The World is Going to Hell in a Handbag!

Initial Knitting Bag from Star Variety Show, 1942

And this is the only purse that’s Hellspawn approved for carrying damned souls into the fiery pit.

Yes, you’d think demons would have more attractive accessories for the Apocalypse. But even the most ignorant imp knows that one glimpse of that big fuzzy H will cause the hardiest housewife to abandon all hope.

Now, I’m no theologian, so I don’t know why Satan’s spawn would want a handbag that doubles as a dust mop. I suppose paving the road to Hell with good intentions can be dusty work. However, everyone knows that Swiffers are the preferred cleaning tool of the dark side.

April Fools! It’s actually a prank knitting bag not a demonic purse!

Of course, this pattern’s a prank. No one would seriously want to dust their home with a knitting bag.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

INITIAL KNITTING BAG – No. 2116
Materials Required – AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “GEM” COTTON YARN.

6 Skeins Light Henna or any Color desired.

As long as that colour is bland. Attractive knitting bags are just asking to be stolen. And personalizing it with your initial will not protect you from every Helen, Hazel and Harriet with a police record.

Bone Crochet Hook Number 4 or 5.

Front. Ch 45 and work 44 s c on ch, ch 1, turn and work 23 more rows of s c.

The irony of a crocheted knitting bag is not lost on me. However, it all makes perfect sense as long as you remember this rubric:

Rock smashes scissors
Scissors cut paper
Paper disproves Spock
Spock sells Crochet
Crochet smothers Knitting
Knitting yarn bombs Rock

25th Row. Decrease 1 st at both ends and work 1 row even. Repeat the last 2 rows 7 times, break yarn and work a second section.

Gusset. Ch 4 and work 3 s c on ch, ch 1, turn. Work 8 more rows of s c even.

Next Row. * Increase 1 st and work 8 rows even. Repeat from * twice.

Next Row. Increase 1 st and work 30 rows even. Next row. Decrease 1 st, then decrease 1 st every 9th row 3 times.

In 1942, the bigger the knitting bag the better. No undersized knitting bag/dust mop was going to defeat Hitler.

Tufting. Cut strands 2 inches long, take 24 strands for each tuft and tie about 1 inch apart around edges of both sides of bag.

Initial. Outline with a basting thread the letter desired. Cut strands 1½ inches long, take 24 strands for each tuft and place about ½ inch apart.

Tufting is natural. Tufting is good. Not everybody tufts, but everybody should.

Shoulder Cord. Ch 5, 1 s c in each ch. Next row, 1 s c in each s c. Without joining rows, repeat this row until cord measures 35 inches or is length desired.

Is length desired? Probably, but don’t crochet a long enough rope to hang yourself.

Sew gusset in position. Sew shoulder cord to each side at gusset. Make ten 5 ch loops leaving an end to sew to bag for drawstring. Sew loops starting in second row about 3 inches apart.

Drawstring. Make a ch about 26 inches long, lace through loops and finish with a knot at each end.

That’s right, no zippers. All metal was needed for the war effort. And no lining either, because our brave boys at the front need silky underwear.

Yes, that meant the knitting needles stuck out the sides of the bag. Which made it an excellent weapon for beating up Nazis.

In wartime, every little bit helps!

Click here for the printable pattern.