Your Flowerpots Are Naked, Too!

Flower Pot Covers pattern from Gallery of Crochet and Knitting, Star Book No. 89, 1952.

Now that you’ve covered up the shameful nudity of your salad servers, don’t allow yourself to lapse into self-satisfied complacency. I’ve just inspected your living room, and do you know what I saw?

Your plants lounging about in flower pots. . . without a stitch of clothing on them! That’s right, your flower pots are performing in their very own peep show on your end tables.

Now, it’s bad enough that flowers are the – ahem – privates of your flowering plant. You know, their private parts, their shameful members, their secret garden – Oh for heaven’s sakes, their genitals!

Suffice to say, you’ve already pushed the boundaries of good taste by letting these bawdy blossoms into your home. Must you compound your sin by allowing them to reside inside flower pots that are wearing nothing but their birthday suits? In front of your children?

No! You must teach these sex pot plants that your living room is NOT a nudist colony. It is your duty to bring civilization to the plant kingdom, one crocheted motif at a time.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):


Flower Pot Covers

Materials Required: AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “PURITAN” CROCHET COTTON, Article 40 or “DE LUXE” CROCHET COTTON, Article 346

In the 1950s, housewives had to shout or they’d be ignored by shopkeepers. Thankfully, women no longer have to shout to get customer service, except in computer stores.

1 ball White will make 8 motifs.

Steel crochet hook No. 7.

1 Flower Pot 6 inches in diameter.

Flower optional.

MOTIF:

Be sure to shout “MOTIF!” before starting each one. An alert family is a happy family.

Ch 7, join to form a ring, ch , d c in ring, *ch 2, d c in ring, repeat from * 5 times, ch 2, join in 3rd st of ch.

2nd row. Ch 1, s c in same space, * 2 s c in next mesh, ch 3, sl st in top of last s c for picot, s c in same mesh, s c in next d c, repeat from * all around ending row with 2 s c in next mesh, picot, s c in same mesh, join in 1st s c.

Maybe you’re supposed to pause in the middle of your single or double crochet and look up what mesh means and how to picot.

3rd row. Ch 7, 2 d c in 4th st from hook leaving last loop of each d c on hook, thread over and pull through all loops at one time, * tr c in center s c between next 2 picots, ch 5, tr c in same space, ch 4, 2 d c in 4th st from hook leaving last loop of each d c on hook, tread over and pull through all loops at one time (a rice st), d c in center s c between next 2 picots, work a rice st, repeat from * twice, tr c in center sc between next 2 picots, ch 5, tr c in same space, work a rice st, join in 3rd st of ch.

During the pause between the instructions to treble (AKA triple) and crochet, I wondered why this pattern assumes you’d know how to picot, but not how to do a rice stitch.

Was there a Secret Crochet Society in the 1950s? Did they teach you how to picot during the initiation ceremony? Were you then brainwashed into believing all of your housewares were shamefully naked?

4th row. Ch 7, d c in next tr c, * ch 3, 1 d c, ch 5, 1 d c in center st of next loop (corner), ch 3, d c in next tr c, ch 4, d c in next tr c, repeat from * twice, ch 3, 1 d c, ch 5, 1 d c in center st of next loop, ch 3, d c in next tr c, ch 4, join in 3rd st of ch.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the editor of this booklet was taught how to crochet by a drill sergeant.

“Attenshun! Double – WAIT FOR IT! – crochet!”

5th row. Ch 3, 3 d c in next loop, d c in next d c, *ch 2, d c in next d c, 4 d c, ch 5, 4 d c in next loop, d c in next d c (corner), ch 2, d c in next d c, 3 d c in next loop, d c in next d c, 3 d c in next loop, d c in next d c, repeat from * twice, ch 2, d c in next d c, 4 d c, ch 5, 4 d c in next loop, d c in next d c, ch 2, d c in next d c, 3 d c in next loop, join in 3rd st of ch.

Crocheting this pattern would make an excellent alternative to KP duty. By comparison, peeling hundreds of potatoes is a doddle.

6th row. Sl st to next st, ch 3, 1 d c in each of the next 3 d c, 2 d c in next loop, * ch 2, skip 2 d c, 1 d c in each of the next 3 d c, 3 d c, ch 5, 3 d c in corner loop, 1 d c in each of the next 3 d c, ch 2, skip 2 d c, 2 d c in next loop, 1 d c in each of the next 4 d c, ch 2, skip 1 d c, 1 d c in each of the next 4 d c, 2 d c in next loop, repeat from * twice, ch 2, skip 2 d c, 1 d c in each of the next 3 d c, 3 d c, ch 5, 3 d c in corner loop, 1 d c in each of the next 3 d c, ch 2, skip 2 d c, 2 d c in next loop, 1 d c in each of the next 4 d c, s d c in 3rd st of ch (s d c: thread over hook, insert in st, pull through, thread over and pull through all loops at one time).

Wow, this pattern sure has a steep learning curve. Next time, just put your naked flower pots in the master bedroom, away from prying eyes.

7th row. Ch 8, s c in next ch 2 loop, * * ch 8, skip 5 d c, s c in next d c, ch 3, 1 d c, ch 5, 1 d c in center st of corner loop, ch 3, s c in next d c, * ch 8, s c in next loop between the d c groups, repeat from * twice, repeat from ** twice, ch 8, skip 5 d c, s c in next d c, ch 3, 1 d c, ch 5, 1 d c in center st of corner loop, ch 3, s c in next d c, ch 8, sc in next loop, ch 8, sl st in s d c.

Naked flower pots might even inspire some frisky, bedroom action, if you know what I mean.

8th row. Ch. 1 and work 3 s c, ch 3 picot, 3 s c, ch 3 picot, 3 s c over each of the next 2 loops, * 2 s c, picot, 1 s c over next loop, 7 s c over corner loop, 2 s c, picot, 1 s c over next loop, 3 s c, picot, 3 s c, picot, 3 s c over each of the next 4 loops, repeat from * twice, 2 s c, picot, 1 s c over next loop, 7 s c over next loop, 2 s c, picot, 1 s c over next loop, 3 s c, picot, 3 s c, picot, 3 s c over each of the next 2 loops, join.

Handmade by Mother is not responsible if the sight of flower genitalia causes your significant other to turn into a sex maniac. Use with caution.

9th row. Sl st between next 2 picots, ch 9, s c in center st between next 2 picots. **ch 9, skip 2 picots, s c in space over the next d c of previous row, ch 5, skip 3 s c, 1 d c, ch 7, 1 d c, in next s c, ch 5, skip 3 s c, s c in space over next d c of previous row, * ch 9, s c in center s c between the 2 picots of next scallop, repeat from * 3 times, repeat from ** twice, ch 9, skip next 2 picots, s c in space over next d c at corner, ch 5, skip 3 s c, 1 d c, ch 7, 1 d c in next s c, ch 5, s c in space over next d c of corner. * ch 9, s c in center s c between picots of next scallop, repeat from * once, ch 9, join, cut thread.

At last, we’re done! Other than making three more of these MOTIFS!

If you want to make Violet trim you will need 1 ball Shaded Lavenders, “DE LUXE” or “PURITAN” and 2 yds. narrow Lavender ribbon.

Wait, what?

None of this was mentioned back in the materials required! It’s 1:30 in the morning, what am I supposed to do? The last time I shouted cotton thread brand names outside the yarn store in the middle of the night I got arrested.

VIOLET: With Shaded ch 2, 5 s c in 2nd st from hook, join in 1st s c.

I’m including this part of the instructions under protest. And I’m not going to include the Geranium or Philodendron variations.

Not because I’m lazy. Oh no, I firmly believe that it should be enough to know how to create plain, white MOTIFS to preserve the modesty of our flower pots. Anything more, such as the addition of ribbons and decorative flowers, will only encourage plants to backslide into wanton behaviour.

2nd round. * Ch 3, 2 dd c in same space, ch 3, sl st in same space, sl st in next s c, repeat from * twice, * ch 4, 2 tr c in same space, ch 4, sl st in same space, sl st in next s c, repeat from * once, cut thread.

Work as many Violets as desired and sew to cover arranging as illustrated.

Lace 4 motifs together with ribbon as illustrated.

Yep, as illustrated in the photograph above where you can barely see the ribbon, let alone tell how it laces all four motifs together. I suggest you just tie a whole bunch of bows and trust your luck.

However, be warned. Initiates of the Crochet Secret Society will know if you’ve done it wrong. And then they’ll never invite you to their naked and frenzied Picot Parties.

ETA: See how to do it right!

Click here for the printable pattern.