See Dick. Run, Jane, run!

Knitted Tie Pattern from "Discover the Excitement of Hairpin Lace, Beginners and Advanced Designs", Book 17600, c. 1975

Jane really thought this Dick would be different. His nebbish, self-effacing exterior made her believe that he’d be a Dick she’d want to have and to hold forever. Sure, he could be Dickish at times, cancelling dates to spend time with his mother. However, he promised Jane that after they wed, she’d have all the Dick she wanted.

Right after their wedding, she tried to buy him a new tie. Dick was horrified. He only wore ties hand knit by his mother. She tried to insist, but when it came to standing up to his mother, Dick ironically proved to be Dickless.

Ten years later, Jane was trapped in a loveless marriage with Dick, Dick’s Mother and a whole bunch of little Dickeys lying around the house. So, ladies, whatever you do, don’t marry a Dick. But if you do, don’t you dare come crying to me about Dick.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Materials required: SUSAN BATES* or MARCIA LYNN*

Now, Susan and Marcia, it’s important to share your Dicks with the other girls.

Double-pointed knitting needles No. 4, No. 6, and No. 8

Ooooh, Susan Bates or Marcia Lynn knitting needles. And who can forget the buttery-soft Susan who’s still making Dicks happy all around the world. Alas, Marcia, Marcia, Marcia’s knitting supplies proved far less popular, which only makes Jan happy.

Lightweight sport yarn 2 oz. main color, 1 oz. color A, 1 oz. color B

Gauge: Needles No. 4 – 7 sts = 1 inch, No. 6 – 6 sts = 1 inch, No. 8 – 5 sts = 1 inch

Does the pattern designer actually think that I’m going to make three swatches for a tie?

I don’t want to be a Dick about this, but I seriously doubt that when you present this tie to your man that he’s going to refuse to wear it because it’s not quite the right width.

Starting with No. 8 needles and main color, cast on 36 sts. Divide on 3 needles – DO NOT TWIST STITICHES – and work around in stripe pattern as follows:

Okay, now the pattern editor is being a Dick. I have the sudden urge to TWIST all of my STITCHES.

7 rows Main Color; 7 rows color A; 7 rows color B; 7 rows color A. Continue to work in stripe pattern as established (7 rows MC; 7 rows A; 7 rows B; 7 rows A)

Patronizing me isn’t helping.

Until 12 pattern stripes have been completed.

Change to No. 6 needles and work 5 more pattern stripes ending with MC. Remainder of tie will be worked in main color.

Decrease row: *k 2, k 2 tog, k 2, k 2 tog, k 2, k 2 tog, k 2, k 2 tog, k 2, repeat from *once more (28 sts).

Or *k 2, k 2 tog, repeat from * 3 times, k2, repeat from * 4 times, k2. Just sayin’.

Change to No. 4 needles and work until piece measures 54 inches, or desired length.

I will not make a comment. I am not 12 years old. I will not make a comment. I am not 12 years old. I will not make a comment about how 54 inches would be a desired length if you were a Walrus!

Apparently, I am 12 years old.

Steam lightly. Sew ends.

And voila, you now have the perfect gift for the Dick in your life! Use with caution.

ETA: More terrifying ties! Harry and Tom.

Click here for the printable pattern.