...or you could make this one.
“I hate this hat,” Barbara said. “And I’m not wearing it to the wine and cheese party.”
“No, you must wear it,” Bernard protested. “The white brim symbolizes the sterility of narcissism while the goldenrod crown embodies the malaise that has gripped our nation.”
Not for the first time Barbara regretted marrying a philosophy professor. “It makes me look like Attila the Hun’s wife!”
“Bah! Attila’s wife wasn’t foxy enough to wear a hat that expresses the ennui of our very existence.”
Barbara sighed. So what if she hated her humdrum hat, her itchy acrylic sweater, and the chunky plastic jewelry that chafed her delicate wrists. These were the sacrifices you made to be the fashion icon of the fondue fad.
For the complete pattern (and more snark!):
ROLL BRIMMED HAT
Size: One Size Fits All
Which means it won’t fit me, because I have a ridiculously large head for a woman. And it won’t fit my daughter either, because at the ripe old age of thirteen she’s still in children’s hat sizes.Materials: Spinnerin Homespun: 1 A, 2 B. Boye aluminum crochet hook Size I or size to give gauge.
One size fits some.
Spinnerin Homespun has been discontinued, but back in the day it was a “big bulky” yarn that was 100 % virgin wool. But go ahead and substitute any other super bulky yarn, in any two colors you like. However, if you decide to be true to the spirit of the Seventies, you’ll want to choose Harvest Gold and Endangered Ivory.With A, ch 4, join with sl st to form ring. Work 10 sc in ring. Using a contrast strand of yarn, place yarn between first and last st worked to mark rnds. Rnd 2: Work 2 sc in each sc around (20 sc). Rnd 3: * Sc in next 2 sc, 2 sc next sc (1 sc inc), repeat from * 5 times, ending sc in last 2 sc (26 sc). Rnds 4 through 10: Inc 6 sc evenly spaced around, being sure not to have incs fall over incs of previous rnd (68 sc). Rnd 11: Sc in each sc around. Rnd 12: Inc 1 sc in round. Repeat last 2 rnds twice, then repeat rnd 11 once. Fasten off A; attach B. Rnds 18 and 19: Working on 71 sc, sc in each sc around, turn.
Personally, I find the easiest way to increase evenly without going over the previous incs, is to follow a pattern like this:Brim – Rnd 20: Work in sc, inc’ing 3 sc evenly spaced around. Rnd 21: Working on 74 sc, sc in each sc around. Rnd 22: Working in sc, inc 8 sc evenly spaced around. Rnd 23: Working in sc, inc 2 sc evenly spaced around. Rnds 24 and 25:Repeat Rnds 22 and 23.
Rnd 3: Sc in next 2 sc, inc, repeat around, ending with 2 sc (26)
Rnd 4: Sc in next 3 sc, inc, repeat around, ending with 2 sc (32)
Rnd 5: Sc in next 4 sc, inc, repeat around, ending with 2 sc (38)
And so forth. This will give you nice, neat incs, and when you look at your hat from the top you’ll just be able to perceive a pretty spiral pattern in the fabric.
But don’t make this hat if you won’t be able to love it. Otherwise you’ll end up looking like Barbara. Yes, her face did freeze that way.Rnds 26 through 29: Working on 94 sc, sc in each sc around. Rnd 30: Sc in next 2 sc, * draw up a lp in next 2 sc,, yo and through 3 lps on hook (1 sc dec), sc in next 11 sc, repeat from * 10 times, ending last repeat with sc in next 3 sc instead of 11 sc (83 sc). Rnd 31: Working in sc, dec 11 sts evenly spaced around (72 sc). Next Rnd: Work sl st in each sc around. Break and fasten off.
Although, Barbara’s expression of perpetual discontent didn’t harm her career as a fashion model in the slightest. In fact, it gave her an advantage over the competition, as her cheek muscles were already fixed in the industry-mandated pout.
This, by the way, is Anja Rubik. In a 2007 interview with Teen Vogue, she said that the number one lesson she took away from her experiences as a catwalk veteran was:
“Smile! ‘If you go around with a smile on your face, instead of being grumpy and scowling, everything gets easier. Not only that, but you make the people around you feel much better, and that creates a good sense of teamwork, like we're all in this together. Things are always better if you smile.’”
Here she is, with her mom and dad, smiling:
No really, that’s her happy face!
Click here for the printable pattern.