Granny Square Wardrobe Malfunctions

Today’s Grannies halter pattern from Crochet With Squares, 1974

Make a big square, two small squares and presto... you’re square! I mean, you’ve got a halter. A square halter, fastened in place with two smaller squares.

But squares are sexy! Just like grannies are sexy.

Hmm...

Let’s just look at the pattern, shall we?

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

HALTER

SIZE: One size to fit Misses’ 8-16

“One size fits all” will be reasonably demure on a size 8. But on a size 16, with her breasts falling out the sides – wow. Still not convinced about the “sexy”, but who knew grannies could be so slutty?

MATERIALS: 4 ply Knitting Worsted, 2 or 4 oz. skeins
4 oz. Color 1 (Dark)
2 oz. each of colors 2 (Light)
3 Medium) and
4 (Light Medium)

(sic.) Or to put it more plainly – the random bracketing and confusing numbers are not my fault. I merely type what’s there. But isn’t it nice that you can pick your own Dark, Light, Medium and Light Medium Colours? For that Early Seventies retro appeal, I suggest Avocado, Harvest Gold, Commie Red, and Agent Orange.

F Aluminum or No. 5 Plastic Crochet Hook
1 – 3/4’’ button

A button? So on a size 8 gal, this “one size” will hang like the limp dishrag it so closely resembles, while on the size 16 gal, it will truly be a “potholder”. Or not, as there’s a good chance her button will pop and her pots will fall out all over the place.

GAUGE: 4 dc = 1 inch, 2 rows = 1 inch

Yeah, you’d better make sure you’ve got that gauge right. God knows, it’ll never fit otherwise.

LARGE SQUARE: (15’’ x 15’’)

RND 1: With Color 2, ch 4, sl st in 4th st from hook to form ring; ch 3, 2 dc in ring; * ch 3, 3 dc in ring; rep from * twice, end with ch 3; break off.

RND 2: Join Color 3 with sl st in ch 3 loop, ch 3, 4 dc in same ch 3 loop as sl st; 1 dc in each of next 3 dc, 5 dc in next ch 3 loop; rep from * around, end with 1 dc in each of last 3 dc, sl st in top of ch 3; break off.

RND 3: Join Color 4 with sl st in center dc of 5 dc corner group, ch 3, complete shell by working (2 dc, ch 3 and 3 dc) in same st as sl st, * ch 1, skip 3 dc, a group of 3 dc in next dc, ch 1, a corner shell of (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in center st of next corner group; rep from * around, end with ch 1, skip 3 dc, 3 dc in next dc, ch 1, sl st in top of ch 3; break off.

RND 4: Join Color 2 with sl st in ch 3 loop of a corner shell, ch 3, 4 dc in same loop as sl st; * (1 dc in each dc and in each ch 1 space) up to corner ch 3 loop, 5 dc in corner loop, rep from * around, join with sl st in top of ch 3; break off.

Don’t you just love changing colours every round?

RND 5: (LACY ROUND): Join Color 1 with sl st in center dc of corner group, ch 3, complete shell (same as in 3rd rnd), * (ch 1, skip 3 dc, a group of 3 dc in next dc) up to 3 dc before center st of next corner group, ch 1, a shell of (3 dc, ch 3 and 3 dc)...

Also known as “same as in 3rd rnd”!

...in center st; rep from * around, end with (ch 1, skip 3 dc, a 3 dc group in next dc) up to ch 3, ch 1, sl st in top of ch 3.

RND 6: (SOLID ROUND): With same Color, ch 3, 1 dc in each of next 2 dc; * 5 dc in corner ch 3 loop, (1 dc in each dc and ch 1 space) up to next corner loop; rep from * around, (1 dc in each dc and ch 1 space) up to ch 3, a sl st in top of ch 3; break off (there will be 8 more dc’s between corner 5-dc groups in this rnd than in previous solid rnd).

RND 7: With Color 2, rep Rnd 5 (there will be 2 more 3 dc groups between corner shells in this rnd than in previous lacy rnd).

RND 8: Repeat Rnd 6.

RNDS 9-14: Repeat last 2 rnds once each with Colors 3, 4, and 1.

RND 15: Ch 3, work (1 dc in each dc to center dc of corner group, 3 dc in center dc) around, end with sl st in top of ch 3.

RND 16: Repeat last round; break off.

Now hold up your finished square in front of your body. Imagine yourself wearing it. In public. Consider whether it might look better as a bath mat.

SMALL SQUARE: (4’’ x 4’’) Make 2.

RND 1: With Color 1, work same as Rnd 1 of Large Square; do not break off.

For the love of God, don’t break the yarn! You don’t know what could happen! Terrible, unspeakable things!

RND 2: Ch 3, 1 dc in each of next 2 dc, * 5 dc in ch 3 loop, 1 dc in each of next 3 dc; rep from * twice, 5 dc in ch 3 loop, a sl st in top of ch 3.

RNDS 3 AND 4: Repeat rnds 15 and 16 of Large Square, break off.

CORD: With Color 1, work 1 yd. length of chain sts, sl st in 2nd st from hook and in each ch st; break off; secure ends.

It’s important for ends to feel secure.

FINISHING: Turn top corner of Large Square 3 1/2’’ to wrongside (see A on Chart); stitch in place. Insert cord through opening. Place a small square on opposite 2 corners of large square (B and C on Chart) overlapping squares as much as necessary for desired size...

Aw shucks, looks like Granny’s not a slut after all. Unless that’s what she desires.

...stitch in place. Stitch button for closure to X on B Square (see Chart). Use space between dc’s on opposite C square for buttonhole.

Line if desired? Good God, I take back what I wrote. Granny really IS a slut! She’s flashing her nipples at the entire neighbourhood!

Click here for the printable pattern.