Sensational doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Dritz Art Needlework Ad from McCall’s Needlework & Crafts, Winter 1978

Unless, during the 1970s, sensational was a synonym for bleak and depressing.

To be fair, being a survivalist was a lot tougher those days. There were no websites to provide tips on how to decorate your bunker for Christmas, or what gifts to buy relatives who refuse to prepare for the collapse of Western civilization.

So back in 1978, Brenda heroically tried to brighten up her basement bunker by flinging needlepoint pillows hither and yon. However, despite their striking dimensional effect, her Dritz® Art mini-pillows proved to be no protection when Commie Santa came to town.

For more 1970s survivalist decorating ideas:

Ah Christmas Eve, a time of joy and celebration even if you lived in a disco era bomb shelter. After the kids fell asleep in their sleeping bags, visions of canned goods and gold bars dancing in their heads, Brenda put up the artificial tree. Then she hung the unbreakable ornaments, draped the flame-resistant garlands, and broke out hypoallergenic fiberfill snow for under the tree.

Still, Radioactive Rudolf had nothing but contempt for her efforts.

Rudolph couldn’t forgive Brenda for using up all her red yarn giving Mr. and Mrs. Claus glowing red noses. But everyone knows that reindeer are useless during a nuclear winter.

But come Armageddon, Rudolf, Christmas Mouse, Mutant Mutt, Frosty and his Mini-Me will be grateful for Brenda’s indoor/outdoor turf carpeting. Those synthetic fibers are guaranteed to survive anything short of a direct hit from an atom bomb. Plus, the wood paneling on the wall is actually made of Laminex® – wipes clean and blocks radiation!

Even Brenda’s needlepoint Christmas wreath (decorative bar not included) has been constructed out of apocalypse-resistant acrylic yarn.

Sometimes Brenda fantasizes about going outside to see real trees and grass, but then she thinks, “What if today is the day they drop the bomb?” You see, she’s been living in this basement since Sputnik launched in 1957, and only captured found a husband when an unsuspecting plumber stumbled into her shelter in 1972.

Gazing at the locked, blast proof doors, Brenda decides she can’t chance the Soviets sending Merry Missiles for Christmas. So she reaches for another Dritz® Art Needlework Kit, thankful that they deliver during the end times.


Weird Al Yankovic - Christmas At Ground Zero (Official Music Video) - The best video clips are right here


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Slouching toward a Washable Bethlehem

Carefree Washable Wool Ad from Vogue Knitting, Holiday, 1986

CARING GIFTS IN CAREFREE, WASHABLE WOOL

Nothing's too good for that favorite kid.

But the other three? Meh. They can have stretched out old sweaters you picked up at the flea market.

And if the oldest complains that her Christmas sweater is way too long, just tell her that it’s a dress meant to be worn with tights. Then take lots of pictures to be used as blackmail in the future.

Good mothers plan ahead.

That’s why you’ll spend the time and love on a handmade gift. When wool’s your yarn choice, you can be sure that you’re giving the best. Wool’s warm, comfortable...

Assuming your definition of comfortable is “so itchy everyone will assume your child has fleas”.

...great looking, incredibly resilient – and it’s even washable. That’s our gift to you.

By the way, we’re expecting you to pay for this “gift”.

Because you care, we wouldn’t want you to put your effort into anything less than the best... Pure Washable Wool.

That’s right, use Pure Wool, or we’ll all know that you don’t put any effort into your impure knitting.

Check your favorite yarn store for pattern information and yarn with the washable wool label.

There’s a mysterious symbol on the bottom right of the ad... what could it mean?

To find out:

This ominous triple swirl is the Woolmark!

In 1964, a shadowy Australian organization known as the “International Wool Secretariat” secretly hatched a plan to take over the world by creating quality standards for wool.

Don’t look so surprised, everyone knows that Australia is the number one breeding ground for successful supervillains. The IWS is headed by Doctor Lanolin, usually pictured bald and stroking his pet wallaby, Mr. Hoppy. He (the doctor not the wallaby) decided to hold an international competition to create a recognizable new logo for the IWS. A logo which would then be tattooed onto everyone’s forehead during the Apocalypse, as a sign of their allegiance to the Antichrist!

No?

Oh, all right, a more scholarly (*cough*boring*cough*) account of the history of the Antichr... I mean, Woolmark Company can be found here.

But if you’re unprepared when the Australian supervillains begin their reign of terror, don’t come crying to me.

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The End of Poodlefest... Forever?

Pack-o-Fun Ad from McCall’s Needlework & Crafts, Fall-Winter 1963-64

All across North America grocery stores are charging the punitive sum of five cents for plastic bags. Sure, using cloth bags is good for the environment, but what about the plastic bag poodle? Doesn’t anyone care that fabulous poodles like Pierre above are now facing extinction?

But don’t despair, plastic poodle lovers! I have sacrificed hours of my spare time researching this crisis. Saint-like, I endured the taunts of my husband who cruelly described my hard hitting investigation as “watching TV while making useless poodle crap”. As the Bible says, poodle prophets are never recognized in their own living rooms. And thanks to TV, I found the plastic poodle promised land.

Apparently, all of our neighbours are hoarders! Their homes are overflowing with all the junk we’ve foolishly recycled, when we should’ve been transforming our trash into CLEVER GIFTS, TOYS AND FAVORS! There is a potential PACK-o-FUN treasure trove hidden next door, including POPSICLE STICKS, FLASH BULBS (kids, ask grandma what these are), PLASTIC BAGS, CORN COBS (why compost when you can have a corn cob Pierre the Poodle?), OLD CANDLES, BURNT MATCHES (because even pyromaniacs enjoy creating crafts), HANGERS, SAWDUST (did you know there’s a Sawdust Festival in California?), STRING, and FOIL (if you can spare any of this all purpose tool). It is our sacred duty to help our neighbourhood hoarders get rid of their surplus stuff by creating wall to wall poodle paraphernalia!

Or maybe we should leave helping hoarders to the TV professionals, and just raid our own closets. And while you’re digging through your surplus fun fur and bathroom tissue tubes (that would make a lovely poodle footstool!), please keep an eye out for vintage poodle knit and crochet patterns for me.

You see, thanks to the runaway successes of PoodleFest 2009 and 2010, I’m now plumb out of poodle patterns. Okay, I have one left, but you’ll have to wait for Santa to post that poodle at Christmastime. So, if you want PoodleFest 2011 to become a reality, please check under your poodle stools (the indoor ones, not the ones on your front lawn!) for stray poodle patterns from the 1930s through 1980s. If you find any vintage knit or crochet poodles that haven’t been posted on Handmade by Mother, please contact me at victoriadunnwrites at hotmail dot com or just leave a comment below.

SO, SAVE POODLEFEST 2011 OR FACE THE HORRIFYING CONSEQUENCES! Ahem, I mean, thanks for your support in my time of poodle need.

To discover the horrifying consequences of Poodlefest 2011 not being saved:

CLOWNFEST 2011!

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!


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Acrilan - You Can't Put It Down!

Acrilan yarn ad from Woman’s Day Granny Squares, Number 4, 1976

“Sweetheart,” said Grandma, “aren’t there any other hobbies you might enjoy?”

“Mommy, please stop knitting,” pleaded the children.

“Put the yarn down right now, or I’ll divorce you!” her husband bellowed.

But Bonnie was firmly in the grip of her Acrilan Addiction and was unstoppable.

And so it came to pass that their 1976 Family Christmas Card featured a photo of everyone wearing their new Acrilan shrink resistant toques and moth proof mufflers, desperate, colorfast smiles pasted on their faces.

For more Seasonal Snark:

“Let’s all try to smile for the pictures,” said Grandma, a life long Kenny Rogers fan.

“And we’ll hold it as long as we can,” added Grandpa, grimly.

“Big boys don’t cry.”

“Bitsy’s lucky,” said Big Sister. “She’s too little to remember when we had a real mommy.”

“Soon as I learn to walk,” Bitsy thought, “I’m outta here!”

“Goddammit, I don’t care if all we’ve got left in the house is some peppermint schnapps and Vicks Formula 44 cough syrup, I’m getting drunk tonight!”

“Help.”

“Tonight, they die. All of them.”


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The Urban Legend of Paternayan

Ad for Paternayan yarn from Good Housekeeping Needlecraft, Spring-Summer, 1980

I don’t need to wade through all that text to figure out the legend of Paternayan yarns. The photo is clear evidence that if you say “Paternayan” three times into the bathroom mirror, a humongous, fez-wearing djinn will sneak up behind you and ravage you. Or possibly turn you into a man-or-woman kebob. Suffice to say, unless that’s a flying carpet she’s making, this lady has very little time left to enjoy the “quality, durability and lustrous color” of Paternayan yarns.

Yes, of course, I’m sure that’s what this advertisement is about. True, a warning about super-sized, supernatural slaughter is a strange way to promote tapestry and rug yarns. Then again, we’ve already seen yarn companies promote their products with handmade adult diapers and wild yarn orgies.

Oh all right, if you insist, I’ll read the actual ad.

For the actual ad (and more snark!):

“No one else in the world had ever made such a yarn. In fact, to this day, though imitators have come and gone, nobody makes a yarn as good as Paternayan yarn.”

I have a sneaking suspicion that the huge, honking djinn played an important part in all those imitators being “gone”. To heck with cowboys, Willie Nelson should have sung, Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be Paternayan’s competitors.

“Today, more than 50 years after its development, the wool for Paternayan Persian yarn is still sheared from sheep raised in one particular (and secret) region of the world.”

I suspect Paternayan’s secrecy had nothing to do with concerns over sheep rustling. Much like today, Iran wasn’t a popular country in the United States during 1980. However, co-founder Harry Paternayan was astute enough to realize that the average North American wouldn’t connect the word Persian with Iran.

Still, I don’t think it was Harry’s best idea to replace the negative image of hostage-taking fanatics with a menacing, man-and-woman-eating giant. Who, on closer examination, also appears to be a Ginger!

“Paternayan yarns are recognized by everyone from Mid-Eastern potentates...”

Hmmm, I’m not sure if Harry’s trying to manipulate me with fantasies of the Exotic East à la Ottoman Empire, or if he means that Paternayan yarns are very popular with Shriners.

“...to scholars at The Metropolitan Museum of Art...”

I realize that some people enjoy modern art, but just keep in mind that this is MoMA’s idea of fashion.

And no, I didn’t deliberately mix up the Metropolitan Museum of Art with the Museum of Modern Art because I thought the above image was way funnier than anything I saw at the Met.

*whistling*

“... as the world’s richest and most colorful. In fact, many of the colors we’ve developed over the years were considered impossible achievements by the color experts of the day.”

Yes, I’m sure that compared to summoning Djinn, mixing colours for yarn is a doddle.

Whaddya mean the djinn djokes are getting old?

“Harry Paternayan, co-founder of Paternayan Brothers, still oversees our yarn plant.”

I wasn’t able to find out if he still was, but it’s rather unlikely as Harry was already an adult when he left his native Turkey in 1916...

Hang on, the Paternayan family was from Turkey not Iran? No wonder their sheep farm’s location was secret! They didn’t want anyone to find out they were selling Turkish, not Persian, yarns. Or, looking at the tiny print at the bottom of this ad, Phoenix, Arizonian yarn.

Still, I have a sneaking admiration for the clever way the Paternayan brothers cashed in on the North American veneration of Persian rugs.

“Paternayan yarns have always been legendary – not just for their quality, but for the quality of the shops that sell them. Small, independent businesses run for the most part by yarn and craft experts themselves.”

Paternayan still won’t deal with Walmart, but even their mighty djinn couldn’t protect them from discount stores on the internet. I doubt that will change unless someone scans a djinn into the internet and ... eep!

There, I read the ad! But now I have a confession to make. Fact is, I’ve known all along about the real legend of Paternayan. You see, a friend of a friend’s cousin told me that if you say Paternayan three times in the bathroom mirror, Phentex spiders will sneak up and attack you.

Of course, I don’t believe in these ridiculous urban legends, so I’m not going to do it.

What’s that?

I am not a coward! Fine, I’ll prove that this Paternayan legend is nothing but a sack load of schoolgirl silliness. Just wait a sec, while I pop into the washroom to look in the mirror.

Ahem. Paternayan, Paternayan, Paternayan

You see? Nothing happened. No Phentex Spiders!

Hang on, did you hear that? It sounded like something behind m...

AAAAAAAAAAH!

 

Errata: Thanks to Faithful Reader Hind, I now have a whole new appreciation for the culture clash that produced this ad.

Hind wrote, "The name Paternayan (or any family name ending with 'yan') means that the two brothers who established this yarn industry are Armenians. I have heard that Yan means 'son'. The fact that they immigrated to the USA in 1916 shows that they fled from Turkey one year after the massacres against the Armenians there. The Armenians are living in many Middle Eastern countries, including Egypt. They are well known here as very efficient craftsmen, with great artistic talents. They are also clever merchants. One of your links says that their original craft was repairing Persian carpets, which was, until now, a highly esteemed artistic craft, which required the best materials, as genuine Persian carpets are invaluable.

"What I find interesting in that ad is that the Armenians, who are used to be in our part of the world highly respected for their talents, expected the same esteem in America, from people who didn't know their reputation. That is why the ad sounds so haughty when it is written in English, while it would sound quite normal if it were written in Arabic, or in any other Middle Eastern language.

"The other interesting thing in this ad is the Djinni standing behind the woman, who is putting his hand over her's. He is not intending to harm her, on the contrary he is inspiring her, and guiding her hand while she works. Djinn in folklore and tradition are mostly not bad. They have supernatural powers which they use to inspire the people whom they favor. Every poet or artist,was believed to have his own Djinni. In Arabic the word 'Abquari' means genius, which means literally 'belonging to the Vally of "Abquar"', the place where Djinn were supposed to dwell. So every genius has some relation with the Djinn. This ad wants to say: If you use our yarns, which are made by the supernatural power of the Djinn, they will also inspire you while you work. Again, such a thing would sound quite normal here, but not in America.

"This shows that the Armenian company, after being in America for over 60 years when that ad was written, still kept their Eastern traditions, which were not always understood correctly.

"PS: You may notice that I sometimes use the word "Djinn", which is the plural form, while "djinni" is the singular."

Thanks, Hind!

I've heard many stories of North Americans making cross-cultural advertising gaffes, so it's fun to see it works both ways.

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Warning - Excessive Keenness May Cause Premature Aging

Brunswick Ad from McCall’s Needlework & Crafts, Spring-Summer, 1969

Keen Teens go for match-ups!

And evidently so do...

For even more snark:

 

... their repressed suburban mothers. Thank goodness for Brunswick’s matching yarns and fabrics, otherwise Donna’s lemon yellow cardigan wouldn’t perfectly match her steel-wool-coloured skirt. She says it’s just the thing to wear while obsessive compulsively cleaning house! Donna’s secretly relieved that her husband’s having an affair, so she doesn’t have to bother with that messy sex business anymore.

And their flighty, colour-mad, alcoholic aunts. Barbara’s fun, but also kinda scary. Especially when she starts driving the wrong way down Main Street with her head out the window, screaming at random strangers. But good news, boys, she’s still single!

However the one fellow a keen teen can always count on to “go for a match-up” is fun-loving, young-minded Alfie.

He hangs out at the soda shop all day long, claiming he’s a senior in high school. All the kids know he just turned forty, and that he wears a toupee. Tonight, Alfie will re-read his old yearbooks until he cries himself to sleep. Good news, gals, he’s still single too!

So, let this be a lesson to keen teens everywhere. The pleasure begins at Needlework Departments, Yarn and Fabric Shops everywhere, but unsafe match-ups will only lead to a lifetime of regrets. And really dorky looking clothing.


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Yarns Gone Wild

Ad for DMC Cotton and Wool from “Ladies’ Home Journal Needle & Craft”, Spring/Summer 1975.

Naturally, you can tell those are DMC yarns and threads. In 1975, DMC was the only corporation who raised free range yarns and embroidery floss. In those dark days, all other yarn producers used feed lots and hormone shots, as revealed by the gut-wrenching TV ads produced by P.E.T.Y. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Yarn).

Of course, there’s always the risk of the yarns being damaged in stampedes like the one you see above. But isn’t it worth getting a bit of wool in your cotton, or cotton in your wool, to know that your yarns led happy lives cavorting in the ivy before being forcibly stitched into a life of slavery as your knit sweater or embroidered smock.

That’s right, polyester suits were popular in the seventies because of the Yarn Rights Movement. I read it in Wikipedia.

For even more snark:


Maybe I’ve watched too many Discovery Channel shows, but that’s beginning to look less like a stampede and more like an unconstrained, mating season orgy.

Dear God, that means bulky yarns and embroidery floss are making it with each other! 3 ply and 1 ply are intertwined in sweaty, frenzied lasciviousness! I don’t care if the result is “a panorama of over 1800 brilliant colors.” This uninhibited blending of cottons and wools is a slippery slope that will lead to cats and dogs living together and complete chaos.

Go to your knitting bag, and separate your worsted and DK before it’s too late!

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She's Waiting for Your Call

Ad for Sirdar's Summer Breeze yarn, from McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Spring-Summer, 1968

It’s Jumpy. By which I can only assume the yarn is hopped up on caffeine.

It’s Terrific. Eight two-tone fashion colours sounds more okay than terrific, and what’s with “snow white”? Were meteorologists predicting “frost-like” summer breezes for 1968?

It’s Cool. I’ll bet an English Lit Major interning at the marketing department was very proud of that word choice.

“Check it out,” he told everyone. “It’s both cool and cool. Get it?”

“I hate him,” thought the photographer. But he kept his cool by photographing a hot chick suggestively straddling a pier. “One day,” he promised himself, “I’ll work for Playboy.”

The editor added wonderfully in front of wearable and washable. “Wonderful works for Disney so it’s got to work for us!”

The head of marketing insisted on adding the line, “She’s in Leaflet No. 2412.” “Sex sells,” he intoned, chomping on his cigar.

When the intern saw the final ad, he felt a piece of his soul shrivel up and die.

For even more snark:">

While Sirdar is still spinning yarn in the UK, Continental Yarns has long since disappeared. The last anyone heard of them was in 1981 when one of their abandoned manufacturing plants was taken over by Harper Wyman, maker of electric ranges and gas grills renowned for their dainty nubbiness.

By the way, Harper Wyman is also still around, though they are now manufacturing fabricated metal parts that are wonderfully washable, but probably not wonderfully wearable.

I couldn’t track down the unnamed model, but I assume she’s now running her own phone sex business. That’s right, Granny is sexy, and she’s waiting for your call!


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The Power of Mattel Compels You!

Ad for Mattel, from Family Circle, November, 1974

Idle hands do the devil’s work, said her mother.

Give her something to keep her busy, said her sister.

Your daughter needs a hobby, stammered the psychiatrist, twisting his hands together worriedly.

Honestly, thought Chris, you’d think the man could have come up with something more original, considering how much she was paying him per hour.

Still, she dutifully went out to Macy’s and picked up the most time consuming project she could find. A nice, ordinary knitting machine for making hats and doll clothes, and four small balls of orange and brown yarn. There was no way her little Regan could do anything...

Anything weird with it.

For even more snark:


Regan was delighted with her new toy. She clutched it to her chest and ran off to her bedroom beaming.

Hours later, the sound of cranking finally ceased. Chris walked back to Regan’s bedroom and knocked on the door. “Sweetie? Dinner’s almost ready.”

“Come see what I made!” chirped Regan.

What could her daughter have possibly done with four balls of yarn? Chris opened the bedroom door. Regan was seated in the middle of an enormous pile of brightly coloured stuffed animals, perched on a brand new afghan, her clothes entirely fashioned out of yarn coils. As Chris stared in disbelief, the yarn snake yawned widely and wiggled its fuzzy acrylic tongue at her.

Okay, thought Chris. That psychiatrist is useless. I’m calling a priest.



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Happy Independance Day!

Ad for Spinnerin, from McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Spring-Summer, 1972

Ah, the Cuarto de Julio. Traditionally celebrated by my southern neighbours with pie-eating contests, illegal fireworks, and chasing greased pigs, it is also a time of sober reflection on the idealistic if ultimately misguided Great American Crafts Revolution of 1972. Who can forget the small band of exceptionally well-groomed hippies, armed with little more than red, white and blue afghans and eagle design hook rugs, who courageously petitioned the International Olympics Committee to allow speed crocheting at the Summer Games.

For even more snark:

Alas, Waldi the first Olympic mascot mistook their crochet hooks for chew toys, and in the ensuing melee, granny square vests proved to be little protection against a dachshund scorned. It is said that shredded remains of red, white and blue Spinnerin Kaleidoscope yarn can still be found in Germany to this day.

The exploits of these early crochet freedom fighters are all but forgotten now. But thanks to this ad, we are reminded that the Great American Crafts Revolution of 1972 wasn’t just about the innocence of a time when people could say “shag bag” without sniggering. It was also a time when knitters, crocheters, and hookers (of rugs, jeez!) came together (stop snickering!) to share needles... er, I mean “needle-up history-making ideas”.

What does that mean? Um, well... hey, look, muppets!

Happy 4th of July!
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Who Says Crocheting Ain't Sexy?

Ad for American Thread, from McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Spring-Summer, 1972

Everyone says only little old ladies spend their days crocheting in rocking chairs. But, see? See? Crocheting is sexy! Really!

I’ll prove it.

For even more snark:


Sunshine days, what girl doesn’t love sunshiny days and skimpy clothing, and the wolf whistles as she sashays past?

Minutes to spare. Sure, because she’s got to finish that alluring bikini in time for the pool party!

Hours to live...

What? How is THAT sexy?

Apparently American Thread is radioactive. In just a few hours she’ll look like a rapidly aging Captain Kirk in that Star Trek episode “The Deadly Years”.

No, we won’t underestimate the Uncommon Seamstress, we’ll just mourn her when she’s gone and buried in a lead lined coffin. And all she had time to create was the lining, frantically hand-crocheted in Harvest Gold and Reaper Orange.

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Cultural Appropriation is Very, Very Tacky

Ad for Reynolds Yarns, from McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Spring-Summer, 1972

What is a Kutu, you ask the wise, old hermit who lives on the mountain top.

He strokes his long white beard, and replies, Know this, seeker of truth, Kutu is a town in the Congo, a Bantu language in Tanzania, and a blood sucking flea in Malaysia.

Kutu is also one man’s answer to "How was it in Cambodia?", a Warrior Priest in a Massively Multiplayer Online game, and an acronym for the mother of all menstrual cramps.

However, if you seek full enlightenment, you must know of the terrible depths to which this venerable word once sank. For once upon a time, Kutu was a collection of wild, wooly and wretched ponchos, replete with false promises of witchcraft and social acceptance.

Knit yourself up a Kutu and you will be magically transported to the deck of a cruise ship with your exotic lover. Fortunately, this ad also reveals that Borneo royalty wore Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses to protect themselves from the tackiness of their royal garb.

For the even more snark:


This woman thought that a mohair Kutu with zebra stripes would be just the foxy new thing to wear to the new social club for singles. Something that would say, “I am a confident, cosmopolitan woman who will still knit and cook for the right man.”

But the other women whispered behind her back and the men stammered and made excuses rather than look directly at her. It was the minister’s wife who finally pulled her aside and asked why she wore something so obscene to a church organized social.

“We can support your decision to become a feminist,” she said, “but do you really have to wear a picture of your, ahem, womanhood on the outside of your clothes?”

Reynolds didn’t just supply Southeast Asian inspired poncho patterns to white suburbanites. They were also hard at work meeting the demands of the superhero niche market. The woman on the far left is summoning her fishy friends, while the one in the centre is about to use her awesome flying squirrel powers to nab an arctic bank robber. We’re not sure what the final woman’s superpower might be, but it appears to have something to do with rainbows.

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The Tell Tale Crochet Hook

Ad for Cartier-Bresson, Famous French Cottons, from McCall's Needlework, Fall-Winter, 1952-53.

Today she’ll be spending twenty hours crocheting the latest accessories out of French Cotton Thread. Only the best cotton will do. It just has to have that lustrous quality, that beauty and delicacy that only Cartier-Bresson can provide.

Twenty hours. She’d work longer, but the man must have his dinner. And then there’s after dinner... but she doesn’t think about that. Instead she thinks about single crochet, double crochet, and crocheting through the back of the loop. As soon as he’s asleep, she slides out of bed and picks up her crochet hook and starts again.

For even more snark:

As her fingers fly she vaguely remembers that her life wasn’t always like this. Back before she’d given up her bridge club for séances and black magic, she’d hardly spent any time at all crocheting. Laughing over a copy of C.B.’s Modern Crochet Fashions and a silver cup of goat’s blood, it had seemed like such a delightful idea to summon a handcrafter’s demon to help her finish all her half-completed projects. If only she’d read the small print about “round-the-clock fashions. . .”

Her eyes are stinging with fatigue and she thinks to herself that if she had no eyes, she wouldn’t be able to crochet. She could finally put her hook down and sleep. But no... the toilet seat must have a doily. So must the trash can lid. And she realizes with horror that the man has no lace to decorate the sleeves of his shirts.

She keeps crocheting.
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Yesterday’s Craft Generation Thinks You’re Square

Ad for Walco Macrame Belt kits from McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Spring-Summer 1972.

Feeling bad about your Dacron plaid jacket and perma-press polyester pants? Are the cool kids all wearing wrinkled tie dye t-shirts and ripped jeans? Do you stand on the outside, wistfully breathing in the fumes of patchouli incense and Mary Jane? (The drug, not the girl, even though rumor has it that M.J. has refused to bathe until Nixon is out of office.)

Well, despair no more! Thanks to the good folks at Walco, you can now fit right in!

For even more snark:

For a measly five dollars each (together equal to $51.15 US today), you can order a Macrame Belt Kit which will get you groovy Walcords in stunning colours never seen in nature, and easy to follow instructions on how to tie a knot.

It’s about time. Your mother can’t tie your shoes for you forever.
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Crochet Hooks Are From Mars

Ad for Boye Crochet Hooks and Knitting Needles from McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Fall-Winter 1952-53.

On first glance, the sexy curves of the green crochet hook complement the green chair in which our curvaceous young mother is sitting. And the bright red needle perfectly matches our new father’s tie in both colour and phallic form.

However, using our handy dandy magnifying glasses, we discover that the crochet hook boasts a masculine “round head” which is used for speedy “crocheting action”. While the concave point of the needle suggests a traditional feminine role in eliminating dropped stitches (picking up after everyone again).

And the cross gendered fun doesn’t end there!

For even more snark:

Why, just look how enthusiastic Dad is about his wife’s new knitting needles.

One might suspect that his crushing despair at his first born being a girl(e) has driven him crackers. Or perhaps he’s thrilled at finally finding just the right implements to destroy those pesky vampires next door.

But the truth is, Dad just wants to get his hands on those enormous needles, in order to knit himself a sexy little angora sweater. Mother’s been complaining that he’s stretched all of hers out of shape. Which is hardly fair, considering that he’s no wider across the shoulders, and she’s far chestier. Especially when she wears those sexy cone bras that she never, ever lets him have.

Maybe I could knit myself one of those, he thinks.
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Pompoms will change your life!

Ad for Walco Bead Company from McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Fall-Winter 1954-55.

Little known fact: The “Glamour for Pennies” business was a cut throat, dog-eat-dog, fight to the death back in the 1950s. How do we know this? Walco Bead Company was forced to register "Cork ’n Pompom" as a trademark.

Because goodness knows, back in the day everyone wanted to cork ’n pompom. It was all the rage, and why not? Cork ’n Pompoms can be dangled from your wrists, your neck, your ears. You can use them as curtain pulls. Hang them off the cat’s tail. Glue them to the toes of your husband’s shoes. He’ll be thrilled! And if not, your Cork ’n Pompom pasties are sure to restore domestic tranquility.

For more snark:

However, cork ’n pompomming was not a hobby for the faint of heart. Unlike modern instant gratification crafts, these glamorous pearl, sequin, and rhinestone encrusted cork balls were not glued together, they were sewn. One heartbreakingly, miniscule bit of bling-bling at a time.

So chic... so sophisticated... so very OCD.


Be sure to save up those pennies. You'll be needing a lot of them!
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How to Marry a Forest Ranger

Ad for Monsanto from McCall''s Needlework & Crafts, Spring-Summer 1972.

Last fall, she saw How to Marry a Millionaire on TV, and she’s worked hard all winter creating her very own Forest Ranger Seduction Kit. Because if a Forest Ranger was good enough for Betty Grable, he’s good enough for her. Especially if they all look like Rory Calhoun.


From her saucy hand knit skort (with built-in diaper in case there’s no indoor plumbing) to her matching scarf (long enough to hog tie her man), Donna is a fashion Wow!

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To brightly feather her Wilderness Love Nest, Donna also used Monsanto’s indestructible Polyester yarn with “Wear-Dated” guarantee to make a shawl (yes, that’s a shawl, not a huge, honking blanket) and two pillows. They’re washable, durable, waterproof, and fire resistant (especially important in our flammable National Parks).

The pillows will also be useful as a visual cue during love-making. Let’s hope Rory the Forest Ranger can find Donna's “Happy Face” spot! He may need to bring his compass.

Woolco. For all your Seduction needs.

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Join the revolution!

Ad for Reynolds Yarns from McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Spring-Summer 1968.

Back then you could purchase the instructions for all three ensembles for a mere 25 cents. Clearly during the Sixties knitting was far more than a hobby. It was a lifestyle! A depraved lifestyle, involving avian cosplay and disturbingly sharp - and phallic - needles.

Reynolds has since disavowed their wild jet setting ways, and the patterns for these alternative flight suits are sadly no longer available. Instead, you can find pastel sweater patterns in an assortment of inoffensive designs here: http://www.calyarn.com/patternindex3.htm

However, as they currently have yarns named "Frisky", "Saucy", and "Olé Olé", there may still be life in the old girl yet.

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Baby, baby, make it hurt so good!

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