Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Silent Night, Deadly Night

The Workbasket, December 1983

Create a chorus of pine cone carolers for “singing” around your Christmas tree.
“Singing” is in quotes because clearly this caroller is “screaming”. Because nothing says Winter Solstice like terrifying crafts.

This merry masterpiece was inspired by the ancient pagan tradition of sacrificing frozen carollers to ensure the return of the sun. Revellers would then impale the decapitated heads on pine cones, and hang them on their Solstice tree!

No, it’s true, I read all about it on the interwebs.
For the complete pattern (and more horror!):

For each caroler you will need scraps of red and green felt, a medium sized cotton ball, a pipe cleaner, a pine cone of any size, 2 blue sequins for eyes and 1 red for mouth, a small gold pearl, small pins, white glue and a polystyrene ball. Be sure to select a pine cone that is flat on bottom so that caroler isn’t wobbly.
Carollers should only be wobbly after they’ve drunk all your wassail, not before.

Using given pattern, cut hat and shawl from felt. Glue cotton ball to hat, let dry.
Trust me, cotton balls glued onto circles of green felt look exactly like Victorian top hats.

If you can’t see the clear resemblance, you clearly haven’t eaten enough delicious Rum Balls.
The size of the polystyrene ball selected for head should be chosen according to pine cone size. Using small pins, position sequins and gold pearl for face. Set aside.
The ceremonial importance of the nose being gold has been lost in the mists of time. Nevertheless, do not mess with tradition! One slip up, and you’ll be condemned to twelve months of flood, famine, and ill-fitting thermal underwear.
Wrap pipe cleaner around small end of pine cone, forming arms.
See photo to ensure that the arms are properly positioned to illustrate the caroller’s terrified supplication to the merciless Elder Gods.

With straight end of crochet hook make small hole in center of bottom of polystyrene ball. Fill hole with white glue and press onto center part of pine cone. Glue felt hat to ball, leaving a brim.
All good pagans own a crochet hook. It doesn’t need to be included in the materials list.

Finally, attach shawl by wrapping around pine cone and drawing one end through slit, pull up tight. Let dry for about 2 hours.
One man’s shawl is another man’s scarf. Be sure to make it of red fabric as it symbolizes the ritual beheading of the carollers at midnight. Then, cookies and milk for everyone!
If desired, cut songbook from gold or silver cardboard using pattern. Position in carolers’ arms.
Now kick back and enjoy your new decorations, while munching on a gingerbread man. Be sure to leave his head for last, so Gingy’s screams will drown out those annoying carollers who’ve temporarily escaped Cthulhu’s grasping tentacles.

Click here for the Printable Pattern.


  1. I just discovered your blog via a Ravelry pattern for a 1940s serviceman's scarf. Looking through your Christmas posts is cracking me up -- the decorative 1970s bunker pillows, the Hannukah UFOs......

    I'm happily subscribing and look forward to future posts.

  2. Happy New Year, Victoria! I will be looking forward to more of your delightful snark in 2012.

  3. Jacki, it's wonderful to meet you! I hope you enjoy the new posts this year.

    Pat, my goal is to post far more regularly - at least over the school year AKA, the Snarkiest Season.