DIY - Okay! It's a Christmas Afghan!

The original pattern claimed to be Old Colonial Style, but there’s no way I can look at this afghan and see anything other than New Christmas Kitsch.

Of course, the fact that I made it out of Bernat’s Happy Holidays Yarn – specifically Red Sparkle, Green Sparkle, and Silver Sparkle – may have something to do with its Home for the Holidays appearance.

My family’s reaction to my latest home decorating effort? My dog tried to escape out the window. “It’s very... bright,” said my husband, cautiously. “My eyes! They’re bleeding!” exclaimed my son. Meanwhile, my daughter wandered in with her nose in a book and sat right down on the afghan. “What new afghan?” she asked.

Right now, she’s my favorite family member.

For the shocking details of this afghan’s construction:

I was not expecting the afghan motifs to be quite so... well-endowed. In fact, I think these are the most pornographic things I’ve ever crocheted, and that includes the Phentex Nipples.

But if I ever need to crochet up pasties for a friend’s Bachelorette party, I now have a template!

The finished motifs aren’t remotely close to eight inches across, unless you add the extra inch up and down the sides of the nipples. I suppose I could have used a thicker yarn, but I didn’t have the heart to sacrifice the Sparkle.

Never doubt my commitment to Sparkle Motion!

Besides, the finished result was just the right size to cover a chair, and a dazzling improvement over the dismal blue plaid.

The pillow pattern also turned out to be useful for covering one of my rattier sofa cushions. The cushion itself was tan, which clashed with the cheeky Christmas cheer of the yarn. So, I cut up an old red t-shirt and used it for the lining.

I bet it’ll all look terrific in front of the Christmas tree!

Unless, of course, it’s completely covered in cat fur by then.