It’s Almost National Sweater Day!

Sherbet Sweater Pattern (Lea 067) from Laine Dor Yarns, Montreal, c. 1985

On Thursday, February 9th, the World Wildlife Fund is asking everyone in northern climes to turn down the heat and wear a sweater to slow global warming and save the Earth. According to their Sweater Day website: “If every Canadian lowered the heat a few degrees this winter, it'd be like taking 300,000 vehicles off the road!”

True, wearing a sweater one day of the year isn’t likely to slow down the coming weather apocalypse. Still, it’s a nice idea, so in honour of this year’s Sweater Day, I give you a pattern straight from the sweater-iest decade of the last century – the 1980s!

Also known as the sweatiest decade.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

The first thing I noticed upon opening the pattern leaflet was that the directions inside were for a sweater with vertical stripes. Before I could panic, as the sweater pictured clearly had horizontal stripes, a scrap of paper floated out of the booklet.

***************************************************
THIS IS THE CORRECT PATTERN. THE PATTERN PREPRINTED IN THIS LEAFLET BELONGS TO LEA062.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE THIS MAY HAVE CAUSED.

***************************************************

Excuse me, but vertical instead of horizontal stripes are far more than just an inconvenience! My mother warned me that vertical stripes will make me look taller, and that men are intimidated by tall women.

An All-Caps Apology certainly isn’t going to make up for the fact that they’ve just tricked me into buying the striped sweater of spinsterhood!

LEA 067 SWEATER WITH HORIZONTAL STRIPES

No, that’s not intended to be a link. The pattern designer was very fond of the underline key on her manual typewriter.

Spinsters have to make their own fun somehow.

Instructions: For all sizes

Materials: 450 grams (16oz) col A and 50 grams (2oz) of col B & C. In Laine Dor Sherbert

Yes, you read that right. It’s Sherbert, not Sherbet which is French for … well, Sherbert. However, in a move calculated to make pure laine francophones everywhere weep, the company’s called Laine Dor, not d’Or.

Still, you can’t deny they made pretty wool, even if it’s not actually spun “of gold” (d’Or). It’s a shame the company doesn’t appear to have survived the eighties.

Needles: Susan Nates size 7.00 (Am size 10 ½) – or size required to obtain gauge and size 5.00 (Am size 8)

Gauge: 15 sts and 18 rows 10 cm (4’’)

I wonder if leaving the equals sign out of their gauge had something to do with Laine Dor’s demise.

To save time: Take time to check gauge.

Front & Back: (Worked form one cuff to the other)

Or substituting “form” for “from”.

With No. 5.00 needles, and col A, cast on 31 sts and work 2 ½’’ in k1 P1 ribbing.

Randomly capitalizing letters couldn’t have helped their stock market standing.

Change to size 7.00 needles and cont in st st inc 17 sts evenly spaced across 1st row. Work 18 sts A, 6 sts col B in rev st st and 24 sts col A. Inc 1 st at ea edge every 2nd row until work meas 22’’.

Normally, I leave all the typos in, because they’re hilarious. In this case, however, “Inc 1st at ea edge” seemed unnecessarily confusing so I added the all important st so it was clear you were increasing stitches.

Feel free to thank me by going back in time and buying me stock in MTV.

At the same time, when work meas 8 ½’’, position second stripe of 6 sts in col C, rev st st, 10 sts from 1st stripe.

This is why you should always read the entire pattern. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself picking a sweater apart from 22’’ back down to 8 ½''.

Is that weeping I hear? Women in the eighties did not weep!

They got physical!

When work meas 14 ½’’, position 3rd stripe of 6 sts in col C, rev st st, 12 sts from 2nd stripe. When work meas 20 ½’’ position 4th stripe of 6 sts in col C, rev st st, 14 sts from 3rd stripe. Cont in this pattern. When work meas 22’’, inc 18 sts at ea edge. Work even until work meas 26 ½’’. To shape neck, divide work in half (back and front). For the back, work even for 10’’. For the front, at neck edge, every 2nd row, dec 1 st 3 times. End 1st stripe. Work even for 7 ½’’, then, every 2nd row at neck edge, inc 1 st 3 times. Join back and front and work even for 4 ½’’. Dec 18 sts at ea edge. To shape sleeve, every 2nd row, dec 1 st at ea edge until work measures 24’’ join.

Just when I’ve gotten comfortable with “meas” for “measures”, they hit me with the whole word.

Good patterns like to keep you off balance like that. Every sentence is a new adventure, a new mystery.

For instance, what exactly does “dec 1 st at ea edge until work measures 24’’ join” mean? 24’’ from what? Join to what? It’s all so exciting!

At the same time, when work meas 6 ½’’ from neck, end 2nd stripe, when work meas 12 ½’’ from neck end 3rd stripe, when work meas 18 ½’’ from neck end 4th stripe, when work measures 24’’ from join…

Ah, they meant 24’’ from join. Those little prepositions are so important.

… sec 17 sts evenly spaced across next row. Change to size 5.00 needles and work 2 ½’’ in k1 P1 ribbing. Bind off.

No, that’s not “secure 17 sts”, although that’s how I first read it, too. It’s just “dec 17 sts” with an s substituted for d to keep things lively.

Finishing: Join sleeve and sid seams.

Abbreviations can be taken too far, however. Would it really have been so hard to write “side”?

With size 5.00 circular needles…

It's so considerate of the pattern designers not to mention circular needles in the materials list. For good health, you need to break up knitting sessions with exercise like running unexpected errands or tearing your hair out.

…and col A, pick up approx 72 sts around bottom border and work 3’’ in ks P2 ribbing. Bind off. With size 5.00 circular needles and col A pick up approx 36 sts around neck edge at work 1’’ in garter st. (k all rows). Bind off.

Pick up approx 36 sts around neck edge at… At what? What??

Oh well, at least the handy ABBREVIATIONS key will be helpful in figuring out all the “ea”s and “col”s and “meas”s.

ABBREVIATIONS: no. – numéro, pt – point, env – envers, endr – endroit, rep – répéter, m – mailles, rg (s) – rang (s), trav – travailler, term – terminer, aug – augmenter, ch – chaque, proch – prochain, comm – commencer, gl – glisser, rab – rabattre, cont – continuer, rel – relever, aig – aiguille, dim – diminuer.

Unless, for no apparent reason, the ABBREVIATIONS are provided in French.

NOTE: Be sure to buy sufficient yarn of each colour in the same dye lot number to complete the article.

The directions in this leaflet are carefully checked and rechecked to assure accuracy.

Yes, that’s assure accuracy. Because Laine Dor definitely didn’t check to ensure accuracy.

We cannot, however, be responsible for typographical errors or misinterpretations of instructions.

If by some chance our many typographical errors lead to a misinterpretation of the instructions, it’s your fault, not ours.

With this dedication to customer service, it’s shocking that Laine Dor’s still not around. Oh well, at least I’ll always have this misshapen, incorrectly striped sweater to remember them by.

Happy Sweater Day!

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Happy New Year!

The Workbasket, December, 1983

Elegance for Evening

Perfect for the holidays! The black sport weight yarn creates skyscrapers against a sparkling sky of metallic yarn.

Ah, the eighties! When the smoggy sky literally sparkled with volatile organic compounds. Every New Year was greeted with the festive sound of Grandpa’s emphysema acting up as he tried to sing Auld Lang Syne with the family. After Grandpa’s oxygen treatment, everyone would run outside to dance gaily in the acid rain until the hairspray in Mom’s hair caught fire.

Yes, hearken back to that halcyon yesteryear with an elegant sweater depicting a pollution-blackened cityscape.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Directions are given for small (finished bust measurement: 36 inches) with changes for medium (38 inches) and large (40 inches) in parentheses. You will need 3 (4,5) ounces sport yarn, 3 ounces metallic yarn and a size G crochet hook (or size required for gauge). Use double strand of metallic throughout.

Shoulder pads are highly recommended, unless you’re into having your shoulders rubbed raw by metallic thread. Yes, looking like a linebacker really did have a practical purpose in that synthetic era.

Gauge: 9 sts equal 2 inches
5 rows equal 2 inches

Five rows of sport weight yarn every two inches? If you want to complete this project before the December 2012 apocalypse, you’d best start now. Don’t you want a sweater that will match the burning ruins of your hometown?

TO SAVE TIME, TAKE TIME TO CHECK GAUGE.

Ooh… catchy phrasing! So much better than the usual all-caps gauge warnings. This needs to be part of a poster campaign.

Note: Sweater is worked sideways. Rows are worked back and forth from waist to neckline.

FRONT: With black, ch 81 (87, 93).
Row 1: Dc in 4th ch from hook and in each of next 35 (41, 47) ch, join metallic, dc in next 42 ch, ch 3, turn – 78 (84, 90) sts.
Sweater is worked entirely in dc, with no shaping. Directions will be for number of sts and color only. Diagram will further clarify. Ch 3 and turn at end of each row. Ch 3 at end of row always counts as first dc of next row.

A fetish for counting stitches helps!

Count von Count makes all his own clothes.

Row 2: 42 Metallic, 36 (42, 48) black.
Row 3: 46 (52, 58) Black, 32 metallic.

Note: All even rows are worked with same number of stitches in same color as preceding row.
Row 5: 42 (48, 54) Black, 36 metallic.
Row 7: 32 (38, 44) Black, 46 metallic.
Row 9: 55 (61, 67) Black, 23 metallic.
Row 11: 37 (43, 49) Black, 41 metallic.
Row 13: 52 (58, 64) Black, 26 metallic.
Row 15: 35 (41, 47) Black, 43 metallic.
Row 17: 29 (35, 41) Black, 49 metallic.
Row 19: 43 (49, 55) Black, 35 metallic.
Row 21: 62 (68, 74) Black, 16 metallic.
Row 23: 37 (43, 49) Black, 41 metallic.
Row 25: 48 (54, 60) Black, 30 metallic.
Row 27: 36 (42, 48) Black, 42 metallic.
Row 29: 54 (60, 66) Black, 24 metallic.
Row 31: 32 (38, 44) Black, 46 metallic.
Row 33: 27 (33, 39) Black, 51 metallic.
Row 35: 43 (49, 55) Black, 35 metallic.
Row 37: 50 (56, 62) Black, 28 metallic.
Row 39: 39 (45, 51) Black, 39 metallic.
Row 41: 33 (39, 45) Black, 45 metallic.
Row 43: 59 (65, 71) Black, 19 metallic.
Row 45: 44 (60, 66) Black, 34 metallic.

Hopefully you haven’t sunk too far into a haze of “Vun, two, tree, ha-ha-ha!” because there’s a mistake in the forty-fifth row. Do you see it? Here’s a hint… all the other rows add up to 78 (84, 90) sts across. You’ll be fine if you’re crocheting a small size sweater, but you’re going to run into trouble if you’re trying to make a medium or large size.

I suspect it’s not a mistake, but instead a diabolical plot to make us all regret overindulging this holiday season. Only small sized people and muppets get a pass as they can’t hold their eggnog anyway.

Fasten off for small size. For medium, repeat rows 1 through 4. For large, repeat rows 1 through 8. Back is worked exactly the same as front. Sew 3 ½ inch shoulder seams. Sew side seams leaving 7 (7 ½, 8) inch opening for arms. Work 2 rnds dc around sleeve openings, join, fasten off. At waist, beginning at side seams, work 4 rnds dc, join, fasten off.

And tah-dah! You are now the proud owner of an authentic Eighties sweater. Add a bottle of hairspray and some legwarmers, and you’ll be all set to party hardy until the Police show up.

Click here for the Printable Pattern.

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Silent Night, Deadly Night

The Workbasket, December 1983

Create a chorus of pine cone carolers for “singing” around your Christmas tree.

“Singing” is in quotes because clearly this caroller is “screaming”. Because nothing says Winter Solstice like terrifying crafts.

This merry masterpiece was inspired by the ancient pagan tradition of sacrificing frozen carollers to ensure the return of the sun. Revellers would then impale the decapitated heads on pine cones, and hang them on their Solstice tree!

No, it’s true, I read all about it on the interwebs.

For the complete pattern (and more horror!):

For each caroler you will need scraps of red and green felt, a medium sized cotton ball, a pipe cleaner, a pine cone of any size, 2 blue sequins for eyes and 1 red for mouth, a small gold pearl, small pins, white glue and a polystyrene ball. Be sure to select a pine cone that is flat on bottom so that caroler isn’t wobbly.

Carollers should only be wobbly after they’ve drunk all your wassail, not before.

Using given pattern, cut hat and shawl from felt. Glue cotton ball to hat, let dry.

Trust me, cotton balls glued onto circles of green felt look exactly like Victorian top hats.

If you can’t see the clear resemblance, you clearly haven’t eaten enough delicious Rum Balls.

The size of the polystyrene ball selected for head should be chosen according to pine cone size. Using small pins, position sequins and gold pearl for face. Set aside.

The ceremonial importance of the nose being gold has been lost in the mists of time. Nevertheless, do not mess with tradition! One slip up, and you’ll be condemned to twelve months of flood, famine, and ill-fitting thermal underwear.

Wrap pipe cleaner around small end of pine cone, forming arms.

See photo to ensure that the arms are properly positioned to illustrate the caroller’s terrified supplication to the merciless Elder Gods.

With straight end of crochet hook make small hole in center of bottom of polystyrene ball. Fill hole with white glue and press onto center part of pine cone. Glue felt hat to ball, leaving a brim.

All good pagans own a crochet hook. It doesn’t need to be included in the materials list.

Finally, attach shawl by wrapping around pine cone and drawing one end through slit, pull up tight. Let dry for about 2 hours.

One man’s shawl is another man’s scarf. Be sure to make it of red fabric as it symbolizes the ritual beheading of the carollers at midnight. Then, cookies and milk for everyone!

If desired, cut songbook from gold or silver cardboard using pattern. Position in carolers’ arms.

Now kick back and enjoy your new decorations, while munching on a gingerbread man. Be sure to leave his head for last, so Gingy’s screams will drown out those annoying carollers who’ve temporarily escaped Cthulhu’s grasping tentacles.

Click here for the Printable Pattern.


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How the Grinch Stole Christmas Snowflakes

Snowflake Mobile from Crochet World Omnibook Christmas Special, 1980

This photo is stark warning to us all. Don’t leave your Snowflake mobile unguarded for a single second this holiday season. Otherwise, the Grinch will leave nothing but hooks and some wire.

SNOWFLAKE MOBILE By Betty Leach

Hey, this is the same Betty who brought us the Happy Hanukkah UFO! So, by all means make both crafts to decorate your child’s nursery for ChristKwanukkah.

No? Hanumaszaa?

Kwanukkamas?

Hey, you’re not going to trick me into saying anything dangerous like Happy Holidays.

What could be more fun to make than a Christmas mobile?

Seriously? What could be more fun than suspending flimsy thread snowflakes from a crochet covered Cuban cigar?

Well, Betty, since you asked, I’d have more fun making Tuna Can Santa, Flat Santa and my personal favourite, Undead Santa. Plus I could sleep peacefully at night knowing that these Christmas Crafts would teach my kiddies the Timeless Truth that Santa Claus is Real!

Whereas your Snowflake mobile will convince my children that snowflakes come from the Big Pompon in the Sky thus destroying any chance of them getting into MIT and supporting me when I’m old and crocheting crotchety Christmas crafts.

Thanks for asking!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

SNOWFLAKE MOBILE
By Betty Leach
Snowflakes are the dangling objects ‘d’ art of this design.

According to the dictionary, Objets d’art are objects with artistic value. Whereas, objects ‘d’ art are objects which end up on Regretsy.

MATERIALS: 1 4-oz. skein 4-ply yarn in red and small amount of white; gold cord; pipe cleaners; white glue and straight pins; size I crochet hook; Knit-Cro-Sheen and size 8 crochet hook; Susan Bates Jumbo Pompon maker; 1 9’’ Styrofoam ring.

Because Susan Bates knows you can’t be trusted to make your own pompons.

COVER FOR RING: With I hook and red yarn, ch 18, dc in 3rd ch from hook, dc in remaining ch sts. ch 3, turn.
R 2: Dc in first dc and remaining dcs, working in back loops only. DC in top of turning ch – 15 dc, counting ch 3 as first dc. Ch 3, turn.
R 3: Repeat row 2 for 32 rows. Sl st first and last rows together to form ring. End off.
Place crocheted ring around Styrofoam ring and whipstitch edges together on inside of ring.

HANGING CORDS: Leave a 6’’ length of yarn, with red ch 61, end off leaving 6’’ length. Go back to center of ch, leave 6’’ length, join yarn in center ch and ch 30. End off, leaving 6’’ length. Take the 3 6’’ lengths and sew evenly spaced around edges of crocheted ring.

Turns out I owe Betty an apology. She didn’t hang her snowflakes from an ugly crochet-covered cigar as the photo led me to believe. She hung them from an ugly crochet-wrapped Styrofoam ring.

My bad!

POMPON
Make according to directions with red yarn, making one 4 ½’’ pompon. Or you made use a piece of heavy cardboard cut 4 ½’’ wide, winding yarn around cardboard 212 times.
Take top 6’’ length of hanging cord and tie securely to bottom of pompon. Take a 24’’ length of gold cord and tie to top of pompon, tie a knot at the end of gold cord to hang from ceiling hook.

FINISHING: Attach snowflakes with thread or fine gold cord around crocheted ring, hanging them at different lengths. Make bows from gold cord and attach with glue or pins to edge of crocheted ring, spacing them evenly around.

Pins? This certainly isn’t a toy for children.

Unless they’re on Santa’s naughty list.

Make candy caned by dipping pipe cleaner in white glue, take one strand of red and one strand of white yarn, holding the yarn together wrap around pipe cleaner. Let glue dry, cut pipe cleaner in half, end one end cane, tie bow at crook. Attach to edge of disk with glue or pins.

Dipping the entire pipe cleaner into white glue is a bit excessive. You better show more restraint than Betty did, or you won’t have enough white glue left over to finish your granny square cube.

FINISHING OF ALL SNOWFLAKES
Use liquid starch full strength, dip snowflakes into starch until they are thoroughly saturated. Squeeze out excess starch, pin snowflake into shape on flat surface and let dry completely. When dry, remove pins and run a length of thread through any top loop to form hanger.

MATERIALS: Knit Cro-Sheen, No.8 crochet hook.

No.1 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 8, join to form ring.
R 1: Ch 3, 4 dc in ring, * make popcorn stitch over those 5 dc. To make popcorn stitch remove hook from last dc made, insert hook into top loop of first dc and into last dc, thread over hook and draw through. Ch 5, repeat from * 4 times, repeating, ending with ch 3 and dc in top of first popcorn st.
R 2: * Ch 10, sl st in 3rd st from hook, ch 7, sl st in 3rd ch from hook, ch 7, sl st in 3rd ch from hook. Sl st in 1st ch 3 picot. Ch 7, sc in same space. Ch 5, sc in next space *. Repeat from * to * around. Ch 5, join with sl st to starting ch 10. End off.

Yes, this is merely Snowflake No. 1 out of 10! Now, other bloggers would try to fool you into believing there were only three variations of snowflakes and spend the rest of her leisure time watching TV and eating bonbons.

These deceptive bloggers are known in the blogging biz as sane, rational adults.

No.2 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 8, join with sl st.
R 1: * ch 7, sc in ring. Repeat from * 9 times. Join with sl st in base of first loop.
R 2: Sl st to center ch of first loop, sc in loop, * ch 9, sc in next loop. Repeat from * around. Join last ch 9 to first sc. End off.
R 3: Join thread in any ch 9 loop. * Ch 4, work a 5 trc cluster in loop. Ch 8, sc in 3rd ch from hook, * ch 3, sc in first sc. Repeat from * once.

I’m not sure if you’re supposed to repeat from the * before Ch 4 or the * before Ch 3. I suggest you do both just to be safe.

Ch 5, work another 5 trc cluster in same loop. Ch 7, sc in next loop. Ch 3, sc in same sc (picot made). * Ch 7, sc in next loop. Repeat from first * around. End with picot, ch 7 and join to bottom of first trc. End off.

No.3 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 6, join to form ring.
R 1: Ch 3, work 11 dc in ring, join to top of ch 3 – (12 dc).
R 2: * Ch 7, skip 1 dc, sc in next. Repeat from * around. End with sl st in base of first ch.
R 3: * 4 sc in first loop, ch 14, sl st in 3rd ch from hook. Ch 7, sl st in first sl st, ch 3, sl st back to first sl st. Ch 11, 4 sc in same loop. Ch 5, sl st back to 3rd ch from hook. Ch 2, repeat from * around. Join with sl st in first sc. End off.

Whoa, Betty likes overusing the * as much as she revels in overusing glue.

When will people realizing that asterisk abuse is a gateway to comma crime, semi-colon sins and the exploitation of exclamation marks!!!!!

No.4 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 6, join to form ring.
R 1: Ch 3, 17 dc in ring, join to top of ch 3 – 18 dc.
R 2: Ch 3, 2 dc in joining space, ch 2, 3 dc in next dc. * Ch 3, skip 1 dc, 3 dc in next dc, ch 2, 3 dc in next dc. Repeat from * around. End ch 2, sc in top of first ch 3.
R 3: Ch 15, sc in 3rd ch from hook, * ch 3, sc in next ch. Repeat from * to base of ch 15. Ch 1, turn, work ch 3 picots up opposite of ch 15. Join with sl st to top picot. End off.
R 4: Join thread in next ch 3 space. Repeat R 3.
R 5: Repeat R 3 and R 4 around. Twist each spoke after starching and let dry thoroughly.

No.5 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 8, join to form ring.
R 1: Ch 3, * dc in ring. Repeat from * 11 times. Join to top of ch 3.
R 2: * Ch 5, sc in next dc. Repeat from * around. Join in first ch of first loop.
R 3: Sl st to center ch of first loop. * Ch 7, sc in 3rd ch from hook. Repeat from * 6 times. Sl st in sc of first picot, ch 4, sc in loop. Sc in next ch 5 loop, (ch 3, sc in same loop) 3 times. Sc in next loop. Repeat from * around. Join with a sl st to first sl st of previous row. End off.

Or maybe all of these *’s aren’t really asterisks. Perhaps, Betty sees them as typographical snowflakes, turning her instructions into a Winter Wonderland.

Bloody annoying, either way.

No.6 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 5, join in first ch to form ring.
R 1: * Ch 10, sl st in ring *, repeat from * to * 4 times.
R 2: * Sl st to ch 10 loop. Work 15 sc in loop *. Repeat from * to * for each loop. Join in first sl st. End off.
R 3: Join in 7th sc of first loop. * Ch 15, work sl st in 3rd ch from hook for picot. Ch 12, skip 1 sc, sc in next sc, ch 8, sl st in 3rd ch from hook for picot. Ch 5 sc in 7th sc of next loop *. Repeat from * to * around, ending ch 5, sl st in joining. End off.

No.7 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 10, sl st to first ch to form ring.
R 1: Work 15 sc in ring, join with sl st in first sc.
R 2: Ch 3, 2 dc in same space as sl st, * ch 3, skip 2 sc, 3 dc in next sc *. Repeat from * to * around – 5 dc groups. Join with sl st to top of first ch 3.
R 3: Sl st to ch 3 space, ch 9, sl st in 3rd ch from hook for picot. Ch 8, sl st in 3rd ch from hook for picot. * Ch 3, sl st to base of last picot made. Repeat from * to * once.

Great, now we’re missing asterisks in these instructions. I’m beginning to understand why the snowflakes in the photo appeared… how do I put it nicely? Malformed? Misshapen? Misfits?

Misfits! That’s what these snowflakes are.

Ch 8, sl st in 3rd ch from hook (picot), ch 6, sc in ch 3 space. Repeat from beginning of round 4 times. Sl st in first sl st. End off.

Everyone sing together!

We’re on the Island of Misfit Flakes
Here we will melt away
We want to snow
On Santa Claus
And ice up his magical sleigh!

No.8 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 6, dc in first ch. * Ch 3, dc in same ch *. Repeat from * to * 4 times – 6 loops. Join to top of ch 3.
R 1: * Sl st to loop, ch 7, sc in same loop, ch 7, sc in same loop *. Repeat from * to * 5 times – 12-ch 7 loops. Join with sl st to first sl st. End off.
R 2: Join to top of any ch 7 loop with sl st. * Ch 4 (for first trc), work 3 trc, ch 7, 3 trc in loop. Ch 7, skip 1 loop. Repeat from * to * 5 times. Join to top of first trc.
R 3: * Sl st to ch 7 loop. (Ch 3, sl st in loop) 3 times. Ch 15, sl st in 5th ch from hook, ch 10, sl st in same ch 7 loop. (Ch 3, sl st in loop) 3 times. Sl st to next ch 5 loop, work (ch 3, sl st in loop) 5 times *. Repeat from * to * around. Join with sl st to first trc. End off.

Snowflakes for toys
Bring frostbitten joys
For millions of girls
And for millions of boys
When the Christmas Flakes are here
Every day seems like it lasts for a year.

No.9 SNOWFLAKE
Same as No.8, only make 5 loops, instead of 6.
R 1: Sl st in space, ch 4 (counts as 1 trc), work 6 trc in same sp. * Ch 3, 7 trc in next space *. Repeat from * to * around. Join with sl st to top of first trc.
R 2: Sl st to 2nd trc, ch 4, holding back last loop on hook, trc in each of next 4 trc, thread over and through all loops on hook (5 trc cluster made). * (Ch 8, sl st in 3rd ch from hook) 5 times. Join last picot to first picot made with sl st. Ch 5, sl st to top of cluster. Ch 5, sl st in ch 3 space, ch 5, work 5 trc cluster over center 5 trc *. Repeat from * to * around. Join last ch 5 to top of first cluster with sl st. End off.

An ice cube for Jimmy
A slush ball for Sue
The kind that will give you a bad case of flu.
When the Christmas Mobile’s here
Disappointment replaces holiday cheer.

No.10 SNOWFLAKE
Ch 7, join with sl st to form ring.
R 1: Ch 3, 11 dc in ring. Join to top of ch 3.
R 2: * Ch 5, sc in next sc, ch 12, sc in next sc *. Repeat from * to * around, ending last ch 12 with sl st to base of first ch 5.
R 3: Ch 1, turn – working in long loops only, * 12 sc in loop, pushing ch 5 loop to back of work *. Repeat from * to * around. Join to first sc. Ch 1, turn.
R 4: Sl st over 5 sc, * ch 5, sl st in same st, sl st in next st *. Repeat from * to * twice. Sl st over next 10 sc. Repeat from first * around. Join with sl st to first sc. End off.

At last, you’re done! But it’s still not too late to use your Misfit Snowflakes for good rather than evil mobiles.

For instance, you could smush all the crochet snowflakes together to form a snowman hat for your dog. There’s no way that could be evil!

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Stocking Setbacks

Stocking Place Mats from Crochet World Omnibook Christmas Special, 1980

Stocking Place Mats
By Carol Ann Nadeau

To add a festive touch to your holiday table we present this stocking place mat. Children will especially love the way the stocking holds their utensils and napkin.

Adults, on the other hand, will be especially annoyed by how their wine glass keeps falling off this lumpy, crocheted placemat.

These colorful Christmas Stocking Place Mats will brighten any Christmas luncheon table setting. Imagine your guests surprise when they find their napkins tucked neatly inside their own little Christmas stocking!

Yes, your guests will be surprised when you brighten your Christmas luncheon with a scavenger hunt.

Spoiler alert: The glazed ham is behind the sofa cushion.

The fork, knife and spoon will fit inside too, if you wish, and these place mats are perfect for buffet lunches as well, since everything needed is right there in each stocking.

I can visualize your buffet now:

There’s a pyramid of neatly rolled placemats stacked beside the festive food spread over your dining room table. “Take one of the Christmas placemats I made,” you urge your guests. “All your silverware is inside the stocking. It’s that the cleverest thing?”

Your elderly neighbour, Mrs. Higginbottom, bravely takes a Christmas Stocking placemat, and sits down on the living room couch. All is well, until she attempts to unroll the merry mat over her knees while holding a full plate in her other hand.

The fork, spoon and knife hit your white shag carpeting first, followed in short order by the deviled eggs, tomato aspic, cranberry sauce, roast turkey and fruit cake. Yes, these Christmas Stocking Placemats are perfect... a perfect catastrophe.

So, give your holiday entertaining that extra special personal touch this year with Christmas Stocking Place Mats you made yourself and have a very warm and happy holiday season!

Replete with spilled wine, stained carpets, and ruined clothes. After all, Christmas isn’t Christmas without tears and recriminations!

For a pattern guaranteed to ruin the best-planned Christmas Buffet:

CHRISTMAS STOCKING PLACE MATS
MATERIALS: Knitting worsted weight yarn, 4 oz. skeins, 2 each dark green and white, 1 red (makes 3 place mats); crochet hooks sizes H&K.

FINISHED SIZE: Each mat measures approximately 12’’ x 17’’ including edging.

NOTE: Place mats are worked with 1 strand of dark green and 1 strand of white held together throughout.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: These place mats are one use only. No matter how washable your wool is, there’s no way you’ll get all the dried up bits of sausage stuffing and figgy pudding out of your encrusted placemats.

PLACE MAT
With 1 strand dark green and 1 strand white and size K hook, ch 47 to measure about 15’’.
ROW 1: Sc in 3rd ch from hook, * ch 1, sk 1 ch, sc in next ch, repeat from * across (23 sc). Ch 2, turn.
ROW 2: Sc in next ch 1 sp, * ch 1, sc in next ch 1 sp, repeat from * across ending with ch 1, sc in turning ch 2 sp, ch 2, turn. Repeat row 2 until piece measures about 9’’ from beg. Do not break yarn but turn and work edging as follows: * Ch 6, sc in 3rd ch from hook, ch 3, sl st in next sc, repeat from * along wide edge, ch 6, sc in 3rd ch from hook, ch 3, sl st in next row, ** ch 6, sc in 3rd ch from hook, ch 3, skip 1 row, sc in next row, repeat from ** along side edge. Work along other wide edge and other side edge to correspond. End off.

Besides, after this year’s Christmas buffet catastrophe, you won’t need these placemats again. Next year you’ll be crocheting the whole darn dinner.

I recommend you place your crocheted creations on your best dinner platter, and enter the dining room screaming, “Try staining my carpet with THIS you slovenly swine!”

I guarantee that you’ll never again be asked to host a family holiday fête.

STOCKING
With single strand of red and size H hook, ch 18.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. (17 sc) Ch 1, turn, each row.
ROW 2: Working in sc, dec 1 st at beg and end of row (to dec: pull up a lp in each of next 2 sc, yo and through all lps on hook – 1 dec made).
ROW 3: Work even in sc. Repeat rows 3 & 3 until 9 sts remain.
ROWS 9 – 12: Work even in sc.
ROW 13: Working in sc, inc 1 st at beg and end of row (to inc: work 2 sc in same st – 1 inc made), (11 sc).
ROW 14: Repeat row 13 once. (13 sc)
ROW 15: Working in sc, inc 1 st in last st. (14 sc)
ROW 16: Working in sc, inc 1 st in first st, sc in each sc across. (15 sc)
ROWS 17 & 18: Work even in sc.
ROW 19: Working in sc, dec 1 st at beg and end of row. (13 sc)
ROW 20: Repeat row 19 once. (11 sc)
ROW 21: Working in sc, dec 1 st at beg of row, sc in each of next 5 sc, sl st in next sc. End off.

Once the humdrum task of making the roast beast is safely in another sucker’s relative’s hands, you can turn your festive crochet skills to better effect.

Well, more spectacular effect, at any rate.

TOP
ROW 1: With wrong side facing, attach white in first sc, work a lp st in this sc and in each sc across (lp st: insert hook in st, wind yarn over left index finger from front to back, catch yarn with hook and pull through, drop lp from finger, yo and through 2 lps on hook – 1 lp st made), ch 1, turn each row. (17 lp sts)
ROW 2: Work even in sc.
ROW 3: Work even in lp st. End off.

FINISHING: Sew Christmas Stocking to lower left front of place mat with toe pointing to left (lp sts on top should be facing). Leave top edge open to hold napkin and silverware. Press with damp cloth blocking to size.

Don’t forget to crochet up some milk and cookies for Santa!

Low-cal, high-fiber, and completely carpet-safe! Santa’s going to be thrilled!*

*Handmade by Mother accepts no responsibility for the appearance of coal in your Christmas Stocking placemats, should you leave crocheted cookies out on Christmas Eve.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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O Tannenbaum Trouble

Christmas Tree Coasters from Crochet World Omnibook Christmas Special, 1980

Thanks to the Southern Pine Beetle, the Spruce Spider Mite, and the White Pine Weevil, live Christmas trees will soon be harder to find than an Xbox Kinect this Xmas Eve. But don’t let the imminent deforestation of North America destroy your holiday spirit!

During the Great Christmas Tree Shortage of 1980 (caused by newly-elected President Ronald Reagan cutting down several polluting pine trees), Gerrie Spensley crocheted these Christmas Tree Coasters so Santa would have somewhere to leave presents. After all, Old Saint Nick has proved in the past he isn’t picky about counterfeit conifers.

Alas, these temporary tannenbaums contained a fatal flaw.

In Gerrie’s defense, she’d always intended for her crocheted coasters to fall apart faster than a toy made in China. In an interview for Crochet World, Gerry explained that her “Versatile Christmas tree coaster set serves two purposes – it’s a decoration and the coasters can be taken off and put to practical use under glasses and as doilies.” What she didn’t realize was that nothing makes children cry faster than a Christmas Tree flattened by their parents love of Christmas Cosmos and Scroogedrivers.

Poor Gerrie wanted 1980 to be renowned as the Christmas Saved by Crafty Crocheters. Instead, it became known as the Christmas Mommy and Daddy’s Drinking Ruined the Christmas Tree.

Again.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Christmas Tree Coasters
By Gerrie Spensley

MATERIALS: 1 skein of worsted weight yarn, variegated white to green; hook size F; small amount of red worsted; 30 small red beads; one ¼’’ wooden dowel, 6’’ long; one 3x3’’ square of wood for base.

STAND
Drill ¼’’ hole in wood square, put glue on the end of the dowel and insert the dowel in the hole. Stand may then be painted and a square of felt may be glued to the bottom of the stand.

While I’m not impressed with the final product, any crochet project that requires a drill is still made of awesome.

But whatever you do, don’t drink and drill.

TREE
The tree consists of six coasters with a large doily on the bottom that may be used under a candle or dish.
Work in back loop only throughout.
With variegated green:
RND 1: Ch 4, sl st in 1st ch, ch 3, make 15 dc in ring, join with sl st in top of ch 3.
RND 2: Ch 3, dc in each dc around, join.
RND 3: Ch 4, dc in same st, dc ch-1dc in each st around. Sl st in 3rd ch of first ch 4. Fasten off. Make six coasters.

In fact, it’s a bad idea to start slinging back the Christmas cocktails while knitting or crocheting too.

LARGE DOILY
Repeat above to rnd 2.
RND 3: Ch 3, dc in each st around, join.
RND 4: Ch 4, dc iin same st, dc ch-1 dc in each st around. Sl st in 3rd ch of first ch 4.

And if this pattern’s instructions to “dc ch-1 dc” is any indication, the first victim of editing drunk are the commas. Whereas, the cocaine fad in the 1980s killed the semi-colon.

RND 5: Ch 3, sl st to back of doily at bottom of first ruffle. Repeat rnd 4, making a double ruffle. Fasten off.

FINISHING: Sew a cluster of three of the red beads on each of the coasters. On the large doily, make 4 groups of three beads each and sew to doily, spacing them evenly. The beads should be sewn on the ruffle of the coasters and doily.

So, avoid imbibing your holiday spirits, and create your Christmas cheer with a rousing round of the traditional Carol: O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter!

My grasp of German is a bit shaky, but I believe the literal translation is “O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, how lovely are your bladders.”

RED BALL FOR TOP OF TREE
(Make two)
With red yarn ch 4, sl st in first ch. Ch 3, make 15 dc in ring. Join in first dc and fasten off. With red yarn sl around both circles, fastening them together. Leave 2 sts open to allow the ball to slip on top of the dowel. Assemble with the large doily on the bottom, then the six coasters, placing the red ball on top.

Crochet World also provided this festive drawing to remind you what a real Christmas Tree looks like.

“Hello ladies, look at your Crocheted Coaster Tree, now look at me, now look at your tree, now look at me, now look at your tree. Sadly, it isn’t me, but it will smell of Old Spice, vodka and disappointment.”

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Slouching toward a Washable Bethlehem

Carefree Washable Wool Ad from Vogue Knitting, Holiday, 1986

CARING GIFTS IN CAREFREE, WASHABLE WOOL

Nothing's too good for that favorite kid.

But the other three? Meh. They can have stretched out old sweaters you picked up at the flea market.

And if the oldest complains that her Christmas sweater is way too long, just tell her that it’s a dress meant to be worn with tights. Then take lots of pictures to be used as blackmail in the future.

Good mothers plan ahead.

That’s why you’ll spend the time and love on a handmade gift. When wool’s your yarn choice, you can be sure that you’re giving the best. Wool’s warm, comfortable...

Assuming your definition of comfortable is “so itchy everyone will assume your child has fleas”.

...great looking, incredibly resilient – and it’s even washable. That’s our gift to you.

By the way, we’re expecting you to pay for this “gift”.

Because you care, we wouldn’t want you to put your effort into anything less than the best... Pure Washable Wool.

That’s right, use Pure Wool, or we’ll all know that you don’t put any effort into your impure knitting.

Check your favorite yarn store for pattern information and yarn with the washable wool label.

There’s a mysterious symbol on the bottom right of the ad... what could it mean?

To find out:

This ominous triple swirl is the Woolmark!

In 1964, a shadowy Australian organization known as the “International Wool Secretariat” secretly hatched a plan to take over the world by creating quality standards for wool.

Don’t look so surprised, everyone knows that Australia is the number one breeding ground for successful supervillains. The IWS is headed by Doctor Lanolin, usually pictured bald and stroking his pet wallaby, Mr. Hoppy. He (the doctor not the wallaby) decided to hold an international competition to create a recognizable new logo for the IWS. A logo which would then be tattooed onto everyone’s forehead during the Apocalypse, as a sign of their allegiance to the Antichrist!

No?

Oh, all right, a more scholarly (*cough*boring*cough*) account of the history of the Antichr... I mean, Woolmark Company can be found here.

But if you’re unprepared when the Australian supervillains begin their reign of terror, don’t come crying to me.

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Happy Extraterrestrial Hanukkah!

UFO from Crochet World Omnibook Christmas Special, 1980

I know it’s hard to tell from this grainy, faded photo, but that’s not a plant hanger. That button down flap would guarantee my plants would die ... faster than usual.

I supposed you could store your dried herbs in this not-a-pot-hanger, but this isn’t a handy device for keeping your illicit substances out of the reach of your cats, either. And trust me, you’ll want to keep your weed away from Mr. Whiskers. It’s not a pretty sight when kitties get the munchies.

Where was I? Oh yes, this pattern is not a pot hanger, it’s a UFO. It says so right beneath the picture. UFO!

Which means it’s the perfect gift for your beloved Jewish nephew or niece this Hanukkah. After all, Hanukkah and outer space go together like latkes and sour cream.

Don’t believe me? Read on!

For the complete pattern (and proof of Hanukkah’s extraterrestrial awesomeness):

Tah dah, it’s a flying saucer menorah!

Clearly, the reason why the menorah stayed lit for eight whole days in the Temple of Jerusalem in 168 BCE was because God secretly spiked the tiny flask of olive oil with rocket fuel.

UFO!
Another toy in our Christmas collection is the whimsical space ship whose passengers are a tiny bunny, mouse and duck. UFO anyone?

Pay no attention to the word Christmas. Due to Santa’s longtime relationship with NORAD, it’s been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there’s no such thing as a Christmas UFO.

Not even in Nanaimo, British Columbia.

HANGING SPACE SHIP WITH POCKET TOYS/PILLOW TOY by Betty L. Leach

MATERIALS: No. 1 hook, 4-ply knitting worsted weight yarn, 4 oz. color A for bottom and hatch cover, 2 oz. color B for top section, 1 oz. color C for inside section. One half-pound polyester fiberfill for stuffing, scraps of pink, orange and black felt, 6 moveable eyes, ¼’’ diameter; white glue, 3 buttons or bone rings (1/2’’); one ounce each of yellow, gray & white yarn for toys; 1 yard carpet warp for whiskers.

SIZE: Base diameter 10 ½’’; hatch cover diameter 6’’.

I have no idea why a bunny, mouse and duck have gone for a ride in the UFO. However, I’m sure it bolsters my argument that this is a Hanukkah UFO, not a Christmas one.

After all, everyone knows duckies are an integral part of Hanukkah celebrations.

LOWER SECTION: With color A, ch 2, 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook – do not join.
RND 2: 2 sc in each sc – 12 sc.
RND 3: * Sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around – 18 sc.
RND 4: * Sc in next 2 sc, 2 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around – 24 sc.
RND 5: * Sc in next 3 sc, 2 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around – 30 sc.
NEXT RNDS: Repeat round 5, increasing 6 sts evenly spaced, until piece measures approximately 11’’ or you have a total of 120 sts.

But don’t exactly repeat round 5, or you’ll end up with many more than 6 increase sts around your UFO. And then it won’t fly.

Well, your UFO won’t fly anyway, but you’ll still want it to look flight worthy. Otherwise, you’ll never get a government grant.

Go ahead, click on the cartoon. You know you want to!

LAST RND: Sc in first point, ch 5, sc in next sc, sc in each sc around making ch 5 loops in every other increase point – 3 points with ch 5 loops. Join with sl st and end off. Set aside.

UPPER SECTION: With color B ch 54, join with sl st to form ring. Ch 3, dc in each ch around. Join with sl st to top of ch 3.
RND 2: Ch 3, dc in each dc around, join as before.
RND 3: Repeat rnd 2.
RND 4: * Sc in next 8 dc, 2 sc in next dc, repeat from * around – do not join.
RND 5: * Sc in next 9 sc, 2 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around.
Continue increasing 6 sc evenly spaced around in this manner, until there are a total of 120 scs.
LAST RND: Sc in each sc around, join with sl st – do not end off. Match points of top and bottom sections, wrong sides together, “reverse” sc around matching stitches of both sections and making sure the ch 5 loops are to the outside. End off.

COCKPIT: With color C with right side facing, join yarn in any dc. Ch 3, dc in each st around, join in top of ch 3. 54 dc (counting ch 3 as first dc).
RND 2: Ch 1, * sc in next 6 dc, decrease 1 st. Repeat from * around, join in ch 1 – 48 sc.
RND 3: Ch 1, * sc in next 3 sc, dec 1. Repeat from * around. Join as before.
RND 4: Repeat rnd 3.
RND 5: Repeat rnd 3. Stuff lower section firmly up to rnd 1 of top section, make divot in center to hold pocket toys.
RND 6: Repeat rnd 3 until 2 sts remain, end off. Sew opening closed. Push inside of cockpit down.

When you’re done crocheting the cockpit of your spacecraft, don’t forget to drop a tiny dreidel inside for the ducky, bunny and mouse to play with. Astronauts love playing with dreidels.

So do certain other spacemen, though I’m a bit concerned about the way Kirk is looking at Spock.

HATCH COVER: With color A, work as lower section until cover measures approximately 7’’ or will cover cockpit area.
LAST ROW: Sc in each sc, making ch 5 loops at every other corner, as before on lower section. Join, end off.

FINISHING: Take 1 strand of colors A and B, leave a 5’’ length, ch 200. End off leaving another 5’’ length. Go back to center of ch length, join yarn in center st and ch 100. End off leaving a 5’’ length of yarn. Join each of the 3 ends of chain to ch 5 loops on lower edge of space ship, tie securely. Sew buttons or crochet covered bone rings to top edge of space ship. Button on hatch cover.

FOR PILLOW TOY: Omit hanging chain and ch 5 loops on lower section.

POCKET TOYS: Make three 2 ½’’ pompons, 1 gray, 1 yellow, 1 white. Trim evenly. Cut ears for bunny and mouse from pink felt and beak for duck from orange felt. Sew felt pieces into position on pompons.

Good luck sewing anything onto a pompon!

What’s wrong with glue, anyway?

Glue eyes on each pompon,

Glue’s good enough for the eyes!

...arrange in cockpit. Make 1 – 1’’ pompon for bunny tail. Ch 20 for mouse tail.
Use white carpet warp for bunny whispers and black or brown carpet warp for mouse whiskers.

And now you’re all ready to launch your fuzzy friends into space for an out-of-this world Hanukkah celebration!

Just don’t do it in front of your planet bound pets, or they’ll sulk for eight days straight.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Last Minute Christmas Crocheting!

Big Rainbow Block from Family Circle Great Ideas: 112 Fashions and Crafts, August 1980

It’s almost the end of November! That means it’s time to wrap the last of your Christmas gifts, and double check your extended family tree to ensure you haven’t overlooked any of your second cousins (twice removed).

What’s that? You haven’t finished your Christmas shopping yet?

You haven’t even started?!

Dear God, people, Christmas decorations have been up since November 1st, and even earlier in North Carolina.

Yes, it’s never too early for last minute gift panic, so dig into your yarn stash now and start making those “My second cousin’s step-brother’s transgendered Buddhist sister-in-law’s here? Why, of course, I brought a present for him. Or her. Whatever, Merry Christmas.”

But how do you make a gift appropriate for all genders, ages, faiths, left or right politics, and – more importantly – left or right handedness? Why, it’s easy. Just make something absolutely pointless, like this giant granny square cube.

Is it an oversized granny toy, an undersized square ottoman, or a just right mid-sized dust collector? Who knows? The point is if everyone is equally confused by your gift, no one will feel excluded this holiday season.

Because no one enjoys being excluded at Christmastime. Not even the atheists.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

BIG RAINBOW BLOCK

Approximate size: 14” cube

Adorable child not included.

MATERIALS: Maxi-Cord 6mm Twisted Poly in the following colors and amounts: 40 yds red, 70 yds orange, 100 yds yellow, 125 yds green, 115 yds blue

Traditionally, rainbows have seven colours, both in their single and double configurations. However, indigo and purple were excluded from this granny square rainbow because both colours were nom, nom, nom’d by a LOLcat.

(Note: For more information on how to obtain Maxi-Cord, write to Great Yarns Inc, Dept. GSB, P.O. Box 6699, Hollywood, Florida 33021.);

Alas, Maxi-Cord was discontinued, which doubtless led to the demise of Great Yarns Inc. However, any 6mm polypropylene macramé cord should give your granny cube the right amount of abrasiveness to skin a toddler’s chubby hands.

crochet hook, Size N; bulky eye yarn needle; 4 foam rubber squares, each 12”x12”x3”; rubber cement; 1¼ yds unbleached muslin; white glue.

DIRECTIONS: This block is made from 6 giant Granny Squares which are sewn around a foam cube.

The end.

*sigh* Wishful thinking.

To make one Granny Square: With the red cord, ch 6. Join with sl st to form a ring.

Rnd 1: Ch 3. Two dc into the ring, ch 3; *dc into the ring, ch 3. Rep from * twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue with white glue to secure and trim.

Wait, you want us to weave in the ends AND glue them down?

I bet her Christmas packages look a lot like this:

Rnd 2: With sl st, join orange cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 3, 2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1. *(3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 2 space, ch 1. Rep from * twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.

Rnd 3: With a sl st, join yellow cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 3, 2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1, 3 dc in next ch 1 space, ch 1. *(3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 space, ch 1. Rep from * twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.

I’m worried that this crochet pattern is encouraging kids to sniff glue.

Rnd 4: With a sl st, join green cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 3, 2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1. *[3 dc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] twice. **(3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 space, ch 1. [3 dc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] twice. Rep from ** twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.

Just look at the impact that all this gluing has had on the pattern editor. There’s unnecessary double asterisking (it’s so intense) and square brackets have been thrown about willy-nilly [but what does it mean?].

Rnd 5: With a sl st, join blue cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 2, 2 sc, ch 3, 3 sc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1. *[3 sc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] 3 times. ** (3 sc, ch 3, 3 sc) in next ch 3 space, ch 1. [3 sc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] 3 times. Rep from ** twice. Join with a sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.

This completes one Granny Square. Rep to complete 5 more Granny Squares.

That’s right, this is no lame double rainbow pattern. It’s a super-awesome sextuplet rainbow!

Using 1 yd lengths of blue cord, whipstitch 2 squares together.

What? You don’t want us to glue them together?

All right, but I doubt whipstitching will give us the same brain-cell destroying buzz.

Sew the third and fourth squares to the first two, forming a long narrow rectangle. Sew the fourth square to make a band. Sew the fifth square to the first four squares to make an open cube.

Using rubber cement, glue the four 12”x12”x3”foam pieces together to make a 12”x12”x12” cube.

You know it’s time for an intervention when you abandon the recreational white glue for the cement hard stuff.

Cut six 14” square pieces of muslin. Glue or sew together to cover the cube.

I think we all know this designer went for the glue option.

Place fabric-covered cube inside the Granny Square cube. Sew remaining Granny Square to top. Weave in all ends, glue to secure and trim.

Of course you want to sew and glue this granny square cube up tighter than granny’s laced boots. Sure, we all claim that we wash our removable cushion covers, but we never do.

So, go ahead and ensure that this Granny Square Cubed is as nonwashable as it is nonsensical, and let the dust mites and bed bugs roam free.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Happy Halloween AKA a Taste of ClownFests to Come!

Clown Mask from Crochet World, Special Issue No. 6, 1984

“Awww... what a cute kitty. And who’s that holding the Trick-or-treat bag?

Oh my god! KILL IT! Kill the EVIL CLOWN!

Oh wait, it’s just Justin. Sorry kid, I didn’t mean to bludgeon you with my broom. Just take that darn mask off. It’s not safe. The next person who sees you might grab a shotgun, and then you’ll have a lot more to cry over than a concussion.

Next time, trust your instincts and go be Superman in your Underoos instead.”

Clearly, Justin’s crafty mother has decided she wants him dead. After all, we all know that clowns are the most terrifyingly loathsome creatures in all of Halloween lore.

You think I’m exaggerating?

Consider the horrifying evidence...

For the complete pattern (and more snark):

CLOWM MASK
By Joy M. Nore

Don’t let the name of the pattern designer fool you! Her name may look like “More Joy” but that’s just an evil plan to lull you into a false sense of security.

MATERIALS:
Worsted weight yarn: 2 ozs white, 1 oz black, 1 oz red
Crochet hook size G
½’’ wide elastic

MASK
With white, ch 31.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 6: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.

EYEHOLES:

Be sure to make the eye holes as small as possible. You don’t want your child accidentally glimpsing themselves in a mirror.

Charlie Chaplin glimpsed himself in the dressing room mirror while making his 1952 film “Limelight” and was immediately possessed by the spirit of a murderous clown. In fact, that was the real reason his American visa was revoked and he was barred from re-entering the U.S.A.. The story about his alleged “communist sympathies” was just a cover, designed to prevent mass panic in the face of a Charlie Chaplin clown on a killing spree.

Yes, clowns are scarier than communists. They’re THAT scary.

ROWS 7 – 9: Sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn. Fasten off.
Sk 4 st on Row 6, join in next st, ch 1, sc in same place, sc in next 5 st, ch 1, turn.
Work 2 more rows on these st in sc, ch 1, turn each row. Fasten off.
Sk next 4 st, join in next sc, ch 1, sc in same place, sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn.
Work 2 more rows on these st in sc, ch 1, turn each row.
ROW 10: Sc in next 8 st, ch 4, sc in next 6 st, ch 4, sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn. Eyeholes completed.
ROWS 11 & 12: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 13: (1st Point) Sc in 1st 14 st, sl st in next st.

Justin’s clown mask comes complete with demonic horns. Clearly, it was inspired by the Sparr Fruit Co. Clown Brand advertising campaign:

Buy Sparr Fruit, or the Sparr Fruit Clown will come to your house and slice you open with his pointy hair and eat your heart, all the while giggling maniacally.

It was a surprisingly effective campaign.

ROW 14: Sl st in 1st st, sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. (13 st)
ROWS 15 – 20: Sc in each st across to sl st; sl st or ch 1, at same end of each row, having 1 less st in each row. (7 sc in Row 20)
ROW 21: Sl st in 1st st, sc in next 4 st, sk 1 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 22: Sc in next 2 st, sl st in next st. Fasten off.
Second Point: Join yarn in next st on Row 13. Rep Rows 13 – 22, reversing shaping.

EYE DIAMONDS:

The eye diamonds are more proof that Justin’s mother wants him dead. After all, if Justin’s vision is completely obscured by his mask, he’s likely to wander into the street and get mowed down by a car.

With black, ch 2.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, ch 1, turn.
ROW 2: 2 sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 3: 2 sc in 1st st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 4: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 5: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in next 2 st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 6: Sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 7 – 9: (EYEHOLES) Sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn. Fasten off after Row 9. At the other end of Row 6, join yarn in 5th st, Rep Row 6: 4 times.
Do not Fasten off.
ROW 10: Sc in 1st st, ch 4, sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 11: Sc in each st and ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 12: Sk 1st st, sc in next 4 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 13: Sl st in 1st st, sc in next 2 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 14: Sc in next 2 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 15: Dec over next 2 st. Fasten off, leaving length for sewing. Sew in place.

NOSE: Make 2’’ pompon with red yarn. Sew as shown in photograph.

FINISHING: With black, sc all around Mask, putting 2 sc in each corner. With red yarn, make straight st outward from Eyes. Cut elastic to fit around head; and sew on each side.

You might believe that being terrified of clowns is a modern phenomenon. Surely, you say, there was a far less sensible time when clowns were considered loveable. Why just look at this adorable little scamp in this vintage card!

Ignoring minor details such as that girl is far too young to be playing with fire let alone worrying about future lovers, the cat is clearly possessed by demons or it would have ripped that collar off, and the boy in the clown costume is so psychotic he’s just smashed his head through a mirror and has jagged shards of glass pointing right at his throat...

Where was I? Oh yes, ignoring all the above, the fact remains that this is just a drawing which in no way conveys the abiding horror of clowns throughout history.

Allow me to present Actual Photographic Evidence.

Some of these children are frozen in terror, while others, like the boy in the wheelchair, are resigned to their fate. The clown has them all in his corpse-white grasp, and there’s no escape. Maybe, thinks the littlest one, we’ll be allowed to live and get to be his evil minions. All I have to do is kill the photographer to prove my loyalty.

He’s wrong, of course. It’s the little girl who gets to be the killer clown’s acolyte. Yes, that’s Justin’s mother, Joy!

So have a Happy Halloween! Steer clear of the sweet old lady next door who offers to crochet costumes for you, and watch out for clowns!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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