Don’t Let Your Thanksgiving “HOT ROLLS” get “COLD”

“HOT ROLLS” COZY from Crochet Gifts and Bazaar Novelties, 1953.

As a Canadian, Thanksgiving is a distant, Tryptophan-laced memory, but for my American friends I present this elegant centerpiece for their table. That’s right, shove over the turkey and give the place of honour to this pink, plastic, carb cozy! After all, what could be more appetizing than reaching under a dollar store doll’s skirt for her hot, moist buns?

Plus, the random and unnecessary quotation marks around “HOT ROLLS” are an open invitation to save time and money this Thanksgiving! So go ahead and substitute rice cakes for the “HOT ROLLS”, Tofurky for the “TURKEY”, and why bring along a predictable pumpkin pie when a deeply discounted “CAKE WRECK” will do?

Wait, there’s more! Was your last Thanksgiving dullsville? Just follow the DOLL “HOT ROLLS” COZY’s patented process, and your family will be HOT ROFLOLing in no time! Just place the COZY in front of Uncle Bill after he’s had a few too many Thanksgiving tequilas. In seconds flat, he’ll be cracking jokes about the Pillsbury Dough Boy finally getting under someone’s skirt. Soon, he’ll be making off colour jokes about the COZY having a bun in the oven, and a tearful Aunt Dottie will be forced to remove all the breadsticks before Bill can permanently scar the children’s minds.

Just think, your “ROLLS” will be “HOT”, and family will never make you responsible for the Thanksgiving feast ever again. It’s a “WIN/WIN”!

Tequilas not included.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

 

Hey, where’s the doll, you ask?

Ah, this is a two part pattern, and during the 1950s, it was bad luck if the “Hot Rolls” and the Doll saw each other before their wedding day.

“HOT ROLLS” COZY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7117-A

MATERIALS — DMC Pearl Cotton, Art. 116D, Size 8: 6 balls Green Ombré No. 101

Pay no attention to the pattern designer behind the curtain. You don’t want Green Ombré. You want Pink Ombré.

or any other DMC Ombré color.

So long as it’s Pink.

Steel Crochet Hook, Size 7.

GAUGE: 5 Shell rows = 2 inches

* = STAR † = DAGGER Abbreviations, see page 23.

A dagger? Dare I hope this portends some danger and intrigue within my “Hot Rolls”?

Outer Circle—Ch 4, join (with slip st) into ring, ch 6, [1 tr, ch 2] in ring 8 times, join in 4th ch of ch-6 (9 sps).

Rnd 2—Ch 4, turn, [2 tr, ch 2, 3 tr] in joined st, * [Shell of 3 tr, ch 2, 3 tr] in next tr; rpt from STAR around, join (in top of ch-4).

That’s a bit bizarre. Why is it rpt from STAR instead of say, rpt from *?

Rnd 3— † Slip st to and including ch-2 sp of next Shell, ch 4, turn, [2 tr, ch 2, 3 tr] in same sp just used † , ch 1, * Shell in ch-2 sp of next Shell, ch 1; rpt from STAR around, join (9 shells).

Rnd 4—Rpt between DAGGERS of rnd 3, ch 2, 1 tr in next sp between Shells, ch 2, * Shell in ch-2 sp of next Shell, ch 2, 1 tr in next sp between Shells, ch 2; rpt from STAR around, join.

Okay, I’ve tried to be nice. I haven’t mentioned the pattern editor’s strange compulsion to capitalize Shell nor her square bracket fetish, but this is ridiculous. Rpt between DAGGERS? Rpt from STAR? Why did the editor even bother with the * or † symbols if she was just going to shout the words at us anyway?

Rnd 5—Rpt between DAGGERS of rnd 3, ch 2, 3 tr in next tr between Shells, ch 2, * Shell in ch-2 sp of next Shell, ch 2, 3 tr in next tr between Shells, ch 2; rpt from STAR around, join.

Did this high and mighty editor really think we’d get so discombobulated by two symbols in a pattern that we’d need ALL CAPS guidance?

Rnd 6—Rpt between DAGGERS of rnd 3, * 1 tr in next sp (mark this tr with thread for later use, see detail photo below), Shell in center tr of next 3-tr group, 1 tr in next sp (mark this tr with thread for later use), Shell in sp of next Shell; rpt from STAR around ending with 1 tr, join (18 marked tr).

Initially I typed “mark this tr with threat” instead of thread. Whichever works for you, go for it.

But where’s the detail photo, you ask? I’m sorry, you’re only in the Outer Circle, and the detail photo is reserved for initiates who’ve successfully crocheted through the Outer and Middle Circles, and managed to defeat the trained attack gorillas guarding the Inner Circle.

Trust me, by the time you get to the “Hot Rolls” Inner Circle, you’re going to want that whole bottle of rum.

Rnd 7—Rpt between DAGGERS of rnd 3, ch 3, * Shell in sp of next Shell, ch 3; rpt from STAR around, join (18 Shells).

Rnd 8—Rpt rnd 7. Rpt rnds 4, 5.

Rnds 11 to 16—Rpt between DAGGERS of rnd 3, ch 2, * 3 tr in center tr of next 3-tr group between Shells, ch 2, Shell in sp of next Shell, ch 2; rpt from STAR around, join.

Besides, if you really believe the detail photo’s going to help you, you’re clearly not a Handmade by Mother devotee. So, study all of this blog’s posts, complete one DIY, and burn at least one snowman at the stake. Then, and only then, we can talk about your initiation ceremony.

Rnd 17—Rpt between DAGGERS or rnd 3, ch 2, * Shell in center tr of next 3-tr group, ch 2, Shell in sp of next Shell, ch 2; rpt from STAR around, join (36 shells).

The “or rnd 3” typo has been lovingly reproduced here in order to recreate the full vintage experience. Feel the despair of the 1950s crocheter who realized that even the bossy pattern editor had abandoned her by round 17.

She’s alone. All alone. And her buns are rapidly cooling.

Rnd 18—Turn, 3 tr in sp of any Shell, ch 4, sc in 4th ch from hook (Picot made), ch 1, 3 more rt in same sp, ch 2, * [3 tr, Picot, ch 1, 3 tr] in sp of next Shell, ch 2; rpt from STAR around, join, fasten off.

Run a marking thread thru last 12 rnds of any spoke of Shells, see detail photo, repeat this marking thru every 6th spoke of Shells around (six marked spokes).

Okay, I’ll admit the detail photo is somewhat helpful here. You’re still going to have to wait for it though.

MIDDLE CIRCLE—Working from the same side as rnd 6, Shell in back loop of any marked tr of rnd 6 (leaving front loops free for later use), ch 3, * Shell in back loop of next marked tr, ch 3; rpt from STAR around, join in first tr (18 Shells).

I appreciate being informed that the front loops will be put to work later. There’s nothing I despise more than front loops lazing about while the back loops do all the work.

Rpt rnds 8 to 18 inclusive of Outer Circle. Sew Middle Circle to Outer Circle along all marked spokes, matching corresponding Shells (thus forming 6 triangular pockets), remove marking threads. Mark Middle Circle in same manner only mark along center spokes between former markings.

The detail photo might make this clearer, but the pattern booklet doesn’t include it until after the Inner Circle. I wish I could be more helpful, but I’m just following orders.

INNER CIRCLE—From same side as first rnd of Middle Circle, work a Shell in free front loop of any marked tr, ch 3, *Shell in front loop of next marked tr, ch 3; rpt from STAR around, join in first tr (18 Shells).

I like to think of the above as the “Hot Rolls” Cozy Nuremburg Defense.

Rpt rnds 8 to 18 inclusive of Outer Circle. Sew Inner Circle to Middle Circle along marked spokes (thus forming 6 more pockets between former pockets);

If more than twelve buns require cozying, you’ll have to make another “Hot Rolls” cozy. I’m sure that’s exactly what you’re in the mood to do right now.

to mark Inner Circle, mark every 6th Shell of last rnd only (marking center Shells between Inner Circle markings); tack the 6 marked Shells together at center.

At last, O Seeker of Knowledge, you have learned the mysteries of the Outer, Middle and Inner Sacred Circle, and are ready to behold the holy of holies, the detail photo for the “Hot Rolls” Cozy!

Yeeeah, that was so worth the wait.

But where’s the “Doll” in this “Hot Rolls” Cozy, you ask? Did you forget this was a two part pattern? That’s right, you’re only half way done!

Mwahahaha – hey, put that DAGGER down! And that throwing STAR!

Oh no, the Attack Gorillas got loose! AHHHHH!

Click here for the printable pattern.