The Belle Tolls for Thee

Sweet and Low Sweater from Gay Teen Ideas, 1944

Sweet and Low Perfectly dee-vine dancing partner. Rings the Belle every time and keeps ‘em coming back for more.

Rings the BELLE?

My goodness, is that code for naughty1940s nookie? It sure was by 1979!

Glamour-minded rugcutters please note the definitely P.M. neck-line, low and square; the come hitherish black velvet ribbons here, there and everywhere.

Come hither to my waist, collar and sleeves, but no higher and most definitely no lower! A proper young lady reserves all belle and bell ringing to the third date.

Make it in cherry and whee, what a flutter you raise at your next party.

“Golly gee whiz, Dick. I don’t know why no one else showed up. I guess you’re my only guest. Let’s put a record on!”

“Donna, I really want to go home.”

“Don’t be silly! I’ve dead bolted all the doors, cut the phone lines and dynamited the only bridge off this property. So, do you like my sweater? I knitted it myself!”

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Hey, it looks like some other young ladies have launched a rescue mission to save poor Dick! Unfortunately, instead of arming themselves with the traditional torches and pitchforks, they’ve chosen bulrushes. Donna will make short work of them with just one Benny Goodman record.

Incidently, ringing your bell is also British slang for bashing someone’s brains in.

No. 2054

Materials: CHADWICK’S RED HEART WOOL FLOSS (2 ply), 5 balls (1 oz. balls) for Size 12; 6 balls for Size 14; 7 balls for Size 16.
Bone Knitting Pins, 1 pair No. 3.

Because nothing knits the crazy into a garment like real BONE needles.

Donna hand-carved them herself after a night of particularly unsatisfying bell ringing.

8 yards of narrow velvet ribbon for each size.
Buttons – see Directions of Right Back.

Wait, why can’t you just tell us now? Why all the suspense? It’s a knitting pattern, for heaven’s sake, not a murder mystery.

Not yet, anyway.

Snap fasteners.

BLOCKING MEASUREMENTS:

SIZES: 12 (14, 16)

Bust: 31 (33, 35)’’
Width across front at armholes: 16 (17, 18)’’
Width across front between armholes: 12 (12 ½, 13)’’

Pay attention! The AT armholes measurement is four to five inches wider than the BETWEEN armholes measurement.

An extra four to five inches is essential to successful bell ringing.

Length from top of shoulder: 18 (18 ½, 19)’’
Length of side seam: 10 (10 ½, 10 ½)’’
Width across each back at armhole: 7 ¾ (8 ¼, 8 ¾)’’
Width across each back above armhole shaping: 6 ½ (6 ¾, 7)’’
Width of sleeve at upper arm: 12 (12, 13)’’

I have no idea why we’re doing all this measuring. After all, this sweater hangs off Donna like a potato sack giving her all the sex appeal of a mashed potato.

If only she’d used a different pattern, Donna wouldn’t have needed to lock Dick up in her LP love den.

GAUGE: 7 sts make 1 inch; 10 rows make 1 inch.

SIZES: 12 (14, 16)

FRONT . . . Starting at waistband, cast on 95 (100, 105) sts.
1st and 2nd rows: P across. 3rd row: *K 3, k 2 tog, 0. Repeat from * across, ending with K 5. 4th row: P across. Repeat these 4 rows 2 more times (3 rows of eyelets made). Now work in stockinette st (k 1 row, p 1 row), increasing 1 st at both ends of next row and on 1 row every inch thereafter until there are on needle 111 (118, 125) sts. Work straight until piece measures in all 10 (10 ½, 10 ½)’’.
To Shape Armholes: Bind off 4 sts at beginning of each of the next 2 rows and 2 sts at beginning of following 6 rows. Dec 1 st at end of each row until there remain on needle 85 (90, 95) sts. With right side facing, repeat 1st to 4th rows incl of waistband 3 times (3 rows of eyelets made). Work in stockinette st and continue. Next row: Work across 28 (30, 32) sts. Bind off (purling the sts) for front of neck, the next 29 (30, 31) sts. Work across remaining 28 (30, 32) sts. Work straight over this last set of sts only until piece measures from 1st row of armhole shaping 7 (7, 7 ½)’’.
To Shape Shoulder: Starting at armhole edge, bind off 6 sts on every other row until there remain 4 (6, 8) sts. Starting at same edge, bind off. Attach arm at opposite side of neck edge and work other side to correspond.

Now for the pièce de résistance... this sweater buttons down the back. How fantastically “come-hitherish”! After all, Donna can’t get out of her own sweater by herself.

Come to think of it, she can’t put it on by her lonesome either. She must have a man-servant chained in the basement for such troublesome tasks.

LEFT BACK . . . Starting at waistband, cast on 45 (50, 55) sts. Work same as Front until the 12 rows of waistband are complete. Next row: K across. Following row: P across to last 6 sts, k 6 (center back band). Continue in stockinette st, keeping the 6 sts of back band in garter st (k each row), increasing 1 st at side edge on next row and every 9th row thereafter until there are on needle 54 (58, 62) sts. Work straight until piece measures in all 10 (10 ½, 10 ½)’’.
To Shape Armholes: Starting at side edge, bind off 5 sts once. Then dec 1 st at armhole edge on every other row until there remain 45 (47, 49) sts. Work straight until piece measures from 1st row of armhole shaping 7 (7, 7 ½)’’.
To Shape Shoulder: Starting at armhole edge bind off 6 sts on every other row 4 times. Starting at same edge, bind off 4 (6, 8) sts. Starting at same edge, bind off remaining 17 sts for back of neck.

Hurray! We’ve finally arrived at the Right Back, and the top secret number of buttons we need will be revealed...

RIGHT BACK . . . Work to correspond with Left Back, making a buttonhole 2 sts in from back edge when piece measures from last row of waistband 1 ( ½, 1)’’ and, measuring from 1st buttonhole, every inch thereafter until there are 16 (17, 17) buttonholes in all – to make a buttonhole, on one row bind off 2 sts and on next row cast on 2 sts to replace those bound off.

Well, that was a let down. Why on earth couldn’t they have just said in the materials list: 16 to 17 buttons? Why make us search through the pattern to learn that?

Although... buttons have also been used as slang for, ahem, a lady’s bell. Perhaps, this was a successful attempt to thwart the knitting pattern censors.

SLEEVES . . . Starting at lower edge, cast on 85 (85, 90) sts. Work first 4 rows same as Front (1 row of eyelets made). Now work in stockinette st until piece measures in all 2 ½ (2 ½, 3)’’.
To Shape Top: Bind off 4 sts at beginning of each of the next 2 rows. Dec 1 st at both ends of every 3rd row until 69 sts remain.

Heh. They said 69!

Dec 1 st at end of each row until 55 sts remain. Bind off 3 sts at beginning of each row until 19 sts remain. Bind off.

Press pieces through damp cloth. Sew underarm and shoulder seams. Sew sleeve seams and sew sleeves in. Cut two 23-inch pieces of ribbon and run through eyelets of sleeve. Tie ends in bows. Cut three 27-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack one end of each piece to wrong side of Right Back at beginning of each row of eyelets at waist. Run these pieces of ribbon in and out of eyelets to desired position on left side of Front. Cut three 20-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack one end of each piece to wrong side of Left Back at beginning of each row of eyelets at waist. Run ribbon through eyelets to meet previous ribbons. Tie ends in bows. Cut three 20-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack ends at armhole edge on wrong side of Right Front eyelets. Run ribbon through eyelets to position above waist bows. Cut three 12-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack on wrong side of Left Front eyelets. Run ribbon through eyelets to meet previous ribbons. Tie ends in bows. Sew on buttons to correspond with buttonholes. Sew snap fasteners to close waistband at back. Work a row of sc along entire neck edge.

If you’re wondering how Donna intends this evening to draw to a close, just take a look at the page facing the Sweet and Low Sweater pattern.

By the way, S is the first initial of Dick’s last name, not Donna’s.

“See, Dick? We absolutely, positively must get married! I’ve already monogrammed everything in the house!”

In desperation, Dick threw himself out the window and made a run for it. He might have made it too, if it hadn’t been for the monogrammed land mines.

Not the Happy Ending Donna had in mind for her Dick. But on the bright side, she did get enough material for a brand new set of bone needles.

Click here for the printable pattern.
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The World is Going to Hell in a Handbag!

Initial Knitting Bag from Star Variety Show, 1942

And this is the only purse that’s Hellspawn approved for carrying damned souls into the fiery pit.

Yes, you’d think demons would have more attractive accessories for the Apocalypse. But even the most ignorant imp knows that one glimpse of that big fuzzy H will cause the hardiest housewife to abandon all hope.

Now, I’m no theologian, so I don’t know why Satan’s spawn would want a handbag that doubles as a dust mop. I suppose paving the road to Hell with good intentions can be dusty work. However, everyone knows that Swiffers are the preferred cleaning tool of the dark side.

April Fools! It’s actually a prank knitting bag not a demonic purse!

Of course, this pattern’s a prank. No one would seriously want to dust their home with a knitting bag.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

INITIAL KNITTING BAG – No. 2116
Materials Required – AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “GEM” COTTON YARN.

6 Skeins Light Henna or any Color desired.

As long as that colour is bland. Attractive knitting bags are just asking to be stolen. And personalizing it with your initial will not protect you from every Helen, Hazel and Harriet with a police record.

Bone Crochet Hook Number 4 or 5.

Front. Ch 45 and work 44 s c on ch, ch 1, turn and work 23 more rows of s c.

The irony of a crocheted knitting bag is not lost on me. However, it all makes perfect sense as long as you remember this rubric:

Rock smashes scissors
Scissors cut paper
Paper disproves Spock
Spock sells Crochet
Crochet smothers Knitting
Knitting yarn bombs Rock

25th Row. Decrease 1 st at both ends and work 1 row even. Repeat the last 2 rows 7 times, break yarn and work a second section.

Gusset. Ch 4 and work 3 s c on ch, ch 1, turn. Work 8 more rows of s c even.

Next Row. * Increase 1 st and work 8 rows even. Repeat from * twice.

Next Row. Increase 1 st and work 30 rows even. Next row. Decrease 1 st, then decrease 1 st every 9th row 3 times.

In 1942, the bigger the knitting bag the better. No undersized knitting bag/dust mop was going to defeat Hitler.

Tufting. Cut strands 2 inches long, take 24 strands for each tuft and tie about 1 inch apart around edges of both sides of bag.

Initial. Outline with a basting thread the letter desired. Cut strands 1½ inches long, take 24 strands for each tuft and place about ½ inch apart.

Tufting is natural. Tufting is good. Not everybody tufts, but everybody should.

Shoulder Cord. Ch 5, 1 s c in each ch. Next row, 1 s c in each s c. Without joining rows, repeat this row until cord measures 35 inches or is length desired.

Is length desired? Probably, but don’t crochet a long enough rope to hang yourself.

Sew gusset in position. Sew shoulder cord to each side at gusset. Make ten 5 ch loops leaving an end to sew to bag for drawstring. Sew loops starting in second row about 3 inches apart.

Drawstring. Make a ch about 26 inches long, lace through loops and finish with a knot at each end.

That’s right, no zippers. All metal was needed for the war effort. And no lining either, because our brave boys at the front need silky underwear.

Yes, that meant the knitting needles stuck out the sides of the bag. Which made it an excellent weapon for beating up Nazis.

In wartime, every little bit helps!

Click here for the printable pattern.


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A White Sports Coat and a Pink Carnation

Carnation from Gift Shopping with Crochet, 1942

“Crochet your own Bouquet!” exhorts the pattern book. Words to live by, now more than ever. After all, in these modern times you can’t rely on your date providing the all important corsage for the prom. So, start crocheting your fake flower now, or risk utter humiliation on the most important night of your high school life!

Oh yes it is – Disney wouldn’t lie to me.

What’s that? True, it’s the middle of winter, and the local news just issued a frostbite warning, but it’s never too early to get ready for Prom 2011. Spring is just around the corner, and soon there will be slim pickings for the all important Pink Hummer Stretch Limos!

Yes, this particular carnation looks all grey and blobby, when everyone knows that 2011 prom dresses are supposed to be eye-bleeding shades of painful pink and berserker blue. Don’t let the vintage black-and-white photography mislead you. I’m certain that your crocheted carnation in violent violet will take no prisoners – I mean, make you the belle of the ball.

For the complete pattern (and an actual crocheted carnation!):

Carnation

MATERIALS:

CLARK’S O.N.T. “BRILLIANT,” 3 balls.
Steel crochet hook No. 10.
A piece of heavy flower wire, 18 inches long.
Artificial carnation leaves and calyx.
Green rubberized tape.

Even if you’re too old to plan for the prom, there’s no reason why you can’t whip up a few carnations and enjoy springtime in your home all year round. Or, if you’re feeling really inspired, you could share your spring fever with your neighbours.

Because nothing brightens up a grim industrial wasteland like crocheted flowers clinging to a chain link fence!

Starting at base of carnation, ch 5. Join with sl st to form ring. 1st rnd: Ch 3, 13 dc in ring. Join with sl st in top st of ch-3. 2nd and 3rd rnds: Ch 3, dc in each dc around. Join. 4th rnd: Ch 4, * dc in next dc, ch 1. Repeat from * around. Join.

Hmm... At this point in the project, I’m not seeing “carnation” so much as “carnal”.

But I am sure this craft will look a lot less like a naughty female body part and more like a delicate flower once I’ve finished a few more rounds.

5th to 9th rnds incl: Ch 4, * dc in next sp, ch 1, dc in next dc, ch 1. Repeat from * around. Join. 10th rnd: * Sc in next sp, ch 3, in next sp make 6 tr with p’s between - to make a p, ch 3, sc in 3rd ch from hook; ch 3. Repeat from * around. Sl st in 1st sc made. Fasten off.

The pattern’s almost complete, and I can hardly contain my excitement! I just know I’m going to end up with a flower just like these gorgeous crocheted carnations discovered at a garage sale.

FINISHING . . . Fasten heavy wire securely to base of carnation. Slip calyx onto stem and push up close to petals, having slipped base inside calyx. Wind stem with rubberized tape, inserting leaves at desired intervals.

I thought about going the whole nine yards and buying florist wire and a plastic calyx, but the end result was so disappointing that I just stuck a pipe cleaner into the crocheted carnation and called it done.

How disappointing, you ask?

On the up side, it doesn’t look anything like a crocheted nipple.

On the down side, it does look like a human brain on a stick.

Still, who’s to say that’s a bad thing? The brain above was crocheted out of discarded plastic bags which means it’s Green in more ways than one!

So to heck with brightening up the neighbourhood with flowers. I vote we crochet up a ton of these brainy carnations and scatter them around instead. And if you’re feeling really ambitious, make some of these scientifically accurate fabric brains too.

It’s never too early to start planning for the 2011 Zombie Block Party!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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Recession Chic!

Cotton jewelry from Star Variety Show of Knitted and Crocheted Models, 1942

Cotton jewelry – nothing gayer, nothing newer, nothing more talk-provoking.

The United States had just entered the war the previous December. What else could there be to talk about, other than cotton jewelry?

Although to be fair, the designers are trying to support their boys overseas. Why waste metal in foolish frippery, when it could be better used in munitions?

Yarn munitions don’t work nearly as well.

Thankfully, nowadays supporting our troops doesn’t require us to sacrifice our metal jewelry. Still, diamonds are too high maintenance to be a girl’s best friend during a recession, so it’s time again to start talking about cotton jewelry!

Um… er… it could be worse?

For ONE complete pattern (and a full serving of snark!):

SHELL NCKLACE AND BRACELET – No. 2107

Materials Required – AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “GEM” COTTON YARN.

26 Yards Peach or any Color desired.

I do like a pattern that gives me a little choice, just in case I can’t find peach yarn.

Choice is important during hard economic times, whether it’s the 1940s or today. Like how women are choosing to spend their money on food and shelter, while the menfolk are choosing hip-hop bling!

11 Yards Green.

Bone Crochet Hook Number 4 or 5.

Four OR five, take your pick. It doesn’t really matter. There’s no gauge for this pattern. It’s footloose and fancy-free!

But before you reach for your size Q rug hooks, remember that bigger isn’t always better for cotton jewelry.

Leaving 8 inches of yarn free...

Yarn free! As free as the wind blows, as free as the grass grows, yarn free to follow...

... any other pattern!

Why stick with this one? Like your last home loan, you know it’s not going to end well.

...* ch 6, slip st to 5th st from hook for ring, (shell) ch 3, 1 d c, 1 s d c, 1 s c, 1 sl st in ring, repeat from * 25 times for necklace about 18 inches long. Ch 1 after last shell. Break yarn leaving about an 8 inch length. Attach Green in last s c leaving an 8 inch length free. * Yarn over needle 3 times, insert needle in loop of s c above shell, yarn over, pull through, yarn over, pull through, yarn over, pull through, 2 loops, yarn over, through 2 loops, yarn over, pull through all loops on needle. Slip st in s c between shells, repeat from * across shells. Chain the Green and Peach ends together for ties.

And now you’re the proud owner of this!

I guarantee that if you wear a shell bracelet to your next shindig, it will be talk-provoking!

“Look at poor Sally, she had to sell all her jewelry after she got laid off at the factory. Oh well, I suppose it could be worse!”

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Stag Party!

Ah, the sweater girl! What could be sexier? The phrase brings to mind Lana Turner breaking the hearts of all seven of her husbands in her sultry knits. Or Jane Russell’s famous bust bursting at the seams of a sweater that didn’t keep her warm, but sure heated up the fellas!

And then there’s this poor woman...

Date Bait sweater from Newlands, Vol. Seven, Book Twelve, 1948

Eloise couldn’t help thinking that there must be a better way for an attractive single spinster to snare a man than outfitting herself in a stag-festooned sweater. True, time was running out as she was no longer a spring chicken, but dressing up as Date Bait smacked of desperation.

All evening she’d heard nothing but one joke after another about “going stag” and having a “sizeable rack”. She spent hours into knitting this sweater, and was it worth it? Sure, the menfolk are paying attention to her, but they weren’t buying her drinks.

And God, she needed a drink!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

The Date Bait sweater comes in a range of sizes, but it’s best to err on the side of too small. Saggy, baggy sweaters will not transform you into tasty man-bait!

Click on the graph to see it larger.

DAIT BAIT – No. 1270 – Size 34

Yes, that’s what it says in the book: “Dait Bait”. Newlands couldn’t be bothered editing this page, because any woman desperate enough to label herself “Date Bait” wasn’t going to complain if she suddenly morphed into a typo.

Whatever it takes to get a man!

MATERIALS REQUIRED: 8 oz. light rose, 5 yds. navy 3 ply Dawn Glo Yarn, 2 No. 10 needles, 2 No. 11 needles, set of 4 No. 11 needles.

Tension: 8 sts – 1 inch. 10 rows – 1 inch (No. 10 needles).

PATTERN: Stocking stitch – Duplicate stitch.

Neck: Using set of No. 11 needles, starting at neck edge, left shoulder, pick up 14 sts. K 36 sts from stitch holder in front, pick up 14 sts right neck edge, K 52 sts from back st. holder (116 sts). Rib K1, P1, for 1’’. Bind off loosely in ribbing.

All done! Now slip it on and set your sight on the nearest eligible stag man. Remember, there’s nothing like a hand-knitted sweater to scream “marry me!” at every male in the room.

Once you’ve got a member of the opposite sex on your hook, land him as soon as possible by knitting him a matching sweater of his own. Not only will the whole world know that you now own him, your hand knit sweater is guaranteed to keep him by your side forever.

What do you mean there should be more to the Date Bait pattern? Go look at the graph!

Sheesh, no wonder you’re still single.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Happy Mother's Day!

Knitted Bed Jackets from “Gifts, Knitted and Crocheted”, 1946

I’m very worried about this new mother. Sure, she seems happy, and normally I’m very much in favor of lounging around in bed in pajamas. But this woman is smiling ecstatically at a six-month sized bed jacket – and there’s no six month old child anywhere to be seen!

Is she really a mother? Or is her baby just a figment of her imagination?

The truth is this wannabe mom is a victim of 1940s patriarchy. This poor woman was raised to believe her only value was in her ability to procreate, but she has no man or turkey baster to call her own! So, it’s no surprise that her mind has finally snapped under the pressure. Tomorrow she’ll be taking her empty stroller down to the park, where she will steal the first baby she sees and take it home to clothe in fussy hand-knits.

Thankfully, today she’s content to lay in bed, admiring her imaginary offspring.

“Isn’t she just the best behaved baby you ever saw? Why, she never cries!”

For the complete pattern (and more maternal snark!):

Knitted Bed Jacket
No. 4801
6 Months Size

Before you begin, ask yourself these important questions first. Are you expecting a baby? Or are you making this pattern for someone who is?

If you answer no to both, you need to immediately march up to a man and demand that he do his manly duty by procreating with you and/or your friend. Once this important initial step is completed, only then can you safely begin knitting frou-frou matching mom and baby bed jackets, confident that soon you will experience the blissful happiness that only motherhood can bring.

Materials Required – AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “DAWN” INFANT’S WOOL, ARTICLE W5

2 – 1 oz. Balls White.

1 – 1 oz. Ball Blue or Pink.

1 Pair each Bone Knitting Needles No. 2 and No. 6.

Bone Crochet Hook No. 2.

1 ½ yds. Ribbon.

Back of Yoke. With White on No. 2 needles cast on 66 sts and k 1 row, p 1 row, k 1 row, p 1 row, k 1 row, p 1 row.

Otherwise known as six rows of stockinette stitch. But remember, it’s important to be very, very clear when writing instructions for new mothers or moms-to-be.

Otherwise they might snap and run amok.

Pick up Blue and k 4 rows. Repeat these 10 rows for pattern. Work even until there are 4 White and 4 Blue stripes.

Next Row. With White work across 20 sts, bind off next 26 sts for back of neck and continue work on last 20 sts. Work 5 more rows even, then cast on 16 sts at neck edge. Attach Blue and continue in pattern until there are 8 blue and 9 White stripes from beginning, bind off. Attach White at neck edge and working across the 20 shoulder sts. p 1 row, k 1 row, p 1 row, k 1 row, cast on 16 sts for other half of neck front, p 1 row, attach Blue and work same as opposite front, bind off.

On right side of work with Blue pick up and k 80 sts across the back, then k 3 more rows, break Blue.

Attach White, change to No. 6 needles and start open work pattern, k 1, * yarn over twice, k 1, repeat from * across row.

2nd Row. K 1, * drop the 2 yarn overs from needle without knitting them, k 1, repeat from * across row.

What’s that? You don’t believe new mothers are prone to suddenly losing their minds?

Clearly you have no idea just how much stress mothers were under in the 1940s.

And we modern mothers complain about the pressure to produce a perfect little genius. So what if we go broke purchasing all the necessary Baby Einstein products and enrolling them in pre-pre-school science class? At least we don’t have to cope with glowing, radioactive super-babies, shooting planes, trains and automobiles out of their giant floating heads!

3rd and 4th Rows. K across row. Repeat these 4 rows 8 more times, then k 4 rows, bind off loosely.

Right Front. With Blue and using No. 2 needles on right side of work pick up and k 44 sts across row, k 3 more rows even, break Blue.

Attach White, change to No. 6 needles, and work open work pattern same as back, then k 4 rows even, bind off loosely.

Work other front in same manner.

Sleeves. With Blue on No. 2 needles cast on 28 sts and k 4 rows.

Attach White, k 1 row, p 1 row, k 1 row, p 1 row.

With Blue, k 4 rows, fasten yarn and continue sleeve with White. With same needles k 1, * yarn over twice, k 1 and leave on left needle, yarn over twice, k in back of same st and slip off needle, (this is an increase) yarn over twice, k 1, repeat from * across row, do not increase in last st. Change to No. 6 needles and continue open work pattern same as jacket without any more increases until sleeve measures about 7 inches completing a pattern, bind off. Sew underarm seams. Sew sleeve seams and sew sleeves in position.

With White, work a row of s c up right side of yoke, around neck and down opposite side of front yoke, break yarn.

Attach yarn at neck and work a row of double knot sts around neck as follows:

* Draw up a ¼ inch loop on hook, yarn over and pull through ch, s c in single loop of st, draw up ¼ inch loop on hook, yarn over and pull through ch, s c in single loop of st (double knot st) skip 1 st, s c in next st. work a double knot st, s c in next s c, repeat from * around neck, break yarn. Work a row of double knot sts around cuffs of sleeves in same manner. Finish with ribbon bows as illustrated.

What’s more, mothers were literally slaves to every whim of their giant Post-War Boomer babies.

Knitted Bed Jacket
No. 4802
Small, Medium and Large Sizes

Materials Required – AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “DAWN” INFANT’S WOOL, Article W5.

1 oz. Balls.

Small Size – 8 Balls of any Pastel Shade and 1 Ball White.

Medium Size – 9 Balls of any Pastel Shade and 1 Ball White.

Large Size – 10 Balls of any Pastel Shade and 2 Balls White.

1 Pair Bone Knitting Needles No. 2.

1 Pair Bone Knitting Needles No. 6.

Bone Crochet Hook No. 2

1 ½ yds. Ribbon.

Gauge. Yoke – 7 sts = 1 inch.

Directions are given for Small size. Medium and Large sizes are given in brackets.

Back of Yoke. With Color on No. 2 needles cast on 94 sts (100 – 106) and k 1 row, p 1 row, k 1 row, p 1 row, k 1 row, p 1 row. Pick up White and k 4 rows. Repeat these 10 rows for yoke pattern. Work even until there are 5 Colored (5-6) and 5 White (5-6) stripes.

Next Row. Work across 30 sts, (32 – 34) bind off next 34 sts (36 – 38) for back of neck and continue pattern on last 30 sts (32 – 34) for shoulder. Work 1 stripe in Color, 1 in White and 1 in Color. With Color cast on 18 sts (22 – 26) at neck edge. Attach White and continue in pattern until there are as many stripes in front as in back, bind off and work other side to correspond.

So, one can hardly blame the 1940s mother for wanting to run screaming from the house. Or parking her child unattended in a pram outside the supermarket, in the optimistic hope that a childless woman might come along and steal him away.

On right front with No. 2 needles and White yarn, on right side of work, pick up 60 sts (63 – 66) and k 3 rows, break yarn. Attach Color, change to No. 6 needles and start open work pattern.

1st Row. K 1, * yarn over twice, k 1, repeat from * across row.

2nd Row. K 1, * drop the 2 yarn overs from needle without knitting them, k 1, repeat from * across row.

3rd and 4th Rows. K across row. Repeat these 4 rows for pattern. Work 1 more pattern. At the end of the 4th row of last pattern, cast on 7 sts for underarm and continue pattern until work measures about 11 inches (12 – 13) from underarm completing a pattern. K 4 more rows and bind off loosely. Work left front to correspond.

Back. With No. 2 needles and White yarn, on right side of work, pick up 120 sts (126 – 132) and k 3 rows, break yarn. Attach Color and work 6 rows of pattern.

Next 2 rows cast on 7 sts at the beginning of each row and continue pattern until back measures the same as the front finishing with K 4 rows.

Thank goodness, Dr. Spock appeared in 1946 to give harried mothers much needed guidance.

Oh no, he’s being devoured by a rabid pack of babies!

Oh, the humanity!

Sleeves. With White and No. 2 needles, cast on 40 sts (44 – 50) and k 4 rows. With Color, k 1 row, p 1 row, k 1 row, p 1 row. With White, k 4 rows, fasten White and continue sleeve with Color. With No. 2 needles k 1, * yarn over twice, k 1 and leave st on left needle, yarn over twice, k in back of same st and slip st off needle (this is an increase), yarn over twice, k 1, repeat from * across row. Do not increase in last st. Change to No. 6 needles and continue open work pattern (without anymore increases) until there are 20 patterns (21 – 23) or sleeve is desired length to underarm. Work 2 rows of next pattern.

Next 2 rows bind of 7 sts at the beginning of each row. Continue pattern, decreasing 1 st at the beginning of every 3rd and 4th row of pattern until 28 sts remain. Bind off remaining sts 2 at a time.

So, be kind to your mother, today. She survived raising you!

Click here for the printable pattern.
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No, this is not a 1940s Voodoo Doll...

Sally Spool from Gifts, Knitted and Crocheted, 1946

But Sally Spool does have magical powers!

Imagine giving your best friend a loose pile of thread spools for their birthday. She’d call you an unimaginative cheapskate, you’d tell her off for hitting on your husband, and the party ends in tears and recriminations. But Sally the spool doll transforms your penny-pinching present into a Gift Galore!

Because we all know what a capital “G” Gift is, right ladies?

A Gift is an expression of YOU.

Because everyone’s going to judge YOU based on the quality of your Gift. No pressure!

And what better way is there to express yourself than through hand-made items?

Which you found in a pattern book and then precisely followed the instructions to replicate. Because freedom of expression would lead to anarchy.

Here is a collection of gifts that are suitable for every one on your Birthday, Christmas, and Just-Because-I-Like-You List.

See that lady in the lower right hand corner? She’s totally thrilled that you gave her a doll made out of spools of thread.

Either that, or she’s melting everyone’s brains with her mutant powers of static electricity.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Sally Spool

Materials Required – AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “STAR” MERCERIZED SEWING THREAD, ARTICLE 400

17 Spools Assorted Shades.

1 Spool Black “AUNT LYDIA” Button and Carpet Thread, Article 1.

1 Spool White “STAR” Six Cord, Size 10.

1 – 100 yd. Skein Red “STAR” Cotton Yarn, Article 75.

2 Small Black Buttons for Eyes.

HEAD. Cut 2 oval pieces from any White material about 2 x 3 inches, sew them together leaving about 1 inch open at one end for filling. Fill with cotton.

Hey, the Materials Required list didn’t mention “White material”! Now, if I’m to complete this Gift in time, I have no choice but to assault Canadian actor Ryan Gosling.

Although, I’m quite relieved to find out that Sally is White. I had my fill of racist dolls in February, thank you very much.

With a heavy...

Hand? Heart? Foot on the gas pedal?

...cord...

Oh, that must be the Six Cord mentioned in the materials list! Apparently, the pattern designer doesn’t want me to tear anything else off Mr. Gosling’s body.

...string spool to be used for foot and tie in center of cord. Over the 2 strands of cord string 4 spools.

If you carefully colour-coordinate your spools, Sally could be a Rainbow Pride Spool doll.

To keep your colours straight, just remember “Roy G. Biv” – the Rainbow warrior who defeated Richard of York at the Battle of Wakefield and went on to found the Gay Pride movement!

Right?

String opposite foot and leg in same manner. Tie the 4 strands of cord together in a heavy knot. Run all cords through the Black Aunt Lydia, tie another heavy knot. Run all cords through the White “Star” Six Cord and tie an heavy knot.

Wait a second. If we’re using the White “Star” Six Cord as our doll’s body, that means we’re NOT using it to string Sally’s limbs.

Which means the “heavy cord” mentioned earlier is NOT in the materials list!

The arms are made the same as legs using 1 spool for each hand and 2 spools for each arm. Tie all cords around the last knot so cords cannot go through spool. Sew open section of head around knot. Embroider mouth with Red. Nose and eye brows with Black.

I guess it’s no surprise that red and black embroidery floss wasn’t listed in the materials list, either. Looks like I have no choice but to mug Paul Gross this time.

You hold him down while I grab his lanyard.

Use buttons for eyes as illustrated.

Be sure to exactly copy the look of horror in the doll’s eyes. She knows she’s fated to be dismembered the next time someone needs to reattach a button and there’s no black thread to be found in the sewing box.

Skirt. With “Star” Cotton Yarn, ch 23, 1 s c in 6th st from hook, * ch 5, s c in next st of ch, ch 5, s c in same st, ch 5, s c in next st, repeat from * to end of row, ch 5, turn.

The skirt is what makes Sally a crochet project, not just something you did in kindergarten class and proudly brought home for your Mother to hang on the Christmas tree.

And she did put it on the tree. The back of the tree. Against the wall. Where no one could see it.

She probably thought you wouldn’t notice, but you did. Oh yes, you did.

2nd Row. 1 s c in 1st 5 ch loop, * ch 5, 1 s c in next loop, repeat from * to end of row, ch 5, turn. Repeat 2nd row 4 times.

Did I mention that my Mother gave me a big box full of my grade school Christmas art projects when I moved out? “So you’ll have something for your tree,” she said, cheerfully.

But I know the REAL reason she gave me all my gifts back. She couldn’t bear the humiliation of having them disgracing her Christmas tree any longer.

7th Row. Ch 3, s c in 1st loop, ch 3, s c in same loop, * ch 3, s c in next loop, ch 3, s c in same loop, repeat from * to end of row, break yarn leaving a thread to sew back seam.

Unlike many of my early art projects, at least Sally is useful. She’s made of spools of thread, which will come in handy to repair clothes, string popcorn, and sew up wounds during the zombie apocalypse. And yes, you’ll be wanting to string popcorn during the zombie apocalypse.

Still, if the Gift recipient takes this doll apart to use it, she’ll feel guilty for destroying all the hard work the Gift-giver put into making it. But if she doesn’t use the thread, that means she didn’t appreciate your special Gift.

Hey, Sally Spool just might be the pinnacle of passive-aggressive Gifts!

Collar. Ch 15, and work 2 rows the same as skirt, then working across other side of ch, work 9, ch-3 loops, break yarn.

Pompon. Wind yarn about 25 times over a 2 ½ inch cardboard, remove and tie around center leaving 2 lengths about 2 ½ inches, trim. Make 6 more pompons in same manner.

Of course, not all spool dolls are hideous creations of a warped imagination. Some are actually quite adorable.

Earrings. Ch 2, 5 s c in 1st st of ch, break yarn and make another earring in same manner. Attach to side of head.

Place skirt around top of Black spool and sew in place.

Place collar around neck and sew. Using 2 strands of Cotton Yarn, run it through top of head, having about 6 inches at both sides, run strands through last spool from each side and tie at top. Tie 1 pompon at each side of spool at head, one at top of spool. Tie one pompon at each hand and foot.

And others are unspeakably cute!

I bet this is one handmade present that didn’t get hidden at the back of the Christmas tree.

But I guess I shouldn’t have issues about people not appreciating my Gifts Galores. After all, it’s not like a Gift is an expression of ME.

Oh wait, yes it is! *sob*

Click here for the printable pattern.


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It’s your duty to love Mother Earth!

Apron Bib pattern from “The New Baby Book”, 1947

And it’s also your duty to love all the bounty Mother Nature provides. And yes, Missy, that includes eating every single one of your vegetables.

What do you mean you don’t like hot peppers?

Don’t you know your Mother lovingly prepared your breakfast burritos by hand? Not only that, she also lovingly crocheted this jalapeño pepper bib, just to keep your clothes – that she sewed for you – clean!

Why can’t you be like Dutifully Beautiful Betty? Sure, she daydreams about cutlery dancing the jitterbug, but at least Betty knows it’s unwise to annoy Mother.

Because just like Mother Nature, you never know when she might erupt.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Materials Required: AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “DE LUXE” MERCERIZED CROCHET AND KNITTING COTTON, ARTICLE 346
1 – 300 yd. Ball White and “STAR” PEARL COTTON ARTICLE 90, Size 5, 1 – 50 yd. Ball each of Yellow and Green.
Steel Crochet Hook No. 8.

As your child is refusing to be dutifully beautiful, she clearly doesn’t deserve real DE LUXE COTTON. That’s right, you’re not being cheap by purchasing discount “DE LUXE” thread. You’re teaching your child there’s a price for disappointing Mother.

With White, ch 99, d c in 3rd ch from hook, skip 2 chs, s c in next ch, * ch 2, d c in same st, skip 2 chs, s c in next ch. repeat from * to end of row, ch 4, turn.
2nd Row. D c in 3rd st from hook, s c in s c, (an increase) * ch 2, d c in same s c, s c in next s c, (pattern) repeat from * to last s c, ch 2, d c in same s c, s c in ch 2 loop, ch 2, d c in same loop, (an increase) ch 2, turn.
3rd Row. D c in d c, ch 2, s c in next s c, continue in pattern across row.
4th Row. Increase 1 pattern at beginning and end of row, then work 1 row even.
6th Row. Increase 1 pattern at beginning and end of row, then work 2 rows even.
9th Row. Increase 1 pattern at beginning and end of row, then work in pattern until work measures 6 ½ inches from beginning.
Next 2 Rows. Decrease 1 pattern at beginning and end of each row, then work 1 row even. Decrease 1 pattern at end of every row until 30 patterns remain, then work even in pattern until work measures 11 inches from beginning.
Next Row. Work 12 patterns, ch 2, turn, then work 1 row even, ch 2, turn.
Next Row. Work 11 patterns, ch 2, turn.
Next Row. Decrease 1 pattern at end of row, (outer edge) ch 2, turn.
Next Row. Work 9 patterns, ch 2, turn.
Next Row. Decrease 1 pattern at end of row, ch 2, turn, then work 1 row even.
Next Row. Decrease 1 pattern at end of row, ch 2, turn and work 6 patterns, break thread.

Actually, you may want to reconsider using cotton, “DE LUXE” or otherwise. While it’s better than yarn made out of crystalline polypropylene polymers, there are more environmentally correct options like organic bamboo.

What? Bamboo yarn is manufactured using toxic chemical solvents? It’s not a green choice after all?

Don’t they realize it’s not nice to fool Mother Nature?!

Attach thread in 7th pattern from shoulder just made, leaving 6 patterns free for neck edge and work other shoulder to correspond.

EDGE. Attach Green in lower corner and work pattern st around entire bib, break thread.

TIE. With White, ch 111 and work same as first row of bib, break thread.
Attach Green and work edge around entire tie, break thread. Work another tie in same manner and sew to each side of neck as illustrated. Ch 150 and work two more ties in same manner. Sew in position at underarm.

CARROT.

Wait, carrots? Not hot peppers?

If you ask me, those things on Dutifully Beautiful Betty’s bib look a lot more like this:

Than this:

With Yellow...

Yellow? YELLOW carrots? Never mind what that says about the freshness of the produce, there’s no way anyone’s going to believe you’re crocheting a carrot.

...ch 4, 2 s c in 2nd ch from hook, 2 s c in each remaining ch, ch 1, turn.
2nd Row. 2 s c in each s c, ch 1, turn.
3rd & 4th Rows. Increase 1 s c in 1st and last s c working 1 s c in each remaining s c, ch 1, turn.
5th, 6th, 7th & 8th Rows. Work even in s c, ch 1, turn.
9th Row. Decrease 1 s c at beginning and end of row, ch 1, turn.
10th Row. Work even.
11th Row. Same as 9th row.
12th Row. Work even.
13th Row. Decrease 1 st at beginning of row, 1 s c in each remaining s c, ch 1, turn.
14th Row. Same as 9th row.
15th, 16th & 17th Rows. Work even.
18th, 19th & 20th Rows. Same as 13th row.
21st & 22nd Rows. Work even.
23rd Row. Same as 13th row.
24th Row. Work even.
25th & 26th Rows. Same as 13th row.
27th Row. Work even.
28th & 29th Rows. Same as 13th row.
30th Row. S c in s c, break thread.
Work another carrot in same manner.

I bet the pattern designer claimed these were carrots because 1940s gringa housewives thought a jalapeño was a Mexican jalopy.

But now that we know the truth, have fun and crochet them up in assorted hot pepper colours!

CARROT STEMS. With Green and working very tightly, work 4 stems 25 chs long and 2 stems 35 chs long. For each carrot tie 2 short and 1 long stems together at center and fasten to top of carrot.

Pencil very lightly “I like”, then with Green embroider in outline st. Sew carrots in position leaving stems free.

And if your child complains that her mouth is burning, just tell her it’s for her own good. Hot peppers will put hair on her chest!

Which will help keep her warm when you decide to go all out for environmentalism, turn off the power, and live a no-impact lifestyle.

Happy Earth Day!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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Something’s afoot, but it’s not fashion!

Stop and Go Shoe Socks and Hair Do’s from “Socks and Mittens for the Family”, 1941

Mother made her children stand in a line at the end of the kitchen, all of them wearing their new Stop and Go shoe-socks. “We’re going to play a game,” she announced cheerfully to her girls. “When I say ‘go’ you begin sliding your feet around on the floors until I call ‘stop’. It’ll be grand fun!”

The younger girls happily agreed, but the eldest, Petunia, was suspicious.

“Now, wait just one moment while I get the floor wax,” Mother added. “It’ll make you slide faster.”

“Hey!” exclaimed Petunia, suddenly realizing Mother’s diabolical plan. “This isn’t a game. This is Spring Cleaning!”

“Nonsense, Petunia,” said Mother, handing her eldest a pair of fluffy ‘Hair-Do’s’. “But if you’re not going to play our game, you have to wear these. Now, go stand in that cobwebby corner and shake your head at us. Vigorously. ”

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

STOP AND GO SOCKS

Sizes 8 ½ to 11

See Size Chart on Page 23

I’m not claiming that the very first time I tried to encode tables I crashed Blogger’s main server. I’m sure that was a coincidence. Nevertheless, it’s only prudent to put the Medium and Large sizes in brackets, rather than try to recreate the original formatting of this pattern.

Sizes: Small (Medium, Large)

With White, cast on loosely on No. 14 needles (dividing sts on 3 needles) 56 sts (60 sts, 64 sts).

Join, being careful not to twist. Work around in ribbing of k 1, p 1 for 2’’. Change to No. 11 needles and knit 1 rnd, decreasing 8 sts evenly around. Work in stockinette stitch (k each round) over these 48 sts (52 sts, 56 sts) until piece measures, in all 6 ½’’ (7’’, 7 ½’’).

With spare needle, knit from 1st needle 12 sts (13 sts, 14 sts).

Slip from 3rd needle onto other end of spare needle (for heel) 12 sts (13 sts, 14 sts).

Once upon a time, the only way to scrub a floor was on your knees, with a squalling infant tucked under one arm.

Divide between 2nd and 3rd needles (for instep) the remaining 24 sts (26 sts, 28 sts).

Turn and work over the heel sts only in stockinette stitch (p 1 row, k 1 row) for 2 ½’’. Bind off. Using only 1 needle, pick up along edge of heel 14 sts (15 sts, 16 sts). Place marker. Knit across instep sts; place another marker and pick up along other side of heel 14 sts (15 sts, 16 sts).

Dec. for instep as follows: 1st row: Purl back. 2nd row Knit to last 3 sts from 1st marker, then k 2 tog., k 1. Knit across instep to 2nd marker, then k 1, sl 1, k 1, p.s.s.o., knit to end. Repeat these 2 rows alternately until there remain 22 sts (24 sts, 26 sts).

Work straight until piece measures, from where sts were picked up at side of heel, 6 ½’’ (7 ½’’, 8 ½’’). Bind off loosely.

Then in 1941, came the technological breakthrough of Stop and Go Shoe Socks. Finally, harried housekeepers had a quick and easy way of buffing their floors to a brilliant shine.

Unfortunately, their popularity was short lived. In 1945, Astrid Lindgren published Pippi Longstocking, and by the end of the year everyone was strapping scrub brushes to their feet.

SOLE . . . With Scarlet and No. 11 needles cast on 20 sts (22 sts, 24 sts).

Measuring from last st on needle, mark off 5’’ of yarn. Double the yarn at this point and knot the doubled end, making a loop 1 ½’’ long. Measure off 5’’ from knot and make another loop the same way (knots will be about 3’’ apart). Continue to make knots and loops in the same way until about 20 loops are made. Cut through loops and work as follows: 1st row: Knit across, having all ends on one side of work. 2nd row: Knit until you reach a knot; then p 1 st, thus making the ends fall on the same side as previous ends. Repeat these 2 rows alternately, always making loops as before and working until piece measures, in all 8 ½’’ (9 ½’’, 10 ½’’). Bind off.

With Green, make corresponding sole.

Draw the word “STOP” on tissue paper, baste to sock and embroider with double strand of Scarlet in chain stitch. On other sick, place the word “GO” and embroider in Green. Sew sock to sole on all sides, having the Scarlet sole on “STOP” sock and the Green sole on “GO” sock.

Nowadays, all the cool kids are experimenting with Swiffering.

But can a Swiffer teach your children how to read while keeping your floors dust free? Does a Swiffer use clever embroidery to ensure your child knows that green means go and red means stop?

No! Swiffer wants your children to be illiterate, and get run over by a bus! So, it’s high time to STOP mocking this pattern, and GO make a pair of these practical, educational and fashionable shoe-socks.

HAIR ORNAMENTS:

Okay, so the Stop and Go shoe socks aren’t exactly stylish. Clearly, the solution is matching hair ornaments.

With Scarlet and No. 11 needles, cast on 20 sts. Work in loop stitch as for sole of sock for 3’’. Bind off. Make corresponding ornament with Green. Sew corners together on wrong side and fasten to hair with bobby pins.

That’s right, these aren’t wilted pompons or dead Tribbles. They’re Hair Ornaments. In fact, they’re called Hair Do’s, so you can be confident that these loopy dust catchers are a Fashion Do not a Fashion Don’t.

Although, they really didn’t catch on until the 1980s.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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