How to Scientifically Raise Your Baby

Crib Sleeper pattern from The New Baby Book, 1947

My mother took one look at this photo and exclaimed, “What a wonderful idea! I really wish I’d had one of those when you were small.”

Horrified, I demanded to know why she felt I needed to be tied down in bed. Mom then claimed she’d only have used it to prevent me from scratching myself when I had chicken pox.

Considering that I was TWELVE when I caught the pox, I’m deeply suspicious of her true motives. I think the real reason has to do with the time I climbed out of my crib and shredded a down feather pillow. Or perhaps it was the time I escaped and overturned a dresser on myself. Or it’s possible she’s still holding a teensy grudge over that time when I was two and made a break for it down the main street of town...

... stark naked.

Personally, I think Mom should just be grateful that this incident occurred before the era of cell phone cameras, and stop fantasizing about the benefits of baby bondage.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Covered from every angle

TIE ‘EM IN AND KEEP ‘EM WARM

Is your spawn a budding escape artist? This pattern is guaranteed to foil even the cleverest lil’Houdini.

No. 5314 – Crib Sleeper

Materials Required: AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “DAWN” KNITTING WORSTED, ARTICLE W11

27 – 1 1/4 oz. Skeins White.
1 – 100 yd. Ball “STAR” Rayon Crochet, Art. 700 white.

4 1/2 yds. Blanket Binding. 4 yds. 1 inch Ribbon.

Bone Crochet Hook No. 6.

And when friends and relatives accuse you of child abuse, you can claim your only motive is to “keep ‘em warm”. Tropical rainforest warm!

FRONT. Ch 175, s c in 2nd st from hook, d c in next st of ch, * 1 s c in next st of ch, 1 d c in next st of ch, repeat from * across ch, ch 1, turn. (Work should measure about 42 inches.)

2nd Row. 1 s c in each d c and 1 d c in each s c, (pattern) ch 1, turn. (87 patterns) . Work even in pattern until work measures about 33 inches, break yarn. Skip 26 patterns, attach yarn in next st, ch 1 and work in pattern over the next 35 patterns, ch 1, turn and work even over the 35 patterns for 5 inches ending row with ch 29, turn. Do not break yarn.

Besides this pattern will absolutely prevent your child from accidentally rolling onto her belly and smothering herself. So this Creepy Crib Sleeper actually makes you a virtuous parent!

Next Row. Attach a strand of yarn at opposite side of row long enough to ch 28, break yarn.

Pick up the unbroken yarn and work 14 patterns on the ch 29 for sleeve, work 35 patterns across front and 14 patterns on the ch 28 for other sleeve, ch 1, turn and work even in pattern for 4 inches, (63 patterns.)

Virtuous in the modern era, that is. Despite a keen interest in scientific childrearing, parents in 1947 were not concerned about proper sleeping position. Or even with where their babies slept. In fact, a common parenting practice of the day was parking their little ankle biters outside without so much as a squirt of sunblock to protect them from deadly ultraviolet rays!

Why, at any moment, this child could spontaneously combust!

Next Row. Work 30 patterns, ch 1, turn. Next Row. Work 1 row even.

Next Row. Start decreasing for neck, work 29 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Work 15 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Work 14 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next 2 Rows. Work 6 patterns, break yarn.

Next Row. Skip 3 patterns at center for neck, attach yarn in next pattern and work across 30 patterns, then work 1 row even.

Next Row. Slip st over 1st pattern, ch 1, work 29 patterns, ch 1 turn.

Next Row. Slip st over 14 patterns, ch 1, work 15 patterns.

Next Row. Slip st over 1 pattern, ch 1, work 14 patterns.

Next Row. Slip st over 8 patterns, ch 1, work 6 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Work 6 patterns, break yarn.

What? You think I’m exaggerating? Check out this modern era quote from Your Baby Today:

“Even if you're convinced that your baby is properly dressed, suitably sunblocked, and safely parked in the shade, check him constantly for signs of overexposure. If any area of skin appears reddened or pinkish, bring your child inside. Call your pediatrician immediately if your baby is severely sunburned.”

Compare that to this passage from Infant Care, 1940:

“Slight reddening and tanning show that the baby is receiving benefit from the ultraviolet rays of the sun. Not all babies tan, even though exposed to the sun. It is well to give babies and young children sun baths for prevention of rickets and for other beneficial effects. A child needs sunlight most when he is growing fastest – in babyhood and in early childhood.”

So, am I supposed to lock my baby indoors if his skin gets the slightest bit pink, or leave him outside until he’s as red as a lobster?

Well, I know which child care approach would leave me more time to surf the interwebs!

BACK. Ch 71, work 35 patterns on ch. Work even in pattern for 5 inches ending row with ch 30, do not break yarn. Attach a strand of yarn at opposite end of row long enough to ch 30, break yarn.

Pick up unbroken yarn, turn and work 15 patterns on ch for sleeve; work 35 patterns across back and 15 patterns on ch 30 for other sleeve, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. 1 s c, 1 d c, in 1st dc of pattern, 1 s c, 1 d c in next s c of pattern, (an increase) work in pattern across row increasing 1 pattern in last pattern, then work 1 row even.

Next Row. Increase 1 pattern at beginning and end of row, then work 9 rows even.

Next Row. Slip st over 1 pattern (a decrease), work even omitting the last pattern, (a decrease) then work 1 row even.

Next Row. Decrease 1 pattern at beginning and end of row, then work 1 row even.

Next Row. Slip st over 15 patterns, ch 1 and work 15 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Slip st over 1 pattern, ch 1 and work 6 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Work 6 patterns even, break yarn.

Skip 5 patterns at center for neck, attach yarn in next st and work 15 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Slip st over 8 patterns, ch 1 and work 6 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Work 6 patterns, break yarn.

Not that I would ever neglect my children while feeding my internet addiction.

I totally noticed the time my fifteen month old daughter climbed up into the bathroom sink, turned on the taps, and then got stuck in the basin because her diaper soaked up all the water and was too heavy for her to get back out.

Eventually...

HAND SECTION. Ch 13, and work 6 patterns on ch, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Increase 1 pattern at end of row, then work 1 row even, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Increase 1 pattern at end of row, then work 9 rows even, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Work 7 patterns, (a decrease) ch 1, turn, and work 1 row even, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Work 6 patterns, then work 1 row even.

Work another hand section in same manner.

Besides, if this cartoon is any indication of the sun-fueled superpowers of a 1940’s baby, our grandparents were definitely onto something!

Although, Gabby makes a great case for tying your baby down before he sends all your neighbours to the hospital. In fact, you’d better get started on that crib sleeper before your Superbaby flies away!

Bind blanket section and bottom of back section with binding. Bind front, back of neck and straight edge of hand section with ribbon. Sew hand section in position on front of sleeper on right side having curved end extended beyond edge of sleeve. Sew sleeve, underarm and shoulder seams leaving 6 patterns free on each side of neck.

Attach 10 inch ties at neck openings.

Attach two 18 inch ties at each side about 1 1/2 inches down from sleeve.

With Star Rayon – embroider feather stitch at inner edge of blanket binding.

Of course, there are alternatives to pinning down your offspring like a rare butterfly.

 

Yes, it’s Baby in a Box! The very latest in modern home accessories, available in six designer colours. Call now, operators are standing by!

FEATHER STITCH. Thread is held under needle same as making buttonhole stitch. Take a short buttonhole stitch a little to the side of inner edge of binding. Take the next stitch a little towards the opposite side. Alternate, always keeping stitch on slant toward center.

If desired, binding may be omitted and sleeper finished with 3 rows of s c around blanket section and neck edges.

Baby John Gray’s Air Crib even has wheels, so you can conveniently wheel your tiny tot outside for his sunbath without ever having to actually touch the little darling.

Now, that’s scientific parenting for the H1N1 generation!

Click here for the printable pattern.