Yes, the first time a new bride welcomes her husband into her most private sanctum is a nerve-racking affair. It’s that magical moment when, with trembling hands … dare I say it … she sets the table for breakfast.
That’s right, what happens in your breakfast nook is far more important to your marital bliss than all that neurotic nudity in the bridal boudoir. So, there’s no such thing as too much attention to detail here. Note how perfectly the place mats have been aligned, and how the spoons have been arranged with precision behind the cups, each of them filled exactly three quarters of an inch from the rim. A ruler is a newlywed’s best friend – so long it’s kept out of the bedroom!
See how everything on the table has been carefully labeled? Heaven knows, otherwise a silly girl might end up stuffing the napkins into the jam jar, storing the jelly in her bra, and the bridal brunch would descend into chaos, pure CHAOS!
Ahem. Of course, it’s anyone’s guess how the newly-minted housewife was supposed to get the jelly out of that impractically shaped jelly-jar, much less clean it afterwards. But then again, tears and recriminations are naturally a part of a girl’s first time.
For the complete pattern (if you can even call it a “pattern”):
Knitted Place Mats
Simple and Quick to Make
For once, there’s absolutely nothing misleading about this description. These placemats are incredibly simple to make.
In fact, they’re so simple, that if you skip the “bind off” part of the instructions and just keep going, you’ll end up with a Dr. Who Scarf!
I’m a bit obsessed with Time Lord accessories right now, because I’m actually working on one for my son. Which he WILL wear! Because after thirteen years he’s learned to respect (and fear) the phrase “Handmade by Mother”.
No, that’s not my son.10 ½ x 18 Inches
AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “AUNT LYDIA’S” HEAVY RUG YARN
If you’re determined to break Aunt Lydia’s heart by using an inferior product, I strongly recommend Red Heart Supersaver. Not only is it inexpensive and hypoallergenic, Red Heart will give your placemats a nice scratchy texture guaranteed to keep your kids’ elbows off the table!7 – 70 yd. skeins Bongo
2 – 70 yd. skeins Lt. Yellow will make 4 mats
Wait – what the heck is a “Bongo”?
Yes, but an African antelope seems like an unlikely inspiration for a 1960s, whitebread place setting.
Ah ha! Bongo was also the name of a Disney circus bear who wore a red jacket with yellow stripes.
I assume that after the designer turned Bongo’s jacket into a place mat, she used the rest of him as a kitschy living room decoration.
1 Pr. Knitting Needles No. 9 or ANY SIZE WHICH WILL RESULT IN STITCH GAUGE BELOW
GAUGE: 4 sts = 1 inch
ALWAYS CHECK YOUR GAUGE! THE GAUGE IS GOD! IF YOUR PLACEMATS ARE TOO SMALL OR LARGE YOU’RE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!NOTE: Entire mat is worked in garter st (K each row).
With Bongo cast on 42 sts. NEXT 10 ROWS: K across each row, drop Bongo. Then work as follows: 10 rows Lt. Yellow, 76 rows Bongo, 10 rows Lt. Yellow, 10 rows Bongo. Bind off.
Block to measurements.
Work 3 more mats in same manner.
Of course, even if you get THE ALL IMPORTANT GAUGE right, you’re still condemned to the mind-numbingly, tedious hell of making these place mats. And staring at them every morning over your cup of coffee will cause many of your brain cells die of sheer boredom.
Still, there’s worse ways to cause brain damage over breakfast!
Click here for the printable pattern. (Hah!)