Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Slouching toward a Washable Bethlehem

Carefree Washable Wool Ad from Vogue Knitting, Holiday, 1986


Nothing's too good for that favorite kid.
But the other three? Meh. They can have stretched out old sweaters you picked up at the flea market.

And if the oldest complains that her Christmas sweater is way too long, just tell her that it’s a dress meant to be worn with tights. Then take lots of pictures to be used as blackmail in the future.

Good mothers plan ahead.
That’s why you’ll spend the time and love on a handmade gift. When wool’s your yarn choice, you can be sure that you’re giving the best. Wool’s warm, comfortable...
Assuming your definition of comfortable is “so itchy everyone will assume your child has fleas”.
...great looking, incredibly resilient – and it’s even washable. That’s our gift to you.
By the way, we’re expecting you to pay for this “gift”.
Because you care, we wouldn’t want you to put your effort into anything less than the best... Pure Washable Wool.
That’s right, use Pure Wool, or we’ll all know that you don’t put any effort into your impure knitting.
Check your favorite yarn store for pattern information and yarn with the washable wool label.
There’s a mysterious symbol on the bottom right of the ad... what could it mean?

To find out:

This ominous triple swirl is the Woolmark!

In 1964, a shadowy Australian organization known as the “International Wool Secretariat” secretly hatched a plan to take over the world by creating quality standards for wool.

Don’t look so surprised, everyone knows that Australia is the number one breeding ground for successful supervillains. The IWS is headed by Doctor Lanolin, usually pictured bald and stroking his pet wallaby, Mr. Hoppy. He (the doctor not the wallaby) decided to hold an international competition to create a recognizable new logo for the IWS. A logo which would then be tattooed onto everyone’s forehead during the Apocalypse, as a sign of their allegiance to the Antichrist!


Oh, all right, a more scholarly (*cough*boring*cough*) account of the history of the Antichr... I mean, Woolmark Company can be found here.

But if you’re unprepared when the Australian supervillains begin their reign of terror, don’t come crying to me.

No comments:

Post a Comment