Last Minute Christmas Crocheting!

Big Rainbow Block from Family Circle Great Ideas: 112 Fashions and Crafts, August 1980

It’s almost the end of November! That means it’s time to wrap the last of your Christmas gifts, and double check your extended family tree to ensure you haven’t overlooked any of your second cousins (twice removed).

What’s that? You haven’t finished your Christmas shopping yet?

You haven’t even started?!

Dear God, people, Christmas decorations have been up since November 1st, and even earlier in North Carolina.

Yes, it’s never too early for last minute gift panic, so dig into your yarn stash now and start making those “My second cousin’s step-brother’s transgendered Buddhist sister-in-law’s here? Why, of course, I brought a present for him. Or her. Whatever, Merry Christmas.”

But how do you make a gift appropriate for all genders, ages, faiths, left or right politics, and – more importantly – left or right handedness? Why, it’s easy. Just make something absolutely pointless, like this giant granny square cube.

Is it an oversized granny toy, an undersized square ottoman, or a just right mid-sized dust collector? Who knows? The point is if everyone is equally confused by your gift, no one will feel excluded this holiday season.

Because no one enjoys being excluded at Christmastime. Not even the atheists.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

BIG RAINBOW BLOCK

Approximate size: 14” cube

Adorable child not included.

MATERIALS: Maxi-Cord 6mm Twisted Poly in the following colors and amounts: 40 yds red, 70 yds orange, 100 yds yellow, 125 yds green, 115 yds blue

Traditionally, rainbows have seven colours, both in their single and double configurations. However, indigo and purple were excluded from this granny square rainbow because both colours were nom, nom, nom’d by a LOLcat.

(Note: For more information on how to obtain Maxi-Cord, write to Great Yarns Inc, Dept. GSB, P.O. Box 6699, Hollywood, Florida 33021.);

Alas, Maxi-Cord was discontinued, which doubtless led to the demise of Great Yarns Inc. However, any 6mm polypropylene macramé cord should give your granny cube the right amount of abrasiveness to skin a toddler’s chubby hands.

crochet hook, Size N; bulky eye yarn needle; 4 foam rubber squares, each 12”x12”x3”; rubber cement; 1¼ yds unbleached muslin; white glue.

DIRECTIONS: This block is made from 6 giant Granny Squares which are sewn around a foam cube.

The end.

*sigh* Wishful thinking.

To make one Granny Square: With the red cord, ch 6. Join with sl st to form a ring.

Rnd 1: Ch 3. Two dc into the ring, ch 3; *dc into the ring, ch 3. Rep from * twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue with white glue to secure and trim.

Wait, you want us to weave in the ends AND glue them down?

I bet her Christmas packages look a lot like this:

Rnd 2: With sl st, join orange cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 3, 2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1. *(3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 2 space, ch 1. Rep from * twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.

Rnd 3: With a sl st, join yellow cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 3, 2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1, 3 dc in next ch 1 space, ch 1. *(3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 space, ch 1. Rep from * twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.

I’m worried that this crochet pattern is encouraging kids to sniff glue.

Rnd 4: With a sl st, join green cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 3, 2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1. *[3 dc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] twice. **(3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 space, ch 1. [3 dc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] twice. Rep from ** twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.

Just look at the impact that all this gluing has had on the pattern editor. There’s unnecessary double asterisking (it’s so intense) and square brackets have been thrown about willy-nilly [but what does it mean?].

Rnd 5: With a sl st, join blue cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 2, 2 sc, ch 3, 3 sc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1. *[3 sc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] 3 times. ** (3 sc, ch 3, 3 sc) in next ch 3 space, ch 1. [3 sc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] 3 times. Rep from ** twice. Join with a sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.

This completes one Granny Square. Rep to complete 5 more Granny Squares.

That’s right, this is no lame double rainbow pattern. It’s a super-awesome sextuplet rainbow!

Using 1 yd lengths of blue cord, whipstitch 2 squares together.

What? You don’t want us to glue them together?

All right, but I doubt whipstitching will give us the same brain-cell destroying buzz.

Sew the third and fourth squares to the first two, forming a long narrow rectangle. Sew the fourth square to make a band. Sew the fifth square to the first four squares to make an open cube.

Using rubber cement, glue the four 12”x12”x3”foam pieces together to make a 12”x12”x12” cube.

You know it’s time for an intervention when you abandon the recreational white glue for the cement hard stuff.

Cut six 14” square pieces of muslin. Glue or sew together to cover the cube.

I think we all know this designer went for the glue option.

Place fabric-covered cube inside the Granny Square cube. Sew remaining Granny Square to top. Weave in all ends, glue to secure and trim.

Of course you want to sew and glue this granny square cube up tighter than granny’s laced boots. Sure, we all claim that we wash our removable cushion covers, but we never do.

So, go ahead and ensure that this Granny Square Cubed is as nonwashable as it is nonsensical, and let the dust mites and bed bugs roam free.

Click here for the printable pattern.