Beware Thou of the Mutant!

Chicken Potholder Mitt from “Gifts, Knitted and Crocheted”, 1956.

Who doesn’t love potholders? They keep your fingers from being scorched, and they’re the perfect way to assert your individuality even while you’re being oppressed by the patriarchy cooking a delicious meal for your family.

The sleepy fish clearly proclaims to the world that Helen the Housewife prefers seafood because it cooks up faster and doesn’t cut into her beauty rest. What do you mean that fish is dead? No, it’s just having a snooze. Where do you think the phrase “sleeps with the fishes” comes from?

However, that fish is boring compared to the jellyfish, so I’ll make that one instead. Like Shirley the Stay-At-Home Mom who lovingly handmade those tentacles, I love trying exotic foods and...

What? It’s not a jellyfish? Um… is it an alien? Shirley was from West Texas, so surely she’d want to commemorate in crochet the visit of several U.F.O.s in November of 1957.

No? I give up, I have no idea what kind of abomination Shirley summoned from the depths of hell with her crochet hook.

It’s a chicken? What kind of chicken has FIVE LEGS?

OMG, who’s the cutest little freak of nature EVAH? You are. Yes, you are!

Hang on, that’s Henrietta the Mutant Chick and she only has four legs. Let’s try looking at this potholder from a different angle.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Flipping the photo upside down reveals that this potholder wasn’t a delicious drumstick-enhanced mutation after all. It’s just a depressed, mascara-wearing chicken with a feathery tail and no legs whatsoever.

How disappointing.

Chicken Potholder Mitt

Materials Required – AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “STAR” COTTON YARN, ARTICLE 75

1 – 100 yd. Skein Yellow.

2 yds. Black for Eyes.

Steel Crochet Hook No. 00

Body. Ch 4, 11 d c in 1st st of ch, join in top of ch.
2nd Row. Working in back loop of st only throughout, ch 1, 2 s c in same space, 2 s c in each remaining st (do not join or turn this or following rows).
3rd Row. Place a marker at beginning of row, work 1 s c in each s c increasing in every 2nd st.
4th Row. Increase in every 3rd st.
5th and 6th Rows. Work even in s c.
7th Row. Increase in every 4th st.
8th Row. Increase in every 5th st.
9th Row. Increase in every 6th st.
10th Row. Increase in every 7th st.
11th Row. Work even, break yarn.

I’m not sure what this potholder would say about you as a cook. Except that you sensibly cut off the legs before the head, so the chicken won’t mess up your kitchen by running around with its head chopped off.

Now, don’t you feel sorry for that legless, soon to be decapitated chicken. If you didn’t kill it, that chicken would become a bad influence on your children.

Head. Work 1st 5 rows same as body, then work bill, ch 3, 2 tr c in same space with last s c, ch 3, sl st in same space, break yarn.

You also like your chickens with soft, non-pointy beaks, presumably so they can’t defend themselves.

However, while your soft beaked chicken will pose no threat to you, your babies are still vulnerable. Just look what happened to Shirley’s youngest!

Tail. Skip 14 sts from head, join thread in next st, ch 10, s c in 3rd st from hook, 1 s c in each remaining st of ch, then work 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c of body, (working in opposite direction from head) ch 1, turn.
2nd Row. Skip 1 s c, working in back loop of st only throughout, 1 s c in each of the next 7 sts, ch 3, turn.
3rd Row. Skip 1st 2 sts of ch, s c in next st, 1 s c in each of the next 7 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c of body, ch 1, turn. Repeat last 2 rows 3 times, break yarn.

Where do you find a legless chicken?

Right where you left it!

Ba-dum-cha!

Work other half of mitt in same manner but starting tail having the wrong side of work toward you.

Sew the 2 sections together leaving about 22 sts free below the tail for opening. With Black, embroider eyes.

Now wait a gosh darn second! We’re supposed to stick our hand WHERE?

That’s just disgusting. Surely, Shirley knew that using a whole chicken is perverted!

Whereas, four-legged fowl are just a bit kinky.

His name is Stumpy, and he likes long walks by the lake with than special someone. Serious replies only!

Click here for the printable pattern.