At last the truth is revealed! Halloween isn’t about eating candy until you puke, or watching scary movies involving an excessive amount of projectile vomiting. Halloween is all about preserving your femininity.
So, there’s no better way to celebrate Halloween than to don a ladylike apron you made with your very own little ladylike hands. However, don’t confess your plans ahead of time to your husband, or he may try to persuade you to make a sexy French Maid apron instead! Men just don’t understand that only fallen women oppressed by the Patriarchy wear French Maid costumes.
Unlike the poor, downtrodden woman pictured above, you are no victim of depraved male fantasies. Your Halloween apron will celebrate radical feminism! It will proclaim a liberated woman’s inalienable right to choose … to spend Halloween in the kitchen!
Besides your new apron will come in real handy once the inevitable Halloween barfing begins.
For the complete pattern (and more snark!):
How to Make Aprons
Each apron requires 1 yard of organdy, 36 inches wide, and 1 spool of Coats and Clark’s Mercerized Sewing Thread, Art. C. 3, in a matching color. Aprons are made identically: Cut a piece of organdy 12 ½ x 36 inches and roll a ¼ inch hem around three sides. Slip stitch hem. Cut a piece of organdy 6 ½ x 15 ½ inches for waistband. Cut two pieces of organdy 6 x 36 inches for ties, roll and sew a ¼ inch hem around three sides. Gather top of apron to measure 15 inches. Fold waistband in half lengthwise, turn in ¼ inch hem on raw edges and sew across top of apron.
Gather raw ends of ties to measure 3 inches, insert in ends of waistband and sew in place.
I’m actually hopeless at sewing, so I won’t tell if you sneak off to Wall-Mart and buy a pre-made apron. Or if you’re low on cash, just mug a Wall-Mart greeter for their vest.
Wall-Mart vests make great Halloween costumes.
Just don't try this right after a snowstorm!Halloween Apron: Appliqué hats and 1 strip of felt ¼ x 4 ¼ inches for handle of broom. Use bugle beads for bristles and decorate hats with sequins.
Sadly, bugle beads are long tube-shaped beads, not Mardi Gras beads you get from flashing boogie woogie bugle boys.
This picture is provided just in case you don't know what a witch's hat looks like. You wouldn't want to accidentally applique top hats all over your apron instead.
I'm not sure what this apron means ("I cook with style"? "I killed Fred Astaire and served him for dinner"?), but I do know it definitely doesn't say, "Happy Halloween"!
Halloween Apron Edging . . . S-532
COATS & CLARK’S O>N>T> TATTING-CROCHET, Art. C. 21, Size 70: 3 balls of No. 12 Black.
Milwards Steel Crochet Hook No. 14.
Orange organdy apron.
Make a chain 6 inches longer than outer edge of apron. 1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, * ch 5, skip next 2 ch, sc in next ch. Repeat from * across until piece measures 4 inches longer than outer edge of apron, having number of loops divisible by 8 and 7 more at end of row.
Show your kids this pattern to prove they will have to use math in every day life.Ch 3, turn. 2nd row: * Draw loop on hook out to measure ¼ inch, thread over and draw loop through, insert hook between single and double loops and draw a loop through, thread over and draw through two loops on hook, (knot st made), sc in next loop. Repeat from * across, ending with sc in last loop, dc in last sc. Ch 3, turn. 3rd row: * (Make a knot st, sc under double loop of next knot st) 7 times; ch 3, make 9 dc under double loop of next knot st (shell made), ch 3, sc under double loop of next knot st. Repeat from * across, ending with sc in last knot st, dc in top of turning chain. Ch 3, turn. 4th row: * Make a knot st, ** sc in next knot st. Repeat from * across, ending with sc in knot st preceeding next shell; make a knot st, sc in center dc of shell, make a knot st, sc in next ch-3 loop, make a knot st. Repeat from ** across, ending with sc in last knot st, dc in top of turning chain. Ch 3, turn.
Better yet, have them make the apron for you. It's educational! And then no one will ever have to know that you can't divide correctly by eight.
The insistence on repeating from * or ** across leads me to believe there will be dire consequences if you attempt to repeat up-and-down.5th row: (Make a knot st, sc in next knot st) 3 times; * ch 3, make a shell in next knot st, ch 3, sc in next knot st, (make a knot st, sc in next knot st) 7 times. Repeat from * across, ending with sc in last knot st, dc in top of turning chain. Ch 3, turn. 6th row: Work as for 4th row. 7th row: Work as for 3rd row. 8th row: Work as for 4th row, ch 5 at end of row. 9th row: * Sc in next knot st, ch 5. Repeat from * across. Ch 1, turn. 10th row: Sl st in first loop, sc in same loop, * make 2 knot sts, sc in next loop. Repeat from * across. Ch 5, turn. 11th row: Sc in center of first knot st loop, * ch 5, sc in center of next knot st loop. Repeat from * across. Break off. Sew edging neatly in place, gathering 2 inches at each corner.
Of course, if you read this Halloween pattern backwards, you will discover the hidden satanic messages.
And naturally, there are also dire consequences to NOT sewing edging neatly!
Like… um… social stigma? That’s right! Just think of the horrible shame you will feel if you’re seen in public wearing a slovenly Halloween apron. Nothing could be more humiliating!
Oh dear.
Click here for the printable pattern.
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Oh my. I am flashing back to when my brother and I played Benjamin Franklin and the Statue of Liberty in a parade one July 4th. My arm still hurts.
ReplyDeleteDorothy, I bet that was hilarious to see! I still remember being a Roman soldier once in a play and wondering if it's still a sin to whip Jesus when he's being played by an obnoxious little boy. ;-)
ReplyDelete