It’s Almost National Sweater Day!

Sherbet Sweater Pattern (Lea 067) from Laine Dor Yarns, Montreal, c. 1985

On Thursday, February 9th, the World Wildlife Fund is asking everyone in northern climes to turn down the heat and wear a sweater to slow global warming and save the Earth. According to their Sweater Day website: “If every Canadian lowered the heat a few degrees this winter, it'd be like taking 300,000 vehicles off the road!”

True, wearing a sweater one day of the year isn’t likely to slow down the coming weather apocalypse. Still, it’s a nice idea, so in honour of this year’s Sweater Day, I give you a pattern straight from the sweater-iest decade of the last century – the 1980s!

Also known as the sweatiest decade.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

The first thing I noticed upon opening the pattern leaflet was that the directions inside were for a sweater with vertical stripes. Before I could panic, as the sweater pictured clearly had horizontal stripes, a scrap of paper floated out of the booklet.

***************************************************
THIS IS THE CORRECT PATTERN. THE PATTERN PREPRINTED IN THIS LEAFLET BELONGS TO LEA062.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE THIS MAY HAVE CAUSED.

***************************************************

Excuse me, but vertical instead of horizontal stripes are far more than just an inconvenience! My mother warned me that vertical stripes will make me look taller, and that men are intimidated by tall women.

An All-Caps Apology certainly isn’t going to make up for the fact that they’ve just tricked me into buying the striped sweater of spinsterhood!

LEA 067 SWEATER WITH HORIZONTAL STRIPES

No, that’s not intended to be a link. The pattern designer was very fond of the underline key on her manual typewriter.

Spinsters have to make their own fun somehow.

Instructions: For all sizes

Materials: 450 grams (16oz) col A and 50 grams (2oz) of col B & C. In Laine Dor Sherbert

Yes, you read that right. It’s Sherbert, not Sherbet which is French for … well, Sherbert. However, in a move calculated to make pure laine francophones everywhere weep, the company’s called Laine Dor, not d’Or.

Still, you can’t deny they made pretty wool, even if it’s not actually spun “of gold” (d’Or). It’s a shame the company doesn’t appear to have survived the eighties.

Needles: Susan Nates size 7.00 (Am size 10 ½) – or size required to obtain gauge and size 5.00 (Am size 8)

Gauge: 15 sts and 18 rows 10 cm (4’’)

I wonder if leaving the equals sign out of their gauge had something to do with Laine Dor’s demise.

To save time: Take time to check gauge.

Front & Back: (Worked form one cuff to the other)

Or substituting “form” for “from”.

With No. 5.00 needles, and col A, cast on 31 sts and work 2 ½’’ in k1 P1 ribbing.

Randomly capitalizing letters couldn’t have helped their stock market standing.

Change to size 7.00 needles and cont in st st inc 17 sts evenly spaced across 1st row. Work 18 sts A, 6 sts col B in rev st st and 24 sts col A. Inc 1 st at ea edge every 2nd row until work meas 22’’.

Normally, I leave all the typos in, because they’re hilarious. In this case, however, “Inc 1st at ea edge” seemed unnecessarily confusing so I added the all important st so it was clear you were increasing stitches.

Feel free to thank me by going back in time and buying me stock in MTV.

At the same time, when work meas 8 ½’’, position second stripe of 6 sts in col C, rev st st, 10 sts from 1st stripe.

This is why you should always read the entire pattern. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself picking a sweater apart from 22’’ back down to 8 ½''.

Is that weeping I hear? Women in the eighties did not weep!

They got physical!

When work meas 14 ½’’, position 3rd stripe of 6 sts in col C, rev st st, 12 sts from 2nd stripe. When work meas 20 ½’’ position 4th stripe of 6 sts in col C, rev st st, 14 sts from 3rd stripe. Cont in this pattern. When work meas 22’’, inc 18 sts at ea edge. Work even until work meas 26 ½’’. To shape neck, divide work in half (back and front). For the back, work even for 10’’. For the front, at neck edge, every 2nd row, dec 1 st 3 times. End 1st stripe. Work even for 7 ½’’, then, every 2nd row at neck edge, inc 1 st 3 times. Join back and front and work even for 4 ½’’. Dec 18 sts at ea edge. To shape sleeve, every 2nd row, dec 1 st at ea edge until work measures 24’’ join.

Just when I’ve gotten comfortable with “meas” for “measures”, they hit me with the whole word.

Good patterns like to keep you off balance like that. Every sentence is a new adventure, a new mystery.

For instance, what exactly does “dec 1 st at ea edge until work measures 24’’ join” mean? 24’’ from what? Join to what? It’s all so exciting!

At the same time, when work meas 6 ½’’ from neck, end 2nd stripe, when work meas 12 ½’’ from neck end 3rd stripe, when work meas 18 ½’’ from neck end 4th stripe, when work measures 24’’ from join…

Ah, they meant 24’’ from join. Those little prepositions are so important.

… sec 17 sts evenly spaced across next row. Change to size 5.00 needles and work 2 ½’’ in k1 P1 ribbing. Bind off.

No, that’s not “secure 17 sts”, although that’s how I first read it, too. It’s just “dec 17 sts” with an s substituted for d to keep things lively.

Finishing: Join sleeve and sid seams.

Abbreviations can be taken too far, however. Would it really have been so hard to write “side”?

With size 5.00 circular needles…

It's so considerate of the pattern designers not to mention circular needles in the materials list. For good health, you need to break up knitting sessions with exercise like running unexpected errands or tearing your hair out.

…and col A, pick up approx 72 sts around bottom border and work 3’’ in ks P2 ribbing. Bind off. With size 5.00 circular needles and col A pick up approx 36 sts around neck edge at work 1’’ in garter st. (k all rows). Bind off.

Pick up approx 36 sts around neck edge at… At what? What??

Oh well, at least the handy ABBREVIATIONS key will be helpful in figuring out all the “ea”s and “col”s and “meas”s.

ABBREVIATIONS: no. – numéro, pt – point, env – envers, endr – endroit, rep – répéter, m – mailles, rg (s) – rang (s), trav – travailler, term – terminer, aug – augmenter, ch – chaque, proch – prochain, comm – commencer, gl – glisser, rab – rabattre, cont – continuer, rel – relever, aig – aiguille, dim – diminuer.

Unless, for no apparent reason, the ABBREVIATIONS are provided in French.

NOTE: Be sure to buy sufficient yarn of each colour in the same dye lot number to complete the article.

The directions in this leaflet are carefully checked and rechecked to assure accuracy.

Yes, that’s assure accuracy. Because Laine Dor definitely didn’t check to ensure accuracy.

We cannot, however, be responsible for typographical errors or misinterpretations of instructions.

If by some chance our many typographical errors lead to a misinterpretation of the instructions, it’s your fault, not ours.

With this dedication to customer service, it’s shocking that Laine Dor’s still not around. Oh well, at least I’ll always have this misshapen, incorrectly striped sweater to remember them by.

Happy Sweater Day!

Click here for the printable pattern.


Read more!

The Belle Tolls for Thee

Sweet and Low Sweater from Gay Teen Ideas, 1944

Sweet and Low Perfectly dee-vine dancing partner. Rings the Belle every time and keeps ‘em coming back for more.

Rings the BELLE?

My goodness, is that code for naughty1940s nookie? It sure was by 1979!

Glamour-minded rugcutters please note the definitely P.M. neck-line, low and square; the come hitherish black velvet ribbons here, there and everywhere.

Come hither to my waist, collar and sleeves, but no higher and most definitely no lower! A proper young lady reserves all belle and bell ringing to the third date.

Make it in cherry and whee, what a flutter you raise at your next party.

“Golly gee whiz, Dick. I don’t know why no one else showed up. I guess you’re my only guest. Let’s put a record on!”

“Donna, I really want to go home.”

“Don’t be silly! I’ve dead bolted all the doors, cut the phone lines and dynamited the only bridge off this property. So, do you like my sweater? I knitted it myself!”

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Hey, it looks like some other young ladies have launched a rescue mission to save poor Dick! Unfortunately, instead of arming themselves with the traditional torches and pitchforks, they’ve chosen bulrushes. Donna will make short work of them with just one Benny Goodman record.

Incidently, ringing your bell is also British slang for bashing someone’s brains in.

No. 2054

Materials: CHADWICK’S RED HEART WOOL FLOSS (2 ply), 5 balls (1 oz. balls) for Size 12; 6 balls for Size 14; 7 balls for Size 16.
Bone Knitting Pins, 1 pair No. 3.

Because nothing knits the crazy into a garment like real BONE needles.

Donna hand-carved them herself after a night of particularly unsatisfying bell ringing.

8 yards of narrow velvet ribbon for each size.
Buttons – see Directions of Right Back.

Wait, why can’t you just tell us now? Why all the suspense? It’s a knitting pattern, for heaven’s sake, not a murder mystery.

Not yet, anyway.

Snap fasteners.

BLOCKING MEASUREMENTS:

SIZES: 12 (14, 16)

Bust: 31 (33, 35)’’
Width across front at armholes: 16 (17, 18)’’
Width across front between armholes: 12 (12 ½, 13)’’

Pay attention! The AT armholes measurement is four to five inches wider than the BETWEEN armholes measurement.

An extra four to five inches is essential to successful bell ringing.

Length from top of shoulder: 18 (18 ½, 19)’’
Length of side seam: 10 (10 ½, 10 ½)’’
Width across each back at armhole: 7 ¾ (8 ¼, 8 ¾)’’
Width across each back above armhole shaping: 6 ½ (6 ¾, 7)’’
Width of sleeve at upper arm: 12 (12, 13)’’

I have no idea why we’re doing all this measuring. After all, this sweater hangs off Donna like a potato sack giving her all the sex appeal of a mashed potato.

If only she’d used a different pattern, Donna wouldn’t have needed to lock Dick up in her LP love den.

GAUGE: 7 sts make 1 inch; 10 rows make 1 inch.

SIZES: 12 (14, 16)

FRONT . . . Starting at waistband, cast on 95 (100, 105) sts.
1st and 2nd rows: P across. 3rd row: *K 3, k 2 tog, 0. Repeat from * across, ending with K 5. 4th row: P across. Repeat these 4 rows 2 more times (3 rows of eyelets made). Now work in stockinette st (k 1 row, p 1 row), increasing 1 st at both ends of next row and on 1 row every inch thereafter until there are on needle 111 (118, 125) sts. Work straight until piece measures in all 10 (10 ½, 10 ½)’’.
To Shape Armholes: Bind off 4 sts at beginning of each of the next 2 rows and 2 sts at beginning of following 6 rows. Dec 1 st at end of each row until there remain on needle 85 (90, 95) sts. With right side facing, repeat 1st to 4th rows incl of waistband 3 times (3 rows of eyelets made). Work in stockinette st and continue. Next row: Work across 28 (30, 32) sts. Bind off (purling the sts) for front of neck, the next 29 (30, 31) sts. Work across remaining 28 (30, 32) sts. Work straight over this last set of sts only until piece measures from 1st row of armhole shaping 7 (7, 7 ½)’’.
To Shape Shoulder: Starting at armhole edge, bind off 6 sts on every other row until there remain 4 (6, 8) sts. Starting at same edge, bind off. Attach arm at opposite side of neck edge and work other side to correspond.

Now for the pièce de résistance... this sweater buttons down the back. How fantastically “come-hitherish”! After all, Donna can’t get out of her own sweater by herself.

Come to think of it, she can’t put it on by her lonesome either. She must have a man-servant chained in the basement for such troublesome tasks.

LEFT BACK . . . Starting at waistband, cast on 45 (50, 55) sts. Work same as Front until the 12 rows of waistband are complete. Next row: K across. Following row: P across to last 6 sts, k 6 (center back band). Continue in stockinette st, keeping the 6 sts of back band in garter st (k each row), increasing 1 st at side edge on next row and every 9th row thereafter until there are on needle 54 (58, 62) sts. Work straight until piece measures in all 10 (10 ½, 10 ½)’’.
To Shape Armholes: Starting at side edge, bind off 5 sts once. Then dec 1 st at armhole edge on every other row until there remain 45 (47, 49) sts. Work straight until piece measures from 1st row of armhole shaping 7 (7, 7 ½)’’.
To Shape Shoulder: Starting at armhole edge bind off 6 sts on every other row 4 times. Starting at same edge, bind off 4 (6, 8) sts. Starting at same edge, bind off remaining 17 sts for back of neck.

Hurray! We’ve finally arrived at the Right Back, and the top secret number of buttons we need will be revealed...

RIGHT BACK . . . Work to correspond with Left Back, making a buttonhole 2 sts in from back edge when piece measures from last row of waistband 1 ( ½, 1)’’ and, measuring from 1st buttonhole, every inch thereafter until there are 16 (17, 17) buttonholes in all – to make a buttonhole, on one row bind off 2 sts and on next row cast on 2 sts to replace those bound off.

Well, that was a let down. Why on earth couldn’t they have just said in the materials list: 16 to 17 buttons? Why make us search through the pattern to learn that?

Although... buttons have also been used as slang for, ahem, a lady’s bell. Perhaps, this was a successful attempt to thwart the knitting pattern censors.

SLEEVES . . . Starting at lower edge, cast on 85 (85, 90) sts. Work first 4 rows same as Front (1 row of eyelets made). Now work in stockinette st until piece measures in all 2 ½ (2 ½, 3)’’.
To Shape Top: Bind off 4 sts at beginning of each of the next 2 rows. Dec 1 st at both ends of every 3rd row until 69 sts remain.

Heh. They said 69!

Dec 1 st at end of each row until 55 sts remain. Bind off 3 sts at beginning of each row until 19 sts remain. Bind off.

Press pieces through damp cloth. Sew underarm and shoulder seams. Sew sleeve seams and sew sleeves in. Cut two 23-inch pieces of ribbon and run through eyelets of sleeve. Tie ends in bows. Cut three 27-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack one end of each piece to wrong side of Right Back at beginning of each row of eyelets at waist. Run these pieces of ribbon in and out of eyelets to desired position on left side of Front. Cut three 20-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack one end of each piece to wrong side of Left Back at beginning of each row of eyelets at waist. Run ribbon through eyelets to meet previous ribbons. Tie ends in bows. Cut three 20-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack ends at armhole edge on wrong side of Right Front eyelets. Run ribbon through eyelets to position above waist bows. Cut three 12-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack on wrong side of Left Front eyelets. Run ribbon through eyelets to meet previous ribbons. Tie ends in bows. Sew on buttons to correspond with buttonholes. Sew snap fasteners to close waistband at back. Work a row of sc along entire neck edge.

If you’re wondering how Donna intends this evening to draw to a close, just take a look at the page facing the Sweet and Low Sweater pattern.

By the way, S is the first initial of Dick’s last name, not Donna’s.

“See, Dick? We absolutely, positively must get married! I’ve already monogrammed everything in the house!”

In desperation, Dick threw himself out the window and made a run for it. He might have made it too, if it hadn’t been for the monogrammed land mines.

Not the Happy Ending Donna had in mind for her Dick. But on the bright side, she did get enough material for a brand new set of bone needles.

Click here for the printable pattern.
Read more!

I’m Too Sexy for My Squares!

The Ripple Granny Jacket and Hat from Crochet with Squares, 1974

With apologies to Right Said Fred… whaddaya mean, who’s Right Said Fred?!



I’m too sexy for my followers, too sexy for my followers
Please, followers don’t leave me!

I’m too sexy for my jacket, too sexy for my jacket
So sexy I can’t hack it
I’m too sexy for the ski lodge, too sexy for the ski lodge
Bates Motel or Econo Lodge

And I’m too sexy for this post
Too sexy for this post
No way I’m ceasing and desisting!

I’m a granny square model, you know what I mean
I’d give my eye teeth to do a turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk
I’d kill my grandma to shake my tush on the catwalk

I’m too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat
There’s no denying that
And I'm too sexy to crochet, too sexy to crochet
I’d rather wear a toupee!

Cos I’m a granny square model, with grannies I’m seen
As I model in Wallmart instead of a catwalk
Oh, in Wallmart, in Wallmart
I got arrested for shaking my little tush in Wallmart.

I’m too sexy for Blogger, too sexy for Blogger
Twitter, Facebook and Blogher
I’m too sexy for my followers, too sexy for my followers
My followers are all going to leave me!

I’m too sexy for this blog.

For the complete too sexy pattern (and more too sexy snark):

THE RIPPLE GRANNY

I suppose those are ripples of granny squares, if by ripples you mean jagged clumps of potholders.

Sorry, I meant sexy, jagged clumps of sexy potholders.

SIZES: 10-12; 14-16 Directions are given for size 10-12. Changes for 14-16 are given in parentheses (for Jacket). Directions for hat in one size, it adjusts to fit.

MATERIALS NEEDED:

4 ply Synthetic yarn or Knitting Worsted (4 oz. skeins)
6 (7) skeins Color 1 (Royal Blue)
2 (3) skeins Color 2 (Green)
1 (2) skeins Color 3 (White)
1 (1) skeins each Color 4 (Yellow) and Color 5 (Red) or any 5 color combination may be substituted.
G (G) Aluminum or #6 (6) Plastic Crochet Hook for Squares and
F (F) Aluminum or #5 (5) Plastic Crochet Hook for Collar and Bands.

I hope I don’t have to warn you of the dire consequences should you attempt this pattern with a non-synthetic, organic yarn and a bamboo hook.

Remember this pattern booklet is called Crochet with Squares, not Crochet with Hippy-Dippy Tree Huggers.

JACKET (Size 10-12)
GAUGE: Each square measures 3½”.

SQUARE #1: Make 59
RND 1: With Color 1 (Royal Blue) and large hook ch 4, sl st in 4th st from hook to form a ring, ch 3, 2 dc in ring, * ch 3, 3 dc in ring, rep from * twice, ch 3, sl st in top of ch 3 to join.
RND 2: Ch 3, * (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop (corner shell), rep from * twice, (3 dc, ch 3, 2 dc) in last ch 3 loop, sl st in top of ch 3 to join (ch 3 at beg of row counts as 1 dc).
RND 3: Ch 3, 2 dc in space between ch 3 and next 3 dc group, * (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, 3 dc in next space between 3 dc loop, sl st in top of ch 3 to join, break off.

Perhaps a better name for this pattern booklet would be Crochet with Brackets, or Crochet with 3 dc. Crochet Yourself into a Coma would be cruel, but fair.

SQUARE #2: Make 34
RND 1: With Color 5 (Red) same as RND 1 of SQUARE #1, break off.
RND 2: Join Color 4 (Yellow) with sl st in 1st ch 3 loop, ch 3, (2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same loop with sl st, * (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, rep from * around, sl st in top of ch 3 to join, break off.
RND 3: Join Color 2 (Green) with sl st in 1st ch 3 loop, ch 3, (2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same loop as sl st, * 3 dc in space between next two 3 dc groups, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, rep from * around, end with 3 dc in space between last two 3 dc groups, sl st in top of ch 3 to join, break off.

SQUARE #3: Make 29
RND 1: Same as RND 1 of SQUARE #2.
RND 2: Use Color 2 (Green), work same as RND 2 of SQUARE #2.
RND 3: Use Color 3 (White), work same as RND 3 of SQUARE #2.

Thou shalt not make this pattern more interesting by altering the order of these holy SQUARES! First, thou shalt create all 56 of SQUARE #1. Thou shalt not crochet 29 of SQUARE #3, excepting that you have already completed 34 of SQUARE #2.

Making up your own SQUARE #5 is right out.

TRIANGLE #1: Make 24
ROW 1: With Color 1 (Blue) ch 4, sl st in 4th st from hook to form ring, ch 4, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in ring, work 1 tr in ring.
ROW 2: Ch 4, turn, 2 dc in first tr, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, skip next 3 dc, work 2 dc and 1 tr in top of turning ch 4.
ROW 3: Ch 4, turn, 2 dc in first tr, skip next 2 dc and next 3 dc group, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in ch 3 loop, skip 3 dc, 3 dc in space before last 2 dc, 2 dc and 1 tr in top of turning ch 4, break off.

TRIANGLE #1? But this is Crochet with Squares! Using TRIANGLES to fabricate a Ripple Granny Jacket is CHEATING!

Remember, one does not CHEAT in crochet! One uses crochet to punish cheaters.

TRIANGLE #2: Make 2.
ROW 1: With Color 5 (Red) same as Row 1 of TRIANGLE #1, break off.
ROW 2: Turn, join Color 4 (Yellow) with sl st in 1st tr, ch 4 complete same as ROW 2, TRIANGLE #1, break off.
ROW 3: Turn, join Color 2 (Green) with sl st in 1st tr, ch 4, complete same as Row 3, TRIANGLE #1, break off.

UNDERARM MOTIF: (5 corners). Make 2.

Why yes, my underarm is pentagon-shaped. Isn’t yours?

RND 1: With Color 5 (Red), ch 4, sl st in 4th st. from hook to form ring, ch 3, 2 dc in ring, * ch 3, 3 dc in ring, rep from * 3 times, ch 3, join with sl st in top of ch 3, break off.
RNDS 2 and 3: Work in same manner as Square #2, but having 5 corners, break off.

BLOCKING: Block all motifs to size. See page 49.

Turn to page 49, class.

Apparently, blocking is the application of an iron-on patch onto a side of beef pinned to a candy stripers uniform.

That’s candy stripers not candy strippers! Get your minds out of the gutters, people.

BLOCKING: Place crocheted square right side down on well padded surface. Pin each square or article to size given with each design. Cover with damp cloth, steam (do not press). When two pieces have the same measurements, pine one piece down and block. Place reverse piece on top (right side up), and block. All pieces to dry completely before removing pins.

That procedure may work for the first couple of squares, but once you have a pile of 122 of the same sized squares, you’re going to need a bigger iron. And a super-sized side of beef.

Now everyone turn back to page 40 of the text book.

JOINING: Weave Squares together following directions on page 49.

Page 49 AGAIN!

All right, if I must.

Let me guess. Either your joining will create a legion of synthetic yarn ridges inside the jacket to rub against your skin until you’re driven mad (option A) or the outside of the jacket will look like Dr. Frankenstein embroidered it (option B).

Decisions, decisions.

JOINING SQUARES:

A With tapestry needle and same yarn as last rnd overcast edges of both squares from one ch 3 loop to next, or from one corner sc to next corner sc.
B Butt 2 motifs together, bring needle up through center of corner st of 1st motif, down through corner st of 2nd motif, * up through next st of same motif, down through same st of 1st motif and up through next st of same motif, down through same st of 2nd motif, rep from * until joining is completed.

Class, stop sniggering just because they said Butt! Now everyone back to page 40.

Join Jacket in 3 sections as shown on charts.

After having crocheted and ironed 122 squares, 26 triangles and 2 underarm motifs, feel free to delegate the stitching together of all 150 pieces to the kids.

If they complain, remind them that this isn’t illegal child labour as you’re not going to be paying them. No, this is family game night.

Follow chart for color arrangement of motifs 1, 2, and 3. Join shoulders matching P’s and Q’s. Use different colors of yarn for markers for letters I through O placing where indicated on chart (on sleeves and armhole openings). Join sleeve seams matching letters A through H. Matching yarn colors place sleeve in position and weave in place.

COLLAR AND BORDER:
(For both sizes) (Collar and bands are worked in one piece and all sc’s are worked in back loop of stitches only)
Row 1: (Starting at center back) With Color 1 and small size crochet hook, ch 5, 1 sc in 2nd st from hook, I sc in each of next 3 ch sts, (4 sc in row).
Row 2: Ch 1, turn, 1 dc in each sc across. Repeat last row until 164 (180) rows are completed.

C’mon, it’s only 180 rows! I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, people. There is NO crying in crochet!

There is, however, repetitive stress injury in crochet.

START COLLAR SHAPING:
Row 1: (Inc. Row) ch 1, turn, 1 sc in each sc, 2 sc in last sc.
Row 2: Ch 1, turn, 1 sc in each sc across. Repeat last 2 rows until there are 14 sc in row.
Row 21: Repeat row 1 of Collar shaping.
Row 22: Ch 1, turn, 2 sc in first sc, 1 sc in each rem sc.
Rows 23 and 24: Repeat Rows 1 and 2 of Collar shaping. Repeat last 4 rows until there are 35 sc in row. Work without increasing over 35 sc until there are 262 (274) rows in all, break off.
This is ½ of Collar and Border measuring from center back of lower edge of neck. Make other half in same manner. Join the 2 sections at center back of border and collar.

If you incur repetitive stress injury from making the second half of the Collar and Border, write to Graphic Enterprises Inc, the holder of this pattern’s copyright back in 1974. Unfortunately, they didn’t provide an address, but I’m certain that one of the 33,800,000 hits their company’s name got from Google will be the correct place.

Good luck!

CUFFS: Make 2. Ch 21, work same as Row 1 and 2 of collar (20 sc in row) until there are 60 (63) rows, break off. Join 2 short ends to form tube.

BELT: Ch 9, work back and forth in single crochet same as cuff until there are 218 (230) rows or until belt is desired length, break off.

Such a prosaic belt just won’t do justice to the patchwork masterpiece your family made together.

This vintage belt, on the other hand, will add a certain je ne sais quoi.

No, je ne sais quoi is not French for WTF.

FINISHING: With right sides together, place and stitch collar and border to outside edge of jacket, matching center back of collar to center of neck, center back of border to center back of lower edge of jacket, making sure increased edge of collar is attached to jacket edge.
JACKET (Size 14-16)

There is NO crying in pattern transcription.

*wimper*

GAUGE: Each square measures 4”.
Jacket is made same as Size 10-12—But do not break yarn at end of last RND or ROW of Motifs.

SQUARES:
RND 4: Ch 1, 1 sc in same st with sl st, work (1 sc in each dc, 5 sc in each corner ch 3 loop) around, join with sl st, break off.

TRIANGLES:
ROW 4: Ch 1, turn, 1 sc in first tr, 1 sc in each dc up to ch 3 corner loop, 5 sc in ch 3 loop, 1 sc in each rem dc, 1 sc in top of turning ch 4, break off.

BLOCKING, JOINING, FINISHING:
Work same as Size 10-12.
DIRECTIONS For Collar and Border are given in parenthesis with directions for Size 10-12.

That wasn’t so bad. So we’re finally done now, right?

HAT

AUUUUUGGGGHHHH!

Work 8 Squares #2 and 4 Triangles #1 same as Size 10-12 jacket.

BLOCKING: Same as Size 10-12 jacket.

JOINING: Weave squares together same as jacket joining 4 squares together for crown. Matching letters, join the 4 squares #2 to center Squares, then fit Triangles between Squares. Stitch Triangles in place. See chart.

That’s a hat? It looks like a crocheted pinwheel.

So, instead of stitching it together to form an ugly hat, you could create your own low tech wind farm!

BRIM: Using large crochet hook, join Color 1 (Blue) with an sc in end st of a dc row, work 2 more sc over same end st, work (3 sc over end sts of each dc row, skipping all joinings and ch 4 rings at beg of each triangle) around, join, (72 sc).

NOTE: The entire brim is worked in back loop of each sc.

MORE IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTE: Do not wear completed granny square hat in the kitchen. Someone may try using your head to get a roast out of the oven.

RND 2: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, * 1 sc in each of next 5 sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * around, join in 1st sc (84 sc).
RND 3: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, * I sc in each of the next 6 sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * around, join (96 sc).
RNDS 4 and 5: Ch 1, turn, I sc in in each sc all around, join each round.
RND 6: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, * 1 sc in each of the next 7 sc, 2 sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * all around join (108 sc).
RNDS 7 and 8: Same as RNDS 4 and 5.
RND 9: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, *1 sc in each of the next 8 sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * around, join (120 sc).
RNDS 10 through 13: Work RNDS 4 and 5 twice, break off.

At last, you’re ready to shake your granny-squared tush on the catwalk!

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Stag Party!

Ah, the sweater girl! What could be sexier? The phrase brings to mind Lana Turner breaking the hearts of all seven of her husbands in her sultry knits. Or Jane Russell’s famous bust bursting at the seams of a sweater that didn’t keep her warm, but sure heated up the fellas!

And then there’s this poor woman...

Date Bait sweater from Newlands, Vol. Seven, Book Twelve, 1948

Eloise couldn’t help thinking that there must be a better way for an attractive single spinster to snare a man than outfitting herself in a stag-festooned sweater. True, time was running out as she was no longer a spring chicken, but dressing up as Date Bait smacked of desperation.

All evening she’d heard nothing but one joke after another about “going stag” and having a “sizeable rack”. She spent hours into knitting this sweater, and was it worth it? Sure, the menfolk are paying attention to her, but they weren’t buying her drinks.

And God, she needed a drink!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

The Date Bait sweater comes in a range of sizes, but it’s best to err on the side of too small. Saggy, baggy sweaters will not transform you into tasty man-bait!

Click on the graph to see it larger.

DAIT BAIT – No. 1270 – Size 34

Yes, that’s what it says in the book: “Dait Bait”. Newlands couldn’t be bothered editing this page, because any woman desperate enough to label herself “Date Bait” wasn’t going to complain if she suddenly morphed into a typo.

Whatever it takes to get a man!

MATERIALS REQUIRED: 8 oz. light rose, 5 yds. navy 3 ply Dawn Glo Yarn, 2 No. 10 needles, 2 No. 11 needles, set of 4 No. 11 needles.

Tension: 8 sts – 1 inch. 10 rows – 1 inch (No. 10 needles).

PATTERN: Stocking stitch – Duplicate stitch.

Neck: Using set of No. 11 needles, starting at neck edge, left shoulder, pick up 14 sts. K 36 sts from stitch holder in front, pick up 14 sts right neck edge, K 52 sts from back st. holder (116 sts). Rib K1, P1, for 1’’. Bind off loosely in ribbing.

All done! Now slip it on and set your sight on the nearest eligible stag man. Remember, there’s nothing like a hand-knitted sweater to scream “marry me!” at every male in the room.

Once you’ve got a member of the opposite sex on your hook, land him as soon as possible by knitting him a matching sweater of his own. Not only will the whole world know that you now own him, your hand knit sweater is guaranteed to keep him by your side forever.

What do you mean there should be more to the Date Bait pattern? Go look at the graph!

Sheesh, no wonder you’re still single.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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You Better Watch Out...

Large Santa Claus from “YOU asked for these”, Star Book No. 208, c. 1965

You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I’m telling you why...

Because not only is Santa Claus coming to town, he’s bringing what YOU asked for!

Yes, YOU asked for a shapeless granny square pullover. YOU asked for a useless doily for your disco dancing cherub. And, since you’re a sucker for punishment, YOU also asked for a “Large Santa”.

Clearly, YOU should be a lot more careful what you ask for.

Boy, Large Santa sure looks cranky. It’ll take a lot more than an offering of milk and cookies to placate him. Maybe next time you’ll remember that Kris Kringle prefers the nickname Big-Boned Santa.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Yikes, never mind cranky! Large Santa’s come to life and he’s out for vengeance!

So what if he’s only 18 inches tall and made of yarn? Just look at that murderous expression, and remember, he knows when you’re sleeping...

Large Santa Claus

Materials Required:
AMERICAN THREAD
“AUNT LYDIA’S” HEAVY RUG YARN
7 – 70 yd. skeins Red.
1 – 70 yd. skein White
3 Black Buttons
1/3 yd. Red Felt

This year, instead of dreaming of sugarplums, your children will be lying awake in terror, listening for the sound of woolly feet stomping across the floor.

BODY: Wind 5 skeins of Red over an 18 inch cardboard, tie with a double strand of yarn at one end for top of head. Tie tightly about 3 ½ inches from top of head for neck. Divide remaining yarn in half for legs and tie each section about 2 inches from each end. Cut and trim for feet.

ARMS: Wind 2 skeins of Red over a 14 inch cardboard, tie 2 inches from each end for hands, then tie each side about 3 ½ inches from each hand tying for shoulders, insert through center of body. Tie about 5 inches from neck for waist. Cut and trim for hands.

Sew buttons in place for eyes and nose.

Don’t let Santa’s jolly old elf act fool you – he’s as judgmental as he is jolly. And if you’ve been very naughty, he’ll deliver those lumps of coals with a twelve gauge shotgun!

HAT: Cut a triangle 16 ½ x 14 ½ x 14 ½ inches of Red felt. Fold and seam the two 14 ½-inch edges tog for back seam. Turn about ½ inch under and tack in position to head. Finish with a pompon.

POMPONS: Wind White 40 times over a 2 inch cardboard, slip off cardboard, tie in center, cut both ends, trim into shape. Attach to top of hat. Work 2 more pompons, and attach in place for buttons.

This Large Santa doll will reinforce the lesson that children should always approach any Santa with extreme caution. After all, according to the Mayan calendar, every 1,000 years Santa completely loses his Christmas cheer.

WHISKERS: With White work a 7 inch ch. Cut yarn into 6 inch lengths. Fold 4 lengths in half and knot through each ch. Bush slightly and trim.

MUSTACHE: Cut 10 strands 10 inches long. Tie in center. Sew in place. Brush and tirm..

EYEBROWS: Take 4 strands 1 ½ inches. Tie in center. Open strands. Glue in place.

Make those eyebrows extra bushy, to enhance Large Santa’s glare. Then prop up the completed toy beside your children’s bedside, as a reminder that they better be good... or else St. Nick will take them to his North Pole Sweatshop where stunted, malnourished children (AKA elves) work non-stop making toys for better-behaved girls and boys.

You asked for it, kid!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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