Your TV is going to catch a chill!

Chippendale pattern from "Television and Radio Scarfs", 1950.

Every winter, you bundle up against the cold, but what about your poor, neglected TV set?

Television parents your children, entertains your elders, and keeps hoodlums glued to the tube and off the streets. It tells you what to drink, what to think, and even what to buy to clean your kitchen sink. And how do you thank this Opiate of the Modern Masses? Why you force it to play the endless spinoffs of Law and Order all winter long -- scarfless!

You heartless monster!

In 1950, people treated their televisions with the proper amount of respect. Despite the horrors of the Korean War, the Cold War and only having 12 TV channels to watch, Americans didn’t make their 12 inch, black and white sets dance around the room to keep warm. As seen below, TVs in toasty warm scarves escorted their Radio beaus to rollicking square dances (chaperoned by the matronly chest of drawers, of course).

So, are you going to bring shame upon your family by allowing your Hi-Def, 1080p resolution, 52 inch flat screen TV to get frostbite?

I didn’t think so.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Chippendale No. 7807

Alas, this motif was inspired by the entirely work safe Thomas Chippendale, the 18th century furniture designer, and not by the far from work safe male strippers of Chippendales.

Scarfs, Chair Backs, Tablecloths, Bedspreads, Insertions using this motif may be made with any of the American Thread Company products listed below:

Although, if you want to make your sweetie a tear away thong out of this pattern, I won’t stop you. In fact, I’ll happily post the (work safe!) photos.

With Chartreuse ch 8, join to form a ring, ch 1 and work 12 s c in ring, join.

2nd Row—Ch 5, d c in next s c, *ch 2, d c in next s c, repeat from * 9 times, ch 2, join in 3rd st of ch.

In 1950, crocheters were encouraged to pause in the middle of each crochet stitch to relieve stress. Single (deep breath) crochet, double (deep breath) crochet. Doesn’t that feel better?

Of course, speed crocheters should avoid this practice as it would lead to hyperventilation.

3rd Row—Ch 1 and work 3 s c over each loop, join.

4th Row—* Ch 7, skip 4 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 5 s c, repeat from * all around, join in 1st d c, break thread.

5th Row—* 1 d c, 7 tr c, 1 d c over next loop, 1 s c in each of the next 5 s c, repeat from * all around, join in 1st d c, break thread.

In the 1950s, people respected their TV sets enough to wear their best clothes while viewing. In return, TV let them mock the homeless from the comfort of their own living rooms.

6th Row—Attach White in same space, ch 5, 1 d c in each of the next 8 sts with ch 2 between each d c, * ch 3, skip 2 s c, s c in next s c, ch 3, skip 2 s c, 1 d c in each of the next 9 sts with ch 2 between each d c, repeat from * twice, ch 3, skip 2 s c, s c in next sc, ch 3, join in 3rd st of ch.

7th Row—Ch 6, sl st in 3rd st from hook for picot, * ch 2, d c in next d c, ch 3, sl st in top of last d c for picot, repeat from * 7 times, ch 3, d c in next d c, ch 3, sl st in top of last d c for picot, repeat from 1st * all around ending row to correspond and joining last ch 3 in 3rd st of ch, break thread.

In 1950, proper etiquette was also paramount. These children, found guilty of sprawling disrespectfully in front of the TV, were tortured on wooden racks.

Work a 2nd motif in same manner joining it to 1st motif in last row as follows: ch 6, sl st in 3rd st from hook for picot, * ch 2, d c in next d c, picot, repeat from * 4 times, ch 2, d c in next d c, ch 1, sl st in corresponding picot of 1st motif, ch 1, sl st in top of d c to complete picot on 2nd motif, * ch 2, d c in next d c of 2nd motif, ch 1, sl st in next picot of of 1st motif, ch 1, complete picot, repeat from * once, ch 3, d c in the next d c of 2nd motif, ch 1, sl st in next picot of 1st motif, ch 1, complete picot, * ch 2, d c in next d c of 2nd motif, ch 1, sl st in next picot of 1st motif, ch 1, complete picot, repeat from * once, finish motif same as 1st motif. Join 3rd motif to 2nd motif leaving the 3 center picots free at corner between joinings. Join 4th motif to 3rd and 1st motifs in same manner.

Sure that’s a lot of work just to join a motif. But in 1950, Father had to work a month and a half just to buy a TV!

And if the family still couldn’t afford the $499.95, Mommy had to do a lot more than just kiss Santa Claus to seal the deal.

JOINING MOTIF: With Chartreuse work 1st row same as 1st row of large motif.

2nd Row—Ch 4, sl st in 1st free picot of any motif, ch 1, sl st in 3rd st of ch to complete picot, * ch 2, d c in next s c of small motif, ch 1, sl st in next free picot of same motif, ch 1, sl st in top of d c to complete picot, repeat from * once, ch 2, d c in next d c of small motif, ch 1, sl st in 1st free picot of next motif, ch 1, sl st in top of d c to complete picot, repeat from 1st * until all picots are joined, break thread.

Work as many motifs as desired joining in same manner.

With today’s large screen televisions, you better get busy at making those multiple motifs. Trust me, you don’t want your TV to be naked when TV-zilla comes to town.

Click here for the printable pattern.