Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Kingdom of the Phentex Spiders

Phentex spider pattern from Dec-o-Rex, 1970

Here, Phentex the silent killer takes its true form as a googly-eyed Orb of Death and Destruction.

Sure, Phentex Inc. insists that it’s just a “spider”. But even an amateur arachnophobe knows that spiders have eight hairy legs that tickle you awake as the tarantulas sneak under your blankets late at night. Phentex Inc. wants you to think that this six-legged creepy crawly – or six legged suspend-y in mid airy – is just another harmless, anatomically incorrect Halloween decoration. But that too is a lie.

The instructions lead you to believe that this long-legged beastie is simply the result of an unholy alliance of Phentex, styrofoam and not enough pipe cleaners. But that is the biggest lie of all.

They think you can’t handle the truth!

But if Tom Cruise could handle the truth. . . okay, bad example. Still, I know you can handle the truth that this monstrosity wasn’t handmade by anyone’s mother. This . . . this thing was created when some fool got a skein of black Phentex wet.

Don’t panic! Just make sure that your stash of Phentex is sealed inside airtight containers stored well above your local water table. You may also want to keep your pipe cleaners and styrofoam in another part of the house, just in case.

But whatever you do, don’t feed your Phentex after midnight.


For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Materials: 1 skein of Phentex (3 ply), 2 pipe cleaners;
Wait, only 2 pipe cleaners? I know math isn’t this designer’s strong suit, but a four legged spider still seems like pressing your luck.
One pair of eyes; 1 ball of styrofoam of 4” in diameter; 2 balls of styrofoam of 1” in diameter.
Plus 3 semi-colons and the desire to misuse and abuse them.
Completely cover with Phentex, the 4” styrofoam ball and the two styrofoam balls of 1”.
Toss your Subject, Object, Verb, Prepositional Phrases etc. into blender. Skip over the wimpy settings of fold or stir and go straight for frappe or whip!
FINISHING: (See illustration).
Get their attention by shouting, but win their love by showing your vulnerability to unnecessary brackets.

Oh well, at least I have more than a grainy, old photo to guide me this time. Surely, this illustration will clear up any questions I might have on how to create my own very own Phake Phentex Spider.

Step 1: The styrofoam ball cowers in fear as the menacing ball of Phentex nears.

Step 2: It’s essential when shopping for “One pair of eyes” to specify that they come pre-skewered.

Step 3: In order to preserve its G-rating, the nasty details of how to attach the rear pair of legs has been blocked from view.

Step 4: Run from the beast’s terrifying hypno-gaze!

I’m filled with such gratitude for this helpful illustration that I created a personals ad for the designer of this project. I don’t think I’m wrong to assume that someone this sadistic is still single.

Desperately Seeking Soulmate; Reject all rules of grammar you must; Phentex fetish a plus; BYO Pipe Cleaners; No timewasters.

Hey, look, your first responses!

Freaky costumes from McCall’s Needlework & Crafts, Fall-Winter 1969-70.

Click here for the printable "pattern".

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