Bob stared at the place setting before him. “What cockamamie thing is this?” he demanded.
“It’s a new placemat,” said Betty, serenely. “I just made it. Doesn’t it look exactly like cobblestones?”
“Who’d want to eat off a bunch of dirty old rocks?” asked Bob.
“Cobblestones,” corrected Betty, much less serenely. “It’s very British and it’ll give this rat hole a bit of class. Just like these lovely matching jackets I made for all our high ball glasses.”
“Hey, why in tarnation is my glass lying there like that? Is that how the British do it, too? Eat off rocks and leave their empty glasses rolling around on the table? Where’s my beer, woman?”
Betty, not for the first time that day, wished she had some real cobblestones to crack open Bob’s thick skull.
For the complete pattern (and more snark!):
Place Mat measures 16 inches from point to point . . . each motif measures 2 1/4 inches in diameter.
J&P COATS “KNIT-CRO-SHEEN,” Art. A.64: 3 balls of No. 76 Robinette; or
CLARK’S O.N.T MERCERIZED BEADSPREAD COTTON, Art. B.504, colors of your own choice.
So, if you use J&P Coats, then you must use Robinette AKA Blue. But if you use Clark’s, then the sky’s the limit. Pick any colour you like. Pick multiple colours! Go wild!Milwards Steel Crochet Hook No. 7.
Evidently, people who crochet with Clark’s are more free spirited than those who use J&P Coats’ thread.
Of course if you really want to authentically recreate the pattern, then you should pick a shade of Dismal Gray, identical to the one in the photo.42 bone rings, 1/2 inch in diameter.
That’s bone, not plastic. This will allow you to horrify your vegetarian friends at dinner by informing them that they’ve been eating off the cotton-swathed corpses of their furry friends.PLACE MAT – Motif (Makes 37) . . . 1st rnd: Make 18 sc in bone ring. Join to first sc. 2nd rnd: Sc in same place as sl st, * ch 3, skip 2 sc, sc in next sc. Repeat from * around. Join. 3rd rnd: Sl st in first loop, ch 5, 5 d tr in same loop, 6 d tr in each loop around. Join.
A “d tr” is a “double treble”, in which you wrap the yarn three times around the hook instead of twice like in a regular old – boring! – treble crochet.4th rnd: Sc in each d tr around. Join and break off.
All I want to know is where is my double double treble crochet? As a proud Canadian, I demand my patterns have double doubles!
Place 6 motifs around 1 motif for center, then place 12 motifs around for next rnd and 18 motifs for last rnd. Sew motifs neatly together.
As opposed to sewing them together haphazardly. Or messily. Apparently, you have to be reminded not to do a shoddy job after having spent every spare minute of the past month methodically wrapping thread around rings.Block to measurements.
GLASS JACKET – Bottom . . . Make 1 motif as before until 4 rnds have been completed. Next rnd: Sc in each sc around. Repeat last rnd until piece measures same as bottom of glass. Break off.
Side Piece . . . Make 3 or 4 motifs as needed and sew together. Sew to bottom.
And you’re done! Now you too can have a dinner table with all the grace and refinement of a London back alley. For extra authenticity be sure to lightly sprinkle with used needles and condoms before calling your guests to the dinner table. It’s the little touches that make all the difference!Click here for the printable pattern.