Be Ashamed. Be Very Ashamed.

Mantilla pattern from Gay Teen Ideas, Book No. 213, 1944

“Eye-eye appeal,” huh? I wonder if I have eye-eye appeal. Let’s see what “Gay Teen Ideas” has to say about that:

Here’s Looking at You...

Whatever nature dished out to you in the way of looks, once you’re old enough to think about them, you, and nobody but you, is responsible for the Result. You can start out with a pretty sweet chassis and end up, thanks to poor diet, no exercise and slovenly grooming, in the droopy dept. On the other hand you can begin with a skimpy beauty capital and...

With the assistance of a few sub-prime loans and a heck of a lot of plastic surgery...

...turn yourself into an honest-to-goodness self-made Cutie.

At least until the bottom falls out of the market and the breast implant bubble bursts.

Just don’t expect a fairy godmother to come around with a magic wand and do it for you. You’ll have to do it all by your sweet determined little self and what’s more, keep at it as regular as eating.

Except that you’ve given up eating, which has the dual benefit of saving money and making you more svelte. It’s a win-win!

Let’s start with that prize possession, P-O-I-S-E. It’s one part being sure of yourself and that comes from good grooming – omit pins in the hem, thank you, snow-white collar, shining, clean brushed hair, a lovely, clean, fragrant smell (deodorant dept. please note!). The other part is knowing how to stand and walk. Most people haven’t learned the simple art of holding their spines straight, and they develop torsos that look like the bumps.

That’s right. You know that girl in your class with an S-shaped spine and a back brace? It’s all her fault. She never bothered to learn how to hold her spine straight, or tried to develop P-O-I-S-E. Next time you see her, be sure to tell her.

Try this for size. Stand ten inches away from wall, knees slightly bent, arms at side. Lean back against wall and settle the small of your back smack against it. Now poo-osh the back of your neck against the wall, keeping chin in and down. Make sure there’s no daylight between the small of your back and wall. Now slowly raise your arms straight over your head to wall and bring ‘em back to your sides without budging that back. Repeat ten times, A.M. and P.M.

Just ignore your parents when they mutter about obsessive-compulsive behavior. They just don’t understand how important it is to be P-E-R-F-E-C-T.

Please remember that health equals beauty. Anyone can tell by looking at you if you’re a lots-of-green-salad, plenty-of-fruit-milk-and-eggs gal or the fancy-desert-and-candy type. If your waistline doesn’t give you away, your skin will.

Yes, everyone can tell just by looking at you. And everyone is looking at you. They’re all judging you, too!

Want to glow all over and make other people glow at the sight of you?

Become a vampire that sparkles in the daylight?

Want all the nice happy things of life to come your way naturally?

That’s right baby-doll, only pretty people get nice, happy things. So put that Geometry book down and start exercising right now!

Want to make it easy for people to like you?

Because God knows, it ain’t easy now.

Remember it doesn’t happen unless you make it happen. And remember it can happen!

And if it doesn’t happen, it’s because you haven’t tried hard enough.

What are you waiting for?

A hug?

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

After having read the exhortation above, you’re now in exactly the right frame of mind to crochet up something to hide your hideousness.

Materials: CHADWICK’S RED HEART WOOL FLOSS, (2 ply), 4 balls (1 oz. balls) of Baby Pink.

Bone Crochet Hook No. 8.

Starting at short end, make a chain 16 inches long. 1st row: In 7th ch from hook make 2 tr, ch 3 and 2 tr, * skip 5 ch, in next ch make 2 tr, ch 3 and 2 tr (a shell made). Repeat from * across until there are 10 shells in all, ending with skip 2 ch, tr in next ch. Ch 4, turn. Cut off remaining chain. 2nd row: * In nex ch-3 sp make 2 tr, ch 3 and 2 tr. Repeat from * across, ending with a tr in top of turning chain. Ch 4, turn. Repeat the 2nd row until piece measures 36 inches in all. Do not break off.

EDGING . . . Ch 4 and, working around all outer edges, make a shell in each st and in each sp. Join with a sl st in top st of ch-4. Break off.

Now go and press the small of your back against the wall, you hunchbacked creature, you!

Or you could just make your sweet, determined self a jelly roll instead. It’s included in “Gay Teen Ideas,” so you know it’s going to give you eye-eye appeal:

This is the ticket to any beaux’s heart. It’s a jelly roll-your-own and absolutely melts in your mouth. One egg white and 4 tablespoons of jelly – grape, currant or what have you – get whipped together with an egg-beater until stiff. With this spread 18 graham crackers. Form into a roll.

Good luck rolling those graham crackers!

Cover top and sides of roll with jelly fluff and pop into refrigerator. Leave severely alone for 5 hrs. To serve, cut crosswise.

P.S. All to the good – it’s not fattening!

And here I am, throwing myself out the window in despair after discovering that not only don’t graham crackers roll, but that I’ve also completely wrecked my diet by serving “non-fattening” jelly-rolls with scrambled eggs and chicken livers.

However, if you haven’t given up on your goal of becoming a self-made Cutie, here’s some more well-meaning, hectoring advice to live by!

Click here for the printable pattern.