Attack of the Tiny Purple People Eater!

Fringed Vest and Headband Pattern from Playground Capers, Pattern Book B3, c. 1975

Sure, she looks sweet and innocent, but that’s not a little girl, that’s a shape shifting alien. Every single one of those fringes is actually a tentacle. And she’s just waiting for a chance to grab you in her deadly acrylic embrace, and suck every ounce of life right out of you, just like the salt creature tried to do to Captain Kirk in The Man Trap.

You buying any of this?

No?

Fine, but if you do send your daughter to school in this outfit, it had better be because she’s trying out for the fifth grade production of Austin Powers: The Musical.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

FRINGED VEST and HEADBAND

MATERIALS: 3 – 2 oz balls BOUQUET 4 ply RADIANT SPUN Knitting Worsted.

Or any worsted weight acrylic you want. Don’t let the giant capitalized letters intimidate you.

SIZES: Small/Medium/Large

Fit chest up to: 24’’/28’’/32’’

TENSION per inch: 4 pat/3 1/2 pat/3 pat

Perfecto crochet hook: No. 4/No. 3/No. 2

To make: Starting at bottom edge ch 96.

Row 1: Make sc in 2nd ch from hook, ch 1 * skip 1 ch, sc in next ch, ch 1 – rep from * with sc in last ch. Ch 1, turn – 48 sc in row.

Row 2: * Skip first sc, sc over ch, ch 1, skip next sc, sc over ch, ch 1 – rep from * to end of row making last sc in edge of row – (48 sc) ch 1 and turn.

I'm guessing that “sc over ch” means “sc in ch 1 space”. Who needs clarity in patterns, anyway? It’s little puzzles like this that make crocheting so exciting!

Rep 2nd row 5 times more (7 rows in all).

RIGHT FRONT

Row 8: Keeping in pattern, work 11 sc, ch 1, turn.

Row 9: Work in pattern for 10 sc, omit ch 1 between 10th and 11th sc, making 11th sc in edge as usual, ch 1, turn.

Row 10: Skip first 2 sc and make sc in next ch sp. Work across row in pattern – 10 sc. Continue dec in this manner at edge until 4 sc left and 23 rows have been completed for front. Fasten off.

BACK

Skip 3 sc at underarm – work 16 rows in pattern for back on 22 sc. Fasten off.

LEFT FRONT

Skip 3 sc at underarm and work to correspond with right front. Fasten off. Sew shoulder seams.

To finish: Work sc around armholes, neck and front edges. Knot 3 – 24’’ strands doubles through each st along botton edge. Knot 3 – 8’’ strands doubled in each st of the 10th row from top across fronts and back. Make 36’’ ch of double yarn, and knot 2 strands doubled through each end for tassel. Lace up front.

I have to admit, this is a delightfully simple pattern. Sure, my kids would rather die than wear it to school, but as soon as the Global Warming Rebound Ice Age begins, I am totally crocheting these fringed vests up for everyone I know.

I figure human popsicles can’t afford to be picky.

HEADBAND

Ch 200.

Row 1: Make sc in 2nd ch from hook, * ch 1, skip 1 ch, sc in next ch – rep from * across row ending with sc in last ch, turn.

Row 2: Ch 1, skip 1st sc, 1 sc in ch space, * ch 1, skip sc, 1 sc in ch sp rep from * across row, making last sc in edge of work. Turn.

Hey, wait just one darn minute! Now the author is using “1 sc in ch space” instead of “sc over ch”? I’m willing to let a little inconsistency slide between one pattern and the next, but inside the same pattern? That’s too much!

Unless... “Sc over ch” actually meant “make a long sc in the row directly below the ch 1 sp”? Whoops. Well, if that’s what the designer intended, she should have said so! It’s totally not my fault for having you led you astray. Right?

Rep last row 3 times more or until work is desired width. Fasten off.

To finish: Cut yarn 18’’ long and knot 2 strands doubled at end of each row.

Either way, it’s not like making long stitches instead of ch 1 spaces would make this vest any warmer.

Yep, the Ice Age has arrived, and your children are freezing. But at least you can laugh at their purple fringes.

Humor is so important during times of crisis.

Click here for the printable pattern.