Friday, December 24, 2010

Sensational doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Dritz Art Needlework Ad from McCall’s Needlework & Crafts, Winter 1978

Unless, during the 1970s, sensational was a synonym for bleak and depressing.

To be fair, being a survivalist was a lot tougher those days. There were no websites to provide tips on how to decorate your bunker for Christmas, or what gifts to buy relatives who refuse to prepare for the collapse of Western civilization.

So back in 1978, Brenda heroically tried to brighten up her basement bunker by flinging needlepoint pillows hither and yon. However, despite their striking dimensional effect, her Dritz® Art mini-pillows proved to be no protection when Commie Santa came to town.

For more 1970s survivalist decorating ideas:

Ah Christmas Eve, a time of joy and celebration even if you lived in a disco era bomb shelter. After the kids fell asleep in their sleeping bags, visions of canned goods and gold bars dancing in their heads, Brenda put up the artificial tree. Then she hung the unbreakable ornaments, draped the flame-resistant garlands, and broke out hypoallergenic fiberfill snow for under the tree.

Still, Radioactive Rudolf had nothing but contempt for her efforts.

Rudolph couldn’t forgive Brenda for using up all her red yarn giving Mr. and Mrs. Claus glowing red noses. But everyone knows that reindeer are useless during a nuclear winter.

But come Armageddon, Rudolf, Christmas Mouse, Mutant Mutt, Frosty and his Mini-Me will be grateful for Brenda’s indoor/outdoor turf carpeting. Those synthetic fibers are guaranteed to survive anything short of a direct hit from an atom bomb. Plus, the wood paneling on the wall is actually made of Laminex® – wipes clean and blocks radiation!

Even Brenda’s needlepoint Christmas wreath (decorative bar not included) has been constructed out of apocalypse-resistant acrylic yarn.

Sometimes Brenda fantasizes about going outside to see real trees and grass, but then she thinks, “What if today is the day they drop the bomb?” You see, she’s been living in this basement since Sputnik launched in 1957, and only captured found a husband when an unsuspecting plumber stumbled into her shelter in 1972.

Gazing at the locked, blast proof doors, Brenda decides she can’t chance the Soviets sending Merry Missiles for Christmas. So she reaches for another Dritz® Art Needlework Kit, thankful that they deliver during the end times.

Weird Al Yankovic - Christmas At Ground Zero (Official Music Video) - The best video clips are right here

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