Let the Punishment Sweater Fit the Crime!

First Noel Sweater from McCall’s Needlework & Crafts, Nov/Dec 1983

Your son may be your favorite choir boy, but you know he’s been bad. He’s been skipping his music lessons, trashing hotel rooms, and giving Santa a hot foot was the final straw.

But what are you to do? You can’t beat the child, and even yelling at him is no longer in vogue.

However, in the tradition of the Tabard of Shame, there is one way you can humiliate him in public this holiday season and get nothing but praise for it. Knit him a really ugly, badly fitting Christmas sweater. A sweater that not only says, “I love you,” but also says, “If you don’t shape up, I’m buying you the matching lederhosen and enrolling you in Christmas Band Camp.”

And if he still won’t listen, you can always threaten to doll him up like one of these dudes:

For the complete pattern (and additional humiliation):

THE FIRST NOEL SWEATER

SIZES: Directions are for size 8. Changes for sizes 10 and 12 are in parentheses.

Body Chest Size: 26’’ (28’’ – 30’’).

Blocked Chest Size: 28’’ (30’’ – 32’’).

MATERIALS: Coats & Clark’s Red Heart Sport Yarn, 3 (4 – 4) 2 oz. balls Red (A). 1 ball each White (B) and Black (C). Knitting needles Nos. 4 and 7 (3 1/2 and 4 1/2 mm). Set dp needles No. 4 (3 1/2 mm).

Okay, it may take you a few months to knit this sweater out of sport weight yarn, but remember, revenge is a dish best served cold.

And 2010 will be a perfect year to serve up an “Ice Cold Sandwich” of Revenge.

GAUGE: 6 sts = 1’’; 7 rows = 1’’.

Pattern Notes: When changing colors, pick up new strand from under dropped strand. Carry unused colors across loosely. When more than 5 sts between sts of same color, twist yarns every 3 sts. Cut and join colors as needed. White sts can be worked in duplicate st.

PULLOVER: BACK: Beg at lower edge with No. 4 needles and A, cast on 80 (86 – 92) sts. Work in twisted ribbing of k 1 through back lp, p 1 for 2 1/2’’, inc 4 sts evenly spaced across last row – 84 (90 – 96) sts. Change to No. 7 needles and stockinette st (k 1 row, p 1 row). Work until piece measures 10 1/2’’ (11 1/2’’ – 12 1/2’’) from start. Check gauge; piece should measure 14’’ (15’’ – 16’’) wide.

Isn’t it thoughtful of the pattern editor to remind us to check our gauge at this point? It makes me wonder, though, why the sweaters in the pictures don’t fit.

Maybe the person who knitted the sweaters for the photo shoot really disliked children.

Shape Armholes: Bind off 6 sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec 1 st each side every other row 4 times – 64 (70 – 76) sts. Work until armholes measure 5 1/2’’ (6’’ – 6 1/2’’) above bound-off sts.

Shape Shoulders and Neck: Bind off 19 (21 – 23) sts at beg of next 2 rows. Sl remaining 26 (28 – 30) sts on a holder.

I can see just how it all went down. “They promised me I’d be making clothing for Vogue,” the professional knitter grumbled, needles flying. “They told me I’d be creating high fashion.”

“Shouldn’t my sweater be a bit longer?” ventured one choir boy, timidly. “It’s riding up under my armpits.”

Well, in Whoville, they say, you could hear her “BAH HUMBUG!” from three miles away. Pine trees shriveled up, pigeons dropped dead in the streets, and Christmas was cancelled.

FRONT: Beg at lower edge, with No. 4 needles and A, cast on 80 (86 – 92) sts. Work in twisted ribbing for 2 1/2’’, inc 4 sts evenly spaced across last row – 84 (90 – 96) sts. Change to No. 7 needles and stockinette st. Work to top of Chart 1, 2, 3 or 4. Continue with A until piece measures same as back to underarm.

The moral of this story is; never annoy a cranky lady armed with knitting needles.

I strongly recommend clicking on the above picture to enlarge these charts. If you choose not to and subsequently go blind, you have only yourself to blame.

Shapes Armholes: Bind off 6 sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec 1 st each side every other row 4 times – 64 (70 – 76) sts. Work until armhole measures 4’’ (4 1/2’’ – 5’’) above bound-off sts, end p row.

Shape Neck and Shoulders: Next Row: K 23 (25 – 27) sts, join another ball of yarn, bind off center 18 (20 – 22) sts, finish row. Working both sides at once, with separate strands of yarn, dec 2 st each neck edge every other row 4 times. Work until armholes measure 5 1/2’’ (6’’ – 6 1/2’’) above bound-off sts. Bind off remaining 19 (21 – 23) sts each side.

If you want this pattern to make any musical sense, you’ll have to make all four variations. Then you’ll need to round up four children, stuff them into the sweaters, and force them to stand in a row, just like the Von Trapp children.

SLEEVES: Beg at lower edge, with No. 4 needles and A, cast on 44 (46 – 48) sts. Work in twisted ribbing for 3’’, inc 4 sts evenly spaced across last row – 48 (50 – 52) sts. Change to No. 7 needles and stockinette st. Inc 1 st each side every 1’’ 8 times – 64 (66 – 68) sts. Work until sleeve measures 12’’ (12 1/2’’ – 13’’) from start or desired length to underarm. Check gauge; piece should measure 10 1/2’’ (11’’ – 11 1/2’’) wide.

Sounds like a difficult task, but it all depends on how you sell it.

Shape Cap: Bind off 6 sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec 1 st each side every other row 14 (15 – 16) times – 24 sts. Bind off 3 sts at beg of next 4 rows. Bind off remaining 12 sts, knitting tog the first 2 and last 2 sts.

Just tell the children that these aren’t band uniforms. No, they’re cool, retro costumes for a trendy Flash Mob.

FINISHING: Sew shoulder, side and sleeve seams. Sew in sleeves.

Neckband: From right side, with No. 4 dp needles and A, pick up and k 84 (88 – 92) sts around neck edge. Work in twisted ribbing for 1 3/4. Bind off loosely in ribbing. Turn neckband 3/4’’ to wrong side, sew in place.

Before the brats know what hit them, they’ll be helplessly Do-Re-Mi-ing for hours! And you’ll have a recording you can use to blackmail them into good behaviour for years to come.

Okay, this particular “Flash Mob” actually consisted of 200 professional dancers hired to promote a show for a Belgian TV station. But just think of how well these sweaters and some lederhosen would fit right in!

With Julie Andrews on your side, you can sing “So Long, Farewell” to boyhood bad behaviour.

Click here for the printable pattern.