Red Dawn of the Penguins

Penguin Dance from Patons Young at Heart, 1988

Ah, the 1980s. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. It was a time of boom boxes and breakdancing. As this sweater clearly demonstrates, penguins were at the forefront of this dance craze. In fact, some of Michael Jackson’s best moves were stolen from these party hearty penguins! This is why, to this day, Michael’s music sales in Antarctica are so low.

But this decade wasn’t totally tubular for our flightless friends. Their communist past made them penguins non grata in Ronald Reagan’s America. Most penguins moved back to Antarctica, but a small group of radicalized penguins supported the failed Soviet invasion of Colorado in 1984. As a result, all penguins remaining in the United States are now behind bars.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Penguin Dance

Two 4½ mm (U.S. 7) and two 6 mm (U.S. 10) knitting needles or whichever needles you require to produce the tension given below.

TENSION: 15 sts and 20 rows = 4 ins (10 cm) with 6 mm needles in stocking st.

The 1980s were a tense time during the Cold War. When the United States was given permission to test cruise missiles in Cold Lake, Alberta, protests broke out across Canada.

The instructions are written for small size. Any changes necessary for medium size (M) and large size (L) are written in brackets thus: ( ).

Note: Wind small balls of the colours to be used, one for each separate area of colour in the design. Start new colours at appropriate points. To change colours, twist the two colours around each other where they meet, on wrong side, to avoid a hole.

In fact, this dancing penguin sweater was designed by Canadian protesters as a deliberate slap in the face to the commie-bashing, penguin-jailing Americans.

FRONT: **With red and 4 ½ mm needles cast on 65 sts (M – 73 sts) (L – 81 sts).

1st row: (Right side). K1. *P1. K1. Repeat from * to end of row.
2nd row: P 1. *K1. Repeat from * to end of row.

Repeat these 2 rows (K1. P1) ribbing for 3 ins (8 cm) ending with right side facing for next row and increasing 11 sts evenly across last row. 76 sts on needle (M – 84 sts) (L – 92 sts). **

Change to 6 mm needles and work chart VII in stocking st to end of chart reading knit rows from right to left and purl rows from left to right noting front neck shaping. (Chart VII shown on page 23).

Note how the chart specifies that the background be red – the favourite colour of the Red Dawn penguin terrorists! Coincidence? I think not!

BACK: Work from ** to ** as given for front.

Change to 6 mm needles and work chart VII in stocking st to end of chart reading knit rows from left to right and purl rows from right to left omitting all reference to penguins.

Omitting all penguin references on the back of this sweater was a last minute attempt by Patons to protect themselves from accusations of supporting penguin terrorism.

SLEEVES: With red and 4½ mm needles cast on 33 sts (M – 33 sts) (L – 37 sts) and work 2 ½ ins (6 cm) in (K1.P1) ribbing as given for front, ending with right side facing for next row and increasing 11 sts evenly across last row. 44 sts on needle (M – 44 sts) (L – 48 sts)

Change to 6 mm needles and work chart VIII in stocking st to end of chart reading knit rows from right to left and purl rows from left to right. (Chart VIII shown on page 22).

Work duplicate stitch on all pieces of garment as illustrated. (See diagram in helpful hints on page 32).

If you don't know duplicate stitch, you are clearly a spy for the penguins!

NECKBAND: Sew right shoulder seam.

With right side of work facing, white and 4½ mm needles, pick up and knit 14 sts down left front neck edge. Pick up and knit 16 sts across centre front neck edge. Pick up and knit 14 sts up right front neck edge. Pick up and knit 29 sts across back neck edge. 73 sts on needle.

Beginning and ending on a 2nd row, work 2½ ins (6 cm) in (K1.P1) ribbing as given for front. Cast off loosely in ribbing. Sew left shoulder and neckband seam. Fold neckband in half to wrong side and sew loosely in position.

TO MAKE UP: Sew in sleeves between markers. Sew side and sleeve seams. Do not press.

There is no making up with penguin terrorists! Never forget the sacrifice of the brave Wolverines!

Even now, the Penguin Red Dawn is hiding in Venice, waiting for their chance to strike again!

Okay, maybe they’re not hiding.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

Whoa, that was some trip!

Penguin from Beehive Bazaar, c. 1975

Not all penguins spent the Sixties hard at work in the fish-flinging factories. Plenty of penguin hippies spent the summer of love stoned out of their avian minds, convinced they really could fly. By the 1970s, these free wheeling, free-loving penguins were suffering one heck of a post-party hangover.

This penguin looks like he’s having a particularly rough time coming back to earth. Apparently his friends never warned him about those wacky acid flashbacks.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Here’s our penguin hanging out with his no-account friends. In front, is Dopey the Dachshund who’s so baked he can’t even stand up. Mr. Tweak the Bear in the background hasn’t slept in a week.

Yes, kids, this is your playroom on drugs.

All I’m saying is, keep Pete Doherty away from penguins!

Penguin

MATERIALS : Canadiana Knitting Worsted or Canadiana Sayelle (2 oz): 2 balls black and 1 ball each of white and orange. Two 4 1/2 mm (No. 7) Milward knitting needles or whichever needles you require to produce the tension given below. Kapok for stuffing.

That’s kapok, not cotton. Don’t you know cotton is not only a symbol of white colonial oppression, it’s also bad for the planet?

TENSION: 5 sts and 6 1/2 rows – 1 inch (2.5 cm) in stocking st.

MEASUREMENT: Height approx. 13 ins (33cm).

M1 = Make 1 st by picking up horizontal loop lying before next st and working into back of it.

CHEST: With white, cast on 34 sts and work 3 ins (8 cm) stocking st, ending with right side facing.
Dec 1 st each end of needle on next, then every following 6th row to 28 sts on needle. Work 3 rows even.
Next row: K 2tog. Knit to last 2 sts. K2tog. Work 3 rows even.
Next row: (K 2tog tbl). K4. (K2tog tbl). Knit to last 8 sts. K2tog. K4. K2tog. Work 3 rows even.
Next row: (K 2tog tbl). K4. (K2tog tbl). Knit to last 8 sts. K2tog. K4. K2tog. Work 1 row even.
Next row: K 2tog. Knit to last 2 sts. K2tog. Work 1 row even.
Next row: (K 2tog tbl). K1. (K2tog tbl). Knit to last 5 sts. K2tog. K1. K2tog.
Next row: P2tog. Purl to last 2 sts. P2tog. Repeat these last 2 rows once. (4 sts on needle). Cast off.

Polyester stuffing might be a suitable substitute for kapok, considering that this pattern is from the Seventies. Plaid polyester stuffing would be especially appropriate.

BODY: With black, cast on 22 sts and work 3 ins (8 cm) stocking st, ending with right side facing.
Inc 1 st beginning next, then every following 6th row to 25 sts on needle. Work 3 rows even.
Inc 1 st beginning next row. Work 3 rows even.
Next row: K1. M1. Knit to last 12 sts. K2tog. K 10. Work 3 rows even.
Next row: K1. M1. Knit to last 12 sts. K2tog. K 10. Work 1 row even.
Next row: K1. M1. Knit to end of row.
Next row: Purl to last st. M1. P1.
Next row: K1. M1. Knit to last 12 sts. K2tog. K 10.
Next row: Purl to last st. M1. P1.
Repeat last 2 rows once. (30 sts on needle). Break yarn. Leave remaining sts on st holder.

With black, cast on 22 sts and work 3 ins (8 cm) stocking st, ending with right side facing.
Inc 1 st at end of next, then every following 6th row to 25 sts on needle. Work 3 rows even.
Inc 1 st at end of next row. Work 3 rows even.

Next row: K10. K2tog. Knit to last st. M1. K1. Work 3 rows even.
Next row: K10. K2tog. Knit to last st. M1. K1. Work 1 row even.
Next row: Knit to last st. M1. K1.
Next row: P1. M1. Purl to end of row.
Next row: K10. K2tog. Knit to last st. M1. K1.
Next row: P1. M1. Purl to end of row.
Repeat last 2 rows once. (30 sts on needle).
Next row: K30. Cast on 4 sts. Knit 30 sts from st holder. (64 sts on needle). Purl 1 row.

Or you could just opt for plaid penguin cookies - presumably not made of polyester.

Not only are they faster to make than a giant, kapok-stuffed, drug-addled penguin, they’re also edible! Which will definitely help with any attacks of the munchies.

To shape head: 1st row: K1. (K2tog. K10) 5 times. K2tog. K1.
2nd and alternate rows: Purl.
3rd row: K3. (K2tog. K8) 5 times. K2tog. K3.
5th row: K5. (K2tog. K6) 5 times. K2tog. K5. (46 sts on needle).
7th row: Knit.
9th row: K2. (M1. K14.) 3 times. M1. K2.
11th row: K4. (M1. K14.) 3 times. M1. K4.
13th row: K1. M1. K27. M1. K26.
15th row: K14. M1. K28. M1. K14.
17th row: K1. M1. K29. M1. K28.
Work 11 rows even.

Next row: K2. (K2tog. K4) 9 times. K2tog. K2.
Next row: Purl.
Next row: K1. (K2tog. K3) 9 times. K2tog. K2.
Next row: Purl.
Next row: (K2tog. K2) 10 times.
Next row: Purl.
Next row: (K2tog) 15 times. Break yarn. Thread end through remaining sts. Draw up and fasten securely. Sew back seam.

Of course, you can go too far in your search for the ultimate penguin munchies.

Here, a heartless housewife has recreated for her jaded guests the unholy feeding ceremony of the North Pole penguin unicorns. After circling three times, these rarely seen penguins will drag an innocent Inuit out of the igloo and sacrifice him to their dreadful God, spearing their hapless victim repeatedly with their demonic horns.

BASE: With black, cast on 3 sts and knit 1 row.
2nd and alternate rows: Purl.
3rd row: (K1. M1) twice. K1.
5th row: (K1. M1) 4 times. K1.
7th, 9th, 11th and 13th rows: (K1. M1) twice. Knit to last 2 sts. (M1. K1) twice.
15th and 17th rows: K1. M1. Knit to last st. M1. K1.
19th, 21st and 23rd rows: Knit.
25th and 27th rows: K1. (K2tog tbl). Knit to last 3 sts. K2tog. K1.
29th, 31st, 33rd and 35th rows: (K2tog tbl) twice. Knit to last 4 sts. (K2tog) twice.
37th row: K1. (K2tog) 4 times.
39th row: K1. (K2tog) twice.
40th row: P3. Cast off.

Sew curved sides of chest to curved sides of body. Sew base to lower edge of body, leaving an opening for stuffing. Stuff firmly. Sew remaining seam.

RIGHT WING: With black, cast on 11 sts and work 2 rows stocking st.
3rd row: K1. M1. Knit to last 3 sts. K2tog. K1.
4th and alternate rows: Purl.
5th row: Knit.
7th row: As 3rd row.
9th row: K1. M1. Knit to end of row.
11th and 13th rows: As 3rd row.
14th and 16th rows: Purl to last st. M1. P1.
15th and 17th rows: As 3rd row.
19th row: P2tog. Purl to last st. M1. P1. Repeat last 2 rows twice. (14 sts on needle).

23rd row: K1. (K2tog tbl). Knit to last 4 sts. (K2tog) twice.
24th row: (P2tog) twice. Purl to last 3 sts. P2tog. P1.
25th row: K1 (K2tog tbl). K1. (K2tog) twice.
26th row: P2tog. P1. P2tog. (3 sts on needles). Cast off.

Don’t despair! I’m sure that there’s some penguin snacks we can all enjoy that are less ... predatory.

LEFT WING: With black, cast on 11 sts and work 2 rows stocking st.
3rd row: K1. K2tog. Knit to last st. M1. K1.
4th and alternate rows: Purl.
5th row: Knit.
7th row: As 3rd row.
9th row: Knit to last st. M1. K1.
11th and 13th rows: As 3rd row.
14th and 16th rows: P1. M1. Purl to end of row.
15th and 17th rows: As 3rd row.
18th row: P1. M1. Purl to last 2 sts. P2tog. Repeat last 2 rows twice. (14 sts on needle).

23rd row” K1. (K2tog tbl). Knit to last 4 sts. (K2tog) twice.
24th row: (P2tog) twice. Purl to last 3 sts. P2tog. P1.
25th row: K1 (K2tog tbl). K1. (K2tog) twice.
26th row: P2tog. P1. P2tog. (3 sts on needles). Cast off.

AAUGH! It’s the Abominable Snow Penguin!

WING LINING: For left wing lining, with orange work as given for right wing. For right wing lining, with orange work as given for left wing. Sew linings to wings, sew to sides of body.

BEAK: (Make 2). With orange, cast on 12 sts and work 4 rows stocking st.
Dec 1 st each end of needle on next, then every following 4th row to 4 sts on needle. Purl 1 row.
Next row: (K2tog tbl). K2tog.
Next row: Purl. Cast off. Sew side seams, leaving cast-on edges open. Stuff firmly and set to head as illustrated.

Okay, I’m heading over to Miss Renee’s Kindergarten. Surely, that’ll be a safe place to find non-terrifying penguin snacks.

Oh God, his eyes! This poor penguin was on such a bad trip his eyeballs exploded!

FOOT: (Make 4). With orange, cast on 6 sts and work 2 rows stocking st.
Inc 1 st each end of needle on next, then every following 4th row to 20 sts on needle. Work 1 row even.

1st toe: K6. Turn.
**Next row: P6.
Next row: K1. (K2tog tbl). K2tog. K1.
Next row: P4.
Next row: (K2tog tbl). K2tog. Pass 1st st over 2nd st. Fasten off.**

2nd toe: With right side of work facing, join yarn to remaining sts. K8. Turn.
Next row: P8.
Next row: K1. (K2tog tbl). K2. K2tog. K1. Work from ** to ** as given for 1st toe.

3rd toe: With right side of work facing, join yarn to remaining sts. K6.
Work from ** to ** as given for 1st toe.

With right sides together, sew 2 pieces together, matching toe shapings and leaving cast-on edges open. Turn to right side and join cast-on edges together. Sew to base with toes showing as illustrated. With white, embroider eyes as illustrated.

No wonder our stuffed penguin pal was barely surviving the Seventies. Here’s hoping the Eighties will be a kinder, gentler time for penguin-kind!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

Mr. Popper's Perky Penguins

“Perky Penguin” Can Cover from Kitchen Crochet, 1964

It wasn’t easy being a penguin in 1964. The halcyon days of being pampered by little girls or palling around with Commies were long gone. However, thanks to equal opportunity legislation in Canada and the United States, penguins were finally allowed to apply for Work Visas in North America.

Alas, it wasn’t the workers paradise they expected. Penguins had to work harder than their human counterparts, and were frequently harassed by their bosses. Mr. Perky above had to obey a dress code that sexually objectified him, while Mademoiselle Adélie below was forced to engage in humiliating tricks to earn her bonus fish.

Only the perkiest penguins survived this decade with their self-esteem intact!

For the complete pattern (and more snark):

“Perky Penguin” Can Cover

These new, re-usable coffee cans...

Sixties new, that is. Because you definitely wouldn’t want to buy one of the new re-usable cans of the 1940s.

That’s right, our special blend lets you sleep...

Forever!

Bwah-ha-ha!

...come in so handy for storing cookies, candies or just plain odds and ends...

Assuming you really like coffee scented cookies, candies and odd and ends.

...and this fellow is a real “fun” cover – quite a conversation piece! Illustrated in color on Back Cover.

Mr. Perky is saying “Help me! I’m surrounded by kitchen kitsch! And I’m so damn perky from inhaling coffee fumes, I can’t close my eyes!

Tragically, Mr. Perky doesn’t realize that he IS kitchen kitsch. So even if he could close his eyes, the pain of his percolated perkiness would never go away.

COATS & CLARK’S O.N.T. “SPEED-CROSHEEN” MERCERIZED COTTON: 2 balls each of No. 12 Black and No. 1 White.

Putting Speed-Crosheen in quotes leads me to believe that this mercerized cotton is neither speedy nor sheeny.

COATS & CLARK’S “O.N.T.” PEARL COTTON: 1 ball of No. 11 Orange.

“O.N.T” stands for Our New Thread. However, since this acronym is also in quotes, I assume that either it’s not their thread, or it isn’t new. I’m hoping for recycled thread, because I don’t want to purchase stolen yarn from the Russian mafia!

Milward’s Steel Crochet Hook No. 2/0 (double zero).

Scraps of black, white and green felt; cotton batting.

Cover will fit over a 1 lb. size easy-open coffee can (5 1/2 inches tall and 4 1/2 inches in diameter).

So what did a new, re-usable coffee can look like back in the Sixties? Why, it looked like this!

Only with less rust.

GAUGE: 11 sc = 2 inches; 13 rnds or rows = 2 inches.

HEAD . . . Starting at center with Black, ch 4. Join with sl st to form ring. 1st rnd: 6 sc in ring. Do not join rnds, but carry a contrasting color thread up between first and last st of each rnd to indicate beginning of rnd. 2nd rnd: 2 sc in each sc around – 12 sc. 3rd rnd: * Sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc – 1 sc increased. Repeat from * around – 18 sc. 4th rnd: Sc in each sc around. 5th and 6th rnds: Sc in each sc around, increasing 6 sc evenly spaced – 30 sc on last rnd. 7th, 8th and 9th rnds: Repeat 4th, 5th and 6th rnds – 42 sc on last rnd. 10th and 11th rnds: Repeat 4th and 5th rnds – 48 sc on last rnd. 12th through 17th rnd: Repeat 4th rnd. 18th rnd: * Sc in next 6 sc, draw up loop in each of next 2 sc, thread over and draw through all 3 loops on hook – 1 sc decreased. Repeat from * around – 42 sc. 19th rnd: Repeat 4th rnd. 20th rnd: Decreasing 6 sc evenly spaced, sc in each sc around. 21st and 22nd rnds: Repeat 4th and 20th rnds – 30 sc on last rnd. 23rd and 24th rnds: Repeat 4th rnd. 25th rnd: Increasing 6 sc evenly spaced, sc in each sc around – 36 sc. 26th and 27th rnds: Repeat 4th rnd. At end of last rnd ch 1, turn. Now work in rows as follows:

I wonder if ACME brand coffee was higher quality than certain other ACME products!

Please be careful, Mr. Coyote!

BACK OF BODY . . . 1st row: Sc in first 6 sc, (2 sc in next sc, sc in next sc) 12 times; sc in remaining 6 sc – 48 sc. Ch 1, turn. 2nd row: Sc in each sc across. Ch 1, turn. Repeat last row until length from first row of body is 7 1/2 inches. Ch 1, turn.

To Shape Tail: 1st row: Sl st in each of the first 4 sc, sc in each sc across to within last 4 sc, sl st in next sc. Ch 1, turn. 2nd row: Skip the sl st, sl st in next 4 sc, sc in each sc across to within last 4 sc, sl st in next sc. Ch 1, turn. Repeat last row until 8 sc remain. Break off and fasten.

Hopefully, Wile E. Coyote was ultimately successful...

...in suing the pants off the ACME corporation, of course!

FRONT OF BODY . . . Starting at neck with White, ch 2. 1st row: Mak e3 sc in 2nd ch from hook. Ch 1, turn. 2nd row: 2 sc in first sc, sc in next sc, 2 sc in last sc. Ch 1, turn. 3rd row: 2 sc in first sc, sc in each sc across to within last sc, 2 sc in last sc. Ch 1, turn. Repeat last row until there are 27 sc on row. Ch 1, turn. Next row: Sc in each sc across. Ch 1, turn. Repeat last row until total length is 7 1/2 inches. At end of last row ch 47, turn. Following row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, sc in each ch and in each sc across – 73 sc. Ch 1, turn. Work 4 rows even over these sts. Break off and fasten. Sew ends of last 5 rows together.

Sheesh, you can’t honestly think I’m in favour of avian-icide?

FLIPPER PIECE (Make 2 Black and 2 White) . . . Starting at center, ch 22. 1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each of next 19 sc, 3 sc in last ch; working along opposite side of starting chain, sc in each of next 20 ch – 43 sc. Ch 1, turn. 2nd row: Working in back loop only of each st and making 3 sc in center sc of the 3-sc group, sc in each sc across to within last 3 sc. Repeat last row 7 times more. Break off and fasten. Place one piece of each color together, matching rows. Sew together with Black to form 2 flippers.

INNER DISC . . . Starting at center with White, work as for Head until the 6th rnd has been completed. Repeat 6th rnd until there are 60 sc on rnd. If necessary, work even until disc is 4 1/2 inches in diameter. Sl st in next sc. Break off and fasten.

Although, this being my third penguin post this month, I must confess that popping off perky penguins has a certain appeal.

BOW TIE . . . Starting at a narrow edge with White, ch 15. 1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each of remaining 13 ch – 14 sc. Ch 1, turn. 2nd row: Sc in each sc across. Ch 1, turn. Repeat last row for about 5 inches. Break off and fasten. Gather piece at center to form bow tie and wind a short strand of White around center. Fasten securely.

BEAK . . . Wind Orange into two equal balls and use 2 strands throughout. Starting at tip, ch 2. 1st rnd: 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook. 2nd rnd: Sc in each sc around. 3rd rnd: * Sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around – 9 sc. 4th rnd: Sc in each sc around. 5th rnd: Sc in each sc around, increasing 3 sc evenly spaced. 6th and 7th rnds: Repeat 4th and 5th rnds – 15 sc on last rnd. Work even until beak is about 2 inches long. Sl st in next sc. Break off and fasten.

Don’t worry. I’ll settle for exploiting them in the Arctic Olympics instead. (To play, type any letter you like into the user name box. Oh, and click on the Yeti when he appears!)

FOOT (Make 2) . . . Using 2 strands of Orange throughout and starting at narrow edge, ch 6. 1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in next 4 ch – 5 sc. Ch 1, turn. Note: Work in back loop only of each st throughout. 2nd and 3rd rows: Sc in each sc across. Ch 1, turn. 4th row: 2 sc in first sc, sc in each sc to within last sc, 2 sc in last sc. Ch 1, turn. 5th through 10th row: Repeat 2nd, 3rd and 4th rows twice – 11 sc on last row. Ch 1, turn.

Edging (right side): Working through both loops of each sc of last row and making 3 sc in each corner, sc closely around entire edge. Join with sl st to first sc. Break off and fasten.

Line each foot with black felt.

And don’t think you can get away with not lining the bottom of this penguin’s feet! After their poor treatment in the 1960s workforce, penguins are very sensitive to being treated shoddily.

Even a penguin coffee cozy will know if you try cutting corners. So ask yourself – do you want a droopy penguin or a perky penguin?

Overlapping back edges slightly over front edges, starting at neck, sew 2 1/2 inches of body sections together. Stuff head and the 2 1/2 inches of body. Sew disc loosely inside body over stuffing, concealing sewing sts. Placing tail over White at back, continue to sew back to front. With White half facing body, sew a flipper to each side (pointing forward), 1 1/2 inches from head. Sew feet to lower edge, 3/4 inch apart. Sew bow tie in place. Sew beak to center of head, 3/4 inch from starting ring, as shown. Cut two 3/4-inch white felt circles and two 1/4-inch green felt circles for eyes. Sew a green circle inside each white circle as shown. Sew eyes in place.

And don’t say droopy just to be funny. Because, trust me, no one wants a droopy penguin!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

The Penguins are Marching!

Penguin Bath Set from Bathroom Beauties, 1950

In the 1940s, penguins were forced to rely upon the kindness of fickle little girls, but the 1950s were a period of great prosperity for penguin-kind. With the end of the Second World War, the Nazis had been booted out of Antarctica, and Global Warming was a long way in the future. It was a penguin paradise!

But what about the Red Scare, you ask?

Why, didn’t you know that penguins are communists? They live communally, own no property, and share their resources. Moreover, I have proof of Pinko Penguins conspiring with the Red Ruskies to claim Antarctica for the Soviet Union.

Yes, these sedentary, towel loving penguins have no inkling that their Soviet masters will one day disappear, forcing them to become the lean, mean marching machines of the modern age.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Penguin BATH SET

MATERIALS:

J. & P. Coats or Clark's O.N.T. Pearl Cotton, Size 5: 6 balls each of No. 12 Black and No. 1 White; 3 balls of No. 11 Orange, or

J. & P. Coats Knit-Cro-Sheen: 2 balls each of No. 12 Black and No. 1 White and 1 ball of No. 43 Dk. Yellow.

Milward's Steel Crochet Hook No. 7.

Aqua bath towel, hand towel and washcloth.

Reports of melting sea ice may have you feeling sorry for these birds, but don’t be fooled! Penguins are the architects of their own doom.

LARGE PENGUIN – Front . . . Starting at lower edge with White, ch 20. 1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. Ch 3, turn. 2nd row: Skip first sc, dc in next sc and in each sc across, 2 dc in last sc. Ch 1, turn. 3rd row: Sc in each dc across, sc in top of turning chain. Ch 3, turn. 4th and 5th rows: Repeat 2nd and 3rd rows. 6th row: Skip first sc, dc in next sc and in each sc across. Ch 1, turn. 7th row: Sc in each dc across, sc in top of turning chain. Ch 3, turn. 8th to 11th rows incl: Repeat 6th and 7th rows 2 more times. 12th row: Skip first sc, holding back on hook the last loop of each dc, make dc in next 2 sc, thread over and draw through all loops on hook (1 dc decreased), dc in each sc across. Ch 1, turn.

No, it’s true. Penguins were so busy partying with the Commies they never bothered to learn how to fly. Don’t believe me? Just look at this incontrovertible evidence!

13th row: Repeat 7th row. 14th row: Repeat 12th row. 15th row: Repeat 7th row. 16th row. Skip first sc, dec 1 dc, dc in each sc across to within last 3 sc, dec 1 dc, dc in last sc. Ch 1, turn. 17th to 24th rows incl: Repeat last 2 rows alternately 4 more times. Break off.

FLIPPER . . . Starting at tip with Black, ch 3. 1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in next ch. Ch 1, turn. 2nd row: 2 sc in first sc, sc in next sc. Ch 1, turn. 3rd row: Sc in each sc across. Ch 1, turn. 4th row: 2 sc in first sc, sc in each sc across. Ch 1, turn. Repeat 3rd and 4th rows until piece measures 1 ¾ inches, ending with 3rd row. Ch 3, turn. Next row: Skip first sc, dc in next sc, half dc in next sc, sc in each remaining sc across. Ch 1, turn. Following row: Sc in each st across, sc in top of turning chain. Ch 3, turn. Repeat last 2 rows 2 more times. Break off.

BACK . . . Work as for Flipper until piece measures 1 ¾ inches, ending with 3rd row. Ch 1, turn. Next row: 2 sc in first sc, sc in each sc across to within last 2 sc, work off 2 sc as 1 sc (1 sc decreased). Ch 1, turn.

But oh, you say, those poor penguins! They’re cold and hungry out on that melting ice! I should knit them a sweater!

Following row: Sc in each sc across. Ch 1, turn. Repeat last 2 rows until piece measures 4 ½ inches in all, ending at back. Ch 1, turn.

To Shape Neck: 1st row: Dec 1 sc at both ends of row. Ch 1, turn. 2nd row: Sc in each sc across. Ch 1, turn. Repeat last 2 rows once more. Ch 4, turn.

HEAD . . . 1st row: 10 tr in first sc, ch 1, sl st in last sc on row. Turn. 2nd row: Sc in ch-1 sp, half dc in first tr, dc in next 2 tr, 2 tr in each of next 5 tr, 2 dc in next tr, half dc in next tr, sc in top of turning chain. Break off.

Don’t do it! Once they start wearing human clothes, they’ll want everything we have. That’s right, your little knitting project will trigger the Penguin Apocalypse!

BEAK . . . With Yellow ch 12, sc in 2nd ch from hook, sc in next ch, half dc in next 2 ch, dc in next 3 ch, tr in next 4 ch. Break off.

FOOT (Make 2) . . . With Yellow ch 2, 3 sc in 2nd ch from hook. Ch 1, turn. 2nd row: 2 sc in first sc, sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc. Ch 1, turn. 3rd to 6th rows incl: 2 sc in first sc, sc in each sc across, 2 sc in last sc. Ch 1, turn. At end of 6th row, ch 5, turn. 7th row: Holding back on hook the last loop of each d tr, skip 4 sc, d tr in next sc, (skip 3 sc, d tr in next sc) twice; thread over and draw through all loops on hook, ch 1, sl st in starting chain of foot to form webbing. Break off.
Sew Front and Back pieces together, sew Flipper in place, sew Beak to Head, sew Feet in place. With White, embroider eye. Make 8 more Penguins in this manner. Sew 5 Penguins to bath towel and 4 Penguins to hand towel.

But seriously, don’t knit sweaters for the wee penguins! They’ve already got too many.

And cranky penguins with rocket launchers aside, there’s few things worse than having a closet stuffed full of hand-knitted gifts that you simply can’t wear.

SMALL PENGUIN – FRONT . . . Starting at lower edge with White, ch 15. Work as for Large Penguin until 3 rows are completed. 4th to 7th rows incl: Repeat 6th and 7th rows of Large Penguin alternately twice. 8th row: Repeat 12th row of Large Penguin. 9th row: Repeat 7th row of Large Penguin. 10th and 11th rows: Repeat last 2 rows once more. 12th row: Repeat 16th row of Large Penguin. 13th row: Repeat 7th row of Large Penguin. 14th to 19th rows incl: Repeat last 2 rows alternately 3 more times. Break off.

FLIPPER . . . Work as for Flipper of Large Penguin until piece measures 1 inch. Ch 2, turn. Next row: Skip first sc, half dc in next sc, sc in each sc across. Ch 1, turn. Following row: Sc in each st across and in turning chain. Ch 2, turn. Repeat last 2 rows once more. Break off.

You can’t throw away that scratchy purple and green turtleneck sweater, or give it to someone else. Your beloved, elderly aunt Myrtle made it – for you! All you can do is hang it in your closet and stare despairingly at it every morning.

BACK . . . Work as for Flipper until piece measures 1 inch. Ch 1, turn. Next row: 2 sc in first sc, sc in each sc across to within last 2 sc, dec 1 sc. Ch 1, turn. Following row: Sc in each sc across. Ch 1, turn. Repeat last 2 rows until piece measures 3 inches in all, ending at back.

To Shape Neck: Work as for Large Penguin until 2 rows are completed. Ch 3, turn.

HEAD . . . 1st row: 7 dc in first sc, ch 1, sc in last sc on row. Turn. 2nd row: Sc in ch-1 sp, half dc in first dc, dc in next dc, 2 dc in each of next 4 dc, half sc in next dc, sc in top of turning chain. Break off.

Ahem. Not that I’m talking about a particular sweater. Or a particular aunt Myrtle.

BEAK . . . With Yellow, ch 8, sl st in 2nd ch from hook, sc in next ch, half dc in next 2 ch, dc in next 3 ch. Break off.

FOOT (Make 2) . . . Work as for Foot of Large Penguin until 4 rows are completed. Ch 3, turn. 5th row: Holding back on hook the last loop of each dc (skip 2 dc, dc in next sc) 3 times; thread over and draw through all loops on hook, ch 1, sl st in starting chain. Break off.
Complete as for Large Penguin. Sew to corner of washcloth.

My point is that if pasting crocheted communists penguins all over your bath towels isn’t enough to keep you busy, you don’t have to resort to knitting sweaters for real penguins.

Just make a hat for this adorable little penguin, instead.

Click here for the printable pattern.

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Toyland, Toyland, Little Girl and... Penguin Land?

Crocheted Penguin from Star Variety Show of Knitted and Crocheted Models, 1942

Clarence the Clown is jealous of Little Lucy’s relationship with Mr. Ping the Penguin. Melvin the Monkey, however, knows that this spring romance is doomed to fail.

Little Lucy and Mr. Ping come from two different worlds. She’s a flesh and blood little girl, while he’s constructed entirely of Pingouin brand yarn. She has hands to hold him, but all he has is wings he can flap in her general direction. One day Lucy will grow tired of sitting beside Mr. Ping, and she’ll leave him outside over night, in the rain. By the time she remembers him, Mr. Ping’s pretty white belly will have turned black with mildew.

And that will be the end of Mr. Ping. Lucy might mourn for a day, but by the end of the week she’ll have moved on to a next victim love, Mr. Hobby.

Melvin the Monkey has seen it all before. Penguins have nothing to offer humans when it comes to romance. Even though it’s true that Penguins do have very big balls.

Of yarn!

Sheesh, people. Lucy’s not even four years old! No wonder Marvin the Monkey looks shell-shocked.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

CROCHETED PENGUIN

Materials Required – AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “GEM” COTTON YARN.

Okay, so this penguin isn’t actually made of Pingouin brand yarn. Sadly, if I make a Mr. Ping, he won’t be either, as Pingouin brand yarn extinct. But if you happen to stumble across a stash in somebody’s basement, you could make a penguin out of it.

For how cool would that be?

4 Skeins Black.

3 Skeins White.

2 Bone rings for eyes.

Bone Crochet Hook Number 4 or 5.

Kapok or Cotton for filling.

The tropical Kapok tree produces fluffy seedpods that can be used for stuffing just like cotton. And I totally knew that before I looked it up on Wikipedia.

Work body and head of Penguin firmly taking up back loop of st only.

It’s important to take a firm hand with your penguins. Otherwise they’ll waddle all over you.

Tail. 1st Row. With Black ch 4, 3 s c on ch, ch 1, turn.
2nd to 6th Rows. 2 s c in first and last s c, 1 s c in each remaining s c.
7th and 8th Rows. 1 s c in each s c.
9 to 17th Rows. Same as 2nd row (31 s c).
18th to 24th Rows. Working on the 31 sts, start each row with ch 2, and end each row with a d c, work remainder of row in s c.
25th to 26th Rows. Same as 2nd row.
27th to 28th Rows. 1 s c in each s c.
29th, 30th, 33rd, 34th, 37th, 38th Rows. Increase 1 s c at the beginning and end of each row.
31st, 32nd, 35th, 36th, 39th, 40th Rows. 1 s c in each s c (there should now be 47 s c).
41st to 55th Rows. 1 s c in each s c.

And the next thing you know, you’ll be neck deep in penguins.

57th Row. 1 s c in each s c.
Next 12 Rows. Repeat 56th and 57th rows alternately (33 s c).
Without breaking yarn start head, work back over 15 s c, ch 1, turn.
2nd and 3rd Rows. Decrease 1 st at beginning of each row.
4th and 5th Rows. 1 s c in each s c.
6th and 7th Rows. Increase 1 st at beginning of each row.
8th Row. Same as 4th row.
9th Row. Same as 6th row.
10th Row. 1 s c in each s c then chain 12 for bill.
11th Row. 11 s c on ch, and 1 s c in each s c.
12th Row. Increase 1 st at beginning of row and work 1 row even.
15th and 16th Rows. Increase 1 st at beginning of each row.
17th, 18th, 19th, 20th Rows. Decrease 1 st at beginning and end of each row. Break yarn.
Join yarn at 4th st from center at opposite side, leaving 3 center sts free, 1 s c in each of the next 15 s c.
2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th Rows. Work same as first half of head.

This pattern was brought to you by The Count. Ha, ha, ha!

9th Row. Increase 1 s c at end of row, then ch 12 for bill.
10th Row. 11 s c on ch, and 1 s c in each s c.
11th Row. Increase 1 s c at beginning of row and work 1 s c in each s c, omitting last 5 s c.
12th Row. Decrease 1 st at beginning of row and work 1 s c in each s c.
13th and 14th Rows. 1 s c in each s c.
15th and 16th Rows. Increase 1 st at beginning of each row.
17th, 18th, 19th 20th Rows. Decrease 1 st at beginning and end of each row, break yarn.
Join yarn between the two head pieces and work over the 3 free s c. Work 11 rows even.
12th Row. Increase 1 st at beginning and end of row and work 10 more rows even.
23rd Row. Increase 1 st at beginning and end of row and work 8 rows even, then decrease 1 st at beginning of each row until 2 sts remain. Work 12 more rows even, break yarn.

The great thing about Toyland is that you get to revisit it when you have children of your own.

Front. With White starting at lower edge, ch 37. 36 s c on ch. Work 30 more rows even taking p back loop of st only.
Next 9 Rows. Decrease 1 st at beginning of each row (27 s c).
41st, 42nd, 45th, 46th, 49th, 50th Rows. 1 s c in each s c.
43rd, 44th, 47th, 48th, 51st, 52nd Rows. Decrease 1 st at beginning of each row.
53rd to 70th Rows. Decrease 1 st at beginning of each row or until 3 sts remain, then work 3 or 4 rows on the 3 sts, break yarn.

But the greatest thing about Toyland is that you can refuse to leave it when your children become teenagers. And then you can spend the next several years horribly embarrassing them every chance you get.

One, two, three, one, two, three, batty, batty, bat!

Wings. With White ch 9, 8 s c on ch, work 15 rows or until work measures about 7 inches. Make 2 White and 2 black sections. Crochet them together with Black. Work a second row of s c all around wing decreasing at lower edge to shape. Across top of wing decrease until 3 sts remain.

Feet. Ch 6, 5 s c on ch and work 1 more row even.
3rd and 4th Rows. Increase 1 st in first and last s c.
5th and 6th Rows. Increase 1 st in first st.
7th and 8th Rows. Decrease 1 st at beginning of row. Work 2 feet White and 2 in Black. Crochet the 2 sections together with Black filling them slightly if desired.
Lower circle section, work in s c taking up both loops.

I had high hopes that this might be the rare four-footed penguin. As it turns out, you’ll just sew all of those feet together.

Although, if you really want to crochet a four-footed, mutant penguin, I say go for it! What could possibly go wrong?

Ch 2, 6 s c in first ch, join.
2nd, 3rd, 4th Rows. 2 s c in every other s c.
5th, 6th, 7th, 8th Rows. 2 s c in every 3rd s c. Work 3 rows even then work 29 s c, ch 1, turn. Work back over the 29 s c, work 2 more rows even.
Next 9 Rows. Decrease 1 st at beginning and end of row. Work 2 rows even.
Next 5 Rows. Decrease 1 st at beginning and end of row or until 3 sts remain, break yarn.

To put Penguin together, sew the two Black head pieces to center head-piece, allowing 3 or 4 rows of center section to extend below bill.
Starting at the 18th row from lower edge of Black, sew in White piece, being careful to match the rows of the body of Penguin, continue sewing White to end of bill.
Fill body. Cut a cardboard slightly smaller than the 11 rows of lower circle, fit section in and sew it to front of Penguin, sew around back of Penguin in 18th row taking up 1 loop of st only, then with Black crochet White and Black tail sections together. Sew feet in place. Sew wings in position.

Eyes. Crochet over the bone rings with White, and sew in place.

And tah-dah! You now have a giant, vintage penguin, circa 1942.

But stay tuned for more Penguin Kitsch. After all, this is March... of the Penguins!

Ba-doom-cha!

Click here for the printable pattern.


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