I suspect Tom’s a Dick, too.

Crocheted Afghan Tie from "Discover the Excitement of Hairpin Lace, Beginners and Advanced Designs", Book 17600, c. 1975

Now, I don’t like to diss the granny square. After all, I believe that the granny square can be sexy and sophisticated, even though I haven’t actually managed to prove it yet.

However, I must warn all you gals in the typing pool, Tom’s granny square tie portends nothing but trouble. Don’t be sucked in by its charming dorkiness and think to yourself, “V.D.’s overreacting. I bet his Granny crocheted it for him. Awww, isn’t Tom sweet for wearing the tie his Granny made.”

I am NOT overreacting!!!

Okay, maybe a little bit. However, that granny square tie means only one thing: Tom is Taken with a capital T. In the wild, men mark their territories with urine, but in the concrete jungle, women mark their men with granny squares. No free man would wear that tie to work, and drive away hot babes who might otherwise fall for his charming smile and good dental work. No, Tom’s wife, girlfriend, or heaven forbid, his mother forced him to wear this tie. And any woman powerful enough to make her man humiliate himself in public isn’t going to take any guff from the competition.

You know, the more I look at Tom and Harry, the more I suspect that they’re really Dicks in disguise. Let’s see, same foreheads, same chins, same beady yet vapid eyes. . . Dear God, they are all Dicks!

So, take it from V.D., who you know has been around, and heed the warnings of my Knitted Tie, Ascot and Granny Square Tie posts. Stay clear of these men!

Or, you know, just use them for a one night stand. Your choice.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

TOM Afghan Tie

Oh yeah, that’s sexy. Here honey, I made you an afghan tie. Rawr!

Materials required:

SUSAN BATES* or MARCIA LYNN* Crochet Hook D or 3

For all those dying to know, these asterisks refer to a tiny footnote reading: REG. TRADE MARK. It appears on every single page of this 24 page pattern booklet whenever SUSAN and MARCIA’s names appear.

Lightweight sport yarn – 2 oz. Main Color 1 oz. each Colors A & B

1/2 yd. lightweight lining material if desired.

GAUGE: Each motif measures 3 in. square. 6 sc=1 inch 6 rows=1 inch

You see, it’s not enough to just have REG. TRADE MARK on the introductory page. Oh, no!

MOTIF

With first color, chain 5, join with slip stitch to form ring.

ROUND 1: Ch 3 (to count as 1 dc throughout), work 2 dc in ring, ch 2 (for corner space), * work 3 dc in ring (shell made), ch 2, repeat from * twice, join in top of ch 3. Fasten off.

Each round is worked from the right side – DO NOT TURN.

Just like it’s necessary to CAPITALIZE INSTRUCTIONS TO ENSURE OBEDIENCE, it’s likewise necessary to continually remind people to resist the overwhelming temptation to misuse SUSAN and MARCIA’s names.

ROUND 2: With second color, make a loop on hook, sl st in any ch-2 space, ch 3, 2 dc in same space, ch 2 (for corner), work a shell in same space, ch 1, *work a shell, ch 2, a shell in next ch-2 space, ch 1, repeat from * twice; join in top of ch 3. Fasten off.

Just look at the tragic tale of MARCIA LYNN’s needles and hooks. One day, MARCIA let her guard down and forgot to include the REG. TRADE MARK on page 47 of a pattern booklet.

ROUND 3: With first color, make a loop on hook, sl st in any corner ch-2 space, ch 3, 2 dc in same space, ch 2 (for corner), work a shell in same space, ch 1, *skip next shell, work a shell in next space, ch 1, skip next shell, work a shell, ch 2, a shell in the next corner, ch 1, repeat from * around; join in top of ch 3. Fasten off.

Bam! Ruthless needle and hook pirates took advantage of that momentarily slip, and plastered MARCIA’S name all over their shoddy products. Her reputation was ruined, her stock plummeted, and a hostile takeover by her previous best friend SUSAN left MARCIA a broken woman.

Well, broken trademarked brand name. Same diff.

ROUND 4: With main color, make a loop on hook, sl st in any corner ch-2 space, ch 3, 2 dc in same space, ch 2, work a shell in same space, ch 1, *skip next shell, work a shell in next space, ch 1, skip next shell, work a shell in next space, ch 1, skip next shell, work a shell, ch 2, a shell in same corner space, ch 1, repeat from * twice, ch 1, shell in next space, ch 1, join in top of ch 3. Fasten off.

I admit it’s possible that I just made that whole story up. But sometimes you need to ignore the facts when your cause is just.

Make 4 motifs. Sew together to form strip, sewing through back loop only. Attach yarn just before corner on top edge, ch 1, work 1 sc in each st around strip, and 3 sc in each corner st. Join with a slip st. Ch 1, work a second row of sc around, stitch for stitch, and 3 sc in each corner st. Join with sl st. Fasten off.

So, take it from Victoria Dunn’s® Handmade by Mother© So You Damn Well Better Wear It™ blog (patent pending), don’t let your vigilance waver for a. . . oh look, a bird!

Join yarn at corner and work 19 sc across top edge of tie. Place marker at the end of row. This will bring work to opposite corner, ch 1, turn. The remainder of tie is worked back and forth in single crochet.

Next Row: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. Continue in this manner for 4 1/2 inches from marker.

Decrease Row: * Pick u a loop in first st, pick up a loop in second st, y o hook and pull through all 3 loops (1 decrease made). Work to last 2 sts and repeat the decrease, ch 1, turn. Work 1 row even.

Repeat last 2 rows 4 times (9 sts).

Work even on 9 sts until tie measures 52” or desired length.

Hey, Dick was a whole two inches longer!

Line if desired same as ascot, being sure to cut lining on the bias.

And don’t feed me that whole “size doesn’t matter” line. I’m Canadian, so I know better!

ETA: Tom's friends Dick and Harry.

Click here for the printable pattern.