Happy Leper Day!

Leper Bandage from Quick Tricks, Book 188, 1968

Actually, today is when Hawaiians honour the heroic life of Father Damien, who vastly improved the lives of lepers banished to Molokai Island during the 1800s. Who cares about some 19th century leper priest, you ask? I’ll have you know that Saint Damien of Molokai’s fans include Robert Louis Stevenson, Mahatma Gandhi, and the people of Belgium who recently voted him De Grootste Belg AKA The Greatest Belgian!

Eep! Hang on, let me find a picture that makes him look less like a Cyberman from Doctor Who.

Ah, that’s better. I suspect Father Damien was also in the running for the cutest Belgian!

Now, I confess everything I know about leprosy, I learned from Stephen R. Donaldson’s whiny longsuffering leper protagonist Thomas Covenant and the heartbreaking scene in Ben Hur when John Candy discovers his mother and sister have become leopards lepers.

Thankfully, the editor of Quick Tricks decided to encourage the 1968 housewife to make something more useful than a clown to store mothballs (I kid you not). So, now I’ve learned that leprosy isn’t the highly communicable scourge that people feared for thousands of years. In fact, 95% of the world’s population is immune to leprosy and effective treatments for the disease have been available since 1982. Which means Thomas Covenant owes Lord Foul an apology for the events of White Gold Wielder – I mean, today is a day to celebrate the end of ignorance and a brighter future for those afflicted with the disease.

For the complete pattern (and more leprous commentary!):

Leper Bandage A-745

The approved bandage that church groups make to send to leper colonies.

Accept no substitutes!

CLARK’S ANCHOR CRONITA: 2 balls of No. 1 White.

Millard “Disc” Knit Needles 1 pair No. 12 (2.50mm.).

Cast on 25 sts.

1st row: Sl first st as if to purl, knit to end of row.

Repeat first row until only 1 yard of thread remains on second ball. Bind off.

Now, it’s true that leper colonies are mostly a thing of the past, but Father Damien is also the patron saint of AIDS and HIV patients and all other outcasts. Which means the endangered April Fish of Antwerp counts.

So, you’ve got plenty of time to knit or crochet up something for charity to mark Father Damien’s worldwide feast day on May 15th.

Just don’t make anyone a Mothball Clown, or Father Cyberman will make you pay!

Click here for the printable pattern.
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Your Daughter is Loopy!

Loop the Loop Hat from “Easy to Make Fashions for the North, South, East, West”, c. 1960

Is your teenage daughter doing nothing but lying around the house, iPod stuck in one ear, cell phone glued to the other? Are you sick and tired of having to spring clean around her, feeling like you’re nothing but a maid to her?

Despair no more! Your lazy bones daughter can be useful.

Simply crochet up one of these easy-as-pie hats, and use your teen as a dust mop!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Materials Required:
AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “DAWN” KNITTING WORSTED
4 ounces Wild Rose
1 ounce Med. Wild Rose or colors of your choice
Plastic crochet hook No. 4

SIDE SECTION: Chain (ch) 24, 1 single crochet (sc) in 2nd stitch (st) from hook, 1 sc in each remaining st of ch, ch 1, turn.

I’m disappointed that the pattern designer limited herself to just three abbreviations. Think of how much ink she could have saved if she’d written: Chain (ch) 24, 1 single crochet (sc) in 2nd stitch (st) from (fm) hook (hk), 1 sc in each (ea) remaining (rem) st of ch, ch 1, turn (tn).

Clearly, this woman does not love the environment the way I do!

2nd ROW: * Working in back loop of st only, 1 sc in next sc, working in front loop of st only, 1 sc in next sc, repeat from * across row, ch 1, turn. Repeat 2nd row until section measures 20 inches or head size required, cut yarn leaving an end. Thread into needle and sew seam, sewing 1st st in back loop of st, then 1 st in front loop of st across row, cut yarn.

Why, I bet she uses harsh chemical cleaners on her home instead of all natural water and vinegar.

CROWN: Ch 4 and work 11 double crochet (dc) in 1st st of ch, join in 4th st of ch. 2nd and 3rd ROUNDS: Ch 3 (counts as 1 dc), 1 dc in same space, 2 dc in each dc, join in 3rd st of ch. 4th ROUND: Ch 3, * 2 dc in next dc, 1 dc in next dc, repeat from * all around ending with 2 dc in last dc, join in 3rd st of ch, do not cut yarn. Pin Crown in position then crochet both sections together with a row of sc, join, ch 3 turn. 2nd ROUND: 2 dc in 1st sc, skip 2 sc, sc in next sc, * ch 3, 2 dc in same space, skip 2 sc, sc in next sc, repeat from * all around, join, cut yarn.

A word to the wise – when cleaning house, do not substitute cider vinegar for white vinegar. Your husband will wonder why everything smells like rotten apples.

And Red Wine Vinegar is no good either. That’ll get you a reputation as a lush.

BOWS: Cut remainder of Wild Rows and skein of Med. Wild Rose into 1 yard lengths. Fold in 3rds, insert hook through any part of side section, draw yarn through, and tie in a bow. Continue with bows until Side Section and Crown are covered mixing colors as illustrated.

Of course, if you go outside wearing one of these Loop the Loop hats, you’ll gain a reputation as a loopy dame. And your teenage daughter will refuse to be seen with you.

But don’t worry. At least one member of your family will provide moral support, no matter what you wear in public.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Something’s afoot, but it’s not fashion!

Stop and Go Shoe Socks and Hair Do’s from “Socks and Mittens for the Family”, 1941

Mother made her children stand in a line at the end of the kitchen, all of them wearing their new Stop and Go shoe-socks. “We’re going to play a game,” she announced cheerfully to her girls. “When I say ‘go’ you begin sliding your feet around on the floors until I call ‘stop’. It’ll be grand fun!”

The younger girls happily agreed, but the eldest, Petunia, was suspicious.

“Now, wait just one moment while I get the floor wax,” Mother added. “It’ll make you slide faster.”

“Hey!” exclaimed Petunia, suddenly realizing Mother’s diabolical plan. “This isn’t a game. This is Spring Cleaning!”

“Nonsense, Petunia,” said Mother, handing her eldest a pair of fluffy ‘Hair-Do’s’. “But if you’re not going to play our game, you have to wear these. Now, go stand in that cobwebby corner and shake your head at us. Vigorously. ”

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

STOP AND GO SOCKS

Sizes 8 ½ to 11

See Size Chart on Page 23

I’m not claiming that the very first time I tried to encode tables I crashed Blogger’s main server. I’m sure that was a coincidence. Nevertheless, it’s only prudent to put the Medium and Large sizes in brackets, rather than try to recreate the original formatting of this pattern.

Sizes: Small (Medium, Large)

With White, cast on loosely on No. 14 needles (dividing sts on 3 needles) 56 sts (60 sts, 64 sts).

Join, being careful not to twist. Work around in ribbing of k 1, p 1 for 2’’. Change to No. 11 needles and knit 1 rnd, decreasing 8 sts evenly around. Work in stockinette stitch (k each round) over these 48 sts (52 sts, 56 sts) until piece measures, in all 6 ½’’ (7’’, 7 ½’’).

With spare needle, knit from 1st needle 12 sts (13 sts, 14 sts).

Slip from 3rd needle onto other end of spare needle (for heel) 12 sts (13 sts, 14 sts).

Once upon a time, the only way to scrub a floor was on your knees, with a squalling infant tucked under one arm.

Divide between 2nd and 3rd needles (for instep) the remaining 24 sts (26 sts, 28 sts).

Turn and work over the heel sts only in stockinette stitch (p 1 row, k 1 row) for 2 ½’’. Bind off. Using only 1 needle, pick up along edge of heel 14 sts (15 sts, 16 sts). Place marker. Knit across instep sts; place another marker and pick up along other side of heel 14 sts (15 sts, 16 sts).

Dec. for instep as follows: 1st row: Purl back. 2nd row Knit to last 3 sts from 1st marker, then k 2 tog., k 1. Knit across instep to 2nd marker, then k 1, sl 1, k 1, p.s.s.o., knit to end. Repeat these 2 rows alternately until there remain 22 sts (24 sts, 26 sts).

Work straight until piece measures, from where sts were picked up at side of heel, 6 ½’’ (7 ½’’, 8 ½’’). Bind off loosely.

Then in 1941, came the technological breakthrough of Stop and Go Shoe Socks. Finally, harried housekeepers had a quick and easy way of buffing their floors to a brilliant shine.

Unfortunately, their popularity was short lived. In 1945, Astrid Lindgren published Pippi Longstocking, and by the end of the year everyone was strapping scrub brushes to their feet.

SOLE . . . With Scarlet and No. 11 needles cast on 20 sts (22 sts, 24 sts).

Measuring from last st on needle, mark off 5’’ of yarn. Double the yarn at this point and knot the doubled end, making a loop 1 ½’’ long. Measure off 5’’ from knot and make another loop the same way (knots will be about 3’’ apart). Continue to make knots and loops in the same way until about 20 loops are made. Cut through loops and work as follows: 1st row: Knit across, having all ends on one side of work. 2nd row: Knit until you reach a knot; then p 1 st, thus making the ends fall on the same side as previous ends. Repeat these 2 rows alternately, always making loops as before and working until piece measures, in all 8 ½’’ (9 ½’’, 10 ½’’). Bind off.

With Green, make corresponding sole.

Draw the word “STOP” on tissue paper, baste to sock and embroider with double strand of Scarlet in chain stitch. On other sick, place the word “GO” and embroider in Green. Sew sock to sole on all sides, having the Scarlet sole on “STOP” sock and the Green sole on “GO” sock.

Nowadays, all the cool kids are experimenting with Swiffering.

But can a Swiffer teach your children how to read while keeping your floors dust free? Does a Swiffer use clever embroidery to ensure your child knows that green means go and red means stop?

No! Swiffer wants your children to be illiterate, and get run over by a bus! So, it’s high time to STOP mocking this pattern, and GO make a pair of these practical, educational and fashionable shoe-socks.

HAIR ORNAMENTS:

Okay, so the Stop and Go shoe socks aren’t exactly stylish. Clearly, the solution is matching hair ornaments.

With Scarlet and No. 11 needles, cast on 20 sts. Work in loop stitch as for sole of sock for 3’’. Bind off. Make corresponding ornament with Green. Sew corners together on wrong side and fasten to hair with bobby pins.

That’s right, these aren’t wilted pompons or dead Tribbles. They’re Hair Ornaments. In fact, they’re called Hair Do’s, so you can be confident that these loopy dust catchers are a Fashion Do not a Fashion Don’t.

Although, they really didn’t catch on until the 1980s.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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It's a Dog's Life!

Ripple Coat and Dog Sweater from “Ripples, Knitted & Crocheted”, c. 1965

Barbara was a professional. She could cope with modeling a coat made from the itchiest wool imaginable. She could cope with sharing the spotlight with a spoiled rotten little dog. However, what really burned Barbara’s cookies was the fashion photographer’s bright idea to flip the ends of her hair up, so she looked just like the cutesy canine.

“Everyone knows dog owners resemble their dogs,” said the photographer. “Like the fat man with a bulldog, or the classy French dame with her poodle. Can you dig it?”

No, Barbara did not dig it. But Barbara was a professional. And she owed a month’s rent to her landlord and the only thing in her fridge was half a tub of yogurt.

So she plastered a smile on her face and thought, “They can make me sit next to it, but they can’t make me touch it!”

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

The Ripple Coat

SIZE: Small-Medium

Materials Required:
AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “DAWN” KNITTING WORSTED
16 ounces Antique Gold
12 ounces each Opal Blue and Sand

Yes, Antique Gold AKA Harvest Gold. A very popular colour in the sixties, as evidenced by this home decorating ad.

Matching her dress to her kitchen wallpaper was a hip trend for the happening housewife of the 1960s. And it was practical, too! When her husband and children come charging home demanding to be fed, she quickly freezes and becomes one with the wallpaper.

Eventually, their cries unanswered, hubby and the kiddies will wander off. Leaving the wily housewife alone to enjoy her poodle-swathed alcoholic beverages in peace.

2 ½ yds. lining material
Plastic Crochet Hook Size J OR ANY SIZE HOOK WHICH WILL RESULT IN STITCH GAUGE BELOW

GAUGE: 3 sts = 1 inch

Starting at neck edge with Opal Blue ch 160, s c in 2nd ch from hook, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts, * skip 2 sts, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts, 3 s c in next st, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts, repeat from * across ch ending to correspond, ch 1, turn. 2nd ROW: Working in back loop of sts throughout dec 1 st (to dec: insert hook in st, pull yarn through, insert hook in next st, pull yarn through, Y O and work off all loops at one time), s c in next s c, * 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, repeat from * across row ending to correspond dec 1 st at end of row, drop Opal Blue ((when changing color always complete last half of st with next color), attach Sand, ch 1, turn. Repeat 2nd row throughout working in following color scheme: next 2 rows Sand, next 2 rows Antique Gold and next 2 rows Opal Blue increasing in 1st row of each 4th stripe until there are 3 increase stripes. (Inc. Row: work in same manner but work 2 s c in s c before the center st of point, 3 s c in point and 2 s c in next s c after point). NEXT 6 ROWS: Work even. NEXT ROW: Start separation for Body Sections and Sleeves: Work in pattern inc over 1st 4 points (front), ch 15, skip next 4 points (sleeve), work inc. across next 7 points (back), ch 15, skip next 4 points (sleeve), work inc over last 4 points (front). NEXT ROW: Work even across all sts and chs (17 points). Continue even in pattern and color scheme for 30 inches or length desired from underarm, cut yarn.

I must confess that I’ve taken a significant liberty with these patterns. They were originally written as an indigestible block of text without so much as a single line break. For my own sanity, I’ve inserted the occasional double space.

SLEEVES: Working on opposite side of underarm ch, attach yarn and work in pattern across ch and free points (5 points). NEXT 4 ROWS: Work even in pattern and color scheme. NEXT ROW: With same color as last row work in pattern, cut yarn. Sew sleeve seams, with matching colors.

FRONT BORDER: With Antique Gold starting at lower edge of right front work 2 s c over each stripe to top of 1st point at neck edge, 2 s c in point, then 2 s c in each remaining point, work down other edge to correspond to opposite edge, cut yarn, do not turn. NEXT 2 ROWS: Working in back loop of sts work 1 s c in each s c in each row, cut yarn. Work in pattern across lower edge of coat, cut yarn.

Besides, without the occasional break, you could get confused and end up with a Front Border on your Sleeves!

Now, I don’t want to claim I’m saving you from a fate worse than death, but you know I am.

LINING: See page 29 – 2nd column.

Lining for Coat – shown on cover

LINING: Fold coat in half with fold to center back, then fold again with fold at underarm. Cut a paper pattern for back and half of sleeve allowing about 1 inch for seams and fullness. Cut pattern for front and other half of sleeve allowing about 2 inches for seams and fullness. Place pattern on material center back on fold. Cut pattern pieces from material and seam. Steam seams. Place lining in coat, allow to hang, then baste in place along front edge easing to coat. Slash at neck edge and underarm. Quilt to coat at 3 inch intervals in entire coat. Cut points along hemline and cuffs and stitch in place. Sew lining in position.

I call shenanigans! The coat on the cover clearly doesn’t have a lining.

No wonder Barbara looks so stiff and unlifelike. She’s frozen in place!

Oh yes, there will be a Dog Jibber. And no, that’s not a threat.

Okay, yes it is.

Ripple Dog Sweater

Size: 14 and 19 inch length from back of neck to tail.

Materials Required:
AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “DAWN” KNITTING WORSTED
2 ounces Sand, Opal Blue and Antique Gold
Plastic Crochet Hook Size J OR ANY SIZE HOOK WHICH WILL RESULT IN STITCH GAUGE BELOW

Gauge: 3 sts = 1 inch

Directions are given for a 14 inch length. 19 inch length given in parentheses.

If you thought the instructions for Babs’ coat were bad, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

With Opal Blue ch 48 (69). Work 1st 2 rows same as Coat in this page but join all rows and ch 1 to turn each row. NEXT 6 (8) ROWS: Repeat the 2nd row of coat following the same color scheme. 9th (11th) ROW: Same as inc row of coat. NEXT 4 (6) ROWS: Work even. 14th (18th) ROW: START LEG OPENINGS: With Opal Blue (Antique Gold) work across 1st 1 (2) points. There are 9 (18) sts, ch 1, turn. NEXT 1 (3) ROWS: Work even dec 1 st beg and end of row, cut yarn (side section), turn. Skip next 11 s c of last long row for leg opening, attach Opal Blue (Antique Gold) in next s c, s c in same space, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, * 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, repeat from * once (twice), 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, ch 1, turn. NEXT 1 (3) ROWS: Work in pattern across these sts dec 1 st at beg and end of each row (back section), cut yarn, turn. Skip next 11 sts of last long row, attach yarn in next s c, work side to correspond to 1st side, cut yarn, turn. 16th (22nd) ROW: Attach Sand (Sand) in 1st s c, working across all sections dec in 1st 2 sts of 1st section, then work across 1st section ending with 1 s c in each of the last 4 s c, ch 7, s c in 1st s c of back section, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, continue in pattern across back section ending with 1 s c in each of the last 4 sts, ch 7, s c in 1st st of other side section, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, 3 s c in next s c, continue in pattern across section dec in last 2 sts, ch 1, join, turn. NEXT 10 (14) ROWS: Working over ch in 1st row work in pattern following color scheme and joining each round. 27th (37th) ROW: Work even in pattern but do not join, ch 1, turn. NEXT 5 ROWS: Repeat last row. 33rd (43rd) ROW: Dec in 1st 2 sts, dec in next 2 sts, work in pattern across row ending to correspond, ch 1, turn. 34th (44th) ROW: Dec in 1st 2 sts, dec in next 2 sts, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, 3 s c in next s c, continue across row in pattern ending to correspond, ch 1, turn. 35th (45th) ROW: Dec in 1st 2 sts, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, continue across row in pattern ending to correspond, ch 1, turn. 36th (46th) ROW: Dec in 1st 2 sts, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, continue across row in pattern ending to correspond, ch 1, turn. 37th (47th) ROW: Dec in 1st 2 sts, dec in next 2 sts, s c in next s c, 3 s c in next s c, continue in pattern across row ending to correspond, cut yarn. With wrong side of work toward you attach Opal Blue (Antique Gold) at separation, sl st in each row, work in pattern across the s c, sl st in each row on opposite side, join, cut yarn.

Handmade by Mother accepts no responsibility for eye strain, double vision or seizures resulting from attempts to follow this pattern.

LEG SECTION FOR SMALL SIZE: Work as follows: with right side of work and center seam toward you and neck edge to top, attach Opal Blue in 1st Sand row of leg opening to right of seam, 2 s c in same space, 2 s c in next Opal Blue row, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, 3 s c in center st of point, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, skip next 2 s c, 3 s c over side of Blue row, 3 s c in Sand row (inc point), s c in next Sand row, 1 s c at base of next 2 sts, skip next 2 sts, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts, 2 s c in next st, join, ch 1 to turn each row. NEXT ROW: With Sand 2 s c in 1st s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, * skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, repeat from * once, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, 2 s c in next s c, ch 1, turn. Repeat last row once. NEXT ROW: 1 s c in each of the 1st 3 s c, * skip next 2 s c, sc in next s c, dec in next 2 s c, 3 s c in next s c, dec in next 2 s c, s c in next s c, repeat from * once, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 sts. NEXT ROW: 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, * skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts, 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts, repeat from * once, skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts. NEXT ROW: 2 s c in 1st s c, * skip next 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, repeat from * once, skip next 2 s c, 2 s c in next s c. NEXT ROW: Sl st loosely in each st, join, cut yarn. Work other leg but start at end of 1st row and work to beg of row. Work remainder of leg in same manner.

I’m impressed by how much more complicated the dog’s coat is compared to the woman’s. Clearly, people who love their dogs are willing to put far more work into them, than they are into themselves!

LEG SECTION FOR LARGE SIZE: With right side of work and center seam toward you and neck edge to top attach Antique Gold in 1st Sand row of leg opening to right of seam, 2 s c in same row, 2 s c in next row, 3 s c in next Opal Blue row (inc point), 2 s c in next row, s c in next s c, skip 1 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, 3 s c in center st of point, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, skip 1 s c, s c in next s c, 2 s c in next Opal Blue row, 3 s c in next row (inc point) , 2 s c in next row, s c in next row, 1 s c in base of the next 3 sts, 3 s c in next st, 1 s c in base of next 3 sts, join in 1st s c. NEXT 7 ROWS: Work in pattern. NEXT ROW: Sl st in each st, join, cut yarn. Work other leg in same manner but start at the end of 1st row and work to beg of row. Work remainder of leg in same manner.

COLLAR: (Both sizes) With wrong side of work toward you attach Antique Gold in joining at neck edge, 3 s c in same space, working on opposite side of starting ch, * 2 s c in next st, 1 s c in next st, ch 2, skip next st, s c in next s c, 2 s c in next st, 3 s c over next ch 2, repeat from * all around omitting the 3 s c group in last repeat, join, ch 1, turn. NEXT ROW: 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c, * skip next ch 2, 1 s c in each of the next 4 s c, 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 4 s c, repeat from * across row ending to correspond, join, cut yarn.

POMPONS: Make 1 of each color. Wind yarn 50 times over a ¾ inch cardboard. Tie one end, cut other end. Trim into shape. Tie tog and fasten to sweater as illustrated.

This would be a far more helpful instruction if there were any visible pompons on the dog’s sweater.

CORD: Take two 1 ½ yd. lengths of Opal Blue. Twist tightly, fold in half and let twist itself. Tie ends. Lace through holes of Sand row at neck edge.

Dog Jibber

Jibber is an appropriate name for this pointless bit of doggy frippery. According to the Random House dictionary, “to jib” means to “stop short and turn restively from side to side; balk.” Which is exactly what any sensible dog would do the moment you tried to tie one of these to his head.

With Opal Blue ch 20 and work same as Dog Sweater on page 2. Repeat 2nd row of coat 19 times. 21st ROW: * S c in center st of next point, repeat from * twice, sl st in end st, ch 1, turn. 22nd ROW: 1 s c in each st, ch 1, turn. 23rd ROW: Keeping loops on hook 1 s c in each s c, yarn over and work off all loops at one time, ch 1 to tighten st, cut yarn. With right side of 1st row toward you attach Opal Blue in 1st st at opposite end, s c in same space, * s c in next point, repeat from * once, s c in end st, ch 1, turn. Complete end in same manner as opposite end.

Also, please note that there are no actual photos of the dog wearing this jibber. I suspect that the poor wardrobe lady who tried to tie it onto him ended up in the emergency room.

No wonder Barbara wouldn’t lay a hand on this killer canine.

POMPON: Same as Dog sweater. Sew to jibber as illustrated.

TIES: (Make 2) Cut two 1 yd. lengths of Opal Blue. Work same as ties of Dog sweater. Attach to each end of jibber.

Now grab your camera and take a picture of your dog before she jibbers her way out of the jibber.

Instant fame on I Has a Hotdog awaits!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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There’s no such thing as too much Easter!

Tissue Topper Made with Aunt Lydia’s Heavy Rug Yarn, Leaflet #1118, c. 1965

Easter’s almost over, but how can you say goodbye to all those adorable baby chicks and bunnies? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have the joy of Easter in your home all year round?

Sure, you could purchase real baby chicks, but they’ll soon grow up. Next thing you know, you’re hiding illegal chickens in your backyard, and sticking your fingers in chicken parts that you never knew existed.

As for buying a real live bunny of your own -- what if you already have a pet? What if your pet tries to eat the bunny? Or worse, what if your pet engages in cross-species hanky panky and gives birth to a terrifying freak of nature?

Clearly, the only sensible way to enjoy Easter every day of the year is crochet up this Easter toilet paper topper. So, what are you waiting for?

Hop to it!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

TISSUE COVERS

Materials Required:
AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “AUNT LYDIA’S” HEAVY RUG YARN
1 – 70 yd. skein for each cover
Aluminum Crochet Hook Size J OR ANY SIZE HOOK WHICH WILL RESULT IN STITCH GAUGE BELOW
8 inch doll

Assuming you can find an eight inch doll. Dolls these days tend to be a super-sized fifteen or eighteen inches, or else hopelessly miniaturized.

Yes, that’s Marilyn Monroe dancing on the head of a pin. Which means Willard Wigan is the one person who can answer the question of how many angels fit on the head of a pin.

1 Roll Toilet Tissue

GAUGE: 5 sts = 2 inches

BASIC DRESS for all dolls.

BACK: Ch 8 to measure about 3 inches, 1 d c in 4th st from hook, 1 d c in each st of ch, ch 3 to turn all rows (ch 3 at beg of row counts as 1 d c). 2nd and 3rd ROWS: 1 d c in each st. 4th ROW: ch 2 more, skip 4 d c, s c in last st. 5th ROW: 1 d c in each st of ch 5. 6th and 7th ROWS: 1 d c in each st. 8th ROW: SKIRT: 2 d c in same space, 3 d c in each st, 3 d c in end ch (18 d c counting ch 3). 9th ROW: Working in back loop of sts only, 1 d c in each st. 10th ROW: Working in front loop of sts only, 1 d c in each st. These 2 rows form ridge pattern. Repeat last 2 rows twice, cut yarn.

Another benefit of the Bunny Tissue Topper is that she’s not edible. Because Mother always warned you that gnawing off those bunny ears would get you into trouble, young lady.

FRONT: With wrong side facing attach yarn in 1st dc and work skirt to correspond.

FINISHING: Place dress section over doll and sew seams to underarm. Place doll through tube of toilet tissue.

You now have a very basic toilet roll cover, but don’t stop here. It’s time to give it that special Easter sparkle!

BUNNY

1 skein White
Additional Materials:
Pink Felt
2 yds. – ¼ inch Pink Ribbon

Sparkle not included.

EARS: Ch 4, work 2 d c in 1st st of ch, ch 3, turn. 2nd ROW: 1 d c in same space, d c in next d c, 2 d c in last d c, ch 3, turn. 3rd ROW: 1 d c in each st, cut yarn. Cut Pink felt in shape of ear section. Sew in place. Attach to hat (same as Eskimo) as illustrated.

“Eskimo” may be acceptable in the United States, but the Canadian Inuit get rather cranky about being called “Eaters of Raw Meat”.

Probably because Canadians are pickier about what we consider to be food.

HAT: Ch 14 to measure 4 inches, 1 d c in 4th st from hook and in each remaining st of ch, ch 3, turn. Working in ridge pattern 1 d c in each st, cut yarn. Sew seam at back of hat. Trim as illustrated. Sew a three inch length of yarn at each side for ties.

I now return you to your regular patterning, already in progress.

TAIL POMPON: Wind yarn 20 times over 2 ½ inch cardboard, slip off cardboard, tie in center and cut both ends. Trim into shape.

FEET POMPONS: Wind yarn 15 times over a 1 ½ inch cardboard. Finish same as tail. Tie ribbon as illustrated around waistline.

Those are pompons on the front of her skirt? I thought they were spring flowers. And I’m a little disturbed by what the position of those “feet” says about the size of our doll’s rear end.

Now that you’re finally finished your toilet roll cover, don’t let her out of the bathroom. After all, it’s still Easter Rabbit hunting season.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Keeping Up with the Farmer Joneses

Hat and Bag No. 1798 from Fascinating Toppers, 1944

Today, Christians wear their extra special Sunday Best to celebrate the resurrection of their saviour. Jews also buy new outfits for Passover, and just about everyone in the Northern Hemisphere wants some au courant clothes to celebrate the return of spring.

Traditionally, the pièce de résistance of a new spring outfit is the Easter Bonnet. Or, if your budget is tight this year, it may be your only pièce. Therefore, it’s extra important that the unthinkable doesn’t happen.

Some strumpet wears the same hat as you!

To prevent this tragedy, I suggest that you eschew the usual flowers, bunnies and chicks of Easter haberdashery. Instead, consider drawing inspiration from the lesser known tradition of the Easter Cow.

Yes, this vintage cow hat is guaranteed to make you stand out from the common herd. And out of the milk of human kindness, I transcribed this pattern so you can udderly impress your neighbours.

No, no! Thank moo.

For the complete pattern (and more Easter snark!):

This little known masterpiece of late Impressionism is titled: Don’t Have a Cow, Ma’am.

No. 1798…

MATERIALS:

J. & P. COATS KNIT-CRO-SHEEN, 4 balls each of Black and White.
Bone Crochet Hook No. 6,
¾ yard of lining material.
Buttonmold.
20 inches of millinery wire.

Use 4 threads throughout.

Four shall be the number of threads thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be four. Five threads shalt thou not count, neither count thou three threads, excepting that thou then proceed to four.

Six is right out.

HAT

Starting at center, with White, ch 4. Join. 1st rnd: 10 sc in ring. 2nd rnd: 2 sc in each sc around. 3rd rnd: Sc in each sc around. 4th rnd: 2 sc in each sc around (40 sc). 5th, 6th and 7th rnds: Sc in each sc around. 8th rnd: * Sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around (60 sc). 9th, 10th and 11th rnds: Sc in each sc around. Overlap edges of wire so that it measures 6 inches in diameter and tie ends securely.

Be thou sure to only use holy hat wire, or thou shalt need a tetanus shot.

12th rnd: Holding wire over last rnd and working over it in order to conceal it, make sc in each sc around. 13th rnd: Still working over wire, make sc between each sc around. 14th to 20th rnds incl: Sc in each sc around. Sl st in last sc. Break off.

Nor shalt thou use high wire, lest thy name is Philippe Petit.

BACK TRIM . . . Starting at center, with Black, ch 4. Join. 1st rnd: 8 sc in ring. 2nd rnd: * 3 sc in next sc, sc in next sc. Repeat from * around. 3rd rnd: Sc in next sc, * 3 sc in next sc, sc in each sc to center sc of 3-sc group. Repeat from * around. 4th to 9th rnds incl: * Sc in each sc to center sc of 3-sc group, 3 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around. Sl st in last sc. Break off.

FRONT TRIM (Make 4) . . .

Note to pattern designer: First of all, just go ahead and call them ears instead of front trim. You’re not fooling anyone.

Same as Back Trim through the first 4 rnds. Sl st in next sc. Break off. Holding 2 pieces of the Front Trim together, sew through both thicknesses around two sides and one corner. Join other two pieces in a similar way. Sew one piece in place on each side of Hat. Sew Back Trim in place with center of trim on last rnd at center back of Hat.

Second, if you’re making four ears, don’t wimp out and tell us to sew two of them together. The two-headed calf look is in style this spring.

BAG

BAG PIECE . . . Starting at side edge, with White, ch 69. 1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. Ch 1, turn. 2nd row: Sc in each sc across. Ch 1, turn. Repeat the 2nd row until piece measures 12 inches in all. Fold the piece lengthwise and, working through both thicknesses, make a row of sc in each sc across, thus joining the side edge. Break off. Attach thread to opposite edge and join in a similar manner.

Yes, you will need the matching bag. If you wear your cow hat without it, you’ll look like a fool.

BOTTOM TRIM . . . Starting at center with Black, ch 4. Join. 1st rnd: 8 sc in ring. 2nd rnd: * 3 sc in next sc, sc in next sc. Repeat from * around. 3rd rnd: Sc in next sc, * 3 sc in next sc, sc in each sc to center sc of next 3-sc group. Repeat from * around. 4th to 18th rnds incl: * Sc in each sc to center sc of next 3-sc group, 3 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around. Sl st in last sc. Break off.

TOP TRIM . . . Same as Bottom Trim through the first 13 rnds. 14th rnd: Sc in each sc to center sc of next 3-sc group, 3 sc in next sc, sc in each sc to within 3 sc of center sc of next 3-sc group, ch 9, skip 7 sc (buttonhole made), * sc in each sc to center sc of next 3-sc group, 3 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around. 15th rnd: Sc in each sc to center sc of next 3-sc group, 3 sc in next sc, sc in each sc to ch-9, sc in each of the next 4 ch, * sc in each sc to center sc of next 3-sc group, 3 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around. 16th and 17th rnds: * Sc in each sc to center sc of next 3-sc group, 3 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around. Sl st in last sc. Break off.

Line each piece with lining material. Hold the center of Top Trim at center top of Bag and sew back of trim in place leaving front (buttonhole section) open for flap. Holding center of Bottom Trim to center bottom of Bag, sew Bottom Trim in place.

Button . . .

That’s right, you’re going to be making the button too. Store bought buttons are for wusses who wouldn’t be seen in public wearing a cow hat.

With Black, ch 4. Join. 1st rnd: 8 sc in ring. 2nd rnd: 2 sc in each sc around. 3rd rnd: Sc in each sc around. Place crocheted piece over buttonmold and work over mold.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, a buttonmold is “a small disk of wood, metal, etc., which is covered as with cloth or leather to form a button”.

However, stick to the Knit-Cro-Sheen for covering this particular buttonmold. Using leather for a cow purse is in questionable taste, and you wouldn’t want to be tacky now, would you?

4th rnd: Dec every other sc around—to dec 1 sc, work off 2 sc as 1 sc. 5th rnd: Dec each sc around. Repeat this rnd until 2 sc remain. Break off. Sew button opposite buttonhole.

At last, you’re ready to stampede over to the Easter Parade!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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Happy Good Friday?

Child’s “Bunny” Glass Jacket from New Quick Tricks, 1954

Okay, I get that it’s Good Friday because that’s the day Jesus died for everyone’s sins and Christians tend to consider this to be a good thing. But I can’t help thinking that any day when a Saviour gets brutally executed has got to be a bit of a downer.

Certainly, people have tried to cheer themselves up by re-imagining the Stations of the Cross, however such attempts remain controversial.

So, why not ensure that you have a good Good Friday by dressing up your highball glasses with bunny jackets, and getting your church social ladies snockered on the good stuff. Personally, I recommend the classic gin and tonic, as using either Passover or Mass wine might be considered in poor taste.

Click here for the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Child’s “Bunny” Glass Jacket S-610

Glass jackets contain no actual bunnies.

COATS & CLARK’S O.N.T. “SPEED-CROSHEEN” MERCERIZED COTTON, Art. C.44: 1 ball of No. 51 Spice. A few yards of No. 46-A Mid Rose and No. 131 Fudge Brown, Scraps of No. 1 White and No. 12 Black.

Scraps of wool for stuffing tail.

GAUGE: 5 sc make 1 inch; 5 rnds make 1 inch.

Now Victoria, you ask, how can you in good conscience recommend serving alcohol when these glass jackets are clearly labelled: Child’s “Bunny”?

BOTTOM … Starting at center with Spice, work as for No. S-608 until piece measures same as bottom of glass.

Instructions from Pink Glass Jacket S-608: Starting at center, ch 2. 1st rnd: 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook. 2nd rnd: 2 sc in each sc around. 3rd rnd: * 2 sc in next sc (1 sc increased), sc in next sc. Repeat from * around. Sc in each sc, increasing 6 sc evenly on each rnd until piece measures same as bottom of glass. Sl st in next sc.

First, my conscience is currently on vacation in the Barbados with British bad boys Simon Cowell and Hugh Grant.

SIDE PIECE … 1st rnd: Picking up back loop only, sc in each sc around. Repeat last rnd until Side Piece measures 2 inches in depth. Join with sl st. Break off.

Second, any child young enough to enjoy this Mercerized Cottontail Monstrosity won’t be able to hold onto the jacketed glass. Just imagine little fingers trying to wrap around the bunny’s head, and then giving up and bouncing the glass along the floor by its crocheted tail.

HEAD … Work as for Bottom until 4 rnds have been completed. Join and break off. Make another piece the same way and with wrong side facing, sew pieces together.

Besides do you really want your child drinking with a bunny?

EAR (Make 2) … Starting at center with Mid Rose, ch 6. 1st rnd: Make 2 sc in 2nd ch from hook, sc in each ch across, 3 sc in last ch; working along opposite side of starting chain, make sc in each ch across, sc in same place as first 2 sc were made, insert hook in first sc, draw a loop of Spice through last loop on hook, drop Mid Rose. 2nd rnd: With Spice make sc in same place as sl st, 2 sc in next sc, sc in next 4 sc, 3 sc in next sc, sc in next 4 sc, 2 sc in next sc. 3rd rnd: Sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc, sc in next 6 sc, in next sc make sc, half dc and sc (top of Ear); sc in next 6 sc, 2 sc in next sc. Join and break off. Make another piece the same way. Sew pieces together. Sew Ears in place.

Plus, your church social ladies deserve a bunny jacketed break from serving sandwiches and baking pies. After all, they’re performing vital roles in both reflecting and responding to society’s needs.

NECK… Make one piece as for Head. Fold piece in half. Sew around rounded end. Sew straight edge to glass jacket. Sew Head in place. Embroider eyes with Mid Rose and Black, nose with Brown and whiskers with White. Tack right ear in place on neck as illustrated.

And making sure everyone gets their proper slice of the pie, of course.

TAIL…Starting at center with Spice, ch 2. 1st rnd: 6 sc in 2nd from hook. 2nd and 3rd rnds: 2 sc in each sc around. 4th rnd: Sc in each sc around. 5th rnd: * Dec 1 sc – to dec 1 sc, work off 2 sc as 1 sc – sc in next sc. Repeat from * around. 6th rnd: * Work off 2 sc as 1 sc. Repeat from * around. Stuff tail firmly. Sew up opening. Sew in place.

So Church Ladies, kick back, relax and enjoy your Good Friday!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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