The Afghan Stephen King Would Crochet

Cluster stitch coverlet from Woman’s Day Granny Squares, No. 2, 1974

The most sophisticated granny of all!

Yes, this redrum afghan could only be found in the most sophisticated Hotels of the 1970s, such as the Overlook.

This eye-catching cluster stitch coverlet mirrors the super-graphic mood of many of today’s artists.

If by “super-graphic mood”, you mean such nihilistic classics as Stanley Kubrick’s ultraviolent A Clockwork Orange or Sam Peckinpah’s ultra-ultraviolent Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia.

Not that I’m recommending you watch these two films back to back. However if you do, this cluster stitch coverlet is the perfect afghan to curl up in to enjoy your very own Man’s Inhumanity to Man film festival. Or the perfect afghan to hide under whimpering, afterwards.

Four colors, crocheted in a variety of sixteen motifs, create this work of art.

I’m not sure this afghan qualifies as a work of art, but then again I never understood why this painting cost over 1.7 million dollars either.

Maybe this is the Voice of Fire afghan?

Sport yarn.

Now, I understand why this afghan doesn’t give equal play to all four colours! After having to crochet 176 of these eye-catching motifs because the artist insisted on sport weight yarn, I’d be seeing red too.

It also explains why there was a $10,000 bounty for the head of the anonymous afghan artist.

For the complete pattern (and the secret identity of the artist!):

CLUSTER STITCH COVERLET

SIZE: Approximately 52 ½’’ x 75’’.
MATERIALS: Sport yarn, 22 ozs. deep blue, 16 ozs. bright red, 11 ozs. dark red, 14 ozs. green, 7 ozs. turquoise. Crochet hook size D, or size required to crochet to gauge.

Hang on, deep blue, bright red, dark red, green and turquoise adds up to five colours not four!

But at least the identity of the anonymous artist is no longer a mystery.

GAUGE: Each square = 4 ½’’.

CLUSTER: Draw up the loop on hook to ½’’, (yo and draw up ½’’ loop in same sp) twice, yo and through all 5 loops on hook, ch 1 to complete cluster.

NOTE: Complete clusters are used only on Rnd 1 and at corners. Between corners on side edges the first half of cluster is worked in same sp as preceding cluster and 2nd half is worked in next sp. When changing colors always fasten off one color after the joining sl st. To attach next color, attach yarn in the corner ch-2 sp. ch 1, turn, then pull up ½’’ loop to begin cluster.

NOTE: It’s not too late to turn back now.

SQUARES: Make 176. With bright red, work 50 squares through Rnd 2, finish 10 with green (A), 26 with deep blue (B), 14 with turquoise (C); work 18 squares through Rnd 3, finish 6 with green (D), 4 with turquoise (E), 8 with deep blue (F); work 38 squares through Rnd 4, finish 19 with deep blue (G), 11 with green (H), 8 with turquoise (J); work 14 squares through Rnd 5, finish 7 with deep blue (L), 4 with turquoise (M), 3 with green (N); finish all with seep blue (O). With dark red, work 29 squares through Rnd 6, finish 14 with turquoise (P), 13 with green (Q).

I wasn’t surprised that there was no square I, as it could easily be confused with the letter J. However, O and Q can also be mistaken for each other, and there’re both there. Plus there’s the mystery of why there’s no square K.

Perhaps “I” was omitted to deliberately eliminate the artist’s ego from her creation, which would also explain why she chose to remain anonymous. As for “K”, it’s true that Nikita Khrushchev was no friend to sophisticated modern art, but c’mon by 1974 he’d been dead for three years. Time to let it go, my droog.

Ch 6, join with sl st to form a ring. Rnd 1: Work 8 clusters in ring, sl st in top of first cluster, sl st in next ch-1 sp, turn. Rnd 2: In same ch-sp as sl st, work (1 cluster, ch 2 and 1 cluster) for corner. ** ch 1, yo insert hook into the same space. * pull up ½’’ lp (first half of cluster made), yo insert hook into next space, pull up ½’’ lp, yo, pull through 5 sts on hook, ch 1, (second half of cluster made) *, yo and in the same space as 2nd half of previous cluster repeat from * to * once, ch 1, work corner in same sp as 2nd half of last cluster, repeat from ** around, end last repeat work second half of last cluster in same sp as first corner, ch 1, sl st to top of first cluster, sl st in corner sp, turn. Rnd 3: Repeat Rnd 2 having two more clusters n each side edge between corners, and working corners as before in corner ch-2 sp between clusters – 4 clusters on each side and 4 corner groups. Rnds 4, 5, 6, 7: Repeat Rnd 3, increasing the clusters on each side respectively to 6, 8, 10 and 12.

Note how modern artists don’t have any truck with straightforward instructions or spaces between rounds. Conformity kills, man!

FINISHING: Following the color sequence chart, sew or crochet the squares together.

And by colour sequence chart, they mean a hidden word Sudoku gone horribly wrong.

Hey, I bet if you read the chart just right, it will reveal the whereabouts of the artist who inflicted this sport yarn nightmare upon us. So far, I’ve only able to figure out Mop, Hop, Pop, and a scatological word that I won’t repeat. I can only conclude that Cluster Stitch Barbie’s hiding out in an adult’s only Dr. Seuss book.

Edging: With dark red, work 13 rnds of cluster st around entire afghan.

That’s right, because what this pattern needs is more red.

Now that you have your afghan work of art, you need a place to display it. And I know just the place for it in Anchorage, Alaska.

Quick, get that man a redrum afghan before he catches a chill!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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This is Not a Harlequin Afghan!

Harlequin Afghan from Woman’s Day Granny Squares, Number 5, 1977

According to wisegeek.com: “A harlequin pattern is a repeating pattern of contrasting diamonds or elongated squares standing on end. Traditional clown suits are made in a red and white harlequin pattern.”

And as everyone knows, geeks are both omniscient and infallible. Therefore, this afghan with its circles and striped squares is definitely not a harlequin.

Now, this is a harlequin.

 

Actually, this is Freddie Mercury rocking a harlequin bodystocking in 1977. So, the designer of this afghan can’t claim ignorance when it comes to knowing what a harlequin pattern looks like.

After all, who could possibly have overlooked that man?

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

HARLEQUIN AFGHAN

SIZE: About 45 1/2’’ by 66 1/2’’.
MATERIALS: Knitting worsted weight yarn, about 48 ozs. including white and as many colors as desired. Aluminum crochet hooks sizes G and J or K, or size required to crochet to gauge.

GAUGE: 7 sc and 7 rnds of sc = 2’’ with G hook; each round is about 10 1/2’’ in diameter.

NOTE: There are 17 colors in the afghan shown. To help allocate colors, each round requires about 1 1/2 ozs. in all, each stripe of a square takes about 3 yds., each triangle about 11 1/2 yds. of one color. Except for the white border, changes in dye lot will not be apparent, so yarn need not be purchased at one time.

Seventeen different colours! I suspect the designer of this afghan didn’t care about adherence to international harlequin standards. She was just looking for an excuse to clean out her yarn stash.

Just like the designer of these sequined harlequin knickers had an overabundance of Mardi Gras decorations she was desperate to use up!

ROUNDS: Make 24 in colors of your choice plus white. With color and G hook ch 4, join with a sl st to form a ring.
Rnd 1: Work 8 sc in ring, do not join but continue around, marking the beg of rnds throughout.
Rnd 2: 2 sc in each sc around.
Rnd 3: * 2 sc in next sc, sc in each of next 2 sc, repeat from * around.
Continue to inc about 8 sts at even intervals on every rnd, but only enough to keep the Round flat – if inc’s are not made directly over previous inc’s, a more round shape will result. Work in color for 10 rnds, with white for 2 rnds, with same color for 3 rnds, then last 2 rnds with white.

Sadly, back in the seventies, there were few creative outlets for women over-endowed with yarn. Nowadays, you don’t have to restrict yourself to a boring old afghan.

Even if you want to crochet a harlequin!

SQUARES: Make 15, working 2 rows of each of 6 colors for each Square. With G hook and first color ch 19.
Row 1: Hdc in 3rd ch from hook and in each remaining ch – 18 hdc counting ch-2 at beg of row; turn.
Row 2 (right side of square): Ch 1, sc in back lp of each hdc, sc in top of ch-2, working off last lps with next color.
Row 3: Ch 2 (for first hdc), hdc in both lps of each of next 17 sc; turn.
Repeat Rows 2 and 3 for 12 rows in all – 6 stripes. Fasten off yarns.

TRIANGLES: In one color for each only, make 16. Ch 20. In the same manner as for Squares, work in hdc and sc, but dec 1 st at each end of 2nd and remaining rows until all sts are worked off.

The world is your palette. Literally!

ASSEMBLING: At diametrically opposite points, mark north, south, east and west positions on the perimeter of each Round. Hold 2 Rounds right sides together, matching any of the marks. On wrong side overcast through the inside lps across 2 or 3 sts on each side of a mark. Join another Round to a joined one at a diametrically opposite point in the same way and continue until 4 Rounds are joined. Assemble 5 more rows of rounds. Then in the same manner join the 6 rows of Rounds together. Next, pin each Square into an opening between Rounds in diamond position, and overcast in place in the same way. Set the Triangles in the spaces around the outside of the afghan to even the edge.

BORDER: With white work 5 rnds of sc around the entire afghan, inc’ing as necessary to keep the “corners” flat. With double white yarn and J or K hook, work a rnd of reverse sc, skipping an occasional st if necessary so as not to stretch out the edge.

Okay, despite what I claimed above, not all harlequins are multi-coloured or diamond-patterned. For instance, the harlequin Great Dane is a big black-and-white spotted dog. But when it comes to my canine harlequins, I’m a traditionalist.

Click here for the printable pattern.

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This Is Not a Christmas Afghan

Bedspread and Pillow patterns from Mon Tricot Special Crochet, c. 1980

There is nothing Christmassy about this afghan.

But it’s red and green, you say?

Bah, humbug!

This, my friend, is “A Great Classic.” Mon Tricot further assures me that this is “Old Colonial style in its most classic form; patchwork motifs with a raised center dress up a bed or divan to perfection.”

You still have doubts? Why just look at this picture of an Old Colonial style patchwork quilt.

You see? The resemblance is uncanny!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

A GREAT CLASSIC

This is not a safe house where elves go to the mattresses.

Size. Bed-spread: 39 1/2 ins. by 70 ins. Pillow: Approx. 18 ins. square.

Materials. 35 oz. 4-ply knitting worsted in green, col. A; same quantity in red, col. B; 7 oz. in white, col. C; a crochet hook size H/8 (5); lining fabric and foam scraps for making pillow form.

Stitches Used. 1. Chain (ch.) See p. 5. 2. Slip stitch (sl.st.). 3. Single crochet (s.c.). 4. Double crochet (d.c.). See basic stitches. p. 10-11.

If you’re going to make this bedspread without knowing these basic stitches, you need more help than I can give you.

Gauge. One square measures just under 8 ins. each way.

SQUARE. Using col. A work 4 ch. and join into a ring by working a sl.st. into 1st ch. Round 1. Col. A. Work 8 s.c into ring, join with a sl.st. to 1st s.c. Round 2. Col. A. Make a long loop by drawing out the loop on hook to 5/8 in., *insert hook in 1st s.c., y.o.h., draw thru a long loop, then into same st. work (y.o.h., insert hook into st., y.o.h., draw thru a long loop) 3 times in same st., y.o.h., and draw yarn thru all 8 loops on hook, 3 ch., miss next s.c., * rep. between *’s 3 times more, 1 sl.st. into the st. which drew together the 1st petal. You have made 4 petals on round.

That’s 5/8ths of an inch. Not half an inch, or 3/4ths of an inch. 5/8ths!

So make sure you’ve got your ruler handy. And you better skip those meds you were prescribed for your Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

After all, who needs drugs, when crocheting alone will give you a deranged smile and glassy, staring eyes?

Round 3. Col. A. Sl.st. into 1st 3-ch. arc, * in same arc work a petal thus: insert hook beneath arc, y.o.h., draw thru a long loop, (y.o.h., insert hook beneath arc, y.o.h., draw thru a long loop) 4 times, y.o.h., and draw yarn thru all 10 loops on hook – petal completed – 3 ch., then work another petal in same arc, * rep. between *’s 3 times more, thus working 2 petals with 3 ch. between them into each of the 4 arcs, and finish in same way as Round 2. Round 4. Col. A. Sl.st. into 3-ch. arc between 1st and 2nd petals – this is the 1st corner – into this arc work 3 ch. to stand as 1 d.c., then 2 d.c., 3 ch., 3 d.c. into same arc, * 2 ch., then into next corner arc work 3 d.c., 3 ch., 3 d.c., * rep. between *’s twice more, 2 ch., 1 sl.st. into 3rd of 3 ch. at beg. of round. Fasten off.

And don’t forget, this is not a Christmas Afghan. It’s Old Colonial style patchwork, and that means you can proudly display it all year round!

Trust me, your family will be thrilled.

Round 5. Col. B. Join yarn to a corner arc of 3 ch., then into this arc work 3 ch. to stand as 1 d.c., then 3 d.c., 3 ch., 3 d.c. into same arc, * 2 ch., then 3 d.c. in 2-ch. sp. on side, 2 ch., then into next corner arc work 3 d.c., 3 ch., 3 d.c., * rep between *’s twice more, 2 ch., 3 d.c., in 2-ch. sp. on 4th side, 2 ch., sl.st. into top of 3 ch. at beg. Round 6. Col. B. Sl.st. in each of 1st 2 d.c., 1 sl.st. into corner arc, then into this arc work 3 ch., 2 d.c., 3 ch., 3 d.c. into same arc, * (2 ch., 3 d.c. into 2 ch. sp. on side) twice, 2 ch., then into corner arc work 3 d.c., 3 ch., 3 d.c., * rep. between *’s twice more, (2 ch., 3 d.c. into 2-ch. sp. on 4th side) twice, 2 ch., sl.st. into top of 3 ch. at beg. Fasten off. Round 7. Col. A. Join yarn to a corner arc and into this arc work 3 ch., 2 d.c., 3 ch., 3 d.c., * (2 ch., 3 d.c. into 2-ch. sp. on side) 3 times, 2 ch., then into corner arc work 3 d.c., 3 ch., 3 d.c., * rep. between *’s twice more, (2 ch., 3 d.c., into 2-ch. sp. on 4th side) 3 times, 2 ch., sl.st. into top of 3 ch. at beg. Fasten off.

This is not a Christmas nipple.

BED-SPREAD. Work 22 squares as described above, these will be called Square A, then make 23 squares using col. B for center and Round 7, and col. A for Rounds 5 and 6. These will be called Square B. Join squares into bands as follows: for 1st band take 5 squares, starting with square B, then square A, then B, then A, then B. To join the squares place 2 squares together, right sides inside, and working on wrong side using col. B and working thru both thicknesses, work 2 s.c. into corner arc, 3 ch., (2 s.c. in next 2 ch. sp. on the 2 squares 3 ch.) 4 times, 2 s.c. in corner arc. When all 5 squares are joined make 2nd band of 5 squares, beg. with square A, then B, then A, and so on. Continue forming bands in this way until you have 9 bands using all the squares and assemble them in same way, always alternating colors.

Here’s another Colonial-Style home, providing further proof of the undeniable kinship between this afghan and Early Americana.

That’s not a candy cane on the couch. It’s an Old Colonial crochet hook.

Border. Working on right side and using col. B, work a round of s.c. working 1 s.c. in each d.c., 2 d.c. in each 2-ch. sp., 1 s.c. in joining point between 2 adjacent squares, and 3 s.c. in corner arc at the 4 corners of bed spread.

PILLOW. For front of pillow work 4 squares as for bed-spread, using col. A for Rounds 1, 2, 3 and 4, col. C for Rounds 5 and 6 and col. A for Round 7.
Back. Using col. C work 42 ch. and work in rows of d.c. for 24 rows. Now all round outer edge of this piecework a round of s.c. using C. working 1 s.c. in each d.c. along last row and 1 s.c. in each ch. at other end, 3 s.c. in 1 st. at corners and along sides work * (2 s.c. into side of 1 d.c.) 3 times, 1 s.c. into side of next d.c., * rep. between *’s 5 times more. Now work another round of s.c. working 3 s.c. into center s.c. at each corner. Fasten off.

And this is not a Christmas tree!

completion. Using col. C join the 4 squares of front in same way as for bed-spread then all around outer edges work 1 round of s.c. using col. A and working 42 s.c. on each side and 3 s.c. in 1 st. at corners. Join back and front together along 3 sides, having wrong sides inside and working s.c. using col. A thru both thicknesses. Now cut out lining double, making it same size as pillow plus seam allowance. Join on three sides, stuff firmly, then sew up end. Insert pillow form inside cover, and join along 4th side as before. If preferred a purchased pillow form of correct size can be used.

As Mon Tricot was published in France, it’s possible that they were referring to the French Colonial style rather than the American one. So, let’s take a look at an example of a “French Colonial Bedroom”.

 

Zut alors! What this room needs is a red and green Not-Christmas afghan!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

CSI: Phentex

“Hailstone” Afgan from Phentex Decoration 2000, 1972.

In the 1970s, young women were warned not to wander through autumnal woodlands by themselves. Of course, they were never told the real reason why. For decades, Phentex Inc. hid the true nature of their non-fading and stain resistant yarns. But after months of stouthearted sleuthing, I’ve finally uncovered this photographic proof of Phentex’s dark side.

You see, Phentex only manages to keep its colours from fading by hibernating during the winter months. Accordingly, every autumn, Phentex is driven by an overwhelming compulsion to stock up on as many calories as it can. Unlike other woodland predators, however, Phentex is a sophisticated tool user, and often uses furniture to lure unsuspecting prey into its fatal embrace.

In the photo above, a young woman is desperately trying to resist the hypnotic gaze of Phentex’s beady red and white eyes. “You’re tired after your long walk,” Phentex insidiously whispers in her mind. “Why not rest awhile on this convenient and in no way suspicious brass bed in the middle of the forest.” If she’s foolish enough to lie down, Phentex’s stain resistant yarn will rapidly shed any incriminating evidence of her gory end.

What? No, this scenario wasn’t dreamt up by someone who has an unhealthy obsession with Phentex and who was also traumatized by Hinterland’s Who’s Who as a child! I didn’t want to include the next piece of evidence, out of concern for this blog’s more sensitive readers, but your baseless accusations have forced my hand! Now, if you dare, look upon the terrible sight of Phentex after it’s made a brutal kill.

 

For more information on Phentex, contact the Canadian Wildlife Service, in Ottawa.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

“Hailstone” Afgan

Hailstone? I guess the two white circles could be gigantic hailstones. The red squares could be blood stains from all of the skulls these apocalyptic hailstones cracked open. And I suppose you’d then want to lay out these bloody hailstones on a geometric grid as you’d need DNA testing to identify the badly pummeled corpses. There, the name “Hailstone” Afgan now makes perfect sense!

And yes, that’s Afgan. When making an afghan out of Phentex the h is both silent and invisible.

Size: 81” X 72”.

Material: Phentex 3 ply – red 15 balls white 14 balls navy 6 balls

Crochet: No. 3. American no 10.

Just because Phentex is less popular now than in the 1970s, don’t mistakenly believe you’re safe. Phentex is still a vicious killer.

Stitches: s.c.—d.c.—h.d.c.

Row 1—Ch. 4, close by a sl. st.
Row 2—(white)—16 d.c. in the same space.
Row 3—(red)—*3 d.c. in same st., 3 d.c. in next 3 sts. * (4 times)
Row 4—*3 d.c. in same st. (in the center d.c. of prec. row) 5 d.c. in next 5 d.c.* (4ts)

Note how desperately these instructions huddle together in fear, not allowing any spaces between the dashes or rows. The second instruction to repeat 4 times was so terrified of ending up on a separate line that it collapsed hysterically into ‘4ts’. It was never the same again.

Row 5—*3 d.c. in same st., 7 d.c. in next 7 d.c. * (4 times)
Row 6—(white) *3 d.c. in same st., 2 d.c. in next 2 d.c., 1 h.d.c. in next st., 3 s.c. in next 3 sts., 1 h.d.c., 3 d.c. *

Now, it’s true that one brave Canadian soul has harnessed Phentex’s killer instincts for beneficial purposes. Well, beneficial unless you’re a fish.

Row 7—*3 d.c. in same st., 3 d.c. in next 3 d.c., 1 d.c., 3 s.c., 1 h.d.c., 3 d.c. *
Row 8—(red) *3 d.c. in same st., 3 d.c., 1 h.d.c., 5 s.c., 1 h.d.c., 3 d.c. *
Row 9—(red)/ 3 d.c. in the same stitch 2 d.c.—2 tr.c. 7 s.c.—2 tr.c.—2 d.c. *

Still, Handmade by Mother recommends leaving such risky endeavors to professional Phentex wranglers. After all, even professional pattern editors can get so rattled by Phentex’s deadliness that typos, such as the above “/”, are given free range and commas are dropped willy-nilly.

Row 10—(white)* 3 d.c. in the same stitch 3 d.c.2 tr.c., 7 s.c., 2 tr.c., 3 d.c. *
Row 11—(navy) Make one row of s.c. all around making 3 s.c. at the angles.
Assemble squares by one row of s.c. navy placing 9 scares long and 8 squares large.

If you are foolhardy enough to crochet this “Blood-Soaked Hailstones of the Apocalypse Ready for DNA Testing” Afgan, at least take the precaution of wearing appropriate protective gear.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!