Witch hunting is no longer in vogue, but witches are still not safe in the modern world. Every Halloween, thousands of witches tragically become roadkill. Yet no one wants to wear an orange ribbon to raise awareness of this sorceress slaughter!
The poor witch above, known only as Roadkilla #666, was clearly dragged for several miles by her nose. But was the driver Hansel arrested? Of course not! His sister Gretel told a sob story of being kidnapped by a cannibal witch in their youth, and suddenly Hansel’s the victim!
Handmade by Mother’s crack team of investigative journalists found it very suspicious that Hansel and Gretel threw around these accusations of nearly being eaten by a witch. Especially after they refused to explain the disappearance Roadkilla’s hands, and everyone knows that eating roadkill is legal in their home state of Tennessee.
After touring Oprah and all the talk shows, Hansel and Gretel settled down to make their fortune in Roadkill Bingo. Meanwhile, no one stepped forward to claim Roadkilla’s body, and months later her corpse was found stuffed and mounted on the office door of the Bates Motel. But thanks to the generosity of an anonymous donor, Roadkilla was finally given a delicious … I mean, decent burial.
For the complete pattern (and more snark!):
DOOR WITCH
By Debbie Randy
MATERIALS:
Worsted weight 4-ply yarn: 2 oz black, sm amt green and orange
Crochet hook size H
Cat eyes (15 mm)
Broom of choice
I don’t want to question Debbie’s artistic vision, but cat eyes for a witch? A black cat may agree to be your companion in magical mischief, but it won’t be your organ donor!
Trust me, I once listed my cat as my emergency contact, and it didn’t work out.
FACE
With green, ch 5.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 7: 2 sc in 1st st, sc across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 8 – 23: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. Fasten off.
The good news – this pattern is easy enough for a beginner!NOSE
With green, ch 8.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 15: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. Fasten off at end of Row 15. Sew edge of Nose together (long edge). Sew one end to Row 11 of Face.
The bad news – this pattern will convince beginners that crocheting is the most boring thing to do on this planet. When, in truth, blogging holds that honour.HAIR
With orange, cut 26 – 28” pieces of yarn. Attach 2 pieces at a time along top of Face. Cut the center 10 sts at Row 16.
Canadians should braid the orange hair, and insist that all trick-or-treating children tug on the braids, shouting, “Carrots!”
For those unfamiliar with Anne of Green Gables, she’s a beloved icon of Canadian children’s literature, who may or may not have been a puppy-killing Nazi.HAT
CROWN
With black, ch 14.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 8: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 9: Dec over next 2 st, sc in next 9 sts, dec over last 2 sts, ch 1, turn.
ROW 10: Rep Row 2.
ROW 11: Dec over 1st 2 st, sc across, dec over last 2 st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 12: Rep Row 2.
ROW 13: Rep Row 11.
ROW 14 – 16: Rep Row 2.
ROW 17: Rep Row 11.
ROW 18: Rep Row 2.
ROW 19: Rep Row 11.
ROWS 20 – 22: Rep Row 2.
ROW 23: Dec over 1st 2nd st, sl st in next st. Fasten off.
BRIM
With black yarn, join yarn to lower right-hand corner of Hat Crown, on other side of beginning ch-14.
ROW 1: Sc in 1st ch, sc in same ch, sc in each ch across to last ch, 2 sc in last ch, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 8: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across to last st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn. Fasten off at end of Row 8.
You’ll have noticed that the hat is by far the most complicated part of this pattern. But that’s only right, because witches really love their hats.
Witches’ cats, on the other hand, not so much.
BODY
With black, ch 17.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 2: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 3: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn. (18 st)
ROWS 4 &5: Rep Row 2.
ROW 6: Rep Row 3.
ROWS 7 – 24: Rep Rows 4 – 6.
ROWS 25 – 27: Rep Row 2.
ROW 28: Rep Row 3.
ROWS 29 – 40: Rep Rows 25 – 28:
ROWS 41 & 42: Rep Row 2.
Whoa Debbie, why are you suddenly using fancy-smancy ampersands? Were you testing me to see if I was still awake?SLEEVES
To be fair, I was sleep crocheting.
(Make 2)
With black, ch 13.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 & 3: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 4: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 5 – 14: Rep Rows 3 and 4. (24 sts at end of Row 14)
ROWS 15 – 27: Rep Row 3. Fasten off.
Or possibly zombie crocheting by this point.
No, no, not a crochet zombie, zombie crocheter … oh, never mind.Sew sleeves to side of Body. Fold Sleeve in half so that point is at bottom. Tack in place.
BOOTS
(Make 2)
With black, fold Body in half; attach yarn, sk middle st, sc across 4 sc, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 5: Sc in each st across.
ROW 6: Starting Toe, 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 7: Sc in each st across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 8: Starting HEEL, sc in base of ch-1, sc in next 2 st, sl st in next st, sc in next 2 st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 9: Repeat Row 8.
ROWS 10 & 11: 2 sc for Heel. Fasten off.
Yes, these seem like awfully long boots for Roadkilla, but witches love their fancy footwear almost as much as their hats.
Whatever you do, don’t try to liven up this pattern by going for the ruby slipper option. You’ll be sorry.
Sew Head to Body. Attach Broom and Eyes.
Yes, it’s very important to attach the Broom first, and then the Eyes. That’s because witches love their brooms far more than their eyesight.
Which may explain why so many witches end up as flat as Roadkilla.
That, and one too many witches’ brews.
Click here for the printable pattern.
Posts
I wonder why had the "imaginary vintage witches" to endure their green faces and long noses and pointed chins,while they could easily use some of their magic to make themselves beautiful!.
ReplyDeleteSorry I forgot to sign my comment.I suppose that the older generation of classic and 1001 night witches were much more wise,because most of them were very pretty. Hind
ReplyDeleteHi, Hind!
ReplyDeleteI agree... the 1001 Nights witches were almost certainly much cleverer!
Then again, the green-faced witches keep running into trees, and repeated concussions can't be good for their intellect... ;-)
Door Witch <3
ReplyDeleteLiisa! Make one! Nail it to your door and then send us photos. It's not too late - with a little sparkly yarn you could make her a Christmas witch... I mean, fairy.
ReplyDelete