Along came a Spider...

Spider pattern from Crochet World, October 1979

Yes, it’s yet another Crochet World pattern. But how could I resist this charming fellow? Just look into his large felt-and-glue eyes. His gaze is almost hypnotic in its intensity. I can’t... look away... I...

Yes, master?

You’re hungry? Of course, master, I’ll get the children to play close to your new web. Reeaally close.

For complete pattern (and more snark!):

CROCHETED BLACK SPIDER

That’s right, this spider’s BLACK!

By Jane Slovacheck

Don’t even think of making this spider any other colour, or Jane will mess you up!

MATERIALS: less than 1oz. black knitting worsted;

Or as Henry Ford would say, you can have your spider any colour you want, as long as it’s black. Well, he would have said, if he’d mass produced spiders instead of cars.

Four 12’’ chenille sticks, black preferred;

Technically I can’t stop you from making the legs another colour, but word will get around. And what Jane will do to you is nothing -- nothing! -- to what will happen when the giant BLACK spiders come for you.

Oh, and “chenille sticks” is just a classy way of saying “pipe cleaners”.

Tacky type craft glue; polyester stuffing; crochet hook side “E”; yarn needle; scraps of black and white felt.

Don’t sniff the tacky glue before you shop for your supplies, or you might buy pipes instead of pipe cleaners and then you’ll really be in trouble.

TOP BODY: Ch 2, work 6 sc in second ch from hook.

RND 2: * Sc in 1 sc, 2 sc in next sc, repeat (9).

RND 3: * Sc in each of 2 sc, 2 sc in next sc, repeat (12).

RND 4: Repeat last rnd (16).

RND 5: Even.

RND 6: Repeat rnd 2 (24).

RNDS 7 & 8: Even. End.

You know, Halloween seems to be all about putting children in peril. And I’m not talking about predatory spiders with chenille legs.

Just look at this darling little boy! His cruel parents have given him a giant, lit Jack-o-Lantern, knowing full well that he’s going to drop it, crushing his toes and splashing hot wax all over himself. I know we’re not supposed to coddle our kids, but risking permanent disfigurement may be taking tough love a tad too far.

TOP HEAD: Repeat body through rnd 3, then work 1 rnd even. End.

Sew head to body, sewing 5 sc of each together. Work 1 rnd sc around entire top of spider.

BOTTOM BODY: Ch 2, work 6 sc in second ch from hook.

RND 2: 2 sc in each sc.

RND 3: * Sc in 1 sc, 2 sc in next sc, repeat (18).

RND 4: * 2 sc in 1 sc, 1 sc in each of 2 sc, repeat (24).

RND 5: Even.

And this little girl is innocently trying to blow out a candle, not realizing that if she succeeds she’ll be forced to marry before the year is out. She’s only six! How can she possibly survive as a soccer mom? Her legs won’t be long enough to reach the gas pedal in her SUV!

BOTTOM HEAD: Work as bottom body through rnd 2. Sew head and body together same as top.

Cut 1 1/4’’ off each chenille stick. Wind tip with black yarn, bend tip over, wind yarn over top and down to end of chenille stick, bend tip over and wind yarn around again. Split yarn into 2 parts and tie; cut off ends.

Put legs in place; put bottom of spider in place; sew bottom to spider, adding stuffing as needed. Bend chenille sticks to look like legs. Glue eyes on. Hang spider from a piece of yarn, if desired, and use as a Halloween decoration.

Well, I’m not like those parents. I won’t risk my children’s safety with perilous pumpkins and party games. Nope, I’m just going to put the kids to work on the spider assembly line, and play some nice Halloween music for them. But none of that trashy, modern stuff. Because I know that good, old-fashioned music won’t contain anything that might poison their precious little minds.

 

Whoops.

Click here for the printable pattern.