I’m Too Sexy for My Squares!

The Ripple Granny Jacket and Hat from Crochet with Squares, 1974

With apologies to Right Said Fred… whaddaya mean, who’s Right Said Fred?!



I’m too sexy for my followers, too sexy for my followers
Please, followers don’t leave me!

I’m too sexy for my jacket, too sexy for my jacket
So sexy I can’t hack it
I’m too sexy for the ski lodge, too sexy for the ski lodge
Bates Motel or Econo Lodge

And I’m too sexy for this post
Too sexy for this post
No way I’m ceasing and desisting!

I’m a granny square model, you know what I mean
I’d give my eye teeth to do a turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk
I’d kill my grandma to shake my tush on the catwalk

I’m too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat
There’s no denying that
And I'm too sexy to crochet, too sexy to crochet
I’d rather wear a toupee!

Cos I’m a granny square model, with grannies I’m seen
As I model in Wallmart instead of a catwalk
Oh, in Wallmart, in Wallmart
I got arrested for shaking my little tush in Wallmart.

I’m too sexy for Blogger, too sexy for Blogger
Twitter, Facebook and Blogher
I’m too sexy for my followers, too sexy for my followers
My followers are all going to leave me!

I’m too sexy for this blog.

For the complete too sexy pattern (and more too sexy snark):

THE RIPPLE GRANNY

I suppose those are ripples of granny squares, if by ripples you mean jagged clumps of potholders.

Sorry, I meant sexy, jagged clumps of sexy potholders.

SIZES: 10-12; 14-16 Directions are given for size 10-12. Changes for 14-16 are given in parentheses (for Jacket). Directions for hat in one size, it adjusts to fit.

MATERIALS NEEDED:

4 ply Synthetic yarn or Knitting Worsted (4 oz. skeins)
6 (7) skeins Color 1 (Royal Blue)
2 (3) skeins Color 2 (Green)
1 (2) skeins Color 3 (White)
1 (1) skeins each Color 4 (Yellow) and Color 5 (Red) or any 5 color combination may be substituted.
G (G) Aluminum or #6 (6) Plastic Crochet Hook for Squares and
F (F) Aluminum or #5 (5) Plastic Crochet Hook for Collar and Bands.

I hope I don’t have to warn you of the dire consequences should you attempt this pattern with a non-synthetic, organic yarn and a bamboo hook.

Remember this pattern booklet is called Crochet with Squares, not Crochet with Hippy-Dippy Tree Huggers.

JACKET (Size 10-12)
GAUGE: Each square measures 3½”.

SQUARE #1: Make 59
RND 1: With Color 1 (Royal Blue) and large hook ch 4, sl st in 4th st from hook to form a ring, ch 3, 2 dc in ring, * ch 3, 3 dc in ring, rep from * twice, ch 3, sl st in top of ch 3 to join.
RND 2: Ch 3, * (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop (corner shell), rep from * twice, (3 dc, ch 3, 2 dc) in last ch 3 loop, sl st in top of ch 3 to join (ch 3 at beg of row counts as 1 dc).
RND 3: Ch 3, 2 dc in space between ch 3 and next 3 dc group, * (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, 3 dc in next space between 3 dc loop, sl st in top of ch 3 to join, break off.

Perhaps a better name for this pattern booklet would be Crochet with Brackets, or Crochet with 3 dc. Crochet Yourself into a Coma would be cruel, but fair.

SQUARE #2: Make 34
RND 1: With Color 5 (Red) same as RND 1 of SQUARE #1, break off.
RND 2: Join Color 4 (Yellow) with sl st in 1st ch 3 loop, ch 3, (2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same loop with sl st, * (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, rep from * around, sl st in top of ch 3 to join, break off.
RND 3: Join Color 2 (Green) with sl st in 1st ch 3 loop, ch 3, (2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same loop as sl st, * 3 dc in space between next two 3 dc groups, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, rep from * around, end with 3 dc in space between last two 3 dc groups, sl st in top of ch 3 to join, break off.

SQUARE #3: Make 29
RND 1: Same as RND 1 of SQUARE #2.
RND 2: Use Color 2 (Green), work same as RND 2 of SQUARE #2.
RND 3: Use Color 3 (White), work same as RND 3 of SQUARE #2.

Thou shalt not make this pattern more interesting by altering the order of these holy SQUARES! First, thou shalt create all 56 of SQUARE #1. Thou shalt not crochet 29 of SQUARE #3, excepting that you have already completed 34 of SQUARE #2.

Making up your own SQUARE #5 is right out.

TRIANGLE #1: Make 24
ROW 1: With Color 1 (Blue) ch 4, sl st in 4th st from hook to form ring, ch 4, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in ring, work 1 tr in ring.
ROW 2: Ch 4, turn, 2 dc in first tr, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, skip next 3 dc, work 2 dc and 1 tr in top of turning ch 4.
ROW 3: Ch 4, turn, 2 dc in first tr, skip next 2 dc and next 3 dc group, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in ch 3 loop, skip 3 dc, 3 dc in space before last 2 dc, 2 dc and 1 tr in top of turning ch 4, break off.

TRIANGLE #1? But this is Crochet with Squares! Using TRIANGLES to fabricate a Ripple Granny Jacket is CHEATING!

Remember, one does not CHEAT in crochet! One uses crochet to punish cheaters.

TRIANGLE #2: Make 2.
ROW 1: With Color 5 (Red) same as Row 1 of TRIANGLE #1, break off.
ROW 2: Turn, join Color 4 (Yellow) with sl st in 1st tr, ch 4 complete same as ROW 2, TRIANGLE #1, break off.
ROW 3: Turn, join Color 2 (Green) with sl st in 1st tr, ch 4, complete same as Row 3, TRIANGLE #1, break off.

UNDERARM MOTIF: (5 corners). Make 2.

Why yes, my underarm is pentagon-shaped. Isn’t yours?

RND 1: With Color 5 (Red), ch 4, sl st in 4th st. from hook to form ring, ch 3, 2 dc in ring, * ch 3, 3 dc in ring, rep from * 3 times, ch 3, join with sl st in top of ch 3, break off.
RNDS 2 and 3: Work in same manner as Square #2, but having 5 corners, break off.

BLOCKING: Block all motifs to size. See page 49.

Turn to page 49, class.

Apparently, blocking is the application of an iron-on patch onto a side of beef pinned to a candy stripers uniform.

That’s candy stripers not candy strippers! Get your minds out of the gutters, people.

BLOCKING: Place crocheted square right side down on well padded surface. Pin each square or article to size given with each design. Cover with damp cloth, steam (do not press). When two pieces have the same measurements, pine one piece down and block. Place reverse piece on top (right side up), and block. All pieces to dry completely before removing pins.

That procedure may work for the first couple of squares, but once you have a pile of 122 of the same sized squares, you’re going to need a bigger iron. And a super-sized side of beef.

Now everyone turn back to page 40 of the text book.

JOINING: Weave Squares together following directions on page 49.

Page 49 AGAIN!

All right, if I must.

Let me guess. Either your joining will create a legion of synthetic yarn ridges inside the jacket to rub against your skin until you’re driven mad (option A) or the outside of the jacket will look like Dr. Frankenstein embroidered it (option B).

Decisions, decisions.

JOINING SQUARES:

A With tapestry needle and same yarn as last rnd overcast edges of both squares from one ch 3 loop to next, or from one corner sc to next corner sc.
B Butt 2 motifs together, bring needle up through center of corner st of 1st motif, down through corner st of 2nd motif, * up through next st of same motif, down through same st of 1st motif and up through next st of same motif, down through same st of 2nd motif, rep from * until joining is completed.

Class, stop sniggering just because they said Butt! Now everyone back to page 40.

Join Jacket in 3 sections as shown on charts.

After having crocheted and ironed 122 squares, 26 triangles and 2 underarm motifs, feel free to delegate the stitching together of all 150 pieces to the kids.

If they complain, remind them that this isn’t illegal child labour as you’re not going to be paying them. No, this is family game night.

Follow chart for color arrangement of motifs 1, 2, and 3. Join shoulders matching P’s and Q’s. Use different colors of yarn for markers for letters I through O placing where indicated on chart (on sleeves and armhole openings). Join sleeve seams matching letters A through H. Matching yarn colors place sleeve in position and weave in place.

COLLAR AND BORDER:
(For both sizes) (Collar and bands are worked in one piece and all sc’s are worked in back loop of stitches only)
Row 1: (Starting at center back) With Color 1 and small size crochet hook, ch 5, 1 sc in 2nd st from hook, I sc in each of next 3 ch sts, (4 sc in row).
Row 2: Ch 1, turn, 1 dc in each sc across. Repeat last row until 164 (180) rows are completed.

C’mon, it’s only 180 rows! I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, people. There is NO crying in crochet!

There is, however, repetitive stress injury in crochet.

START COLLAR SHAPING:
Row 1: (Inc. Row) ch 1, turn, 1 sc in each sc, 2 sc in last sc.
Row 2: Ch 1, turn, 1 sc in each sc across. Repeat last 2 rows until there are 14 sc in row.
Row 21: Repeat row 1 of Collar shaping.
Row 22: Ch 1, turn, 2 sc in first sc, 1 sc in each rem sc.
Rows 23 and 24: Repeat Rows 1 and 2 of Collar shaping. Repeat last 4 rows until there are 35 sc in row. Work without increasing over 35 sc until there are 262 (274) rows in all, break off.
This is ½ of Collar and Border measuring from center back of lower edge of neck. Make other half in same manner. Join the 2 sections at center back of border and collar.

If you incur repetitive stress injury from making the second half of the Collar and Border, write to Graphic Enterprises Inc, the holder of this pattern’s copyright back in 1974. Unfortunately, they didn’t provide an address, but I’m certain that one of the 33,800,000 hits their company’s name got from Google will be the correct place.

Good luck!

CUFFS: Make 2. Ch 21, work same as Row 1 and 2 of collar (20 sc in row) until there are 60 (63) rows, break off. Join 2 short ends to form tube.

BELT: Ch 9, work back and forth in single crochet same as cuff until there are 218 (230) rows or until belt is desired length, break off.

Such a prosaic belt just won’t do justice to the patchwork masterpiece your family made together.

This vintage belt, on the other hand, will add a certain je ne sais quoi.

No, je ne sais quoi is not French for WTF.

FINISHING: With right sides together, place and stitch collar and border to outside edge of jacket, matching center back of collar to center of neck, center back of border to center back of lower edge of jacket, making sure increased edge of collar is attached to jacket edge.
JACKET (Size 14-16)

There is NO crying in pattern transcription.

*wimper*

GAUGE: Each square measures 4”.
Jacket is made same as Size 10-12—But do not break yarn at end of last RND or ROW of Motifs.

SQUARES:
RND 4: Ch 1, 1 sc in same st with sl st, work (1 sc in each dc, 5 sc in each corner ch 3 loop) around, join with sl st, break off.

TRIANGLES:
ROW 4: Ch 1, turn, 1 sc in first tr, 1 sc in each dc up to ch 3 corner loop, 5 sc in ch 3 loop, 1 sc in each rem dc, 1 sc in top of turning ch 4, break off.

BLOCKING, JOINING, FINISHING:
Work same as Size 10-12.
DIRECTIONS For Collar and Border are given in parenthesis with directions for Size 10-12.

That wasn’t so bad. So we’re finally done now, right?

HAT

AUUUUUGGGGHHHH!

Work 8 Squares #2 and 4 Triangles #1 same as Size 10-12 jacket.

BLOCKING: Same as Size 10-12 jacket.

JOINING: Weave squares together same as jacket joining 4 squares together for crown. Matching letters, join the 4 squares #2 to center Squares, then fit Triangles between Squares. Stitch Triangles in place. See chart.

That’s a hat? It looks like a crocheted pinwheel.

So, instead of stitching it together to form an ugly hat, you could create your own low tech wind farm!

BRIM: Using large crochet hook, join Color 1 (Blue) with an sc in end st of a dc row, work 2 more sc over same end st, work (3 sc over end sts of each dc row, skipping all joinings and ch 4 rings at beg of each triangle) around, join, (72 sc).

NOTE: The entire brim is worked in back loop of each sc.

MORE IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTE: Do not wear completed granny square hat in the kitchen. Someone may try using your head to get a roast out of the oven.

RND 2: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, * 1 sc in each of next 5 sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * around, join in 1st sc (84 sc).
RND 3: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, * I sc in each of the next 6 sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * around, join (96 sc).
RNDS 4 and 5: Ch 1, turn, I sc in in each sc all around, join each round.
RND 6: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, * 1 sc in each of the next 7 sc, 2 sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * all around join (108 sc).
RNDS 7 and 8: Same as RNDS 4 and 5.
RND 9: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, *1 sc in each of the next 8 sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * around, join (120 sc).
RNDS 10 through 13: Work RNDS 4 and 5 twice, break off.

At last, you’re ready to shake your granny-squared tush on the catwalk!

Click here for the printable pattern.