“Awww... what a cute kitty. And who’s that holding the Trick-or-treat bag?
Oh my god! KILL IT! Kill the EVIL CLOWN!
Oh wait, it’s just Justin. Sorry kid, I didn’t mean to bludgeon you with my broom. Just take that darn mask off. It’s not safe. The next person who sees you might grab a shotgun, and then you’ll have a lot more to cry over than a concussion.
Next time, trust your instincts and go be Superman in your Underoos instead.”
Clearly, Justin’s crafty mother has decided she wants him dead. After all, we all know that clowns are the most terrifyingly loathsome creatures in all of Halloween lore.
You think I’m exaggerating?
Consider the horrifying evidence...
For the complete pattern (and more snark):
By Joy M. Nore
Don’t let the name of the pattern designer fool you! Her name may look like “More Joy” but that’s just an evil plan to lull you into a false sense of security.MATERIALS:
Worsted weight yarn: 2 ozs white, 1 oz black, 1 oz red
Crochet hook size G
½’’ wide elastic
With white, ch 31.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 6: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
Be sure to make the eye holes as small as possible. You don’t want your child accidentally glimpsing themselves in a mirror.
Charlie Chaplin glimpsed himself in the dressing room mirror while making his 1952 film “Limelight” and was immediately possessed by the spirit of a murderous clown. In fact, that was the real reason his American visa was revoked and he was barred from re-entering the U.S.A.. The story about his alleged “communist sympathies” was just a cover, designed to prevent mass panic in the face of a Charlie Chaplin clown on a killing spree.ROWS 7 – 9: Sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn. Fasten off.
Yes, clowns are scarier than communists. They’re THAT scary.
Sk 4 st on Row 6, join in next st, ch 1, sc in same place, sc in next 5 st, ch 1, turn.
Work 2 more rows on these st in sc, ch 1, turn each row. Fasten off.
Sk next 4 st, join in next sc, ch 1, sc in same place, sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn.
Work 2 more rows on these st in sc, ch 1, turn each row.
ROW 10: Sc in next 8 st, ch 4, sc in next 6 st, ch 4, sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn. Eyeholes completed.
ROWS 11 & 12: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 13: (1st Point) Sc in 1st 14 st, sl st in next st.
Justin’s clown mask comes complete with demonic horns. Clearly, it was inspired by the Sparr Fruit Co. Clown Brand advertising campaign:
Buy Sparr Fruit, or the Sparr Fruit Clown will come to your house and slice you open with his pointy hair and eat your heart, all the while giggling maniacally.ROW 14: Sl st in 1st st, sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. (13 st)
It was a surprisingly effective campaign.
ROWS 15 – 20: Sc in each st across to sl st; sl st or ch 1, at same end of each row, having 1 less st in each row. (7 sc in Row 20)
ROW 21: Sl st in 1st st, sc in next 4 st, sk 1 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 22: Sc in next 2 st, sl st in next st. Fasten off.
Second Point: Join yarn in next st on Row 13. Rep Rows 13 – 22, reversing shaping.
The eye diamonds are more proof that Justin’s mother wants him dead. After all, if Justin’s vision is completely obscured by his mask, he’s likely to wander into the street and get mowed down by a car.With black, ch 2.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, ch 1, turn.
ROW 2: 2 sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 3: 2 sc in 1st st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 4: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 5: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in next 2 st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 6: Sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 7 – 9: (EYEHOLES) Sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn. Fasten off after Row 9. At the other end of Row 6, join yarn in 5th st, Rep Row 6: 4 times.
Do not Fasten off.
ROW 10: Sc in 1st st, ch 4, sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 11: Sc in each st and ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 12: Sk 1st st, sc in next 4 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 13: Sl st in 1st st, sc in next 2 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 14: Sc in next 2 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 15: Dec over next 2 st. Fasten off, leaving length for sewing. Sew in place.
NOSE: Make 2’’ pompon with red yarn. Sew as shown in photograph.
FINISHING: With black, sc all around Mask, putting 2 sc in each corner. With red yarn, make straight st outward from Eyes. Cut elastic to fit around head; and sew on each side.
You might believe that being terrified of clowns is a modern phenomenon. Surely, you say, there was a far less sensible time when clowns were considered loveable. Why just look at this adorable little scamp in this vintage card!
Ignoring minor details such as that girl is far too young to be playing with fire let alone worrying about future lovers, the cat is clearly possessed by demons or it would have ripped that collar off, and the boy in the clown costume is so psychotic he’s just smashed his head through a mirror and has jagged shards of glass pointing right at his throat...
Where was I? Oh yes, ignoring all the above, the fact remains that this is just a drawing which in no way conveys the abiding horror of clowns throughout history.
Allow me to present Actual Photographic Evidence.
Some of these children are frozen in terror, while others, like the boy in the wheelchair, are resigned to their fate. The clown has them all in his corpse-white grasp, and there’s no escape. Maybe, thinks the littlest one, we’ll be allowed to live and get to be his evil minions. All I have to do is kill the photographer to prove my loyalty.
He’s wrong, of course. It’s the little girl who gets to be the killer clown’s acolyte. Yes, that’s Justin’s mother, Joy!
So have a Happy Halloween! Steer clear of the sweet old lady next door who offers to crochet costumes for you, and watch out for clowns!
Click here for the printable pattern.