The Days of Dysfunctional Summer

Water Sprite Suit from “The Children’s Book” 1935

Summer is coming!

Sure, it’s hard for those of us stuck in the Great White North to believe that right now, with all the snow piled up outside our windows. But it’s true. Summer is a mere four months away and that’s barely enough time to begin planning your children’s beach-side humiliation.

If you don’t start now, you’ll only have a half-finished Sprite Suit come August, and your well-adjusted, happy children won’t need a psychiatrist when they’re grown. Face facts, dysfunctional families now outnumber the so-called normal ones. So, if you want your children to fit in with the cool kids, you need to knit up this suit now to ensure a summer of sand, sun and suffering.

One day, your children will thank you.*


*Handmade by Mother is not responsible should your grown children’s gratitude be expressed by replying to your Christmas cards with cease and desist letters.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Water Sprite Suit No. 780

Size 1-2 Years

The perfect age! There are just two times in your life when you will be blissfully unconcerned with what you wear. The first is when you’re too young to read fashion magazines:

And the second is when you’re old enough to know that supermodels are the true fashion victims.

MATERIALS – Bear Brand or Bucilla Cassimere Sport Yarn,
1 ball Main Color, 1 ball Contrasting Color.
1 pair Bucilla 14-inch Steel Knitting Needles, Size 1, Article 3499.

Be careful with those steel needles. I own several, and their points have a distressing habit of getting sharper with use. Eventually, you’re either constantly snagging wool on them or sticking their thorn-like tips through your fingers.

So, do your best not to injure yourself, as blood is not a positive addition to most fibre projects.

2 Bucilla Steel Needles, Sock Size, No. 14, Article 3494.

Unless you think you might have cancer, in which case stabbing yourself with your needles might save your life!

1 Bucilla Steel Crochet Hook, Size 4, Article 4300.

Gauge: 8 stitches = 1 inch, 12 rows = 1 inch.

With contrasting color and the small steel needles, cast on 64 sts; work in stockinette stitch (k 1 row, p 1 row) for 14 rows; break off yarn, leaving an end to sew with. With main color work 8 rows, with contrasting color 8 rows. Break off contrasting color and change to the large needles; work 2 rows even. Increase 1 st at both ends in next row, and in every 12th row thereafter, until there are 5 increases at each side (74 sts on needle).

If you lose count, you will only shame yourself, and not your child.

Work 7 rows even after the last increase. Bind off 4 sts at beginning of each of the next 4 rows, 2 sts at beginning of each of the following 10 rows, and 1 st at beginning of every row until 22 sts are left on needle. Work 5 rows even and then bind off.

Make a duplicate piece. Sew (or weave) the 2 halves together at crotch.

If you were planning to weave the crotch, putting the last 22 stitches on a spare needle would have been preferable to binding them off. Given that you were following the instructions carefully, it’s likely too late now and you’ll just have to put a seam in there.

Better hope your child isn’t the sort who acts like sock seams are toe-eating monsters.

Sew sides together. Turn in the first 6 rows around waist and hem. Work a row of single crochet around legs.

Straps – With main color and the fine needles, cast on 2 sts, k 1 row, turn, k 2 sts in each st. Next row, k 2 sts in first st, k 1, p 1, k 2 sts in last st; turn, k 2 sts in first st, p 1, k 1, p 1, k 1, k 2 sts in last st (8 sts on needle). Continue to work in ribbing of k 1, p 1, and to increase at beginning and end of every row, until there are 14 sts on needle. Work even in ribbing for 3 ¾ inches. K together the first 2 sts and the last 2 sts in every row until 2 sts are left; fasten off. Make a duplicate piece. Cast on 14 sts for the long strap, work in ribbing of k 1, p 1, until strap measures 23 inches; bind off.

While the halter straps are by far the most bizarre looking part of this swimsuit, they’re also the most practical. Much to your child’s chagrin, this handmade swimwear won’t easily float off their body and disappear into the surf.

Fold a pointed strap double and sew to center of front (see illustration), with one point on right side and the other on under side. Sew second pointed strap in same way to center of back. Insert the long strap in loops, join ends and tack to loop on back.

Now stuff your child into the suit and take lots of photos. Have the pictures blown up and laminated, so you can bring them out at every big event: birthdays, Christmases, bar/bat mitzvahs, graduations, weddings. Revel in the sweet revenge for years of sticky fingers, destroyed furniture and sleepless nights.

I mean, revel in the photographic proof that you were a good parent, and that your child never once doubted your fashion sense.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

Belly Button Censorship Makes a Comeback!

Striped Swimsuit/Beach Mat from Good Housekeeping Needlecraft, Spring-Summer 1972.

Thank goodness! During the 1940s through 1960s, TV censors knew that North Americans couldn’t cope with seeing a grown woman’s omphalos. After all, the navel automatically reminds people of sub-navel activities that are best confined to the bedroom with the lights turned off.

So, we never found out if Mary Ann of Gilligan’s Island had an innie or an outie, and we dreamed of a Jeanie whose lint catcher was covered up by red and pink pantaloons. Alas, in 1969, Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In went after the belly laughs by exposing the belly button, and the genie was out of the bottle for good.

Fortunately, our bathing beauty from 1972 bucked the trend by crocheting up a swimsuit that kept her one-eyed Mabel decently out of sight. Unfortunately, by preventing lascivious navel gazing, she inadvertently drew attention to the fact that her breasts were more than a little wall-eyed.

So, if modesty’s your bag, you’re probably better off with a burqini, but I salute this crocheted forerunner of the tankini for challenging the bikini-dominated 1970s. The next time you’re on a beach, raise your glass to the navelkini!

Er, the bellykini?

Innieoroutiekini?

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

STRIPED SWIMSUIT/BEACH MAT

SIZES: Directions are for Small, Changes for Medium and Large are in parentheses.

MATERIALS: Phentex (2 Ply), 3 (4-5) Lt. Green (A), 3 (4-5) Lemon (B) and 3 (4-5) Violet (C).

Phentex? Phentex!

Sure the photo’s sidebar had recommended using a “yarn that dries quickly”. But I think that choosing a yarn that will wick away all of your skin's moisture, leaving you a dried up husk floating along the surf, is going a tad overboard.

Boye aluminum crochet hook Size F or size to give gauge.

2 pkgs round elastic, 2 buttons and 1 clasp.

GAUGE: 5 sts = 1”; 6 rows = 1”.

Just take a look at this photo:

FINISHED MEASUREMENTS: Bust: 32 (36-39)”; Hips: 34 (38-42)”.

Is it steel wool? The surface of the moon, perhaps?

STRIPE PATTERN: 2 rows A, 4 rows B, 2 rows C, 4 rows A, 2 rows B and 4 rows C.

Nope, this is a close up of crystalline polypropylene polymer yarn AKA Phentex AKA the stuff you’re planning on wearing against your private parts.

FRONT: With F hook and C, ch 12.

Row 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch to end (11 sc). Ch 1, turn.

Row 2: Sc in each sc, ch 1 turn. Repeat last row 5 times more. Begin Stripe pat and in center st work sc, ch 1, sc (inc made).

Tsk, tsk. If the pattern designer used the active instead of the passive voice, the pattern editor wouldn’t be forced to rely on bolding to keep our attention.

Next row: Sc in each sc and in ch-1 sp work sc, ch 1 sc (inc).

Jeez, they’ve lost count of the rows already?

Repeat last row until piece measures 5” along center, ending with 2 rows B (39 sts). Continue to inc. at center, and, at same time, inc at beg and end of row (to inc: work 2 sc in 1 sc) every row 10 times, ending with 4 rows B (69 sts).

Thank goodness for that bolding, because otherwise I would have blithely increased at the centre any old way I wanted to, and completely forgotten the beginning and end of row shaping.

Work across 26 sts. Ch 1, turn.

RIGHT FRONT-- Next row: Dec 1 st at beg of row (to dec: draw up loop in next 2 sts, yo and through 3 loops on hook) (hipline).

Next row: Inc 1 st at beg of row (leg). Repeat last 2 rows 0 (2-4) times more. Dec at hipline as before, and, at same time, inc at leg edge every row 10 times.

SHAPE SIDE: Continue hipline dec and at leg edge, dec every row until all sts are decreased.

LEFT FRONT Attach yarn in 26th st from leg edge and work same as Right Front reversing shaping.

Not that I know anyone who doesn’t bother reading all of a sentence before diving right in. *whistling*

BACK: With C, ch 12.

Row 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch to end (11 sc). Ch 1, turn.

Rows 2 and 3: Sc in each sc. Ch 1, turn.

Row 4: Begin Stripe Pat with 4 rows A and inc at beg and end of row every 2nd row 3 times, ending with 2 rows B.

Next row: Inc at beg and end of row and in center st as on front and repeat this row every 2nd row 5 (7-9) times more, then inc in center ch-1 only until piece measures approx. 10” along center and there are 81 (85-89) sts.

RIGHT BACK: Work across 40 (42-44) sts. Dec at hip every other row until there are 31 (35-39) sts. Work hip dec, and inc at leg edge every other row until hip measures same as front, ending with same stripe as on front before side shaping. Shape side same as front.

LEFT BACK: Work same as Right Back reversing shaping.

FRONT-CENTER PANEL: Attach yarn in first B st at right center panel and work as follows:

Row 1: Dec at beg and end of row and in center st work sc, ch 1, sc

Row 2: Work to center ch-1 sp, sc in ch-1 sp, work to end.

Row 3: Dec at beg and end of row and in center st work sc, ch 1, sc.

Row 4: Repeat Row 2.

Row 5: Work to center sc, in center sc work sc work sc, ch 1, sc. Repeat Rows 2 through 5, 8 (7-6) times, then work Rows 4-5, 0 (2-4) times.

BRA: With B (B-A) ch 2.

I have to admire the ingenuity of the unsung crocheter who made this swimsuit for the photo shoot. By choosing pink as the B colour, this Sneaky Pete managed to get nipple porn into Good Housekeeping.

Row 1: In 2nd ch from hook work sc, ch 1, sc. Ch 1, turn.

Row 2: Work 2 sc in first sc, in ch-1 sp work sc, ch 1, sc, 2 in last sc.

Now, I just happened to have some pink Phentex on hand (keep your friends close, but your enemies closer), so naturally I couldn’t resist crocheting up two pink nipples.

Note how the model in this photo is sensible enough to keep 100% cotton between her nipples and the Phentex.

Row 3: With C (B-B), work sc in each sc and sc, ch 1, sc in ch-1 sp. Repeat Row 3 continuing Stripe Pat as follows:

Small: 1 more row C, 4 rows A, 2 rows B, 4 rows C.

Medium: 1 more row B, 4 rows A, 2 rows B, 4 rows C.

Large: 3 more rows B, 4 rows A, 2 rows B, 4 rows C, inc’ing at beg and end of last row.

This level of Stripe Pat micromanaging gives me a whole new appreciation for the 'you’re on your own' approach of 1940s and 50s.

Fasten off. Along side edge beg stripe pat with 4 rows C, work 1 sc in each row and in center st – 31 (35-39) sc.

I can micromanage too, you know. For instance, don’t ever say "stripe pat" when you mean "Stripe Pat"!

Row 1: Dec at beg and end of row and over center 2 sts.

Row 2: Sc in each sc. Repeat last 2 rows until 5 sts remain. Work stripe pat on these 5 sts until piece measures 7 1/2 (8-8 1/2)”. Fasten off.

SHOULDER STRAPS: With A, beg to the right of the apex of the bra, work 1 sc in each of 4 sc and in each of 5 rows.

Beg stripe pat with 2 rows A and work Rows 3 and 2 of Center Front Panel until piece measures 15”, or 1 1/2” less than desired length.

BUTTONHOLE: Work to center ch 1, turn, work to outer edge. Attach another piece of yarn in center st and work 2 rows across unworked sts, fasten off. With yarn attached work 4 more rows across all sts.

FINISHING: Sew 1 edge of each bra to 1 slanted edge of center front panel.

Edging: Beg on top edge of left back strap, about 3/4” from edge, over round elastic, work 1 row sc along edge to 3/4” from end of right back strap.

But what part of the Stripe Pat am I supposed to do? Don’t force me to make decisions this close to the end!

Tighten elastic slightly, do not turn. Working over round elastic, from left to right work 1 sc in each sc. Tighten elastic slightly and fasten off.

Beg on lower edge of back strap work edging around entire bathing suit, and each leg, tightening elastic around hipline to desired fit.

Rather than using a measuring tape, I suggest putting on the suit to make sure you get the sizing right. No cheating by taking off the suit to complete the edging. Real women can crochet while standing on one leg.

Sew clasp to back of strap and sew buttons on back strap for shoulder strap.

After all your careful sizing, why would you want to crochet your shoulder straps to the bikini top? You never know when a hot lifeguard may walk by and you’ll need to quickly use the “Whoops my shoulder strap slipped out of its button, accidentally revealing my Phentex-roughened nipples”.

Handmade by Mother is not responsible if the above tactic leads to a citation or arrest for public indecency. This blog is based out of Ontario, Canada where breasts roam free.

MAT

Because why should the rest of your body escape the crystalline embrace of Phentex?

With A, ch 126. Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch to end (125 sc). Work in Stripe Pat until piece measures 64”. Fasten off.

Edging: With A, work 1 row sc around entire mat, spacing sts to keep edges flat, work 3 sc in each corner. Work 1 more row A, 2 rows B, 2 rows C. Fasten off.

And now you’re ready for a day of Phentex Phun at the Beach. Although you better pack the Vaseline, otherwise the end of the day won’t be as much fun.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

Sure, He Looks Cute NOW...

Bathing Trunks pattern from Youngsters Fashions in Wool, Vol. 67, 1948.

Just five years old, and he’s saying, “See these fishes on my bathing trunks? They’re a Sicilian message. Mess with me and you gonna sleep with the fishes.”

And you think, “Aw, how adorable!”

But that’s because he’s still just a little guy. Give him a few years to grow, and he’ll look like this...

Not so sweet now, is he?

I dare you to ask him if he still has those trunks!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

No. 246 – Bathing Trunks
Size 4 to 6 years

MATERIALS:

2 balls Nylon Yarn, m. c. (1 oz. ball)
1 ball Nylon Yarn each in 2 contrasting colors (1 oz. ball)
1 pair silvalume knitting needles each No. 2 and No. 3
1 crochet hook No. 3

Silvalume needles are still available! They feature a “velvety smooth aluminum surface in buttery-soft colors”.

Honestly, between the “gently rounded tips” and smooth finish guaranteed by Susan Bates, it’s like reading needle porn.

GAUGE: 6 1/2 sts. = 1 inch

BACK:

With m.c. and No. 2 needles cast on 72 sts and work in ribbing K 1, P 1 for 1/2 inch. Next row for beading: * K 1, P 1, yarn over, P 2 tog. Repeat from * across row. Work K 1, P 1 until ribbing measures 2 inch., increasing 4 sts at even intervals across last row of ribbing. Change to No. 3 needles and stocking st. Follow chart No. 246 and K the fish design, but at the same time incr. 1 st. at each end of needle every 4th row until 82 sts. are on needle. Work even until piece measures 6 1/2 inch. Decr. 1 st. at the beg. and end of every row until 42 sts. are left.

My 11 year old boy just walked up behind me and looked at the chart. “Bugs?” he asked, sounding hopeful.

“They’re supposed to be fishes,” I said.

“They look like bugs. Like bugs on his pants!”

You know... they do kinda look like earwigs. Not sure what message that would send in Sicily.

Now start crotch and keep decr. as before for legs:

1st row: K 2 tog., K 19, incr. 1 st., K 19, K 2 tog.

2nd row: P 2 tog., P 37, P 2 tog.

3rd row: K 2 tog., K 17, incr. 1 st., K 1, incr. 1 st., K 17, K 2 tog.

4th row: P 2 tog., P 35, P 2 tog.

5th row: K 2 tog., K 15, incr. 1 st., K 3, incr. 1 st., K 15, K 2 tog.

6th row: P 2 tog., P 33, P 2 tog.

Continue in this manner, decr. 1 st. at each end of every row and incr. 2 sts. for crotch every other row, having 2 more sts. between increases until all leg sts. are decreased, and only 21 crotch sts. are left. Put sts. on a holder.

Of course, if you knit the fishes in green, you could say they’re tadpoles. Although, you’ll be sleeping with the tadpoles lacks a certain menacing quality.

FRONT:

Work front the same way as back.

FINISHING:

Weave crotch sts. tog. Right side facing you pick up with No. 2 needles 76 sts. and K 1, P 1 for 6 rows. Bind off loosely. K as K and P as P. Work the same way around other leg. Sew up side seams. Crochet a chain using 3 strands of each color and pull through beading. Steam lightly.

Fishes, fishes all around! Except on the sides, where there’ll be wide swaths of plain fabric. In fact, the fishes are oddly clustered together in one central spot...

Should anyone consider inflicting this pattern on a child, I would suggest spacing the fishes a little more evenly.

After all, future mobsters don’t take well to public humiliation.

Click here for the printable pattern.
Read more!

Summertime and the Crochetin' is Easy!

Child's Bikini pattern, from McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Spring-Summer, 1972

Aw, so adorable! The child, that is.

The bad news about this kind of suit is that it’ll never stay on the child. Even worse than your average Little Girl Bikini (which can be counted on to bunch up under the armpits and sag as the crotch fills with sand), the sheer weight of the yarn, combined with the "relaxed fit" will ensure that her bottoms will be down around her ankles before she even makes it into the water.

The good news is that streaking was a big fad in the early 70s, so your daughter will fit right in.

According to McCall’s, this is a "rainbow of colors for the beach" – assuming your rainbows only come in shades of pink and blue. The smog in the seventies must have severely limited the range of visible colors. McCall's also assures us that this suit is "easy to make"! Yay, let’s dive right in!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

COLOR-RINGED SUIT

SIZES: Directions for girls’ size 4. Changes for 6, 8 and 10 in parentheses.

Size ten... Back then, a ten year old girl might fit that size. I’m sure her friends would in no way make her life a living hell over wearing a hand knit "rainbow" bikini.

Body Chest Size: 23’’ (24’’-27’’-28 1/2’).

Blocked Chest Size (closed): 23’’ (24’’-27’’-28 1/2’’)

I’m not sure what the purpose is to including both body and blocked chest size, when the measurements are identical.

For body measurements, see page 28.

Nope, ain’t gonna happen. There’s entirely too much writing on page 28, and I've got a summer to enjoy.

MATERIALS: J. & P. Coats Knit-Cro-Sheen, 1 (2-2-2) balls each of Skipper Blue (SB), Nu-Purple (NP), Watermelon (W), Mid Rose (R), Parakeet (P) and Aqua (A). Steel crochet hook No. 1. (Or English size 3.) 1 1/2 yards round or oval elastic.

J. & P. Coats Knit-Cro-Sheen is boilfast mercerized knitting and crochet cotton. But don’t count on fast boiling to kill all the e-coli from your local beach.

GAUGE: 11 hdc = 2’’; 4 rows = 1’’. See page 24.

You’re on your own, Jellybean.

Notes: Suit is worked with double strand of each color throughout. Cut and join colors as needed.

And it’s crocheted in cotton thread, using a tiny crochet hook. I’m starting to get a bad feeling about this "easy to make" pattern...

STRIPED PATTERN: With 2 strands, work 1 row each of NP, A, P, SB, R, W. Repeat these 6 rows for striped pat.

TOP: BACK: Beg at lower edge, with 2 strands NP, ch 62 (65-73-78).

Row 1: Hdc in 3rd ch from hook and in each ch across – 60 (63-71-76) hdc. End off; join 2 strands A in last hdc. Ch 2, turn. Check gauge; row should measure 11’’ (11 1/2’’-13’’-14’’) wide.

Row 2: With 2 strands A, hdc in each hdc across – 60 (63-71-76). End off; join 2 strands P. Ch 2, turn. Repeat last row, working in striped pat until piece measures 2 1/2’’ (2 3/4’’, 3’’, 3 1/2’’) from start. Note last color used. End off; turn.

Shape Armhole: Row 1: Keeping to striped pat, sk first 3 (3-4-4) hdc, join next color in next hdc, ch 2, hdc in same hdc, hdc in each hrc to within last 3 (3-4-4) hdc. End off; turn.

Row 2: Sk first hdc, join next color in next hdc, ch 2, hdc in same hdc, work to within last st – 1 hdc dec each side. End off; turn. Repeat last row 1 (1-3-4) times – 50 (53-55-58) hdc. Work even until armholes measure 2’’ (2 1/2’’, 2 3/4’’, 3’’) above first row of armhole shaping. End off; join next color. Ch 2, turn.

Shape Neck: Row 1: Hdc in each of 18 (19, 20, 21) hdc. End off; turn.

Row 2: Sk first 3 sts (neck edge), join next color in next st, hdc in same hdc and in each hdc across – 15 (16, 17, 18) hdc. End off; join next color. Ch 2, turn.

Row 3: Hdc in each hdc to within last 2 hdc – 13 (14, 15, 16) hdc. End off; turn.

Row 4: Sk first st, join next color in next st, hdc in same hdc and in each hdc across – 12 (13, 14, 15) hdc. Work even until armhole measures 4 1/2’’ (5 1/4’’, 5 1/2’’, 6’’) above first row of armhole shaping. End off. Sk center 14 (15, 15, 16) hdc on last long row, join double strand of color to be used in next st, ch 2, hdc in same hdc, finish row – 18 (19, 20, 21) hdc. Complete same as for first shoulder, reversing shaping.

LEFT FRONT: Beg at lower edge, with double strand of NP, ch 32 (34-38-40). Working in stripe pat on 30 (32-36-38) hdc same as for back, work even until piece measures same as back to underarm, end same color row. Check gauge; piece should measure 5 1/2’’ (6’’, 6 1/2’’, 6 3/4’’) wide. End off; turn.

If your gauge is off, just go find another child on the beach who’s the right size. It’ll be easier than starting the whole project over again.

Shape Armhole: Row 1: Keeping to stripe pat, sk first 3 (3-4-4) hdc, join next color in next hdc, ch 2, hdc in same st, hdc in each hdc across. End off; join next color. Ch 2, turn.

Row 2: Work in pat to within last st – 1 hdc dec. End off; turn.

Row 3: Sk first hdc, join next color in next hdc, work across – 25 (27, 30, 32) hdc.

For Size 8 Only: Repeat rows 2 and 3 – 28 hdc.

For Size 10 Only: Repeat rows 2, 3, 2 – 29 hdc.

For All Sizes: Work even until armhole measures 1 1/2’’ (2’’, 2 1/4’’, 2 1/2’’) above first row of armhole shaping, end arm side. End off; join next color. Ch 2, turn.

I’m starting to suspect that “easy to make” doesn’t mean what I think it means.

Shape Neck: Work as for neck shaping of back until armhole measures same as back, end same color row – 12 (13-14-15) hdc. End off.

RIGHT FRONT: Work same as for left front, reversing shaping.

FINISHING: Run in thread ends. Block to measurements (see page 27). With backstitch (see page 26), sew side and shoulder seams.

With pins, mark position of 6 (6-7-7) loops evenly spaced on each front edge, having first pin 2 rows above lower edge of each front, last pin at each neck corner.

Edging: From right side, join 2 strands P at lower right front edge, sc in edge of first row, * ch 5 for loop, sc in end of each row to next pin, repeat from * 5 (5-6-6) times, sc around neck edge to top left front, work from * to lower left front edge, end ch 5, sc in last row on lower left front edge. End off.

Maybe “easy to make” meant something different in 1972. After all the movie “Easy Rider” wasn’t exactly about an easy ride from L.A. to New Orleans.

Armhole Edging: From right side, with double strand P, sc around each armhole edge. Join with a sl st in first sc. End off.

CORD: Cut two 3 (3-3 1/2-3 1/2) yard lengths of each color. Make twisted cord. See page 103.

Sigh... All right. Just this once.

MAKE A TWISTED CORD

Method requires two people.

It’s a fun party game!

Tie one end of yarn around pencil. Loop yarn over center of second pencil, back to and around first, and back to second, making as many strands between pencils as needed for thickness of cord; knot end to pencil. Length of yarn between pencils should be three times length of cord desired.

Wouldn’t it have been helpful to know this before you started all that looping and tying?

Each person holds yarn just below pencil with one hand and twists pencil with other hand, keeping yarn taut. When yarn begins to kink...

Heh, they said kink.

...catch center over doorknob or hook. Bring pencils together for one person to hold, while other grasps center of yarn, sliding hand down at short intervals, letting yarn twist.

We now return to our original programming.

Knot each end. Beg at lower front edge, lace cord through loops up front edges. With all colors make two pompons; attach to ends of cord. Tie ends into bow.

Resist urge to fling top at daughter. It’s not her fault there’s still a whole other piece to crochet.

PANTS: BACK: Left Leg: Beg at lower edge, with 2 strands SB, ch 47 (51-56-60).

Row 1: Hdc in 3rd ch from hook and in each ch across – 45 (49-54-58) hdc. End off; join R. Ch 2, turn. Work 1 row R, 1 row W. Check gauge; piece should measure 8’’ (9’’-10’’-10 1/2’’) wide.

For Sizes 8 and 10 Only: Work 1 row NP. End off.

For All Sizes: Right Leg: Work same as for left leg. Working in same color sequence as stripe pat, join double strand of next color in last st. Ch 2, turn.

By this point, you should be seriously questioning why you didn’t just buy a goddamn suit for your kid.

Join Legs: Row 1: Hdc in each hdc across right leg to within last 6 (7-9-10) hdc; from wrong side, sk first 6 (7-9-10) hdc on left leg, hdc in each remaining hdc – 78 (84-90-96) hdc. Put a marker between last hdc made on right leg and first dc on left leg for center back. End off; join 2 strands of next color. Ch 2, turn.

Let’s face facts, the brat’s going to outgrow this swimsuit in a year or two, anyway.

Row 2: Work in hdc to within 2 sts of center marker, dec 1 hdc (to dec 1 hdc, yo hook, pull up a lp in each of next 2 hdc, yo hook and through 4 lps on hook), move up center marker, dec 1 hdc, finish row – 1 hdc dec on each side of marker. Work 1 row even.

And it’s not like a bikini will become an heirloom your trampy daughter will pass onto to her born out of wedlock offspring.

Row 4: Repeat row 2. Repeat last 2 rows 1 (2-2-2) times – 72 (76-82-88) hdc. Remove marker. Work in stripe pat until legs measure 7’’ (7’’-7 1/2’’-8’’) from start. End off.

That’s right, I said tramp! When a girl her age wants a bikini, it’s just a short, slippery slope to bra burning and free love.

FRONT: Work same as for back.

Warning: Attempting to crochet a bikini out of cotton thread may warp your perspective, and create a deep, abiding resentment towards all girl children.

FINISHING: Run in yarn ends. Block pieces. Sew side seams. Sew leg and crotch seams.

Although, if you’ve made it this far, you might as well finish and be done with it.

Leg Edging: Cut elastic to leg measurement; fasten ends securely. From right side, with double strand P, working over elastic, sc around each leg edge, end sl st in first sc. End off.

Top Edging: Work as for leg edging with double strand of next color in sequence.

But in future, if you see any "easy to make" project with J. & P. Coats Knit-Cro-Sheen that’s larger than a doll’s dress or egg cozy – run!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!