Happy Halloween!

Halloween Apron from Coats & Clark’s Edgings Book No. 305, 1954

At last the truth is revealed! Halloween isn’t about eating candy until you puke, or watching scary movies involving an excessive amount of projectile vomiting. Halloween is all about preserving your femininity.

So, there’s no better way to celebrate Halloween than to don a ladylike apron you made with your very own little ladylike hands. However, don’t confess your plans ahead of time to your husband, or he may try to persuade you to make a sexy French Maid apron instead! Men just don’t understand that only fallen women oppressed by the Patriarchy wear French Maid costumes.

Unlike the poor, downtrodden woman pictured above, you are no victim of depraved male fantasies. Your Halloween apron will celebrate radical feminism! It will proclaim a liberated woman’s inalienable right to choose … to spend Halloween in the kitchen!

Besides your new apron will come in real handy once the inevitable Halloween barfing begins.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

How to Make Aprons

Each apron requires 1 yard of organdy, 36 inches wide, and 1 spool of Coats and Clark’s Mercerized Sewing Thread, Art. C. 3, in a matching color. Aprons are made identically: Cut a piece of organdy 12 ½ x 36 inches and roll a ¼ inch hem around three sides. Slip stitch hem. Cut a piece of organdy 6 ½ x 15 ½ inches for waistband. Cut two pieces of organdy 6 x 36 inches for ties, roll and sew a ¼ inch hem around three sides. Gather top of apron to measure 15 inches. Fold waistband in half lengthwise, turn in ¼ inch hem on raw edges and sew across top of apron.

Gather raw ends of ties to measure 3 inches, insert in ends of waistband and sew in place.

I’m actually hopeless at sewing, so I won’t tell if you sneak off to Wall-Mart and buy a pre-made apron. Or if you’re low on cash, just mug a Wall-Mart greeter for their vest.

Wall-Mart vests make great Halloween costumes.

Just don't try this right after a snowstorm!

Halloween Apron: Appliqué hats and 1 strip of felt ¼ x 4 ¼ inches for handle of broom. Use bugle beads for bristles and decorate hats with sequins.

Sadly, bugle beads are long tube-shaped beads, not Mardi Gras beads you get from flashing boogie woogie bugle boys.

This picture is provided just in case you don't know what a witch's hat looks like. You wouldn't want to accidentally applique top hats all over your apron instead.

I'm not sure what this apron means ("I cook with style"? "I killed Fred Astaire and served him for dinner"?), but I do know it definitely doesn't say, "Happy Halloween"!

Halloween Apron Edging . . . S-532

COATS & CLARK’S O>N>T> TATTING-CROCHET, Art. C. 21, Size 70: 3 balls of No. 12 Black.

Milwards Steel Crochet Hook No. 14.

Orange organdy apron.

Make a chain 6 inches longer than outer edge of apron. 1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, * ch 5, skip next 2 ch, sc in next ch. Repeat from * across until piece measures 4 inches longer than outer edge of apron, having number of loops divisible by 8 and 7 more at end of row.

Show your kids this pattern to prove they will have to use math in every day life.

Better yet, have them make the apron for you. It's educational! And then no one will ever have to know that you can't divide correctly by eight.

Ch 3, turn. 2nd row: * Draw loop on hook out to measure ¼ inch, thread over and draw loop through, insert hook between single and double loops and draw a loop through, thread over and draw through two loops on hook, (knot st made), sc in next loop. Repeat from * across, ending with sc in last loop, dc in last sc. Ch 3, turn. 3rd row: * (Make a knot st, sc under double loop of next knot st) 7 times; ch 3, make 9 dc under double loop of next knot st (shell made), ch 3, sc under double loop of next knot st. Repeat from * across, ending with sc in last knot st, dc in top of turning chain. Ch 3, turn. 4th row: * Make a knot st, ** sc in next knot st. Repeat from * across, ending with sc in knot st preceeding next shell; make a knot st, sc in center dc of shell, make a knot st, sc in next ch-3 loop, make a knot st. Repeat from ** across, ending with sc in last knot st, dc in top of turning chain. Ch 3, turn.

The insistence on repeating from * or ** across leads me to believe there will be dire consequences if you attempt to repeat up-and-down.

Of course, if you read this Halloween pattern backwards, you will discover the hidden satanic messages.

5th row: (Make a knot st, sc in next knot st) 3 times; * ch 3, make a shell in next knot st, ch 3, sc in next knot st, (make a knot st, sc in next knot st) 7 times. Repeat from * across, ending with sc in last knot st, dc in top of turning chain. Ch 3, turn. 6th row: Work as for 4th row. 7th row: Work as for 3rd row. 8th row: Work as for 4th row, ch 5 at end of row. 9th row: * Sc in next knot st, ch 5. Repeat from * across. Ch 1, turn. 10th row: Sl st in first loop, sc in same loop, * make 2 knot sts, sc in next loop. Repeat from * across. Ch 5, turn. 11th row: Sc in center of first knot st loop, * ch 5, sc in center of next knot st loop. Repeat from * across. Break off. Sew edging neatly in place, gathering 2 inches at each corner.

And naturally, there are also dire consequences to NOT sewing edging neatly!

Like… um… social stigma? That’s right! Just think of the horrible shame you will feel if you’re seen in public wearing a slovenly Halloween apron. Nothing could be more humiliating!

Oh dear.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Happy Halloween AKA a Taste of ClownFests to Come!

Clown Mask from Crochet World, Special Issue No. 6, 1984

“Awww... what a cute kitty. And who’s that holding the Trick-or-treat bag?

Oh my god! KILL IT! Kill the EVIL CLOWN!

Oh wait, it’s just Justin. Sorry kid, I didn’t mean to bludgeon you with my broom. Just take that darn mask off. It’s not safe. The next person who sees you might grab a shotgun, and then you’ll have a lot more to cry over than a concussion.

Next time, trust your instincts and go be Superman in your Underoos instead.”

Clearly, Justin’s crafty mother has decided she wants him dead. After all, we all know that clowns are the most terrifyingly loathsome creatures in all of Halloween lore.

You think I’m exaggerating?

Consider the horrifying evidence...

For the complete pattern (and more snark):

CLOWM MASK
By Joy M. Nore

Don’t let the name of the pattern designer fool you! Her name may look like “More Joy” but that’s just an evil plan to lull you into a false sense of security.

MATERIALS:
Worsted weight yarn: 2 ozs white, 1 oz black, 1 oz red
Crochet hook size G
½’’ wide elastic

MASK
With white, ch 31.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 6: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.

EYEHOLES:

Be sure to make the eye holes as small as possible. You don’t want your child accidentally glimpsing themselves in a mirror.

Charlie Chaplin glimpsed himself in the dressing room mirror while making his 1952 film “Limelight” and was immediately possessed by the spirit of a murderous clown. In fact, that was the real reason his American visa was revoked and he was barred from re-entering the U.S.A.. The story about his alleged “communist sympathies” was just a cover, designed to prevent mass panic in the face of a Charlie Chaplin clown on a killing spree.

Yes, clowns are scarier than communists. They’re THAT scary.

ROWS 7 – 9: Sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn. Fasten off.
Sk 4 st on Row 6, join in next st, ch 1, sc in same place, sc in next 5 st, ch 1, turn.
Work 2 more rows on these st in sc, ch 1, turn each row. Fasten off.
Sk next 4 st, join in next sc, ch 1, sc in same place, sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn.
Work 2 more rows on these st in sc, ch 1, turn each row.
ROW 10: Sc in next 8 st, ch 4, sc in next 6 st, ch 4, sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn. Eyeholes completed.
ROWS 11 & 12: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 13: (1st Point) Sc in 1st 14 st, sl st in next st.

Justin’s clown mask comes complete with demonic horns. Clearly, it was inspired by the Sparr Fruit Co. Clown Brand advertising campaign:

Buy Sparr Fruit, or the Sparr Fruit Clown will come to your house and slice you open with his pointy hair and eat your heart, all the while giggling maniacally.

It was a surprisingly effective campaign.

ROW 14: Sl st in 1st st, sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. (13 st)
ROWS 15 – 20: Sc in each st across to sl st; sl st or ch 1, at same end of each row, having 1 less st in each row. (7 sc in Row 20)
ROW 21: Sl st in 1st st, sc in next 4 st, sk 1 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 22: Sc in next 2 st, sl st in next st. Fasten off.
Second Point: Join yarn in next st on Row 13. Rep Rows 13 – 22, reversing shaping.

EYE DIAMONDS:

The eye diamonds are more proof that Justin’s mother wants him dead. After all, if Justin’s vision is completely obscured by his mask, he’s likely to wander into the street and get mowed down by a car.

With black, ch 2.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, ch 1, turn.
ROW 2: 2 sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 3: 2 sc in 1st st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 4: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 5: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in next 2 st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 6: Sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 7 – 9: (EYEHOLES) Sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn. Fasten off after Row 9. At the other end of Row 6, join yarn in 5th st, Rep Row 6: 4 times.
Do not Fasten off.
ROW 10: Sc in 1st st, ch 4, sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 11: Sc in each st and ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 12: Sk 1st st, sc in next 4 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 13: Sl st in 1st st, sc in next 2 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 14: Sc in next 2 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 15: Dec over next 2 st. Fasten off, leaving length for sewing. Sew in place.

NOSE: Make 2’’ pompon with red yarn. Sew as shown in photograph.

FINISHING: With black, sc all around Mask, putting 2 sc in each corner. With red yarn, make straight st outward from Eyes. Cut elastic to fit around head; and sew on each side.

You might believe that being terrified of clowns is a modern phenomenon. Surely, you say, there was a far less sensible time when clowns were considered loveable. Why just look at this adorable little scamp in this vintage card!

Ignoring minor details such as that girl is far too young to be playing with fire let alone worrying about future lovers, the cat is clearly possessed by demons or it would have ripped that collar off, and the boy in the clown costume is so psychotic he’s just smashed his head through a mirror and has jagged shards of glass pointing right at his throat...

Where was I? Oh yes, ignoring all the above, the fact remains that this is just a drawing which in no way conveys the abiding horror of clowns throughout history.

Allow me to present Actual Photographic Evidence.

Some of these children are frozen in terror, while others, like the boy in the wheelchair, are resigned to their fate. The clown has them all in his corpse-white grasp, and there’s no escape. Maybe, thinks the littlest one, we’ll be allowed to live and get to be his evil minions. All I have to do is kill the photographer to prove my loyalty.

He’s wrong, of course. It’s the little girl who gets to be the killer clown’s acolyte. Yes, that’s Justin’s mother, Joy!

So have a Happy Halloween! Steer clear of the sweet old lady next door who offers to crochet costumes for you, and watch out for clowns!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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Definitely Not a Treat

Trick or Treat Pumpkin from Crochet World Omnibook, Fall 1980

Longtime readers will recognize the squished jack o’ lantern on the far left as the Pumpkin of Halloween Past, Crocheted Jack o’ Lantern version 1.0 AKA Ms. Mushy. This year, we’ll be making the pumpkin in the middle, a crochet craft based on the legend of Stringy Jack!

Who’s that? C’mon, everybody knows about Stringy Jack. He was the first Irish basketball player whose long appendages and ability to dribble a carved turnip made that sport the third most popular in Ireland.

What do you mean it’s the legend of Stingy Jack? Don’t be ridiculous, why would an immortal Irishman with a turnip fetish need such long arms and legs? And just try to explain the existence of this photo without the legend of Stringy Jack!

Although, I suspect this is the love child of Stringy Jack and Ms. Mushy. Now, if you don’t believe your crochet skills are up to creating this work of art, don’t despair. This pumpkin treat is on sale now!**

As for the pumpkin on the far right of Ms. Mushy and Mr. Stringy, that’s none other than the Great Pumpkin himself. Of course, I’m not foolish enough to make a graven image of that Pumpkin of Halloween Future. Not after what happened to Linus.

**Handmade by Mother isn’t legally or morally responsible for any trauma caused by dealing with third party sites, including, but not limited to, getting exactly what you paid for.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!)

Grinning not included.

TRICK OR TREAT PUMPKIN
by Dolores Brown

MATERIALS: Plastic pumpkin (about 3-inch size); orange knitting worsted weight yarn; small amount of black yarn; ice pick and yarn needle;

Whoa Dolores – an ice pick?!

First, a bunny boiler, and now a fan of Basic Instinct. It’s shameful how the crafting world has become so morbid!

OMG, who’s the cutest zombie evah!

Ahem. I mean, shameful.

pompon maker (optional);

But the ice pick is not optional!

Then again, I’d kill for a good pompom maker.

size E crochet hook.

SIZE: Measures approx. 6” from top plastic pumpkin to feet.

Make arms and legs of orange yarn; leave about 8 inches of yarn at beginning and end.

ARMS: (Make 2.) With orange, chain 40. Make 3 dc in 3rd ch from hook and in each ch to end of row. End off. Coil and tack ending yarn to hold in place at top, then carry end through top of coil.

LEGS: (Make 2.) With orange, chain 60. Make 3 dc in 3rd ch from hook and in each ch to end of row. Finish off same as arms.

Make 2 holes with ice pick in each side for arms and 4 holes (2 each, near side) in bottom of pumpkin.

Before getting stab happy, you may wish to lay down lots of plastic sheeting to avoid leaving forensic evidence of your crime spree.

Run ends of yarns through holes and tie each arm and leg on inside. Clip excess yarn.

Make 4 small pompons using approximately 2 yds. for each of black yarn and attach to coils for hands and feet. Using 2 strands of black yarn crochet chain length desired and attach to top of pumpkin for handle.

Fill pumpkin with treats for your favorite ghost or goblin.

If I remember my Tolkien correctly, goblins like to eat hobbits. However, as Frodo Fricassee is an illegal dish in most parts of the world, maybe you should just serve up ghost treats.

Warning: eating Boo Berry cereal may result in sugar crashes, marshmallow migraines and Pantone 368 green poo.

If a much larger pumpkin is used the arms and legs could be made as follows:

That’s right, the obesity epidemic has hit pumpkins. And we all know why…

Pumpkin cannibalism!

Using size I crochet hook:
LEGS: (Make 2.) Chain 35.
Row 1: 2 dc in 2nd ch from hook and 3 dc in each st across, ch 2, turn.
Row 2: 3 hdc in each st across. Fasten off and twist to form legs.

ARMS: (Make 2.) Chain 19. Work same as legs.
Make medium-sized pompons for hands and feet.

Dolores, a “happily married housewife”…

Oh dear, those quotation marks around happily married housewife are troubling, given Dolores’ belief in mandatory ice picks. I hope for her husband’s sake that he never forgot their anniversary or her birthday.

…has three grown sons – one married, the other two still at home.

Oh ho, two failures to launch still mooching off Mom. Maybe the ice pick wasn’t to keep hubby in line, after all.

You’ll be doing your own laundry from now on, buckos!

She said that crochet is her favorite form of relaxation, but also enjoys needlepoint, counted cross-stitch, latch hook and a little quilting.

And don’t forget more than a little ice picking.

She is now learning how to tat.

But not with an ice pick. Dolores has since moved on to bigger and better weapons crafts.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Check under your Tires this Halloween!

Door Witch from Crochet World No. 6 Special Issue, 1984

Witch hunting is no longer in vogue, but witches are still not safe in the modern world. Every Halloween, thousands of witches tragically become roadkill. Yet no one wants to wear an orange ribbon to raise awareness of this sorceress slaughter!

The poor witch above, known only as Roadkilla #666, was clearly dragged for several miles by her nose. But was the driver Hansel arrested? Of course not! His sister Gretel told a sob story of being kidnapped by a cannibal witch in their youth, and suddenly Hansel’s the victim!

Handmade by Mother’s crack team of investigative journalists found it very suspicious that Hansel and Gretel threw around these accusations of nearly being eaten by a witch. Especially after they refused to explain the disappearance Roadkilla’s hands, and everyone knows that eating roadkill is legal in their home state of Tennessee.

After touring Oprah and all the talk shows, Hansel and Gretel settled down to make their fortune in Roadkill Bingo. Meanwhile, no one stepped forward to claim Roadkilla’s body, and months later her corpse was found stuffed and mounted on the office door of the Bates Motel. But thanks to the generosity of an anonymous donor, Roadkilla was finally given a delicious … I mean, decent burial.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

DOOR WITCH

By Debbie Randy

MATERIALS:
Worsted weight 4-ply yarn: 2 oz black, sm amt green and orange
Crochet hook size H
Cat eyes (15 mm)
Broom of choice

I don’t want to question Debbie’s artistic vision, but cat eyes for a witch? A black cat may agree to be your companion in magical mischief, but it won’t be your organ donor!

Trust me, I once listed my cat as my emergency contact, and it didn’t work out.

FACE
With green, ch 5.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 7: 2 sc in 1st st, sc across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 8 – 23: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. Fasten off.

The good news – this pattern is easy enough for a beginner!

NOSE
With green, ch 8.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 15: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. Fasten off at end of Row 15. Sew edge of Nose together (long edge). Sew one end to Row 11 of Face.

The bad news – this pattern will convince beginners that crocheting is the most boring thing to do on this planet. When, in truth, blogging holds that honour.

HAIR
With orange, cut 26 – 28” pieces of yarn. Attach 2 pieces at a time along top of Face. Cut the center 10 sts at Row 16.

Canadians should braid the orange hair, and insist that all trick-or-treating children tug on the braids, shouting, “Carrots!”

For those unfamiliar with Anne of Green Gables, she’s a beloved icon of Canadian children’s literature, who may or may not have been a puppy-killing Nazi.

HAT
CROWN
With black, ch 14.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 8: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 9: Dec over next 2 st, sc in next 9 sts, dec over last 2 sts, ch 1, turn.
ROW 10: Rep Row 2.
ROW 11: Dec over 1st 2 st, sc across, dec over last 2 st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 12: Rep Row 2.
ROW 13: Rep Row 11.
ROW 14 – 16: Rep Row 2.
ROW 17: Rep Row 11.
ROW 18: Rep Row 2.
ROW 19: Rep Row 11.
ROWS 20 – 22: Rep Row 2.
ROW 23: Dec over 1st 2nd st, sl st in next st. Fasten off.

BRIM
With black yarn, join yarn to lower right-hand corner of Hat Crown, on other side of beginning ch-14.
ROW 1: Sc in 1st ch, sc in same ch, sc in each ch across to last ch, 2 sc in last ch, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 8: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across to last st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn. Fasten off at end of Row 8.

You’ll have noticed that the hat is by far the most complicated part of this pattern. But that’s only right, because witches really love their hats.

Witches’ cats, on the other hand, not so much.

BODY
With black, ch 17.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 2: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 3: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn. (18 st)
ROWS 4 &5: Rep Row 2.
ROW 6: Rep Row 3.
ROWS 7 – 24: Rep Rows 4 – 6.
ROWS 25 – 27: Rep Row 2.
ROW 28: Rep Row 3.
ROWS 29 – 40: Rep Rows 25 – 28:
ROWS 41 & 42: Rep Row 2.

Whoa Debbie, why are you suddenly using fancy-smancy ampersands? Were you testing me to see if I was still awake?

To be fair, I was sleep crocheting.

SLEEVES
(Make 2)
With black, ch 13.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 & 3: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 4: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 5 – 14: Rep Rows 3 and 4. (24 sts at end of Row 14)
ROWS 15 – 27: Rep Row 3. Fasten off.

Or possibly zombie crocheting by this point.

No, no, not a crochet zombie, zombie crocheter … oh, never mind.

Sew sleeves to side of Body. Fold Sleeve in half so that point is at bottom. Tack in place.

BOOTS
(Make 2)
With black, fold Body in half; attach yarn, sk middle st, sc across 4 sc, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 5: Sc in each st across.
ROW 6: Starting Toe, 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 7: Sc in each st across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 8: Starting HEEL, sc in base of ch-1, sc in next 2 st, sl st in next st, sc in next 2 st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 9: Repeat Row 8.
ROWS 10 & 11: 2 sc for Heel. Fasten off.

Yes, these seem like awfully long boots for Roadkilla, but witches love their fancy footwear almost as much as their hats.

Whatever you do, don’t try to liven up this pattern by going for the ruby slipper option. You’ll be sorry.

Sew Head to Body. Attach Broom and Eyes.

Yes, it’s very important to attach the Broom first, and then the Eyes. That’s because witches love their brooms far more than their eyesight.

Which may explain why so many witches end up as flat as Roadkilla.

That, and one too many witches’ brews.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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DIY - Spyder vs. Spyder

For the rest of my tale of Halloween horror and mayhem:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Phil the Phentex Spider is constructed of Phentex, Styrofoam, three pipe cleaners (AKA “chenille sticks”) and two googly eyes, using this highly unhelpful pattern. Note – that’s three pipe cleaners, not the two the materials list called for. Of course, I’m going to charitably assume that the “two” was a typo, not a malicious lie, since even the spider in the picture had six legs.

Blackie, on the other hand, is crocheted out of Red Heart Supersaver yarn using this rather more complete pattern. The fangs are plastic stick pins, and the legs were supposed to be pipe cleaners but at the time of his construction there were no pipe cleaners to be had. So instead his legs are made of twist ties, with crocheted leg warmers to conceal the fact that they should be holding my garbage bags together, not carrying him around.

 

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One of These Things...

Curtain pull pattern from Gay Gadgets, 1938

No, it’s not the corn. I bet you guessed corn thinking that it’s the only vegetable in the picture. But it was a trick, corn isn’t a vegetable, it’s a grain! Bwahahaha!

Ahem. Getting back on track, it’s not the bouquet of flowers either, even though it’s the only one crocheted into a ring. Nor is it the little basket of flowers, either. Boy, you suck at this game.

For goodness sake! It’s that hideous, horrifying creature suspended above them!

What do you mean, you just didn’t want to attract its attention?

Oh God, did it just look at me?

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

CURTAIN PULL No. 9005

Draw the shades of night gaily with these jolly little curtain pulls.

Who the heck designed this unnamed creature? Was it a Satanic housewife? She’d done up her entire home in brimstone and pitchforks, but then realized her window treatments lacked a certain demonic je ne sais quoi?

Materials: Clark’s O.N.T. or J. & P. Coats Pearl Cotton, size 5, 1 ball each of White and Black. Milward’s steel crochet hook No. 7.

This was the only one of the four curtain pulls that wasn’t named. Maybe it’s a Halloween riddle we’re supposed to solve.

Body. Starting at bottom, with White ch 2. 1st rnd: 7 sc in 2nd ch from hook. 2nd rnd: 2 sc in each sc around (14 sc). 3rd rnd: Sc in each sc around. 4th rnd: 2 sc in each sc around (28). 5th rnd: Sc in each sc around. 6th rnd: * Sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around (42 sc). Hereafter make sc in each sc around until piece measures 1/2’’ deep. Next rnd: * Sc in next sc, skip 1 sc, sc in next sc (21 sc). Following rnd: Sc in each sc around. Mark vertical center line of piece, and make 2 seams, each 1/2 an inch away from center line at top, and tapering to meet center line at lower part. Stuff center opening firmly with cotton batting. Then, resuming work at top of body, sc in each sc around, skipping 4 sc at each side of body.

Let’s see, what’s black and white, has no legs and isn’t a newspaper, a legless zebra, or a zombie nun?

Head. Starting at top, with Black ch 2. 1st rnd: 5 sc in 2nd ch from hook. 2nd rnd: 2 sc in each sc around. 3rd rnd: Sc in each sc around. 4th rnd: * Sc in next sc, 2 sc in following sc. Repeat from * around (15 sc). 5th, 6th and 7th rnds: Sc in each sc around. Stuff head with cotton batting. 8th and 9th rnds: * Sc in next sc, skip next sc. Repeat from * around. Pull loop through and break off, leaving a 6-inch length of thread for sewing. With White, make 2 ch-10 loops, and sew one on each side of top of head (thus forming ears). Make running stitches for eyes and mouth, and a lazy daisy stitch for nose, as in illustration, on both sides of head.

Hey, National Geographic says that a paleontolgist recently discovered a toothy ancestor of the flying squirrel. Maybe that’s it!

Tail. With Black, ch 20, turn. 1st row: Sl st in each ch across. Break off. 2nd row: Attach White and sl st in each sl st across. Break off, leaving a 6-inch length of thread for sewing.

Sew tail to lower part of body, and head to upper part (see illustration).

Cord. With White, make a chain about 24 inches long. Double chain and knot at 6 places, as in illustration. Fasten cord to top of head, between ears.

Except Volaticotherium antiquus went extinct millions of years ago.

I guess there’s no way they could’ve evolved into tiny house-dwelling beasties who sleep all day, hanging from your curtain cords, only to wake at night and go hunting for tasty human toes.

Right?

 

Aaaah! It’s coming right at me!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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Kingdom of the Phentex Spiders

Phentex spider pattern from Dec-o-Rex, 1970

Here, Phentex the silent killer takes its true form as a googly-eyed Orb of Death and Destruction.

Sure, Phentex Inc. insists that it’s just a “spider”. But even an amateur arachnophobe knows that spiders have eight hairy legs that tickle you awake as the tarantulas sneak under your blankets late at night. Phentex Inc. wants you to think that this six-legged creepy crawly – or six legged suspend-y in mid airy – is just another harmless, anatomically incorrect Halloween decoration. But that too is a lie.

The instructions lead you to believe that this long-legged beastie is simply the result of an unholy alliance of Phentex, styrofoam and not enough pipe cleaners. But that is the biggest lie of all.

They think you can’t handle the truth!

But if Tom Cruise could handle the truth. . . okay, bad example. Still, I know you can handle the truth that this monstrosity wasn’t handmade by anyone’s mother. This . . . this thing was created when some fool got a skein of black Phentex wet.

Don’t panic! Just make sure that your stash of Phentex is sealed inside airtight containers stored well above your local water table. You may also want to keep your pipe cleaners and styrofoam in another part of the house, just in case.

But whatever you do, don’t feed your Phentex after midnight.

 

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Materials: 1 skein of Phentex (3 ply), 2 pipe cleaners;

Wait, only 2 pipe cleaners? I know math isn’t this designer’s strong suit, but a four legged spider still seems like pressing your luck.

One pair of eyes; 1 ball of styrofoam of 4” in diameter; 2 balls of styrofoam of 1” in diameter.

Plus 3 semi-colons and the desire to misuse and abuse them.

Completely cover with Phentex, the 4” styrofoam ball and the two styrofoam balls of 1”.

Toss your Subject, Object, Verb, Prepositional Phrases etc. into blender. Skip over the wimpy settings of fold or stir and go straight for frappe or whip!

FINISHING: (See illustration).

Get their attention by shouting, but win their love by showing your vulnerability to unnecessary brackets.

Oh well, at least I have more than a grainy, old photo to guide me this time. Surely, this illustration will clear up any questions I might have on how to create my own very own Phake Phentex Spider.

 

Step 1: The styrofoam ball cowers in fear as the menacing ball of Phentex nears.

Step 2: It’s essential when shopping for “One pair of eyes” to specify that they come pre-skewered.

Step 3: In order to preserve its G-rating, the nasty details of how to attach the rear pair of legs has been blocked from view.

Step 4: Run from the beast’s terrifying hypno-gaze!

I’m filled with such gratitude for this helpful illustration that I created a personals ad for the designer of this project. I don’t think I’m wrong to assume that someone this sadistic is still single.

Desperately Seeking Soulmate; Reject all rules of grammar you must; Phentex fetish a plus; BYO Pipe Cleaners; No timewasters.

Hey, look, your first responses!

 

Freaky costumes from McCall’s Needlework & Crafts, Fall-Winter 1969-70.

Click here for the printable "pattern".

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DIY - "I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world!"

Want to take a wild guess which pumpkin was made by following the pattern in Crochet World?

Yep, it’s the pumpkin on the left. The one that looks like a Jack o’ Lantern that was carved in early September and then left outside to slowly transform into mush.

Okay, perhaps I’m being a bit harsh. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

For more pics, and an alternate pattern:

Yikes! I haven’t seen that kind of facial swelling since the time I tripped and fell into a wasp’s nest.

Now, some of you may believe I’m not showing the Crochet World Pumpkin to his best advantage. Not true, and if you don’t believe me, just check out what he looked like a few minutes later...

Wow, I knew it was a mistake to lower the drinking age for pumpkins.

To be fair, I was wrong about “O hook” meaning 12mm. And I did completely overlook the instruction to work through back loops only. I admit that this time my Mad Crochet Skillz left a wee bit to be desired.

But what about the other pumpkin, you ask? The handsome fellow on the right?

Why he’s Crocheted Jack o’ Lantern version 2.0!

BUILDING A BETTER JACK-O-LANTERN

By Victoria Dunn (adapted from the original by L.J. Stout)

MATERIALS: Knitting worsted weight yarn, 2 oz. orange, and small amounts of lt. green, dk. green and black; crochet hook size F

Want to guess what I used? Red Heart Supersaver, of course! I’m up to my ears in leftover Halloween colours.

FINISHED SIZE: Approximately 4’’ high.

The original pattern claimed that the pumpkin would end up 7’’ high. But even allowing for his teenage slouch, Crocheted Jack o’ Lantern 1.0 wasn’t even close.

NOTE: If you want a taller pumpkin, just increase the number of dc in the center of the row, adjusting the starting chain accordingly.

HEAD: With size F hook and orange, ch 20.

ROW 1: Sl st in 2nd ch from hook and in each of next 2 ch, sc in each of next 3 ch, hdc in each of next 3 ch, dc in each of next 4 ch, hdc in each of next 3 ch, sc in each of next 3 ch, ch 1, turn (19 sts).

Working all sts through back of loop only, proceed:

Ha! I can do bossy bolding too!

ROW 2: Work sc in each sc, hdc in each hdc, dc in each dc, hdc in each hdc, sc in each sc, sl st in each sl st, ch 1, turn.

ROW 3: Work a sl st in each sl st, sc in each sc, hdc in each hdc, dc in each dc, hdc in each hdc, sc in each sc, ch 1, turn. Repeat rows 2 and 3 until your pumpkin looks round enough. The one in the illustration has 38 rows.

I couldn’t understand why L.J. wanted us to go through the bother of sewing four sections together. In this new and improved pattern, your pumpkin not only ends up much rounder, but you also have complete control over how pleasantly plump you want him to be.

Bring the top and bottom rows together, line them up st to st, and close the seam with a row of sc.

Work 1 rnd sl st around top opening with orange.

BOTTOM: With orange, ch 2.

RND 1: 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook.

RND 2: 2 sc in each sc around (12 sc). End off. Sew this piece to bottom opening of pumpkin head.

And who doesn’t love a chubby Jack o’ Lantern?

TOP: With orange, ch 2.

RNDS 1 & 2: Work rnds 1 and 2 of bottom (12 sc).

RND 3: * 1 sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc, repeat from * around (18 sc).

RND 4: Repeat row 3 (27 sc).

RND 5: Work even in sc.

RND 6: Repeat row 3 (40 sc).

RND 7: Sl st in each st around. End off.

This should give your pumpkin a more rounded, attractive and shapely lid. If I do say so myself.

LARGE LEAF: With dark green, ch 2.

ROW 1: Work sc in 2nd ch from hook, ch 1, turn.

ROW 2: Work 2 sc in sc, ch 1, turn (2 sc).

ROW 3: Work 2 sc in each of 2 sc, ch 1, turn (4 sc).

ROW 4: Working in sc, 2 sc in first and last sc, ch 1, turn (6 sc).

ROWS 5-9: Repeat row 4 (14 sc).

ROWS 10-12: Sc on these 14 sts. Ch 3 on last row for turning ch.

ROW 13: Dc twice, hdc twice, sc three times, sl st two times across center, then sc three times, hdc twice, dc twice. Ch 3.

ROW 14. Sk 1st st, sc in second st, hdc twice, sc twice, sl st four times across center, sc twice, hdc twice, sk next st, dc in last st. End off. One large leaf made.

SMALL LEAF: With dark green, ch 2.

ROW 1: Work sc in 2nd ch from hook, ch 1, turn.

ROW 2: Work 2 sc in sc, ch 1, turn (2 sc).

ROW 3: Work 2 sc in each of 2 sc, ch 1, turn (4 sc).

ROW 4: Working in sc, 2 sc in first and last sc, ch 1, turn (6 sc).

ROW 5: Repeat row 4 (8 sc). Ch 3.

ROW 6: Dc, hdc, sc, sl st two times across center, then sc, hdc, dc. Ch 3.

ROW 7: Hdc, skip next st, sc, sl st twice, sc, skip next st, hdc. End off. One small leaf made.

STEMS: Using light green, make a chain that is as long as you want the stem to be (about 5 or 6 ch), then work sl sts through the center of the leaf for about 1/3 the length. Turn and work sl sts all the way back along the chain you just made, right to the end of the stem. Fasten off, leaving a long end for sewing.

I hope that was clear, but if not, here’s a picture that’s hopefully worth a few dozen words:

TENDRILS: With light green, make chains of varying lengths (model shows 3 tendrils). Work 2 sl st in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. End off leaving long strand for sewing. Repeat for each tendril.

CENTRAL STEM: With dark green, chain 2.

RND 1: Work 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook. Join with sl st in 1st sc, ch 1.

RND 2: Sc in each sc around, join with sl st, ch 1.

Repeat rnd until the stem is as long as you want it to be. Fasten off, leaving a long end for sewing, and sew the open end to the top of your pumpkin.

Sew leaves and tendrils in place. Embroider face details.

The original called for sewing crocheted triangles to the face. I tried that, but they looked so dreadful I couldn’t bear to attach them. My embroidery’s nothing to write home about, but it still proved better than the alternative.

And that’s it! You are now the proud owner of Crocheted Jack o’ Lantern 2.0!

Now, if only versions 1.0 and 2.0 would play nice together.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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