Silent Night, Deadly Night

The Workbasket, December 1983

Create a chorus of pine cone carolers for “singing” around your Christmas tree.

“Singing” is in quotes because clearly this caroller is “screaming”. Because nothing says Winter Solstice like terrifying crafts.

This merry masterpiece was inspired by the ancient pagan tradition of sacrificing frozen carollers to ensure the return of the sun. Revellers would then impale the decapitated heads on pine cones, and hang them on their Solstice tree!

No, it’s true, I read all about it on the interwebs.

For the complete pattern (and more horror!):

For each caroler you will need scraps of red and green felt, a medium sized cotton ball, a pipe cleaner, a pine cone of any size, 2 blue sequins for eyes and 1 red for mouth, a small gold pearl, small pins, white glue and a polystyrene ball. Be sure to select a pine cone that is flat on bottom so that caroler isn’t wobbly.

Carollers should only be wobbly after they’ve drunk all your wassail, not before.

Using given pattern, cut hat and shawl from felt. Glue cotton ball to hat, let dry.

Trust me, cotton balls glued onto circles of green felt look exactly like Victorian top hats.

If you can’t see the clear resemblance, you clearly haven’t eaten enough delicious Rum Balls.

The size of the polystyrene ball selected for head should be chosen according to pine cone size. Using small pins, position sequins and gold pearl for face. Set aside.

The ceremonial importance of the nose being gold has been lost in the mists of time. Nevertheless, do not mess with tradition! One slip up, and you’ll be condemned to twelve months of flood, famine, and ill-fitting thermal underwear.

Wrap pipe cleaner around small end of pine cone, forming arms.

See photo to ensure that the arms are properly positioned to illustrate the caroller’s terrified supplication to the merciless Elder Gods.

With straight end of crochet hook make small hole in center of bottom of polystyrene ball. Fill hole with white glue and press onto center part of pine cone. Glue felt hat to ball, leaving a brim.

All good pagans own a crochet hook. It doesn’t need to be included in the materials list.

Finally, attach shawl by wrapping around pine cone and drawing one end through slit, pull up tight. Let dry for about 2 hours.

One man’s shawl is another man’s scarf. Be sure to make it of red fabric as it symbolizes the ritual beheading of the carollers at midnight. Then, cookies and milk for everyone!

If desired, cut songbook from gold or silver cardboard using pattern. Position in carolers’ arms.

Now kick back and enjoy your new decorations, while munching on a gingerbread man. Be sure to leave his head for last, so Gingy’s screams will drown out those annoying carollers who’ve temporarily escaped Cthulhu’s grasping tentacles.

Click here for the Printable Pattern.


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Sensational doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Dritz Art Needlework Ad from McCall’s Needlework & Crafts, Winter 1978

Unless, during the 1970s, sensational was a synonym for bleak and depressing.

To be fair, being a survivalist was a lot tougher those days. There were no websites to provide tips on how to decorate your bunker for Christmas, or what gifts to buy relatives who refuse to prepare for the collapse of Western civilization.

So back in 1978, Brenda heroically tried to brighten up her basement bunker by flinging needlepoint pillows hither and yon. However, despite their striking dimensional effect, her Dritz® Art mini-pillows proved to be no protection when Commie Santa came to town.

For more 1970s survivalist decorating ideas:

Ah Christmas Eve, a time of joy and celebration even if you lived in a disco era bomb shelter. After the kids fell asleep in their sleeping bags, visions of canned goods and gold bars dancing in their heads, Brenda put up the artificial tree. Then she hung the unbreakable ornaments, draped the flame-resistant garlands, and broke out hypoallergenic fiberfill snow for under the tree.

Still, Radioactive Rudolf had nothing but contempt for her efforts.

Rudolph couldn’t forgive Brenda for using up all her red yarn giving Mr. and Mrs. Claus glowing red noses. But everyone knows that reindeer are useless during a nuclear winter.

But come Armageddon, Rudolf, Christmas Mouse, Mutant Mutt, Frosty and his Mini-Me will be grateful for Brenda’s indoor/outdoor turf carpeting. Those synthetic fibers are guaranteed to survive anything short of a direct hit from an atom bomb. Plus, the wood paneling on the wall is actually made of Laminex® – wipes clean and blocks radiation!

Even Brenda’s needlepoint Christmas wreath (decorative bar not included) has been constructed out of apocalypse-resistant acrylic yarn.

Sometimes Brenda fantasizes about going outside to see real trees and grass, but then she thinks, “What if today is the day they drop the bomb?” You see, she’s been living in this basement since Sputnik launched in 1957, and only captured found a husband when an unsuspecting plumber stumbled into her shelter in 1972.

Gazing at the locked, blast proof doors, Brenda decides she can’t chance the Soviets sending Merry Missiles for Christmas. So she reaches for another Dritz® Art Needlework Kit, thankful that they deliver during the end times.


Weird Al Yankovic - Christmas At Ground Zero (Official Music Video) - The best video clips are right here


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You Better Watch Out...

Large Santa Claus from “YOU asked for these”, Star Book No. 208, c. 1965

You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I’m telling you why...

Because not only is Santa Claus coming to town, he’s bringing what YOU asked for!

Yes, YOU asked for a shapeless granny square pullover. YOU asked for a useless doily for your disco dancing cherub. And, since you’re a sucker for punishment, YOU also asked for a “Large Santa”.

Clearly, YOU should be a lot more careful what you ask for.

Boy, Large Santa sure looks cranky. It’ll take a lot more than an offering of milk and cookies to placate him. Maybe next time you’ll remember that Kris Kringle prefers the nickname Big-Boned Santa.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Yikes, never mind cranky! Large Santa’s come to life and he’s out for vengeance!

So what if he’s only 18 inches tall and made of yarn? Just look at that murderous expression, and remember, he knows when you’re sleeping...

Large Santa Claus

Materials Required:
AMERICAN THREAD
“AUNT LYDIA’S” HEAVY RUG YARN
7 – 70 yd. skeins Red.
1 – 70 yd. skein White
3 Black Buttons
1/3 yd. Red Felt

This year, instead of dreaming of sugarplums, your children will be lying awake in terror, listening for the sound of woolly feet stomping across the floor.

BODY: Wind 5 skeins of Red over an 18 inch cardboard, tie with a double strand of yarn at one end for top of head. Tie tightly about 3 ½ inches from top of head for neck. Divide remaining yarn in half for legs and tie each section about 2 inches from each end. Cut and trim for feet.

ARMS: Wind 2 skeins of Red over a 14 inch cardboard, tie 2 inches from each end for hands, then tie each side about 3 ½ inches from each hand tying for shoulders, insert through center of body. Tie about 5 inches from neck for waist. Cut and trim for hands.

Sew buttons in place for eyes and nose.

Don’t let Santa’s jolly old elf act fool you – he’s as judgmental as he is jolly. And if you’ve been very naughty, he’ll deliver those lumps of coals with a twelve gauge shotgun!

HAT: Cut a triangle 16 ½ x 14 ½ x 14 ½ inches of Red felt. Fold and seam the two 14 ½-inch edges tog for back seam. Turn about ½ inch under and tack in position to head. Finish with a pompon.

POMPONS: Wind White 40 times over a 2 inch cardboard, slip off cardboard, tie in center, cut both ends, trim into shape. Attach to top of hat. Work 2 more pompons, and attach in place for buttons.

This Large Santa doll will reinforce the lesson that children should always approach any Santa with extreme caution. After all, according to the Mayan calendar, every 1,000 years Santa completely loses his Christmas cheer.

WHISKERS: With White work a 7 inch ch. Cut yarn into 6 inch lengths. Fold 4 lengths in half and knot through each ch. Bush slightly and trim.

MUSTACHE: Cut 10 strands 10 inches long. Tie in center. Sew in place. Brush and tirm..

EYEBROWS: Take 4 strands 1 ½ inches. Tie in center. Open strands. Glue in place.

Make those eyebrows extra bushy, to enhance Large Santa’s glare. Then prop up the completed toy beside your children’s bedside, as a reminder that they better be good... or else St. Nick will take them to his North Pole Sweatshop where stunted, malnourished children (AKA elves) work non-stop making toys for better-behaved girls and boys.

You asked for it, kid!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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How the Grinch Stole Christmas Snowflakes

Snowflake Mobile from Crochet World Omnibook Christmas Special, 1980

This photo is stark warning to us all. Don’t leave your Snowflake mobile unguarded for a single second this holiday season. Otherwise, the Grinch will leave nothing but hooks and some wire.

SNOWFLAKE MOBILE By Betty Leach

Hey, this is the same Betty who brought us the Happy Hanukkah UFO! So, by all means make both crafts to decorate your child’s nursery for ChristKwanukkah.

No? Hanumaszaa?

Kwanukkamas?

Hey, you’re not going to trick me into saying anything dangerous like Happy Holidays.

What could be more fun to make than a Christmas mobile?

Seriously? What could be more fun than suspending flimsy thread snowflakes from a crochet covered Cuban cigar?

Well, Betty, since you asked, I’d have more fun making Tuna Can Santa, Flat Santa and my personal favourite, Undead Santa. Plus I could sleep peacefully at night knowing that these Christmas Crafts would teach my kiddies the Timeless Truth that Santa Claus is Real!

Whereas your Snowflake mobile will convince my children that snowflakes come from the Big Pompon in the Sky thus destroying any chance of them getting into MIT and supporting me when I’m old and crocheting crotchety Christmas crafts.

Thanks for asking!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

SNOWFLAKE MOBILE
By Betty Leach
Snowflakes are the dangling objects ‘d’ art of this design.

According to the dictionary, Objets d’art are objects with artistic value. Whereas, objects ‘d’ art are objects which end up on Regretsy.

MATERIALS: 1 4-oz. skein 4-ply yarn in red and small amount of white; gold cord; pipe cleaners; white glue and straight pins; size I crochet hook; Knit-Cro-Sheen and size 8 crochet hook; Susan Bates Jumbo Pompon maker; 1 9’’ Styrofoam ring.

Because Susan Bates knows you can’t be trusted to make your own pompons.

COVER FOR RING: With I hook and red yarn, ch 18, dc in 3rd ch from hook, dc in remaining ch sts. ch 3, turn.
R 2: Dc in first dc and remaining dcs, working in back loops only. DC in top of turning ch – 15 dc, counting ch 3 as first dc. Ch 3, turn.
R 3: Repeat row 2 for 32 rows. Sl st first and last rows together to form ring. End off.
Place crocheted ring around Styrofoam ring and whipstitch edges together on inside of ring.

HANGING CORDS: Leave a 6’’ length of yarn, with red ch 61, end off leaving 6’’ length. Go back to center of ch, leave 6’’ length, join yarn in center ch and ch 30. End off, leaving 6’’ length. Take the 3 6’’ lengths and sew evenly spaced around edges of crocheted ring.

Turns out I owe Betty an apology. She didn’t hang her snowflakes from an ugly crochet-covered cigar as the photo led me to believe. She hung them from an ugly crochet-wrapped Styrofoam ring.

My bad!

POMPON
Make according to directions with red yarn, making one 4 ½’’ pompon. Or you made use a piece of heavy cardboard cut 4 ½’’ wide, winding yarn around cardboard 212 times.
Take top 6’’ length of hanging cord and tie securely to bottom of pompon. Take a 24’’ length of gold cord and tie to top of pompon, tie a knot at the end of gold cord to hang from ceiling hook.

FINISHING: Attach snowflakes with thread or fine gold cord around crocheted ring, hanging them at different lengths. Make bows from gold cord and attach with glue or pins to edge of crocheted ring, spacing them evenly around.

Pins? This certainly isn’t a toy for children.

Unless they’re on Santa’s naughty list.

Make candy caned by dipping pipe cleaner in white glue, take one strand of red and one strand of white yarn, holding the yarn together wrap around pipe cleaner. Let glue dry, cut pipe cleaner in half, end one end cane, tie bow at crook. Attach to edge of disk with glue or pins.

Dipping the entire pipe cleaner into white glue is a bit excessive. You better show more restraint than Betty did, or you won’t have enough white glue left over to finish your granny square cube.

FINISHING OF ALL SNOWFLAKES
Use liquid starch full strength, dip snowflakes into starch until they are thoroughly saturated. Squeeze out excess starch, pin snowflake into shape on flat surface and let dry completely. When dry, remove pins and run a length of thread through any top loop to form hanger.

MATERIALS: Knit Cro-Sheen, No.8 crochet hook.

No.1 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 8, join to form ring.
R 1: Ch 3, 4 dc in ring, * make popcorn stitch over those 5 dc. To make popcorn stitch remove hook from last dc made, insert hook into top loop of first dc and into last dc, thread over hook and draw through. Ch 5, repeat from * 4 times, repeating, ending with ch 3 and dc in top of first popcorn st.
R 2: * Ch 10, sl st in 3rd st from hook, ch 7, sl st in 3rd ch from hook, ch 7, sl st in 3rd ch from hook. Sl st in 1st ch 3 picot. Ch 7, sc in same space. Ch 5, sc in next space *. Repeat from * to * around. Ch 5, join with sl st to starting ch 10. End off.

Yes, this is merely Snowflake No. 1 out of 10! Now, other bloggers would try to fool you into believing there were only three variations of snowflakes and spend the rest of her leisure time watching TV and eating bonbons.

These deceptive bloggers are known in the blogging biz as sane, rational adults.

No.2 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 8, join with sl st.
R 1: * ch 7, sc in ring. Repeat from * 9 times. Join with sl st in base of first loop.
R 2: Sl st to center ch of first loop, sc in loop, * ch 9, sc in next loop. Repeat from * around. Join last ch 9 to first sc. End off.
R 3: Join thread in any ch 9 loop. * Ch 4, work a 5 trc cluster in loop. Ch 8, sc in 3rd ch from hook, * ch 3, sc in first sc. Repeat from * once.

I’m not sure if you’re supposed to repeat from the * before Ch 4 or the * before Ch 3. I suggest you do both just to be safe.

Ch 5, work another 5 trc cluster in same loop. Ch 7, sc in next loop. Ch 3, sc in same sc (picot made). * Ch 7, sc in next loop. Repeat from first * around. End with picot, ch 7 and join to bottom of first trc. End off.

No.3 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 6, join to form ring.
R 1: Ch 3, work 11 dc in ring, join to top of ch 3 – (12 dc).
R 2: * Ch 7, skip 1 dc, sc in next. Repeat from * around. End with sl st in base of first ch.
R 3: * 4 sc in first loop, ch 14, sl st in 3rd ch from hook. Ch 7, sl st in first sl st, ch 3, sl st back to first sl st. Ch 11, 4 sc in same loop. Ch 5, sl st back to 3rd ch from hook. Ch 2, repeat from * around. Join with sl st in first sc. End off.

Whoa, Betty likes overusing the * as much as she revels in overusing glue.

When will people realizing that asterisk abuse is a gateway to comma crime, semi-colon sins and the exploitation of exclamation marks!!!!!

No.4 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 6, join to form ring.
R 1: Ch 3, 17 dc in ring, join to top of ch 3 – 18 dc.
R 2: Ch 3, 2 dc in joining space, ch 2, 3 dc in next dc. * Ch 3, skip 1 dc, 3 dc in next dc, ch 2, 3 dc in next dc. Repeat from * around. End ch 2, sc in top of first ch 3.
R 3: Ch 15, sc in 3rd ch from hook, * ch 3, sc in next ch. Repeat from * to base of ch 15. Ch 1, turn, work ch 3 picots up opposite of ch 15. Join with sl st to top picot. End off.
R 4: Join thread in next ch 3 space. Repeat R 3.
R 5: Repeat R 3 and R 4 around. Twist each spoke after starching and let dry thoroughly.

No.5 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 8, join to form ring.
R 1: Ch 3, * dc in ring. Repeat from * 11 times. Join to top of ch 3.
R 2: * Ch 5, sc in next dc. Repeat from * around. Join in first ch of first loop.
R 3: Sl st to center ch of first loop. * Ch 7, sc in 3rd ch from hook. Repeat from * 6 times. Sl st in sc of first picot, ch 4, sc in loop. Sc in next ch 5 loop, (ch 3, sc in same loop) 3 times. Sc in next loop. Repeat from * around. Join with a sl st to first sl st of previous row. End off.

Or maybe all of these *’s aren’t really asterisks. Perhaps, Betty sees them as typographical snowflakes, turning her instructions into a Winter Wonderland.

Bloody annoying, either way.

No.6 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 5, join in first ch to form ring.
R 1: * Ch 10, sl st in ring *, repeat from * to * 4 times.
R 2: * Sl st to ch 10 loop. Work 15 sc in loop *. Repeat from * to * for each loop. Join in first sl st. End off.
R 3: Join in 7th sc of first loop. * Ch 15, work sl st in 3rd ch from hook for picot. Ch 12, skip 1 sc, sc in next sc, ch 8, sl st in 3rd ch from hook for picot. Ch 5 sc in 7th sc of next loop *. Repeat from * to * around, ending ch 5, sl st in joining. End off.

No.7 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 10, sl st to first ch to form ring.
R 1: Work 15 sc in ring, join with sl st in first sc.
R 2: Ch 3, 2 dc in same space as sl st, * ch 3, skip 2 sc, 3 dc in next sc *. Repeat from * to * around – 5 dc groups. Join with sl st to top of first ch 3.
R 3: Sl st to ch 3 space, ch 9, sl st in 3rd ch from hook for picot. Ch 8, sl st in 3rd ch from hook for picot. * Ch 3, sl st to base of last picot made. Repeat from * to * once.

Great, now we’re missing asterisks in these instructions. I’m beginning to understand why the snowflakes in the photo appeared… how do I put it nicely? Malformed? Misshapen? Misfits?

Misfits! That’s what these snowflakes are.

Ch 8, sl st in 3rd ch from hook (picot), ch 6, sc in ch 3 space. Repeat from beginning of round 4 times. Sl st in first sl st. End off.

Everyone sing together!

We’re on the Island of Misfit Flakes
Here we will melt away
We want to snow
On Santa Claus
And ice up his magical sleigh!

No.8 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 6, dc in first ch. * Ch 3, dc in same ch *. Repeat from * to * 4 times – 6 loops. Join to top of ch 3.
R 1: * Sl st to loop, ch 7, sc in same loop, ch 7, sc in same loop *. Repeat from * to * 5 times – 12-ch 7 loops. Join with sl st to first sl st. End off.
R 2: Join to top of any ch 7 loop with sl st. * Ch 4 (for first trc), work 3 trc, ch 7, 3 trc in loop. Ch 7, skip 1 loop. Repeat from * to * 5 times. Join to top of first trc.
R 3: * Sl st to ch 7 loop. (Ch 3, sl st in loop) 3 times. Ch 15, sl st in 5th ch from hook, ch 10, sl st in same ch 7 loop. (Ch 3, sl st in loop) 3 times. Sl st to next ch 5 loop, work (ch 3, sl st in loop) 5 times *. Repeat from * to * around. Join with sl st to first trc. End off.

Snowflakes for toys
Bring frostbitten joys
For millions of girls
And for millions of boys
When the Christmas Flakes are here
Every day seems like it lasts for a year.

No.9 SNOWFLAKE
Same as No.8, only make 5 loops, instead of 6.
R 1: Sl st in space, ch 4 (counts as 1 trc), work 6 trc in same sp. * Ch 3, 7 trc in next space *. Repeat from * to * around. Join with sl st to top of first trc.
R 2: Sl st to 2nd trc, ch 4, holding back last loop on hook, trc in each of next 4 trc, thread over and through all loops on hook (5 trc cluster made). * (Ch 8, sl st in 3rd ch from hook) 5 times. Join last picot to first picot made with sl st. Ch 5, sl st to top of cluster. Ch 5, sl st in ch 3 space, ch 5, work 5 trc cluster over center 5 trc *. Repeat from * to * around. Join last ch 5 to top of first cluster with sl st. End off.

An ice cube for Jimmy
A slush ball for Sue
The kind that will give you a bad case of flu.
When the Christmas Mobile’s here
Disappointment replaces holiday cheer.

No.10 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 7, join with sl st to form ring.
R 1: Ch 3, 11 dc in ring. Join to top of ch 3.
R 2: * Ch 5, sc in next sc, ch 12, sc in next sc *. Repeat from * to * around, ending last ch 12 with sl st to base of first ch 5.
R 3: Ch 1, turn – working in long loops only, * 12 sc in loop, pushing ch 5 loop to back of work *. Repeat from * to * around. Join to first sc. Ch 1, turn.
R 4: Sl st over 5 sc, * ch 5, sl st in same st, sl st in next st *. Repeat from * to * twice. Sl st over next 10 sc. Repeat from first * around. Join with sl st to first sc. End off.

At last, you’re done! But it’s still not too late to use your Misfit Snowflakes for good rather than evil mobiles.

For instance, you could smush all the crochet snowflakes together to form a snowman hat for your dog. There’s no way that could be evil!

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Stocking Setbacks

Stocking Place Mats from Crochet World Omnibook Christmas Special, 1980

Stocking Place Mats
By Carol Ann Nadeau

To add a festive touch to your holiday table we present this stocking place mat. Children will especially love the way the stocking holds their utensils and napkin.

Adults, on the other hand, will be especially annoyed by how their wine glass keeps falling off this lumpy, crocheted placemat.

These colorful Christmas Stocking Place Mats will brighten any Christmas luncheon table setting. Imagine your guests surprise when they find their napkins tucked neatly inside their own little Christmas stocking!

Yes, your guests will be surprised when you brighten your Christmas luncheon with a scavenger hunt.

Spoiler alert: The glazed ham is behind the sofa cushion.

The fork, knife and spoon will fit inside too, if you wish, and these place mats are perfect for buffet lunches as well, since everything needed is right there in each stocking.

I can visualize your buffet now:

There’s a pyramid of neatly rolled placemats stacked beside the festive food spread over your dining room table. “Take one of the Christmas placemats I made,” you urge your guests. “All your silverware is inside the stocking. It’s that the cleverest thing?”

Your elderly neighbour, Mrs. Higginbottom, bravely takes a Christmas Stocking placemat, and sits down on the living room couch. All is well, until she attempts to unroll the merry mat over her knees while holding a full plate in her other hand.

The fork, spoon and knife hit your white shag carpeting first, followed in short order by the deviled eggs, tomato aspic, cranberry sauce, roast turkey and fruit cake. Yes, these Christmas Stocking Placemats are perfect... a perfect catastrophe.

So, give your holiday entertaining that extra special personal touch this year with Christmas Stocking Place Mats you made yourself and have a very warm and happy holiday season!

Replete with spilled wine, stained carpets, and ruined clothes. After all, Christmas isn’t Christmas without tears and recriminations!

For a pattern guaranteed to ruin the best-planned Christmas Buffet:

CHRISTMAS STOCKING PLACE MATS
MATERIALS: Knitting worsted weight yarn, 4 oz. skeins, 2 each dark green and white, 1 red (makes 3 place mats); crochet hooks sizes H&K.

FINISHED SIZE: Each mat measures approximately 12’’ x 17’’ including edging.

NOTE: Place mats are worked with 1 strand of dark green and 1 strand of white held together throughout.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: These place mats are one use only. No matter how washable your wool is, there’s no way you’ll get all the dried up bits of sausage stuffing and figgy pudding out of your encrusted placemats.

PLACE MAT
With 1 strand dark green and 1 strand white and size K hook, ch 47 to measure about 15’’.
ROW 1: Sc in 3rd ch from hook, * ch 1, sk 1 ch, sc in next ch, repeat from * across (23 sc). Ch 2, turn.
ROW 2: Sc in next ch 1 sp, * ch 1, sc in next ch 1 sp, repeat from * across ending with ch 1, sc in turning ch 2 sp, ch 2, turn. Repeat row 2 until piece measures about 9’’ from beg. Do not break yarn but turn and work edging as follows: * Ch 6, sc in 3rd ch from hook, ch 3, sl st in next sc, repeat from * along wide edge, ch 6, sc in 3rd ch from hook, ch 3, sl st in next row, ** ch 6, sc in 3rd ch from hook, ch 3, skip 1 row, sc in next row, repeat from ** along side edge. Work along other wide edge and other side edge to correspond. End off.

Besides, after this year’s Christmas buffet catastrophe, you won’t need these placemats again. Next year you’ll be crocheting the whole darn dinner.

I recommend you place your crocheted creations on your best dinner platter, and enter the dining room screaming, “Try staining my carpet with THIS you slovenly swine!”

I guarantee that you’ll never again be asked to host a family holiday fête.

STOCKING
With single strand of red and size H hook, ch 18.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. (17 sc) Ch 1, turn, each row.
ROW 2: Working in sc, dec 1 st at beg and end of row (to dec: pull up a lp in each of next 2 sc, yo and through all lps on hook – 1 dec made).
ROW 3: Work even in sc. Repeat rows 3 & 3 until 9 sts remain.
ROWS 9 – 12: Work even in sc.
ROW 13: Working in sc, inc 1 st at beg and end of row (to inc: work 2 sc in same st – 1 inc made), (11 sc).
ROW 14: Repeat row 13 once. (13 sc)
ROW 15: Working in sc, inc 1 st in last st. (14 sc)
ROW 16: Working in sc, inc 1 st in first st, sc in each sc across. (15 sc)
ROWS 17 & 18: Work even in sc.
ROW 19: Working in sc, dec 1 st at beg and end of row. (13 sc)
ROW 20: Repeat row 19 once. (11 sc)
ROW 21: Working in sc, dec 1 st at beg of row, sc in each of next 5 sc, sl st in next sc. End off.

Once the humdrum task of making the roast beast is safely in another sucker’s relative’s hands, you can turn your festive crochet skills to better effect.

Well, more spectacular effect, at any rate.

TOP
ROW 1: With wrong side facing, attach white in first sc, work a lp st in this sc and in each sc across (lp st: insert hook in st, wind yarn over left index finger from front to back, catch yarn with hook and pull through, drop lp from finger, yo and through 2 lps on hook – 1 lp st made), ch 1, turn each row. (17 lp sts)
ROW 2: Work even in sc.
ROW 3: Work even in lp st. End off.

FINISHING: Sew Christmas Stocking to lower left front of place mat with toe pointing to left (lp sts on top should be facing). Leave top edge open to hold napkin and silverware. Press with damp cloth blocking to size.

Don’t forget to crochet up some milk and cookies for Santa!

Low-cal, high-fiber, and completely carpet-safe! Santa’s going to be thrilled!*

*Handmade by Mother accepts no responsibility for the appearance of coal in your Christmas Stocking placemats, should you leave crocheted cookies out on Christmas Eve.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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O Tannenbaum Trouble

Christmas Tree Coasters from Crochet World Omnibook Christmas Special, 1980

Thanks to the Southern Pine Beetle, the Spruce Spider Mite, and the White Pine Weevil, live Christmas trees will soon be harder to find than an Xbox Kinect this Xmas Eve. But don’t let the imminent deforestation of North America destroy your holiday spirit!

During the Great Christmas Tree Shortage of 1980 (caused by newly-elected President Ronald Reagan cutting down several polluting pine trees), Gerrie Spensley crocheted these Christmas Tree Coasters so Santa would have somewhere to leave presents. After all, Old Saint Nick has proved in the past he isn’t picky about counterfeit conifers.

Alas, these temporary tannenbaums contained a fatal flaw.

In Gerrie’s defense, she’d always intended for her crocheted coasters to fall apart faster than a toy made in China. In an interview for Crochet World, Gerry explained that her “Versatile Christmas tree coaster set serves two purposes – it’s a decoration and the coasters can be taken off and put to practical use under glasses and as doilies.” What she didn’t realize was that nothing makes children cry faster than a Christmas Tree flattened by their parents love of Christmas Cosmos and Scroogedrivers.

Poor Gerrie wanted 1980 to be renowned as the Christmas Saved by Crafty Crocheters. Instead, it became known as the Christmas Mommy and Daddy’s Drinking Ruined the Christmas Tree.

Again.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Christmas Tree Coasters
By Gerrie Spensley

MATERIALS: 1 skein of worsted weight yarn, variegated white to green; hook size F; small amount of red worsted; 30 small red beads; one ¼’’ wooden dowel, 6’’ long; one 3x3’’ square of wood for base.

STAND
Drill ¼’’ hole in wood square, put glue on the end of the dowel and insert the dowel in the hole. Stand may then be painted and a square of felt may be glued to the bottom of the stand.

While I’m not impressed with the final product, any crochet project that requires a drill is still made of awesome.

But whatever you do, don’t drink and drill.

TREE
The tree consists of six coasters with a large doily on the bottom that may be used under a candle or dish.
Work in back loop only throughout.
With variegated green:
RND 1: Ch 4, sl st in 1st ch, ch 3, make 15 dc in ring, join with sl st in top of ch 3.
RND 2: Ch 3, dc in each dc around, join.
RND 3: Ch 4, dc in same st, dc ch-1dc in each st around. Sl st in 3rd ch of first ch 4. Fasten off. Make six coasters.

In fact, it’s a bad idea to start slinging back the Christmas cocktails while knitting or crocheting too.

LARGE DOILY
Repeat above to rnd 2.
RND 3: Ch 3, dc in each st around, join.
RND 4: Ch 4, dc iin same st, dc ch-1 dc in each st around. Sl st in 3rd ch of first ch 4.

And if this pattern’s instructions to “dc ch-1 dc” is any indication, the first victim of editing drunk are the commas. Whereas, the cocaine fad in the 1980s killed the semi-colon.

RND 5: Ch 3, sl st to back of doily at bottom of first ruffle. Repeat rnd 4, making a double ruffle. Fasten off.

FINISHING: Sew a cluster of three of the red beads on each of the coasters. On the large doily, make 4 groups of three beads each and sew to doily, spacing them evenly. The beads should be sewn on the ruffle of the coasters and doily.

So, avoid imbibing your holiday spirits, and create your Christmas cheer with a rousing round of the traditional Carol: O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter!

My grasp of German is a bit shaky, but I believe the literal translation is “O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, how lovely are your bladders.”

RED BALL FOR TOP OF TREE
(Make two)
With red yarn ch 4, sl st in first ch. Ch 3, make 15 dc in ring. Join in first dc and fasten off. With red yarn sl around both circles, fastening them together. Leave 2 sts open to allow the ball to slip on top of the dowel. Assemble with the large doily on the bottom, then the six coasters, placing the red ball on top.

Crochet World also provided this festive drawing to remind you what a real Christmas Tree looks like.

“Hello ladies, look at your Crocheted Coaster Tree, now look at me, now look at your tree, now look at me, now look at your tree. Sadly, it isn’t me, but it will smell of Old Spice, vodka and disappointment.”

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Slouching toward a Washable Bethlehem

Carefree Washable Wool Ad from Vogue Knitting, Holiday, 1986

CARING GIFTS IN CAREFREE, WASHABLE WOOL

Nothing's too good for that favorite kid.

But the other three? Meh. They can have stretched out old sweaters you picked up at the flea market.

And if the oldest complains that her Christmas sweater is way too long, just tell her that it’s a dress meant to be worn with tights. Then take lots of pictures to be used as blackmail in the future.

Good mothers plan ahead.

That’s why you’ll spend the time and love on a handmade gift. When wool’s your yarn choice, you can be sure that you’re giving the best. Wool’s warm, comfortable...

Assuming your definition of comfortable is “so itchy everyone will assume your child has fleas”.

...great looking, incredibly resilient – and it’s even washable. That’s our gift to you.

By the way, we’re expecting you to pay for this “gift”.

Because you care, we wouldn’t want you to put your effort into anything less than the best... Pure Washable Wool.

That’s right, use Pure Wool, or we’ll all know that you don’t put any effort into your impure knitting.

Check your favorite yarn store for pattern information and yarn with the washable wool label.

There’s a mysterious symbol on the bottom right of the ad... what could it mean?

To find out:

This ominous triple swirl is the Woolmark!

In 1964, a shadowy Australian organization known as the “International Wool Secretariat” secretly hatched a plan to take over the world by creating quality standards for wool.

Don’t look so surprised, everyone knows that Australia is the number one breeding ground for successful supervillains. The IWS is headed by Doctor Lanolin, usually pictured bald and stroking his pet wallaby, Mr. Hoppy. He (the doctor not the wallaby) decided to hold an international competition to create a recognizable new logo for the IWS. A logo which would then be tattooed onto everyone’s forehead during the Apocalypse, as a sign of their allegiance to the Antichrist!

No?

Oh, all right, a more scholarly (*cough*boring*cough*) account of the history of the Antichr... I mean, Woolmark Company can be found here.

But if you’re unprepared when the Australian supervillains begin their reign of terror, don’t come crying to me.

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Merry Christmas, Again!

Knitted Crèche from McCall’s Design Ideas, Christmas Knit & Crochet, 1981

Guess what? Today is Twelfth Night AKA the Feast of the Ephiphany AKA the first day of Mardi Gras. And who doesn’t love a good party?

But if none of these celebrations are to your taste, today is also the day on which Armenians celebrate Jesus’s birth, except for those Armenians living in the Holy Land where it’s celebrated on the 18th. However be aware that, according to this article, the Armenian Theophany must never, ever be confused with Three Kings Day, even though Wikipedia says they’re, like, totally the same thing.

Darn you, Wikipedia! How dare you lead me astray!

Yes, today you can celebrate Jesus’s birth, the arrival of the Three Kings, or even his baptism as an adult. Or if you’re feeling really energetic, all three. And if that’s not enough, just guess what special day tomorrow is!

It’s Coptic Christmas in Egypt!

So in honor of all Christmases being celebrated today, tomorrow, and on any other days I may have missed, I give you this crèche.

Mary and Joseph are smiling bravely, but considering that this is the second time in less than a month that they’ve experienced the Holy Birth – and it’s going to happen all over again tomorrow! – it’s no surprise they’re also looking a little shell-shocked.

For the complete pattern (and more snark):

CRECHE

SIZE: 11’’ – 12’’ tall.

Surprise! These dolls are each almost a foot tall. Your visitors won’t be able to miss them when they drop by to celebrate your January 6th holiday of choice. Just be careful not to block any fire exits with your nativity scene.

MATERIALS: Knitting worsted weight yarn, 1 oz. each of white, brown, tan, dark blue, light blue, old gold; smaller amounts of yellow, pink, gray. Knitting needles No. 4. Crochet hook size G. Polyester stuffing. White felt, 9’’ x 12’’. Scraps of black and blue felt. Glue. Three gold tinsel sticks. Stick for Joseph’s staff.

And hamsters for sheep.

No, honest, hamsters love being used in Nativity scenes! And that hamster that jumped out the window when I was a kid? That totally had nothing to do with baby Jesus going for rides on his back.

GAUGE: 5 sts = 1’’; 7 rows = 1’’.

LARGE FIGURES: FRONT: Beg at top of head, with pink, cast on 7 sts. Work evne in stockinette st (k 1 row, p 1 row) for 2 rows.
Row 3: Inc 1 st each side.
Rows 4 - 10: Work even.
Row 11: Dec 1 st each side.
Rows 12 - 14: Work even.
Row 15: Dec 1 st at center.
Row 16: Work even.
Row 17: Change to robe color (white for angel, light blue for Mary, tan for Joseph). Knit across, cast on 3 sts.
Row 18: P across, cast on 3 sts.
Rows 19 - 25: Work even on 12 sts.
Row 26: Inc 1 each side.
Rows 27 - 31: Work even on 14 sts.
Row 32: Inc 1 each side.
Rows 33 - 43: Work even on 16 sts.
Row 44: Inc 1 each side.
Rows 45 - 49: Work even on 18 sts.
Row 50: Inc 1 each side.
Rows 51 - 58: Work even on 20 sts.
Row 59: Inc 1 each side.
Rows 60 - 67: Work even on 22 sts. Bind off.

BACK: Work as for front, changing to dark blue for Mary, brown for Joseph on row 17. Steam-press pieces lightly. Sew back to front, right sides out, leaving bottom open. Cut oval of white felt same size as bottom opening. Stuff figure, sew felt to bottom edge.

The fact that Mary, Joseph and the Angel all share the same basic body raises certain sticky theological issues. However, the anatomical correctness of a Holy Family should probably be left up to the conscience of the individual knitter.

MARY’S HOOD: With dark blue, cast on 15 sts. Work even in stockinette st for 44 rows. Bind off. Fold in half with cast-on and bound-off edges tog. Sew back seam, rounding off seam near fold to make hood round at top.

MARY’S ROBE (make 2 pieces for front): With dark blue, cast on 5 sts. Work even in stockinette st for 7 rows.
Row 8: Inc 1 st each side.
Rows 9 -18: Work even on 9 sts.
Row 19: Inc 1 st each side.
Rows 20 - 31: Work even on 11 sts.
Row 32: Inc 1 st each side.
Rows 33 - 43: Work even on 13 sts.
Row 44: Inc 1 st each side.
Rows 45 - 55: Work even on 15 sts.
Row 56: Inc 1 st each side.
Rows 57 - 60: Work even on 17 sts. Bind off. Steam press. Sew a piece to each side seam, leaving free at top, bottom and front edges. Sew hood to top of robe, gathering hood at back.

By the way, January 6 is also Befana Day in Italy.

I don’t care if she comes bearing gifts, I’d really rather La Befana doesn’t come flying through my window in the middle of the night. Let alone a whole horde of her!

SLEEVES: Cast on 16 sts (white for angel, dark blue for Mary, brown for Joseph). Work even in stockinette st for 10 rows.
Row 11: Dec 2 sts evenly across.
Rows 12 - 16: Work even on 14 sts.
Row 17: Repeat row 11.
Rows 18 - 22: Work even on 12 sts.
Row 23: Repeat row 11.
Rows 24 and 25: Work even on 10 sts. Bind off. Sew side seam; sew flat across top. Sew top to shoulder.

HANDS: With pink, cast on 6 sts. Work even for 10 rows.
Next Row: (K 2 tog) 3 times. Remove sts from needle, run yarn through sts, pull up and fasten. Sew side seam; tuck ends of yarn inside. Stuff sleeves at top, position hands and glue hands inside sleeves. Mary’s hands are glued tog in prayer. Joseph’s hands are glued to stick, Angel has one arm raised a bit.

Evidently Mary, realizing that God is lying in a cradle right in front of her, has chosen to point her praying hands down towards him. Joseph, on the other hand, is trying to start a fire with his wood... wooden staff!

Sheesh. Even when I'm trying not to be controversial, the theology just gets stickier... Oh, I give up. I'm so going to Hell.

ANGEL’S WINGS: With old gold, cast on 10 sts. Work in garter st (k each row) for 3 rows.
Row 4: Inc 1 st each side.
Rows 5 and 6: Work even on 12 sts.
Row 7: Bind off 4 sts, k across.
Rows 8 and 9: Work even on 8 sts.
Row 10: K across, cast on 6 sts.
Row 11: K across 14 sts.
Rows 12 - 16: Work even.
Row 17: Bind off 4 sts, k across.
Rows 18 and 19: Work even on 10 sts.
Row 20: K across, cast on 8 sts.
Row 21: K across 18 sts.
Rows 22 - 26: Work even. Bind off. Make another piece the same. Work 1 row sc around edge. Sew to angel’s back.

MANGER: With brown, cast on 16 sts. Work in garter st for 10 rows. Bind off. This is bottom piece. For short sides, cast on 16 sts. Work even for 10 rows. Bind off. For long sides, cast on 24 sts. Work even for 10 rows. Bind off. Sew 4 sides around bottom piece, join 4 sides at corner. Fill manger with pieces of yellow or gold yarn.

BABY: Back: With pink, cast on 4 sts. Work in stockinette st for 2 rows.
Row 3: Inc 1 st in row.
Rows 4 - 7: Work even on 5 sts.
Row 8: Dec 1 st in row. Cut pink.
Row 9: With white, cast on 6 sts, k across, cast on 6 sts.
Row 10: P across – 16 sts.
Rows 11 - 14: Work even.
Rows 15 and 16: Bind off 5 sts at beg of each row.
Rows 17 and 18: Work even on 6 sts.
Row 19: Inc 1 st each side.
Rows 20 - 28: Work even on 8 sts. Bind off.
Front: Work as for back through row 8.
Row 9: With white, cast on 2 sts, k across neck sts, cast on 2 sts. Work even on 8 sts until piece is same length as back. Bind off. Fold arms, sew edges tog for 4 sts from outer edge. Sew back and front tog, stuffing as you go. Sew over ends of arms with pink for hands.
Embroider hair with straight sts and a few French knots at front. See Contents for Stitch Details.

You could possibly figure out how to do a French Knot from this illustration, but the Kitchener Stitch diagram is beyond insane. Future archeologists will study this page, convinced we could bend space and time with nothing more than an embroidery needle.

FINISHING: Cut black felt circles for eyes, tiny blue circles for Baby’s eyes. Glue in place. Embroider mouths with red. For hair, place strands down back of head from top of head . Sew down at top of head. Place strands over these from side to side. Sew down center. Trim to desired length. Loop some front strands of angel’s hair into curls; tack in place. Loop some strands of yarn for Joseph’s beard; sew loops across chin.
Make halos from tinsel sticks. Sew to back of head. Make ties for Mary’s cape from strands of dark blue yarn. Run light blue yarn around angel’s neck; tie into bow at front. If desired, trim front edges of Mary’s cape with lace edging. Sew flower sequins to front of Mary’s robe. Sew gold leaves to bottom of Joseph’s robe. Sew gold flower sequins to front of Angel’s robe and wings. Sew gold rickrack around manger and tiny star sequins to front of Baby’s robe.

Gold rickrack and shiny gold star sequins? Wow, this Baby Jesus is quite the Diva. I guess we all know who he’ll grow up to be.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Merry Christmas!

Jesus and His Family from Crochet World Special Issue No. 6, 1984

Donna Jean Nyhus, the author of this pattern, writes:

“Little five year-old Paul was examining the Nativity set I had displayed for our family Christmas. With intense interest he studied the walnut shell that served as a crib for the Christ Child.”

OMG, Baby Jesus is sleeping in a walnut shell! That’s so unspeakably adorable!

But using matches for the legs of a flammable manger? I don’t think Smokey the Bear would approve.

“He never touched the figures of Mary and Joseph, but his expression moved each one a little closer to the Baby lying in the crib.”

Wow, young Paul’s got superpowers – he can move objects with his eyes!

“Unable to contain his concern another minute, he said, ‘Grandma, why don’t they pick Him up?’”

‘Because they’re terrified you’re going to wish them into the cornfield, grandson.’

I shouldn’t tease Paul on Christmas Day. Obviously, he’s a good boy who doesn’t touch Grandma’s crèche without permission. I was a bad girl who stole Jesus out of our Nativity set so he could go for camel rides with the Three Kings. Consequently, our Jesus has a few dents and dings now.

“That prompted my new Nativity set with flexible arms and a removeable Baby. Now both Mary and Joseph can hold the Child close, reminding Him that even though there was no room in the Inn, there’s room in their hearts!”

Awwwww! Hugs for everyone!

Even Smokey the Bear.

For the complete pattern (and more Christmas Love):

JESUS AND HIS FAMILY

By Donna Jean Nyhus

MATERIALS:
3-ply sport yarn: green, peach, black, blue
Crewel needle

A crewel needle, AKA an embroidery needle, has a longer eye. This allows you to use it with thicker threads and lightweight yarns.

Alas, not even the largest crewel needle eye will accommodate a camel.

Firm cardboard
2 sm shank buttons

Shank buttons have a little metal loop on their backs, instead of holes to sew them on. I’m assuming that the sweet little heart right in the middle of Baby Jesus’ baby blue romper is a shank button.

2 pipe cleaners
Plastic foam balls 2 – 1’’
Walnut shell
5 farmers matches

Farmers matches are just plain ol’ strike anywhere wooden matches. I don’t know if farmers still use them, but they’re popular with campers as they can survive a bit of water and still strike reliably. Joseph might actually have preferred a set of these instead of the myrrh.

After all, myrrh was traditionally used to anoint the bodies of dead kings, and was therefore a symbolic rather than a useful gift. Not to mention, the original downer Christmas gift.

“Uh, yeah, sorry your kid’s gonna sacrifice himself for the good of all humanity. Um, congratulations? Here, have some myrrh!”

Craft glue
Metallic gold chenille stem
Crochet hook size 0, 1 and 4

But let’s not dwell on that today. I’d rather go all mushy over the way Baby Jesus’ hair sticks straight up from his head. He’s so darn cute!

I’m SO making this crèche next Christmas!

HEAD

With size 4 hook and peach yarn, ch 2.
RND 1: 4 sc in 2nd ch from hook, do not join rnds.
RND 2: 2 sc in each st around. (8 st)
RND 3: * 2 sc in next st, sc in next st, rep from * around. (12 st)
RND 4: Sc in each st around.
RND 5: * Dec over next 2 st, rep from * until 6 st remain.
RND 6: Sl st in next st, and catch opposite side, at same time bringing Head tog in center. Fasten off.

I mean, who doesn’t love babies? Okay, maybe not King Herod. Wow, this holiday really has a dark side, doesn’t it?

But hey, look! Babies!

BODY

RND 8: With main color, attach yarn in sl st, ch 6, sl st in 1st ch.

No, I didn’t miss anything. This pattern jumps straight from RND 6 to RND 8.

But don’t let that dissuade you from attempting Donna Jean’s pattern. Remember, all you need is faith!

RND 9: Ch 1, 12 sc in ring. Join with sl st. (Buttonhole formed)
RND 10: * Ch 5, 2 sc in 2nd ch from hook, 2 sc in each of next 3 st, sl st in next 3 st on Body, rep from * around. Fasten off leaving enough yarn to secure Head to Body.

Wait, you mean the Body’s not already attached to the Head? There really is a missing seventh round?

In order to finish this pattern successfully, faith alone may not be enough. You may also need a miracle.

HAIR

With dark yarn: Fasten 4 strands to top of Head and cut short.

Good thing, ‘tis the season for miracles.

HALO

Fashion halo from gold metallic chenille stem by making a 1’’ circle leaving tail long enough to insert into Head.

I thoroughly approve of a dark haired Jesus. And the tinsel halo is hilarious, even if inserting it into his head is a bit disturbing and possibly blasphemous. Although, now I know why Baby Jesus’ hair is standing on end.

MARY AND JOSEPH

HEAD

With 0 hook and tan yarn, ch 2.

RND 1: 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook, do not join rnds.
RNDS 2 & 3: 2 sc in each st around.
RNDS 4 – 6: Sc in each st around.
RND 7: * Dec over next 2 st, rep from * until 16 st remain.
RND 8: Insert foam ball and sc next 2 st tog until 9 st remain.
RND 9: Sc in each of the 9 st, sl st in next st. Fasten off. Attach body color.

BODY

RND 9: Ch 1, sc in same st, 2 sc in each st around. (18 st)

Oh my. This time we end with Round 9, and then start right up again with another Round 9. At least the instructions seem to make sense, if you ignore the numbering system.

RND 10 – 12: Sc in each st around.
RND 13: * Sc in next st, 2 sc in next st, rep from * around.
RND 14: Sc in each st around.
RND 15: Sk 6 st, sc in next 6 st, sk 6 st, sc in next 6 st.
RND 16: 2 sc in each sc around.

MARY:

RNDS 17 – 31: Sc in each st around, sl st in last st. (Mark beginning of rnds.)

Isn’t it a bit late to tell us to start marking the beginning of our rounds NOW? Surely that’s an instruction that would have been a lot more handy before Round 9, when even Donna Jean lost count.

Oh well, mind-bending assembly instructions are a Christmas tradition, right?

RND 32: In BACK LPS: * Dec over next 2 st, sc in next st, rep from * around. Do not fasten off.

JOSEPH:

RNDS 17 – 33: Rep Rnd 17 of Mary.
RND 34: Rep Rnd 32 of Mary.

ARMS

Arms are made in one piece; the end represent the Hands.
With tan, ch 25.

Hey, I just noticed that Tan yarn isn’t included in the list of required colours at the beginning. Still, I’m not complaining. It’s a much better skin tone for our Middle Eastern family than Peach would have been.

And thank goodness none of them are Pink!

RND 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 & 3: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. Fasten off after Rnd 3, leaving long end for sewing.
Lay a pipe cleaner on work and draw piece together around cleaner.
Bend pipe cleaner in half. Push one end of Arm through Sleeve opening, push folded center up into Neck. Pull Arm back through other Sleeve opening. Stuff Body firmly, working around the pipe cleaner in the Bodice. Insert a 1 1/2’’ circle of cardboard in Bottom.

BOTTOM OF BODY: RND 33: (Mary) * Dec over next 2 st, sc in next 3 st, rep from * until 1/4’’ hole remains. Fasten off; but do not close.

RND 35: (JOSEPH) Repeat Rnd 33 for Mary.

Hey, how come Joseph gets ALL CAPS, while Mary is relegated to lowercase letters? I know she’s meek and mild, but c’mon, she just gave birth today! She deserves more respect!

STAND

MARY

That’s better!

In FRONT LPS of RND 31: Join yarn, ch 3, dc in same st, 2 dc in each st around, sl st to beginning ch-3. Fasten off.

JOSEPH

Rep Stand as for Mary’s in Rnd 33.

Of course, it’s completely understandable that Joseph might need the ego boost of ALL CAPS.

FINISHING

Stitch Arms to Sleeves. With double strand of contrasting yarn: thread through sts at Waistline. For Mary: tie Belt in bow, leaving long tails. For Joseph: tie loosely in a knot.

Embroider Face and attach Hair.

Wait, don’t attach the hair yet! There’s more hair instructions to come.

Sew button to front of Bodice: one on Mary, one on Joseph. Attach Baby Jesus to button and position Arms.

Ah ha! Baby Jesus is buttoned to Mary’s chest. While I admire the ingenuity of the design, I do wonder what little five-year-old Paul’s opinion was.

“Grandma? Why’d you put a big hole in Baby Jesus?”

HAIR

Cut cardboard piece 3’’ wide for Mary’s longer Hair; 2’’ wide for Joseph’s Hair. Wrap yarn around cardboard 20 times. With threaded needle, sew strands loosely together before removing cardboard. Cut along one side; position on head, so that sewed line become center part. Sew onto Head securely.

Pull Mary’s Hair back, and tie with same color yarn as Belt.

Sew Joseph’s Hair around Head at base of skull.

I’m completely in love with Joseph’s long hippie hair and cool Seventies ‘Tash.

It’s just the thing to wear to church on Christmas Day!

CRIB

Make Crib by crossing 2 matches at center, with burned tips at top.

I presume this means you should light all the matches and blow them out before you use them as a crib support. Probably a good plan. It’d be a real shame if Baby Jesus’s crib accidentally burned down the house on Christmas Day.

Rep for other 2 matches. Glue at crossing. Glue 5th match between forks of crosses at bottom. Allow to dry thoroughly. Glue walnut shell to V, formed by Stand. Fill with shredded yarn for hay.

Shredded hay and matches! I was right, Smokey the Bear would close down this crèche as a fire hazard.

Have yourself a Very Safe and Very Merry Christmas, with song, good food, family and friends!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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This is Not a Christmas Stocking!

Christmas Stocking from Mon Tricot Knit & Crochet, December 1975

Because no one in their right mind would hang up this travesty on Christmas Eve!

For those of you not in your right mind, let me break it to you gently. Disco Santa isn’t real. He will not be doing the hustle down your chimney in a red polyester leisure suit. And no matter how good you’ve been, the real Santa’s not going to fill the above stocking with pet rocks, CB radios, and a Burt Reynolds centerfold.

But V.D., you protest, people in the 1970s believed in Disco Santa. Shouldn’t we respect their beliefs?

Absolutely not! People in the seventies were brainwashed by evil interior decorators into colouring their world in yowling yellow and obnoxious orange. James Lileks wrote it, I believe it, and that settles it.

So, if you want your Christmas stocking to gladden Santa’s heart, you better choose a more modern crochet pattern.

sob

For the complete travesty pattern:

Christmas Stocking

materials

RUG YARN: Nineteen 50 gr. balls of Tapis Pingouin (28 yards per 50 gr. ball) distributed as follows: Seven 50 gr. balls in Red: Seven 50 gr. balls in Orange: Five 50 gr. balls in Yellow.

I’m surprised the designer actually allowed Christmassy red in this stocking. Although, to experience a real 1970s Christmas, you’ll have to ditch the red and go with avocado green.

See group Novelty Yarns on page 7.

Tapis Pingouin no longer exists, and I hardly think you need a list of thirteen other extinct Bulky Novelty Yarns.

Crochet Hook size Q.

sizes

Height: 29”

Length of sole:17”

Sadly, many Pingouins were hunted into extinction during the 1970s.

stitches used: 1. Chain (ch). 2. Slip Stitch (sl st). 3. Single Crochet (sc). (See basic stitches on page 8).

Sorry, I forgot to scan page 8. I was too choked up by my memories of baby Pingouins being clubbed to death just so disco divas could crochet with rug yarn.

4. Striped Single Crochet: work *3 rows Red: 3 rows Orange: 3 rows Yellow*.

The bizarre use of colons throughout this pattern makes me feel kinda bad for picking on Grace Burrell’s abuse of semi-colons.

BTW, please take my word for it and don’t search colon abuse on Google Images.

OUR ADVICE

To give a good support to the boot, slip a cardboard inside, cut in the same shape as the crocheted sole.

MY ADVICE.

Cut cardboard first, then slip cardboard inside the boot. Unless you really want to spend Christmas wrapped up in bandages.

directions

With Red chain 60 and work in Striped Single Crochet, shaping the chevrons on every row as follows: *4 sc, 2 sc in next st, 4 sc, skip 1 st, repeat from * across. Chain 1 to turn and skip the first st.

Work 39 rows even. Then with Orange for instep, chain 5 at beg. and end of next row and work even the 2nd and 3rd rows.

Next row: With Yellow, pick up 4 sts on the 2 previous Orange rows and with Yellow work the 2nd and 3rd rows shaping one chevron.

On first Red row, chain 5 at beg. and end of row. With Red work 2nd and 3rd rows.

On first Orange row, with Orange pick up 4 sts on the 2 previous Red rows, and with Orange work the 2nd and 3rd rows shaping one chevron.

Thank goodness, the pattern editor took the time to capitalize the names of the colours!

With Yellow work next 3 rows even. With Red work next 3 rows even.

Next row: with Orange: leave unworked 4 sts at beg. and end of row: with Orange work 2 more rows. Fasten off.

Whereas, taking the time to count the rows – instead of providing multiple 2nd, 3rd, and Next rows – well, that wouldn’t have been useful at all.

sole

With Orange chain 8. Work sc increasing 1 st at beg. and end of row, every other row (6 times).

Work 11 rows Orange: 13 rows Red: 15 rows Orange. At same time beginning on 12th row, decrease 2 sts every other row (twice). Fasten off.

It’s possible that snarking at vintage patterns is naughty, but I’m not worried about getting coal in my stocking. I have it on very good authority that Santa now supports coal-free Christmases.

finishing:

To close the boot, (wrong side facing), with Red work 1 row sl st inserting hook through both thicknesses. (right side facing) with Yellow, work 1 row sl st to hide the seam. Sew sole to boot. With Red chain 16 inserting the first st in the top at the back of boot and work 1 row sl st on these ch-16. Join with sl st to first ch.

Now hang your retro 1970s stocking if you dare!

Just remember, if you inspire Santa to go to a disco, you’ll be responsible for breaking a lot of kiddies’ hearts on Christmas morn.

Click here for the printable pattern.

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