This is Not a Christmas Stocking!

Christmas Stocking from Mon Tricot Knit & Crochet, December 1975

Because no one in their right mind would hang up this travesty on Christmas Eve!

For those of you not in your right mind, let me break it to you gently. Disco Santa isn’t real. He will not be doing the hustle down your chimney in a red polyester leisure suit. And no matter how good you’ve been, the real Santa’s not going to fill the above stocking with pet rocks, CB radios, and a Burt Reynolds centerfold.

But V.D., you protest, people in the 1970s believed in Disco Santa. Shouldn’t we respect their beliefs?

Absolutely not! People in the seventies were brainwashed by evil interior decorators into colouring their world in yowling yellow and obnoxious orange. James Lileks wrote it, I believe it, and that settles it.

So, if you want your Christmas stocking to gladden Santa’s heart, you better choose a more modern crochet pattern.

sob

For the complete travesty pattern:

Christmas Stocking

materials

RUG YARN: Nineteen 50 gr. balls of Tapis Pingouin (28 yards per 50 gr. ball) distributed as follows: Seven 50 gr. balls in Red: Seven 50 gr. balls in Orange: Five 50 gr. balls in Yellow.

I’m surprised the designer actually allowed Christmassy red in this stocking. Although, to experience a real 1970s Christmas, you’ll have to ditch the red and go with avocado green.

See group Novelty Yarns on page 7.

Tapis Pingouin no longer exists, and I hardly think you need a list of thirteen other extinct Bulky Novelty Yarns.

Crochet Hook size Q.

sizes

Height: 29”

Length of sole:17”

Sadly, many Pingouins were hunted into extinction during the 1970s.

stitches used: 1. Chain (ch). 2. Slip Stitch (sl st). 3. Single Crochet (sc). (See basic stitches on page 8).

Sorry, I forgot to scan page 8. I was too choked up by my memories of baby Pingouins being clubbed to death just so disco divas could crochet with rug yarn.

4. Striped Single Crochet: work *3 rows Red: 3 rows Orange: 3 rows Yellow*.

The bizarre use of colons throughout this pattern makes me feel kinda bad for picking on Grace Burrell’s abuse of semi-colons.

BTW, please take my word for it and don’t search colon abuse on Google Images.

OUR ADVICE

To give a good support to the boot, slip a cardboard inside, cut in the same shape as the crocheted sole.

MY ADVICE.

Cut cardboard first, then slip cardboard inside the boot. Unless you really want to spend Christmas wrapped up in bandages.

directions

With Red chain 60 and work in Striped Single Crochet, shaping the chevrons on every row as follows: *4 sc, 2 sc in next st, 4 sc, skip 1 st, repeat from * across. Chain 1 to turn and skip the first st.

Work 39 rows even. Then with Orange for instep, chain 5 at beg. and end of next row and work even the 2nd and 3rd rows.

Next row: With Yellow, pick up 4 sts on the 2 previous Orange rows and with Yellow work the 2nd and 3rd rows shaping one chevron.

On first Red row, chain 5 at beg. and end of row. With Red work 2nd and 3rd rows.

On first Orange row, with Orange pick up 4 sts on the 2 previous Red rows, and with Orange work the 2nd and 3rd rows shaping one chevron.

Thank goodness, the pattern editor took the time to capitalize the names of the colours!

With Yellow work next 3 rows even. With Red work next 3 rows even.

Next row: with Orange: leave unworked 4 sts at beg. and end of row: with Orange work 2 more rows. Fasten off.

Whereas, taking the time to count the rows – instead of providing multiple 2nd, 3rd, and Next rows – well, that wouldn’t have been useful at all.

sole

With Orange chain 8. Work sc increasing 1 st at beg. and end of row, every other row (6 times).

Work 11 rows Orange: 13 rows Red: 15 rows Orange. At same time beginning on 12th row, decrease 2 sts every other row (twice). Fasten off.

It’s possible that snarking at vintage patterns is naughty, but I’m not worried about getting coal in my stocking. I have it on very good authority that Santa now supports coal-free Christmases.

finishing:

To close the boot, (wrong side facing), with Red work 1 row sl st inserting hook through both thicknesses. (right side facing) with Yellow, work 1 row sl st to hide the seam. Sew sole to boot. With Red chain 16 inserting the first st in the top at the back of boot and work 1 row sl st on these ch-16. Join with sl st to first ch.

Now hang your retro 1970s stocking if you dare!

Just remember, if you inspire Santa to go to a disco, you’ll be responsible for breaking a lot of kiddies’ hearts on Christmas morn.

Click here for the printable pattern.