Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged!

Caps, booties and mittens from “Babies Are Such Fun to Dress” c. 1965

Before I became a mom, I used to shake my head at the way mothers dressed their babies. “Are they deliberately trying to scar their children for life,” I’d wonder.

But when my prophylactic headgear failed to prevent preg—I mean a visit from the stork, something unexpected happened. Suddenly, all that cutesy crap began to look adorable. I went from wincing at the sight of little lumberjack outfits with baby polar bears appliquéd on the front to squeeing like a pregnant girly man.

So, if moms in the 1960s wanted to bedeck their infants in Goldilocks’ Scalp and Dead Clown Caps, I’m in no position to judge them.

Because to this day, my son still hates plaid.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Lids for Kids

Rejected titles included Toppers for Toddlers and Fedoras for Fetuses.

1 year

Finally, a vintage pattern that’s honest about how long it’ll take to complete.

Materials Required:

AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY
“DAWN” KNITTING WORSTED
5 ounces White
1 ounce Amber for Pig Tail Cap
1/3 ounce Amber for Clown Face Cap or colors of your choice
1 button
1 1/2 yd. 1/4 inch ribbon
Aluminum crochet hook size H OR ANY SIZE HOOK WHICH WILL RESULT IN STITCH GAUGE BELOW.
5 inches x 3 inches Red Felt, 5 inches by 2 inches Black Felt, 2 inches x 2 inches Blue Felt
GAUGE: 7 sc = 2 inches, 4 rows = 1 inch

Shouted exhortations and bossy bolding aside, making sure you’ve got the correct gauge is a good idea. If you make these tacky togs too large, Junior might learn to walk and talk before they’ll fit. And by then he’ll be able to run away screaming when you ask him to wear them.

CLOWN CAP

Work 2 side sections same as 1st 8 rounds of Boy’s Cap on page 23.

Arrgh! I’m presently on page 16. You’d think they’d put the instructions EARLIER in the pattern book, not LATER. But no! That would be RATIONAL.

*deep breath*

Okay, here’s what page 23 says, slightly modified to fit this particular pattern:

BOY’S CAP

Ch 2, 6 sc in 2nd st from hook, do not join this or following rounds. Place a marker at beginning of each round. 2nd ROUND: 2 sc in each sc (12 sc). 3rd ROUND: * 2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in next sc, repeat from * all around. 4th ROUND: * 2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in each of the next 2 sc, repeat from * all around. Continue increasing in same manner, having 1 more st between increases in each round (for 8 rounds total).

And now back to page 16, where we’ll pretend that this pattern is not deliberately trying to drive us insane.

NEXT ROW: 1 sc in each of the next 32 sc, ch 1, turn. NEXT ROW: 1 sc in each sc. Repeat last row 6 times, cut yarn. With right side of work toward you attach yarn and crochet the 2 sections together with a row of sc; then work a row of sc all around Cap working 1 sc in each sc and 1 sc in each row at center section, join.

Although, as already stated, motherhood breeds its own special brand of madness.

NEXT ROW: Ch 2, dc in same space, * skip 1 sc, sc in next sc, ch 2, dc in same space (shell), repeat from * all around, join, cut yarn.

For it wasn’t just saccharine swaddling that caught my fancy. I became mesmerized by children’s television programming, too. I remember sitting in front of the TV with my six week old daughter saying, “See Big Bird? See? Wave to Big Bird!”

My daughter still has nightmares about her mother forcing her to wave at a big, blurry, yellow blob.

CHIN STRAP: Ch 3, sc in 2nd st from hook, sc in next st of ch, ch 1, turn. 2nd ROW: 1 sc in each sc, ch 1, turn. Repeat 2nds row 19 times or length desired. NEXT ROW: Sc in next sc, ch 1, sc in next sc, (Buttonhole), ch 1, turn. NEXT ROW: 1 sc in each sc, cut yarn. Sew one side of Chin Strap in position and sew Button to Cap.

And considering that I’m currently wearing a Mickey Mouse T-shirt, I’m pretty sure I haven’t completely recovered my reason.

FACE: Cut sections of felt as illustrated using Red for Mouth and Nose and Black for Eyes and Eyegrows.

Hee! They wrote “eyegrows”!

Wait, those are supposed to be eyebrows? Then what are those big, yellow caterpillars crawling across the clown’s forehead?

POMPON: Wind Amber 20 times around a 1 inch cardboard. Tie one end, cut other end and trim into shape. Tie 2 pompons over each Eye as illustrated. Complete other side to correspond.

Oh, they’re pompons. Because obviously all clowns have pompons glued to their foreheads.

But why does the clown have X’s where his eyes should be? Sure, I think clowns are creepy, but even I think it’s a bit harsh to teach kiddies that the only good clown is a dead clown.

BOOTIES

Ch 26 (to measure about 6 inches), join being careful not to twist ch, 1 sc in same space, 1 sc in each st of ch. Do not join this or following rounds. Place a marker at beginning of each round. Work even in sc until section measures 2 inches.

BEADING: Sc in next sc, ch 1, skip next sc, sc in next sc, repeat from * all around ending with ch 1, skip 1 sc, sl st in next sc.

Wait, “repeat from *”? Where’s the *?

Oh heck, just pick a spot and start repeating. You know that’s what your inner child wants you to do.

NEXT ROUND: Ch 1, sc in same space, * sc in ch 1 loop, sc in next sc, repeat from * all around (26 sts), join, cut yarn. NEXT ROW: Fold section in half, attach yarn in 10th st from center back for Instep, 1 sc in same space, 1 sc in each of the next 7 sc, ch 1, turn. NEXT ROW: 1 sc in each sc (8 sc), ch 1, turn. Repeat last row until Instep measures 2 inches ending on right side. NEXT ROW: Work 6 sc on side of Instep, 1 sc in each of the next 9 sc (center back). Work other side to correspond, do not turn. NEXT ROUND: 1 sc in each sc decreasing 3 sts evenly spaced around Toe. NEXT 2 ROUNDS: 1 sc in each sc. NEXT ROUND: Working in back loop of sts only work 1 sc in each sc. NEXT ROUND: 1 sc in each sc decreasing 3 sts evenly spaced at Toe and Heel. NEXT ROUND: 1 sc in each sc, join, cut yarn and seam center of sole. With right side of work toward you fold Bootie at ridge to from outside edge of Sole. Attach yarn in center stitch at back of heel and picking up entire st, work a row of sc all around ridge, join, cut yarn. Attach yarn in center st at back of Bootie and work 26 sc around top, join. NEXT ROUND: Work a row of shells same as Cap, join, cut yarn. Lace ribbon through Beading and work Face as illustrated. Work a pompon same as Cap and sew in position.

And now that you’ve finished making Dead Clown Booties for your baby boy, you can grab his tiny, flailing ankle and attempt to stuff his feet into them. For added entertainment, you can have your husband standing by with a stopwatch, timing exactly how long it will take your child to rip them off.

Personally, I think the Baby Booty Toss would be the perfect event to add to the upcoming Winter Olympics.

MITTENS

Ch 21, join being careful not to twist ch, ch 1, 1 sc in each st of ch, do not join this or following rounds. Place a marker at beginning of each round. NEXT ROUND: 1 sc in each sc. Repeat the last round until Mitten measures 3 inches from beginning. NEXT 3 ROUNDS: Decrease 4 sts evenly spaced in each round but not directly over decreases of previous round, cut yarn leaving an end, thread into needle and draw through remaining sts. BEADING: Attach yarn at opposite side of starting ch, ch 1, 1 sc in next st of ch, * ch 1, skip 1 st of ch sc in next st, repeat from * all around, join in 1st sc. NEXT ROUND: Ch 1, sc in same space, * 1 sc in next ch 1 space, 1 sc in next sc, repeat from * all around ending to correspond, join. NEXT ROUND: Work a row of shells same as Cap, join, cut yarn. Lace ribbon through Beading and work Face as illustrated. Trim with pompon same as Bootie.

The best thing about these mittens, assuming you can get them on the child, is that they have no thumbs. So, once they’re fastened snugly around the wrists, your baby can’t grab anything.

Yeah, these mittens have very little to do with keeping him warm, and everything to do with protecting Mommy’s few remaining shreds of sanity.

PIG TAIL CAP, MITTENS & BOOTIES

1 year

Work same as Clown Cap, Mittens and Booties, but embroider face for cap as illustrated using Blue felt for eyes, Red felt for mouth and nose and outline eyes and eyebrows with Black “STAR” Six Strand Mercerized Embroidery Cotton.

BRAID Cut 50 strands 16 inches long, tie in center. Divide in thirds and braid each side tightly. Tie each end with ribbon bows and trim evenly. Sew braid in position as illustrated. Cut 40 1 inch strands for bangs and sew in place. Complete other side of cap to correspond. BOOTIES AND MITTENS: Embroider a face as illustrated and finish with Pompom.

Pompom, pompon, it’s all the same choking hazard.

As for the golden locks, if your one year old daughter happens to be a brunette, or still bald as a cue ball, this Gentlemen and Mommies Prefer Blondes Bonnet should instill a proper sense of her own inadequacy. Thus ensuring by the time she’s a teenager, your darling will be prepared to sublimate all of her dangerous urges to park with boys into food and dancing.

But not to Rock and Roll! That’s the devil’s music.

Sigh... they grow up so fast!

Click here for the printable pattern.