Sunday, March 13, 2011

Phentex Wants to Kill Bobby and Cindy!

“Appolo” Pillow from Decoration 2000, 1972

“Appolo” isn’t a spelling mistake. This pillow is made of Phentex, ergo it would be inappropriate to name it after Apollo, the Greek God of light and poetry. No, this interior decorator’s nightmare is named Appolo which in ancient Greek meant the destroyer. Given Appolo’s hatred of Apollo, I can only assume that little Bobby and Cindy accidentally triggered the Phentex Pillow’s feeding frenzy by turning on a sun lamp and reading out loud from the Jabberwocky.

Now, some would argue that Appolo’s attempt to destroy the Brady Bunch actually makes up for all the heartbreak Phentex has caused me all of us. But where else would I have learned that as the baby of the family I was a snooping little tattle-tale? I refuse to say whether or not I’m in curls on the grounds I might incriminate myself.

Besides, these child actors didn’t really deserve to be eaten by a Phentex Sandworm. Yes, I’m well aware they aren’t Mike Lookinland or Susan Olsen. However, the Brady Bunch went through early Cindys and Bobbys with the same ruthlessness they had for the little seen Brady dog Tiger. In fact, in the right hand corner you can see the original Tiger, portrayed by a red poodle named Plushie, moments before he was eaten along with the Brady wannabes.

When it comes to Phentex, even Poodlefest cannot save you.

For the complete pattern, and thankfully no more Brady Bunch references:

“Appolo” Pillow

54” wide—7’ long
It just occurred to me that this fake Appolo pillow might actually have been named after the fake Appolo moon landing.

No 7. American no 6.

Phentex 3 ply:
red 3 balls
navy 2 balls
black 1 ball
yellow 6 balls
dark orange 6 balls
orange 3 balls
white 2 balls
purple 2 balls
green 2 balls
brown 2 balls
Either Phentex only came in dull, dismal colours in 1972, or this pattern designer didn’t believe children deserved bright, pretty things.

Although, I suppose there’s no reason why both couldn’t be true.
Make a chain for a 54” wide, work in d.c. till 7’ long or at desired length, changing the colours—8 rows red, 2 rows black, 4 rows white, 6 rows yellow, 3 rows purple, 6 rows orange, 5 rows navy, 2 rows white, 4 rows green, 5 rows orange, 2 rows black, 4 rows yellow, 6 rows brown, 2 rows white, 3 rows navy, 8 rows red. (The red rows are in the center – work till the end of pillow, reversing colours.)
Wow, making this 7 foot long pillow (2.1336 metres for Canadian crocheters) would be more tedious than knitting a Doctor Who scarf.

Apparently, the 4th Doctor didn’t deserve bright, pretty things either.
2 Sides—1 yellow—1 orange—ch 6, close by a sl. st.
Row 1—Ch. 2,—11 d.c. in the opening.
Seriously, a comma and a dash? Pausing twice in the same row is a big risk in a pattern this boring.

Be sure your crochet buddy checks every two to three hours that you haven’t slipped into a coma.
Row 2—2 d.c. in each st.
Row 3—2 d.c. in same st. each 2 sts.
Row 4—2 d.c. in same st. each 3 sts.
Row 5—2 d.c. in same st. each 4 sts.
Row 6—1 d.c. in each d.c.
Row 7—2 d.c. in same st. each 5 sts.
That’s right, never crochet alone! Or thirty minutes after eating a big meal.
Work to row 12, spacing 1st each row between the 2 d.c. in the same st.

R. 13—1 d.c. in each d.c.
R. 14—2 d.c. in the same st. each 11 sts.
R. 15—2 d.c. in the same st. each 12 sts.
R. 16—1 d.c. in each d.c.
Now stuff the Phentex pillow with live children.

Of course, I’m not joking. The materials list never mentioned any other kind of stuffing. Come to think of it, there’s no mention of the big leather buttons either.

I guess you’re supposed to make them out of red poodles.
Work 1 row s.c. same colour of each side to sew the sides to pillow.
Despite being made out of deadly Phentex, dead poodles, and eventually dead children, the Appolo is not the deadliest pillow available on the interwebs. Nope, if you really want to win the next pillow fight, you’ll need to get yourself one of these.

Click here for the printable pattern.


  1. I'm not sure I have a room big enough to have this pillow in!

  2. That has to be the most bizarre thing I have seen in a long time!

    Though, I must admit that stuffing my own children into it sounds rather tempting....

  3. Sharon Marie - Who does? The Pope?

    Quantum Lobster - I definitely understand the temptation. I bet teenagers would make for even better stuffing than the smaller ones... Fewer lumps!

  4. Or you can stuff undesirable adults in there..... And I don't need a huge room, I'd still crochet it and stick it in the middle of the room just to be an arse.

    1. Do it, and send pictures! Promise not to release any of them to the investigating authorities. :)