See Dick's dickish friend Harry.

Knitted Ascot Pattern from "Discover the Excitement of Hairpin Lace, Beginners and Advanced Designs", Book 17600, c. 1975

AKA Part II of Victoria Dunn’s Soon to be Published Guide, “Men at the Office to Avoid like a Swimsuit Made out of Phentex.”

Now, just because this guy isn’t actually named Dick, doesn’t mean he isn’t one. Thankfully, most gals will see Harry’s pipe and handmade ascot, and will run for the nearest fire exit.

Unfortunately, this ascot look is an aphrodisiac for a bookish gal. “But V.D.,” she’ll protest, “Harry writes me poetry. He’s literate, he’s working on the Great Canadian Novel, and he combs his hair with Old Spice Brilliantine. He’s my Edward Rochester, Heathcliff and Allen Ginsburg all rolled into one.”

No, no and no! Bad bookworm! No biscuit.

Harry ripped off all that lovey-dovey poetry from Shelley, his world-changing novel is in its 18th consecutive year of not getting past chapter two, and just because Harry’s a member of the Pomade Brigade doesn’t guarantee that he’s washed the hair underneath all that seductive, scented oil.

While it’s bad enough that Harry is a wannabe artiste, his hand knit ascot also reveals that Harry’s wannabe nouveau riche. And that means Harry’s still vieux poore. Not that I’m saying you should marry for money, but putting up with this pretentious, pomaded, poetry plagiarist would be unbearable without the ability to jet over to Monte Carlo for a weekend of gambling and adultery with a handsome spy.



For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

HARRY Ascot

Materials required: SUSAN BATES* or MARCIA LYNN*

For those who’ve lost sleep trying to figure out what those asterisks mean, I’ll reveal the mystery. . . in the next post. Mwahahahahahahaha!

Knitting Needles No. 4 – 10” lengths
Lightweight sport yarn – 2 oz.

I love how intensely this pattern book insists on the brand of needles, but as for lightweight yarn, it’s all “whatever floats your boat”. In the hairpin lace business, if you don’t pay, you don’t get to play.

1/2 yard lightweight lining material

Any more lightweight and this ascot’s going to float away.

GAUGE: 7 sts = 1 inch

By all means shout. After all, a hand knit ascot that’s a couple of stitches too small or big would look ridiculous.

Cast on 3 sts.

Row 1: K 1; in next st k, p, k; k 1 (5 sts)
Row 2: K2; in next st k, p, k; k 2 (7 sts)
Row 3: K3; y o, k1, y o, k 3.

Does anyone else find the capitalization of the first k and the use of semi-colons to be a tad pretentious?

Row 4 and all even rows: K 3, p to last 3 sts, k 3.
Row 5: K 3, y o, k 3, y o, k 3.

True, its only fitting considering this is a pretentious ascot.

Row 7: K 3, y o, k 5, y o, k 3.
Row 9 : K 3, y o, k 7, y o, k 3.

Not that I have anything against a nice ascot.

Row 11: K 3, y o, k 9, y o, k 3.
Row 13 : K 3, y o, k 11, y o, k 3.

But this one isn’t.

Row 15: K 3, y o, k 13, y o, k 3.
Row 17: K 3, y o, k 15, y o, k 3.

Nice, that is. Because, technically, I can’t deny that it’s an ascot.

Row 19: K 3, y o, k 17, y o, k 3.
Row 21: K 3, y o, k 19, y o, k 3.

Although, you could say that in the world of ascots, this one’s a lightweight.

Row 23: K 3, y o, k 21, y o, k 3.
Row 25: K 3, y o, k 23, y o, k 3.

Ba Dum Bum Ching!

Row 27: K 3, y o, k 25, y o, k 3.
Row 29: K 3, y o, k 27, y o, k 3 (35 sts).

Don’t make me install a laugh track, people.

Row 30: K 3, p to last 3 sts, k 3.

Row 30 is just a gentle reminder to keep on doing what you’ve been doing for all even rows since Row 4. If you were able to work independently, this level of supervision wouldn’t be necessary, now would it?

Row 31: Knit.

Repeat last 2 rows until piece measures 14 inches from beginning, ending with purl row (row 30).

Because if the pattern had said row 4, you’d be all, “That’s too far back to check!” The pattern designer and editor both know you’re lazy, so don’t even try denying it.

Decrease as follows:

Row 1: K 3, k 2 tog working through back of sts, k to last 5 sts, k 2 tog in front of sts, k 3.

Row 2: K 3, p to last 3 sts, k 3.

Row 3: Knit.

Row 4: K 3, p to last 3 sts, k 3.

Repeat last 4 rows until 11 sts remain. Work even on 11 sts for 6 inches. Bind off.

Hmm, something’s not quite right here.

Work a second piece as above. Sew bound-off edges together in center.

Hang on, they don’t trust us to be able to knit this ascot in one complete piece?!

LINING: Block ascot and pin to lining material on the bias. Cut lining 1/2 inch larger than ascot for seam allowance.

You know, I think they’re the ones who’re too lazy to provide instructions for a one piece ascot.

Turn under seam allowance and stitch to ascot.

Yeah, you heard me, nameless pattern designer and editor. You’re the lazy b—wait, the pattern’s done?

Well, that was kinda anti-climatic.

Then again, so’s this ascot.

ETA: Don't forget Dick and Tom.

Click here for the printable pattern.