HOW TO WORK DESIGN
Changes in color of yarn are shown on graph with different types of shading. Wind large bobbins (holding at least 20 yards) with background color, smaller bobbins may be used for smaller designs. Keep bobbins wound up close to work to avoid tangling. NEVER CARRY YARN ACROSS BACK OF WORK but use a separate bobbin for every color change.

Don’t you dare CARRY YARN instead of using the dozens of bobbins called for in this pattern. Multinational Bobbin Manufacturers Inc., AKA Big Bobbin, monitors your monthly purchases, and if you dip below quota, watch out!

I heard from a friend of a friend that a knitter in Moosejaw died in a stampede … of bobbins. *shudder*

Small markings such as lines, eyes, etc., may be knit in or embroidered later in duplicate stitch after garment is finished.

Work to first row of design. Work across row to dark squares.

With all the shouting and bobbin threats, I’m sure I’ve forgotten something important. But what?

TIE DESIGN YARN TO BACKGROUND YARN, SLIP KNOT AS CLOSE TO NEEDLE AS POSSIBLE.

Ahhhh! I promise I’ll slip knot my needle close to the background yarn or whatever you want, just please stop shouting at me!

Tie yarn in this manner whenever graph indicates us of a new color. With design yarn, work the shaded squares, tie another bobbin of background yarn, work across blank squares (background sts) to end of row. Next row work to design. DROP BACKGROUND YARN ACROSS DESIGN YARN PICKING UP DESIGN YARN FROM UNDER BACKGROUND YARN.

I can’t take it anymore! I refuse to transcribe any more of this pattern. If you desperately want to make a fetish night poodle sweater, just use the KNIT O GRAF design graph…Whoops.

I knew I forgot to include something.

Now slap those poodles on the sweater pattern of your choice. Or onto any knitted clothing or house ware your heart desires. Personally, I think it’s the perfect design for a tablecloth and matching napkin set. After one S&M Poodle Thanksgiving, your family and in-laws will never darken your door again.

In 1981, Theresa Dacenzo of Cornwells Heights, Pennsylvania sent this photo to Crochet World of the knitted afghan she made for her niece.

And yes, Theresa made that afghan in 1981 not 1961. Her niece later wrote a scathing essay in her Woman Studies class about male-female poodle oppression in 1980s Pennsylvania.

Now, if you suspect that your 21st century niece wouldn’t appreciate a sexist poodle motif, feel free to make alterations to the original design. You could leave out the leash or replace it with something less offensive like a garrotte. Makes a lovely going away to prison gift! Or if you’d prefer a more GLBT-friendly design you could make both poodles the same gender.

Also, you don’t have to limit yourself to the formal top hat look. The most stylish poodles don’t.

Now if your heart is absolutely set on a genuine 100% vintage KNIT O GRAF poodle cardigan, you can still purchase the pattern. Not only can you find it on e-bay and etsy, there was evidence as recently as 2006 that the KNIT O GRAF PATTERN CO. was a going concern.

Unlike Big Bobbin, KNIT O GRAF was a cottage industry founded by a knitter, one Della Fitch of Minneapolis, Minnesota Smith. Alas, Della is no longer with us, but the company was taken over by her daughter Karen Fitch Mott. The last known contact information was 958 Redwood Drive, Apple Valley, MN, 55124 (952) 432-5630.

After all, if you’re going to spend money on this pattern, you might as well give it to the family who brought such an entertaining design into being.

Hopefully, Ms. Mott won’t want to sue Handmade by Mother for copyright violation. However, if she does, Theresa Dacenzo of Pennsylvania better watch out because I’ll squeal on her. At least I didn’t pretend to Crochet World that S&M poodles were the product of my twisted imagination.

Welsh zombies, yes. Dolphin lust demons (this year's novel!), yes. Perverted Poodles … well, maybe for the next 3-Day novel.

Click here for the printable pattern (such as it is).

Read more!

Fun is in the eye of the beholder.

Poodle Set from McCall’s Needlework Fall-Winter, 1952-53

To properly celebrate PoodleFest, it’s not enough to cover your toilet rolls and hair spray with poodles. You need to turn your children into poodles, too.

As McCall’s helpfully points out, “What makes it fun is – her crocheted hat has poodle ears, her scarf, poodle legs, and a poodle muff cuddles her pinkies.”

Yes, wearing the dismembered body parts of your favorite pet is what makes it fun!

But wait, someone in the photo is clearly not having fun.

In fact, her poodle pal looks downright depressed.

If he doesn’t turn that frown upside down pronto, he’s going to find himself turned into a cap, scarf and muff set. Just like the last poodle who failed to live up to his billing as “funniest thing”.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

FRENCH POODLE

Size: 9’’ x 12’’.
Materials: Columbia Knitting Worsted, 6 1 oz balls brown. Small amount of black for mouth; strand of white for teeth. Cotton for stuffing. 1 pair of glass eyes No. 14 (or 2 buttons). “Boye” steel crochet hook No. 1.
Gauge: 6 s c = 1’’; 6 rows of s c = 1’’.

Take note – you have the option of using buttons instead of glass eyes. Don’t get all giddy with your newfound sense of freedom, though. This poodle only comes in one colour – brown.

If you make it black or white, your poodle will no longer be the “funniest thing”. Instead, the poodle will be a symbol of your profound failure as a Mother.

Pink is right out.

Body: Starting at back, ch 6, join in ring with sl st.
Row 1: 8 s c in ring.
Row 2: 2 s c in each st (16 sts).
Row 3: * 2 s c in first st, 1 s c in next st, repeat from * around (24 sts).
Row 4: Same as row 3 (36 sts).
Row 5: 2 s c in every 9th st (40 sts). Work even for 30 rows. Break off yarn. Turn inside out.

Tail: Ch 6, join in ring with sl st.
Row 1: Work 8 1’’ lps in ring as follows: * With strand over first finger of left hand (1’’ from work), insert hook in ring, draw strand through ring from under the finger, then yarn over hook and through the 2 loops on hook (finishing 1 s c), repeat from * 7 times more (draw lps up to make sure they are 1’’ long and even). Continue to work around.
Row 2: 2 lps in each st (16 lps). Work 1 lp in each st around for 2 rows, then work 1 s c in each st for 9 rows.
Row 14: Work 7 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 15: Skip 1 st, work 6 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 16: Skip 1 st, 5 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 17: Skip 1 st, 4 s c, break off yarn.

Stuff Tail and Body: Sew tail to body, having last row of tail at center back of body.

Just make sure to orient your poodle’s tail up, like in the McCall’s photo. You want a happy poodle, not a clinically depressed poodle who might suddenly turn around and chew on a former head of state.

Head: Starting at top, ch 8, join in ring with sl st.
Row 1: Work 10 lps in ring (as in tail).
Row 2: 2 lps in each st (20 lps).
Row 3: 2 lps in each st (40 lps).
Rows 4 and 5: 1 lp in each st.
Row 6: 1 s c in each st, increasing 6 sts around (46 sts).
Rows 7 to 9: 1 s c in each st.
Row 10 (Start face): 1 s c in each of 23 sts, ch 18 for chin and fasten with s c in first st, then work around for face as follows:
Row 1 (continue on wrong side): 1 s c in each of 4 sts, fasten eye in next st, or place marker for button, 1 s c in each of 11 sts, fasten eye in next st, 1 s c in each of 5 sts, 1 s c in each of the 18 ch (41 sts around).
Row 2: Sk 1 st, 21 s c, sk 1 st, 18 s c; 39 sts.
Row 3: Sk 1, 20 s c, sk 1, 17 s c, 37 sts.
Row 4: Sk 1, 19 s c, sk 1, 16 s c, 35 sts.
Row 5: Sk 1, 18 s c, sk 1, 15 s c, 33 sts.
Row 6: Sk 1, 17 s c, sk 1, 14 s c, 31 sts.
Row 7: Sk 1, 16 s c, sk 1, 13 s c, 29 sts.
Row 8: Sk 1, 15 s c, sk 1, 12 s c, 27 sts.
Row 9: Sk 1, 14 s c, sk 1, 11 s c, 25 sts.
Row 10: Sk 1, 13 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, work 2 lps in each of 2 sts, 1 s c at center, 2 lps in each of 2 sts, 2 s c.
Row 11: Sk 1 st, 12 s c, sk 1 st, 2 s c, 4 lps over 4 lps, 1 s c, 4 lps over 4 lps, 2 s c.
Row 12: * Sk 1 st, 1 s c in each of 2 sts, repeat from * around, break off yarn.
With black yarn, work 2 rows of s c around, break off yarn, close mouth with a few sts.

Of course, some poodles have legitimate reasons for being both depressed and homicidal.

Continuing on wrong side, join brown yarn at neck edge and work 24 s c across back of head, and 20 s c across ch (44 sts). Continue to work around, skipping 1 st each side on each of the next 6 rows (32 sts remaining). Work even for 10 rows, then work across front only as follows:
Row 1: Ch 1, turn, sk 1 st, work 14 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 2: Sk 1 st, 13 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 3: Sk 1 st, 12 s c, ch 1, turn. Work 4 more rows in this manner, break off yarn. With white, work 4 long sts for teeth below black nose. Cut lps at chin.

My, what sharp teeth you have, Grandma... I mean Mr. Poodle!

Stuff head firmly, shaping face. Sew body to edge of neck.

Paws and Legs (Make 4 legs the same for 8 lp rows): Starting at sole, ch 4, join in ring with a sl st.
Row 1: 6 s c in ring.
Row 2: 2 s c in each st (12 sts).
Row 3: 2 s c in each st (24 sts).
Row 4: 1 s c in each st (24 sts).
Row 5: 5 s c, 2 s c in each of 7 sts, 12 s c (31 sts).
Row 6: 8 s c, sk 1 st, 1 s c, sk 1 st, 2 s c in each of 3 sts, sk 1 st, 1 s c, sk 1 st, 14 s c (30 sts).
Row 7: 8 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 9 s c (26 sts).
Row 8: 8 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 9 s c (23 sts).
Row 9: 8 s c, sk 1, 4 s c, sk 1, 9 s c (21 sts).
Row 10: 10 s c, sk 2, 9 s c (19 sts).
Row 11: 19 s c (ending row at center back of heel).
Row 12: 1 lp in each st (19 lps). Repeat rows 11 and 12, seven times more (8 lp rows).
Repeat row 11, then work top of legs as follows:

Poodles of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your leashes!

And your incredibly silly hair cuts...

Right front and right back legs:
Row 1: Work 1 lp in each of 9 sts, ch 1, turn.
Row 2: 1 s c in each of 11 sts, ch 1, turn.
Row 3: 11 lps, ch 1, turn.
Row 4: 2 s c in first st, 1 s c in each of 9 sts, 2 s c in last st, ch 1, turn.
Row 5: 13 lps, ch 1, turn.
Row 6: 13 s c, break off yarn, leaving enough length to sew leg to body.

Left front and left back legs (Starting at center back): Row 1: Sl st across 10 sts, 9 lps to end of row, ch 1, turn.
Row 2: 11 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 3: 11 lps, ch 1, turn.
Row 4: 2 s c in first st, 9 s c, 2 s c in last st, ch 1, turn.
Row 5: 13 lps, ch 1, turn.
Row 6: 13 s c, break off yarn.
Place cardboard shapes in paws, then stuff legs. Sew legs to body, paws facing front. Complete poodle by making the ears as follows:

Ears (Make 2): Ch 15, turn.
Row 1: Sk 2 ch, 13 s c, ch 2, turn.
Row 2: 1 lp in each st, ch 2, turn.
Row 3: 13 s c, ch 2, turn. Repeat rows 2 and 3 three times more, then repeat row 3 for 8 rows.
Row 18: Sk every other st, break off yarn.
Sew ears to head close to last lp row on top of head.

Leash: Use heavy cotton yarn. Cut 9 28’’ strands. Divide in 3, knot one end, braid. Knot other end. Tack one end back for 5’’ handle. For collar, cut 24 9’’ strands. Divide, braid. Sew ends and attach leash.

“POODLE” CAP, SCARF, MUFF

Materials: Knitting Worsted, 6 oz. red.

Red? Since when do poodles, or even “poodles,” come in red? Brown, black, white, even pink, sure! But never red!

Well... except for this poodle.

But why would you want your daughter to look like the day-glo spawn of Carmen Miranda and a Russian folk dancer?

“Boye” non-inflammable 5 ¾’’ crochet hook, Letter “F.” ½ yd. ¼’’ elastic.

Interesting historical tidbit: the words inflammable and flammable, both mean “this item burns like bejeezus and might spontaneously combust if you look at it sideways”, but come from entirely different Latin roots. Today flammable is the preferred term, because English speakers look at the prefix “in” and assume incorrectly (see how INcorrect is the opposite of correct?) that inflammable actually means “safe as houses, feel free to dress your children in it and allow them to play with matches”.

Unfortunately, none of this answers the real question of why our crochet hooks must be fireproof in order to safely complete this pattern.

Gauge: 4 s c = 1’’.
Knot Stitch: † * Draw up a ¾’’ lp on hook, yo and through lp, insert hook under thread at left of lp and work 1 s c, repeat from * once, s c in next ridge st, repeat from † across.

Poodle Trimming: Row 1: Attach yarn to first ridge st of first ridge row, work knot st across row. Row 2: Ch 1, work 1 knot st (turning knot st), s c in first ridge st of next row and work knot st across. Repeat row 2 for remainder of trimming.

CAP: Starting at center of head, ch 22.
Row 1: S c in 2nd ch from hook, and in each ch across (21 s c), ch 1, turn. Work s c in back lp of each s c (slipper st) and work even until piece measures desired length to top of ear, ch 1, turn.
Ear Muff: Dec 1 s c each side every row until 1 st remains. End off. Attach yarn to first st of starting ch, work 21 s c across, ch 1, turn. Finish same as first side. Work poodle trimming over each ear muff. Work 1 row knot st around edge of each ear muff.
Ties: Make six 30’’ chs; braid 3 chs tog for each tie. Knot one end, attach other end to tip of each ear muff.

Maybe the hooks need to be “non-inflammable” because of the extreme sport of speed crocheting. I sure wouldn’t be surprised to see scorch marks on Lisa Gentry’s hooks!

SCARF: Ch 11. S c in 2nd ch from hook, and in each ch across (10 s c), ch 1, turn. Work slipper st for 3’’, ch 1, turn. Dec row: * Draw up a lp in each of 2 s c, yo and through all lps on hook, repeat from * across (5 s c). Work even for 1 ½’’, ch 1, turn. Work 2 s c in each s c across (10 s c), ch 1, turn.
Neck Piece: Work slipper st until neck piece measures 12 ½’’ or desired length around neck. Repeat dec row (5 sts remain), ch 1, turn.
Slit: Work slipper st for 2’’. End off. Attach yarn to first row of slit and work another piece across same 5 sts for 2’’, do not end off.
Join Slit Section: * S c in first s c of first piece, s c in first s c of 2nd piece, repeat from * across (10 s c), ch 1, turn. Work slipper st for 3’’. End off. Work poodle trimming over first and last 3’’ of scarf.

MUFF: Ch 26. Row 1: S c in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across (25 s c), ch 1, turn. Work slipper st for 12’’ or desired length. End off. Work poodle trimming over entire piece. Sl st tog first and last row of muff. Work 4 rows s c around side openings (facings). Turn under and hem facings. Insert elastic in facings, cut to wrist measurement.
Handle: Make one tie as for cap, fold in half and sew in place.

There! Your child is now securely encased in bright red “Poodle” wear, with Prozac the Clinically Depressed Poodle to keep her company. You are officially a Good Mother.

But don’t rest on your laurels, even if they’re inflammable! There’s more poodles to come...

Click here for the printable pattern.


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