Your Chair's Toes are Cold!

"Knitted" (AKA Crocheted) boots from Dec-O-Rex, 1970

Now that you’ve made yourself a hat, scarf and gloves, don’t forget your furniture! November is the beginning of boot wearing season for those of us in the Great, White North, and our chairs and couches are no exception. And unlike any teenagers of your acquaintance, who’d rather die of hypothermia than wear sensible footwear, your sofas and love seats will don these handmade mukluks without so much as a murmur of protest. I guarantee it!

Not only that, but these sunshiny yellow Phentex booties will help ward off Seasonal Affective Disorder better than a sunlamp.

And don’t think you can get away with unshod furniture just because you live in the Southern Hemisphere. These daisy garnished galoshes are the perfect springtime accessory for your patio furniture.

Hang on, they’re made of Phentex?

I take it all back, your furniture needs to stay barefoot and in the kitchen! Besides, it’s not like your chairs have any fingers or toes to lose to frostbite. Whereas, disturbing Phentex when it’s trying to hibernate makes it highly unlikely that you’ll finish this project with all of your digits intact.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Knitted Boots

Materials: A small quantity of Phentex (3 ply);

No, no, no! Do not fall for the corporate clap-trap that Phentex is perfectly safe as long as you’re only using small amounts. That’s what they used to say about DDT!

So, unless your exposure to Phentex is going to be limited to .000003 parts per million, you’d better wear a hazmat suit while knitting.

One No. 7 crochet hook (American Size No. 6).

Hang on, did they just ask for a CROCHET hook? I thought these were knitted boots!

With Phentex (3 ply) ch 3. Join with a sl st to form ring.

Bolding must mean handle with care.

Because surely the pattern editor doesn’t think you need to be reminded to use Phentex this soon. After all, it’s rude to point out that your short term memory loss is jeopardizing this entire project.

Which, I might add, is most definitely crocheted.

Rnd 1: – Ch 1, 8 sc in centre of ring.

The pattern editor’s precautionary measure of including both a colon and a dash clearly indicates that Phentex is a hazardous material. So, for safety’s sake, wash your hands before and after each round.

Rnd 2: – Ch 1, * 2 sc in next st, 1 sc in next st*. Rep from * to * on rnd. Fin. with a sl st.

Whereas the inconsistent use of periods after abbreviations and unsymmetrical spacing of the asterisks isn’t a warning, it’s a cry for help.

Rnd 3: – Ch 1, 1 sc in each st, of preceding rnd. Fin. with a sl st.

I’m so grateful that the “rnd” which requires my single crocheting is specified. Some people think that micro-managing denotes contempt for the handcrafter’s intellectual abilities, but I know it’s actually a sign that the pattern designer really cares about me.

Next Rnds: – Repeat rnd 3 (10 times) or desired length.

Next Rnd: – * 1 sc in next 3 sts, ch 3, (1 sl st, in st where the third sc was made)*. Rep from * to *. Fasten.

It’s just like how my comments denote how much I truly care about these pattern designers and editors. Remember, just because it’s a passive aggressive love, doesn’t mean that it’s not real.

Make 3 other identical pieces.

Or more, if necessary.

– With the aid of a darning needle, embroider flower on each boot.

That’s it? First, we’re micro-managed, and now all we get is a completely unnecessary dash followed by the vague instruction to embroider a flower?

 

Sure, it’s possible that whoever made these booties died before providing the details. But everyone knows the risks of approaching Phentex armed with nothing more than a darning needle! So, the pattern editor should have taken the precaution of filming the final steps for posterity.

I’m beginning to think that my love isn’t reciprocated after all. But then, if I’m guilty of loving too much, just lock me up and throw away the key.

No, wait! Don’t lock me in with the Phentex!

 

Click here for the printable pattern.