Loop de Loop!

Jacket with Poodle Loop Fur Front from Brunswick Coat Designs, 1969

So far, PoodleFest 2010 has shown you how to poodle-up your home and your children, but what about you? Isn’t it about time you nurtured your inner poodle?

Bonny knit up a Poodle Loop Fur Front jacket, and now she’s strutting around town like a poodle on steroids! True, her loopy swagger might land Bonny on her butt at any moment. However, she’ll just pretend it was on purpose, and invite her boyfriend Bobby to rub her loopy poodle belly!

Now, Handmade by Mother recommends you get a ring on your finger before engaging in any one-on-one private poodling. Remember, there’s always the risk of a little poodle appearing nine months later, especially if you’re using Miss Spray-Poo as a substitute for a French Tickler.

But even if you’re not foolishly relying on pompom poodle protection, a gal still deserves at least a dinner and a movie in exchange for a night of sensual poodle looping. After all, it’s gonna take poor Bonny several hours to pick Bobby’s chest hair out of her jacket’s furry front.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Jacket with poodle loop fur front, style no. 6940
Sizes with Blocked Bust Measurements: 12 (36”), 14 (38”), 16 (40”), 18 (42”)

Hurray for sane sizes in a woman’s jacket! Even though Twiggy the twig-like supermodel was all the rage in the late 60s, Brunswick Worsted Mills obviously liked women to have some meat on their bones.

Materials: Brunswick Germantown Knitting Worsted (4 oz sks) No. 476 Straw Heather 4 (4, 5, 5)

I can’t imagine anyone would ever think, “Hey, Straw Heather AKA Sickly Sage Green would be a great colour for a poodle!”

I stand corrected. This poodle’s pigment is Time Out Thyme.

Knitting needles No. 4 and 8. 22” separating zipper.
Gauge: 5 sts = 1”.

As a non-sewer, I blissfully believed that all zippers were separating ones. I now live with the terrifying knowledge that there are separating, general purpose, invisible, reversible, close-ended, open-ended, and the sounds-dirty-but-isn’t two-way baggage zippers.

Why terrifying? Clearly, you’ve never encountered the innocuously named yet chillingly comprehensive Coats & Clarks Zipper Advisory Chart.

back:
With No. 4 needles cast on 84 (88, 92, 96) sts and work in k 1, p 1 ribbing for 3 ½”. Change to No. 8 needles and work in stockinette st until piece measures 13” or desired length to underarm.

Shape Armhole: Bind off 3 sts at beg next 2 rows, then dec 1 st each side every other row, 8 times, then every 4th row, 4 times, then every 6th row once – 52 (56, 60, 64). Work even on sts until armhole measures 6 ½ (6 ¾, 7, 7 ¼) inches.

Shape Shoulder: At the beg next 4 rows bind off 5 (5, 5, 6) sts and at the beg next 2 rows bind off 5 (6, 7, 7) sts. Put rem 22 (24, 26, 26) sts on holder for back of neck.

The back of this poodle jacket seems to lack a certain poodle pizzazz.

Wait, I know what it needs – a poodle scarf!

front:
With No. 4 needle cast on 42 (44, 46, 48) sts and work in k 1, p 1 ribbing for 3 ½”. Change to No. 8 needles and work in stockinette st until piece measures 13” or desired length to underarm.

Shape Armhole: Bind off 3 sts at beg next arm edge row, then dec 1 st at beg every other arm edge row, 8 times, then every 4th row 4 times, then every 6th row, once 26 (28, 30, 32) sts rem.

Shape Neck: Bind off 8 (9, 9, 9) sts, then dec 1 st every other row 3 (3, 4, 4) times. At the same time when armhole measures 6 ½ (6 ¾, 7, 7 ¼) inches shape Shoulder: At arm edge bind off 5 (5, 5, 6) sts twice and 5 (6, 7, 7) sts once.

Ahhh!

My mother warned me that drinking booze would put hair on my chest. But I never thought it would turn me into Tom Selleck!

Mmmm...Tom Selleck.

sleeves:
With No. 4 needle cast on 38 (40, 42, 44) sts and work k1, p 1 ribbing for 6”. Change to No. 8 needles and work in stockinette st, inc’ing 1 st each side every 4th row until there are 68 (70, 72, 74) sts. Work even until sleeve measures 17 (17 ½, 17 ½, 18) inches or desired length to underarm.

Shape Cap and Saddle:
Bind off 3 sts at beg next 2 rows. Dec 1 st each side every row, 4 times, then every other row 11 (12, 13, 14) times then every 4th row, 1 time 30 (30, 30, 30) sts rem. Work until same length as back armhole. Mark each end of last row. Dec 1 st each side every 4th row, 3 times, then every other row, 4 times. Work on 16 sts to same length as bound off edges of shoulder, from mark. Place rem sts on holder.

Warning: don’t wear a poodle fur front jacket during hunting season. Or like poor Bonny, you’ll get mistaken for a loopy deer.

finishing and neckband:

Sew sleeves and underarm seams. Sew sleeves and saddle in place.

With No. 4 needle pick up and knit 12 (12, 13, 14) sts along front of neck, pick up and knit the 16 sts of sleeve, pick up and knit the 22 (24, 26, 26) sts of back, 16 sts of other sleeve and 12 (12, 13, 14) sts on other front 78 (80, 84, 86) sts.

Change to No. 8 needles and work k 1, p 1 ribbing for 3”. Change to No. 4 needles and work k1, p 1 ribbing for 2 more inches. Bind off in ribbing pattern. Sew 22” zipper under front edges.

Thread yarn into a large needle, double and tie knot in end. Loops are worked by inserting needle from underneath to start.

This is why your Mother told you to read the entire pattern before committing to a project. Otherwise, when you discover you have to hand sew all those hundreds of loops, you’ll just give up! And then all you’ll have to show for your hours of knitting is … a nice, light green sweater.

Okay, that wasn’t the moral I was expecting.

Insert needle down and up again making a short st, draw thread through leaving a ½” loop, move over about ¼” and take another short st leaving loop as before. Make 4 or 5 loops, then anchor by drawing thread all the way down tight instead of leaving a loop. Now begin loops again in same place.

Cover entire sweater front with these loops anchored every 4 or 5 loops. Steam press sweater.

Yes, it’s fun to dress up the kiddies as poodles, especially if you’re using the outfits as a creative alternative to time-out punishments. Also, it’s okay if your teenage daughter (or son) wants to attend the sock-hop in a poodle skirt. But I’m seriously questioning the wisdom of embracing the poodle look when you’re over the age of twenty-one.

Maybe… just maybe not everyone has an inner poodle. But how can that be? I’ve always believed that deep down everyone want to be a poodle!

Say it ain’t so, Fifi.

Click here for the printable pattern.


Read more!

PoodleFest 2010: After Hours

Poodle Cardigan or Slipover for Girls from KNIT O GRAF, 1954

Are you over 18 years old? Are any children in your household at school or safely tucked away in bed?

Good. Because no responsible parent would want a child exposed to the utter depravity of this poodle sweater. True, your sons and daughters will eventually learn from the internet that poodles attend fetish clubs. However, there’s no need to flaunt the scandalous night life of Mr. and Mrs. Fluffy-Poo in front of pre-adolescents.

But V.D., you protest, the pattern clearly states that this sweater is for young girls, not teens or adults!

Yes, this sleazy sweater was designed for girls sized 4 to 10, but children were expected to grow up fast back in the 1950s. After facing the horrors of the H-bomb, polio outbreaks, and the invention of the TV dinner, these kids were much more blasé about BDSM poodles. But our own coddled children can’t handle the titillating truth!

This design also wasn’t as shocking in the 1950s. The poodle patriarchy was firmly entrenched back then, and the male poodle was the unquestioned dominant partner in any kinky canine caper. Now, of course, all we care about is whether both poodles are consenting adults. But won’t someone think of the children!

There’s only one wholesome use I can foresee for this perverted poodle pattern. When you’ve decided it’s time to destroy the last of your little girl’s innocence, this poodle sweater is the perfect icebreaker before you have ‘The Talk’.

Oh, you know what ‘Talk’ I’m talking about. The “sometimes when two poodles get married, they get bored with each other, and begin experimenting with kinky S&M sex in a desperate attempt to keep their love alive” Talk.

For not quite the entire pattern (but definitely more snark):

MATERIAL REQUIREMENTS
3 PLY FINGERING YARN OF ALL WOOL, ALL NYLON, OR BLENDS OF WOOL AND NYLON

Why are these poodles using all caps to encourage me to use whatever kind of 3 ply yarn I want? It would be like an Army Drill Sergeant shouting “Give me twenty, soldier! At your convenience, whenever you can fit push-ups into your busy schedule.”

NEEDLES …………. 1 Pair No. 1 (English No. 12)
1 Pair No. 2 (English No. 11)
GAUGE …………..... 8 stitches and 10 rows equal 1 inch

DESIGN ON BACK AND FRONT

Background
Size 4 – ¾ oz., Size 6 – 4 oz., Size 8 – 4 ¾ oz., Size 10 – 5 ¾ oz.

All Sizes
Poodles 80 yds, Collar Hat etc. 10 yds, Leash 2 yds, Eyes 1 yd.

COLORS SHOWN
Background Red, Poodles White, Collar Hat etc. Blue, Leash Navy, Eyes Navy

Colours shown, huh?

I grew up on black & white TV, so I’m willing to believe that’s a red sweater. But for those readers who had their youthful imaginations stifled by the invention of colour television, here’s proof.

I’m amused by how the etsy merchant above described the pattern as two poodles dancing. I’ve heard of the Bunny Hop and the Mashed Potato, but I had no idea another popular 50s dance was the Yanked Leash.

OTHER COLOR COMBINATIONS
Background Navy, Poodles Gray, Collar Hat etc. Red, Leash Red, Eyes Navy
Background Med. Blue, Poodles White, Collar Hat etc. Red, Leash Red, Eyes Med. Blue
Background Green, Poodles Beige, Collar Hat etc. Green, Leash Green, Eyes Green

I don’t want to be critical… oh, who am I fooling. I’ve spotted two serious problems here.

First, the green sweater has the collar, hats and bows of the poodles the exact same colour as the background. It’ll look like someone crushed the poodles’ skulls and then decapitated their fluffy corpses. True, no one will mess with your little girl on the playground when she wears it, but you will be getting a call from the principal.

Second, all the “other colour combinations” sweaters match the poodles eyes with the background colour, but the “colors shown” poodles have navy eyes. I want a red sweater with poodles that have glowing red eyes!

Yikes!

I’ve changed my mind. Navy eyes are cool.

GENERAL INSTRUCTIONS

KNIT OF GRAF PATTERNS are life size. Lay work on graph occasionally to check your size. For ease in following, outline the size wanted with a colored pencil.

HANDMADE BY MOTHER is not life size. Feel free to hold your work up to the monitor to check your size. Do not use coloured pencils on your monitor. Remember, ease in following a perverted poodle graph is not an acceptable excuse for workplace vandalism.

EACH SQUARE in the graph represents a stitch. Every row is shown purled and knit rows. Follow graph from right to left on knit rows, from left to right on purled rows. Changes in color are shown on graph with difficult types of shading. Ribbing is not shown in most patterns but it is explained in the printed instructions.

GAUGE – Since no two people knit exactly alike it is necessary to test your knitting and yarn by making a sample before starting your work. There may be a difference of as much as four sizes in the finished work, using the wrong yarn and needles. Method for testing gauge is given at the beginning of the printed instructions for each pattern.

I feel like I’m being talked down to. After all, no beginner knitter is going to take on S&M poodles for their first project.

Other than the masochists, I suppose.

INCREASES AND DECREASES – When graph shows one extra square, increase one stitch. To increase, knit (or purl if on a purled row) first in front, then knit in back of stitch of left needle before slipping it off left needle. Increases of more than one stitch must be cast on at the end of row as shown on graph.

When graph shows a decrease of one square, knit or purl two stitches together. Decreases of more than one stitch must be bound off at the beginning of row.

Seriously, noobs, don’t let all these helpful stitch by stitch explanations lead you astray. If you want to make a poodle sweater, just buy a child’s sweater and use duct tape to attach two of the poodles below.

BEFORE STARTING GARMENT READ THE GENERAL INSTRUCTIONS ON BACK COVER FOR INCREASING, DECREASING, EXPLANATION OF GRAPHS, ETC. THEY MAY NOT BE REPEATED ELSEWHERE IN PATTERN.

I’m beginning to suspect that the S&M poodles are going to keep SHOUTING at me until I agree to be their slave. I’m going to need a safeword to make them back off.

I’d use POODLE, but the safeword has to be something I don’t normally shout while knitting.

GAUGE—With No. 2 needles cast on 24 sts, knit 1 row, purl 1 row, for 20 rows. Bind off, press with damp cloth, measure. Piece should measure exactly 3 inches by 2 inches. If it is smaller, try again with a larger needle. If it is larger, try again with a smaller needle.

Now, there’s always the safeword used by Parisian poodles, but I doubt shouting BALLS calms poodles down.

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

HOW TO WORK DESIGN
Changes in color of yarn are shown on graph with different types of shading. Wind large bobbins (holding at least 20 yards) with background color, smaller bobbins may be used for smaller designs. Keep bobbins wound up close to work to avoid tangling. NEVER CARRY YARN ACROSS BACK OF WORK but use a separate bobbin for every color change.

Don’t you dare CARRY YARN instead of using the dozens of bobbins called for in this pattern. Multinational Bobbin Manufacturers Inc., AKA Big Bobbin, monitors your monthly purchases, and if you dip below quota, watch out!

I heard from a friend of a friend that a knitter in Moosejaw died in a stampede … of bobbins. *shudder*

Small markings such as lines, eyes, etc., may be knit in or embroidered later in duplicate stitch after garment is finished.

Work to first row of design. Work across row to dark squares.

With all the shouting and bobbin threats, I’m sure I’ve forgotten something important. But what?

TIE DESIGN YARN TO BACKGROUND YARN, SLIP KNOT AS CLOSE TO NEEDLE AS POSSIBLE.

Ahhhh! I promise I’ll slip knot my needle close to the background yarn or whatever you want, just please stop shouting at me!

Tie yarn in this manner whenever graph indicates us of a new color. With design yarn, work the shaded squares, tie another bobbin of background yarn, work across blank squares (background sts) to end of row. Next row work to design. DROP BACKGROUND YARN ACROSS DESIGN YARN PICKING UP DESIGN YARN FROM UNDER BACKGROUND YARN.

I can’t take it anymore! I refuse to transcribe any more of this pattern. If you desperately want to make a fetish night poodle sweater, just use the KNIT O GRAF design graph…Whoops.

I knew I forgot to include something.

Now slap those poodles on the sweater pattern of your choice. Or onto any knitted clothing or house ware your heart desires. Personally, I think it’s the perfect design for a tablecloth and matching napkin set. After one S&M Poodle Thanksgiving, your family and in-laws will never darken your door again.

In 1981, Theresa Dacenzo of Cornwells Heights, Pennsylvania sent this photo to Crochet World of the knitted afghan she made for her niece.

And yes, Theresa made that afghan in 1981 not 1961. Her niece later wrote a scathing essay in her Woman Studies class about male-female poodle oppression in 1980s Pennsylvania.

Now, if you suspect that your 21st century niece wouldn’t appreciate a sexist poodle motif, feel free to make alterations to the original design. You could leave out the leash or replace it with something less offensive like a garrotte. Makes a lovely going away to prison gift! Or if you’d prefer a more GLBT-friendly design you could make both poodles the same gender.

Also, you don’t have to limit yourself to the formal top hat look. The most stylish poodles don’t.

Now if your heart is absolutely set on a genuine 100% vintage KNIT O GRAF poodle cardigan, you can still purchase the pattern. Not only can you find it on e-bay and etsy, there was evidence as recently as 2006 that the KNIT O GRAF PATTERN CO. was a going concern.

Unlike Big Bobbin, KNIT O GRAF was a cottage industry founded by a knitter, one Della Fitch of Minneapolis, Minnesota Smith. Alas, Della is no longer with us, but the company was taken over by her daughter Karen Fitch Mott. The last known contact information was 958 Redwood Drive, Apple Valley, MN, 55124 (952) 432-5630.

After all, if you’re going to spend money on this pattern, you might as well give it to the family who brought such an entertaining design into being.

Hopefully, Ms. Mott won’t want to sue Handmade by Mother for copyright violation. However, if she does, Theresa Dacenzo of Pennsylvania better watch out because I’ll squeal on her. At least I didn’t pretend to Crochet World that S&M poodles were the product of my twisted imagination.

Welsh zombies, yes. Dolphin lust demons (this year's novel!), yes. Perverted Poodles … well, maybe for the next 3-Day novel.

Click here for the printable pattern (such as it is).

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DIY – Poodle Party Crashers

“La-la-la,” sang Miss Tissue-Poo. “I love my new friend, Miss Spray-Poo! She’s a hair-spray cozy and she keeps me safe from Mr. Fishy Fangs. You can find her marvellously uncomplicated pattern right here.”

“Excuse me, but I’m much to cool for old-fashioned hairspray,” said Miss Spray-Poo. “My insides are a tall, slim bottle of Aussie Sydney Smooth Heat Protector. When the heat is on, be smooth.”

“Miss Spray-Poo’s made from the very finest left-over pink acrylic worsted-weight yarn scraps, doubled up so no one will suspect you use cheap, foreign hair spray,” continued Miss Tissue-Poo.

“I told you it’s not hairspray,” insisted Miss Spray-Poo. “And who are you talking to?”

“She may not look like much at first,” Miss Tissue-Poo burbled happily, “but once you tie on the extra-thick pompoms (be sure to do MANY more wraps than the pattern calls for) Miss Spray-Poo’s a perky poodle princess.”

“That’s it,” said Miss Spray-Poo, neither perky nor a princess. “I need a drink!”

Where will Miss Spray-Poo find a stiff drink?

Suddenly, a stranger appeared in the bathroom.

“That’s no stranger,” exclaimed Miss Spray Poo. “She’s my old friend, Nearly Headless Fifi. Now here’s a gal who knows how to party hard!”

“I don’t think we’re allowed to hold parties in the powder room,” said Miss Tissue-Poo, uncomfortably.

“Look at me,” shouted Miss Spray-Poo. “I’m not Nearly Headless, I’m Totally Headless! Woo-hoo!”

“Yeah, but I brought the booze!” retorted Fifi, flinging her head off with a flourish.

“Hurray!” said Miss Spray-Poo.

“Horrors,” gasped Miss Tissue-Poo. “The bathroom is packed with decapitated barfly poodles! What will people think?”

Everyone ignored Miss Tissue-Poo, and the Poodle Party proceeded apace. Eventually, Miss Tissue-Poo loosened up enough to ask Mr. Fishy Fangs to dance. He ignored her, as he’s in a committed relationship with the Bathroom Wall.

Will more Poodles crash this party? Stay tuned!

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DIY – The Harrowing Adventures of Miss Tissue-Poo

Miss Tissue-Poo is pleased to make her bathroom debut! She was crocheted from the very finest acrylic yarn, and has eight of the finest extra-fluffy pompoms. Her eyes are two blue buttons which complement her ribbon, and her nose was embroidered with a scrap of shiny pink yarn. She’s too much of a lady to stick a red felt tongue out at people using the powder room, so I ignored that part of her pattern.

Above, Miss Tissue-Poo discreetly keeps my spare roll of toilet paper under wraps, so my family and guests won’t be offended by the sight of something so uncouth. However, she seems a little worried about that deep sea fishy behind her...

What's that fish doing? To find out:

“Help!” Miss Tissue-Poo shrieks. “A horrible monster is nibbling on my top-knot! My precious, precious top knot!”

Poor Miss Tissue-Poo. Her legs are short and fluffy, so she can’t run away. She never expected that protecting toilet paper rolls would be fraught with peril.

“Oh, thank goodness!” says Miss Tissue-Poo as a new poodle joins her. “Now that you’re here, I’m sure I’ll be safe.”

“Whatever,” says Miss Spray-Poo, dismissively.

“You’re my hero!” gushes Miss Tissue-Poo.

“Do I even know you?”

I’m afraid Miss Spray-Poo is not a well-bred lady like our dear Miss Tissue-Poo.

But who is this rude poodle? And will she heroically guard Miss Tissue-Poo’s honour from Mr. Fishy Fangs, and more importantly, her precious top knot? The answers to these questions and many more are coming soon to a DIY post near you!


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Ooh La La!

French poodle! from “Make It Yourself with Aunt Lydia’s Heavy Rug Yarn”, c. 1965

Qu'est-ce que c'est? I hear you ask. Or if you don’t parlez la belle langue, you asked in an outrageous Inspector Clouseau accent, what are these things?

Mon Dieu, these are French poodles! And not some Québécois poutine-nibbling posers. Non, these are genuine Parisian poodles. Why, these two have chewed on croissants at a corner café, arguing whether Jean-Paul Sartre’s existential philosophy would have been more cheerful if he had crocheted poodles.

What? You do not believe me? You dare point out that the Aunt Lydia heavy yarn booklets are published by The American Thread Company! You think these are duplicitous dogs (try saying that ten times fast) made in New York City?

Bah! Here is proof that these crafty canines are not fake Frenchies.

I reste mon case.

For the complete pattern and the French poodle in living colour:

Well, more living grey instead of living colour. Also, this poodle is a great deal shaggier than its black and white friends. Is it a French hippie poodle?

Materials Required:
AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “DAWN” KNITTING WORSTED
1—4 oz. skein of black

That’s right, your French poodle must be made with ALL AMERICAN WORSTED!

Warning: using AMERICAN WORSTED may result in a Freedom Poodle.

or “AUNT LYDIA’S” HEAVY RUG YARN
3 skeins of color desired

Clearly, AUNT LYDIA is in quotation marks because she is MA TANTE LYDIA who owns many plumes.

2 toilet tissue rollers, 2 coat hangers, Glue, Black Tape, Newspaper, 2 Buttons for eyes, “STAR MERCERIZED SEWING THREAD, Large eye needle, 1 cardboard for measuring yarn 3 ¼” x 4 ¼”

1. Make FRAME from coat hangers. Front legs are separate pieces of wire. Twist onto neck wire then cut to length and bend.

I’m not sure why it’s necessary to ensure this French poodle has front leg mobility. Ah, there’s a diagram -- I’m sure it will explain all.

Or not.

2. Make BALL TIES by wrapping yarn loosely around card the long way 36 times. Cut yarn across one end. Ties will be 8 ½” long.

3. Make 20 large BALLS. Wrap yarn around card 20 times the long way. Tie very tightly in center with a tie and cut yarn across both ends of card. These are 4 ¼” long.

In the past, I’ve suggested reading instructions aloud for fun. However, unexpectedly yelling out BALLS might traumatize any children in the room.

Or any adults, for that matter.

4. Make 16 small BALLS. Tie and cut same as large balls except use the narrow side of card. These are 3 ¼” long.

5. COMB BALLS until Fluffy. Hold tie very firmly or yarn will pull out. Comb first with coarse teeth, then with fine. Save all your yarn combings.

Naturally, you’ll want start combing balls with coarse teeth. It’s vital that all of your slave’s poodle’s ball fluff be capital F Fluffy!

6. Push TISSUE ROLLERS onto frame. One on NECK and one on BACK. Fill rollers with newspaper. Keep neck wire frame in center of roll and fill around it. Let body roll rest on wire frame and fill below it. Make them sturdy.

Do people in France actually have sturdy toilet paper rollers? I suppose they must, otherwise they would be forced to make their French poodles out of bidets.

7. Cover NOSE and FEET with black TAPE.

8. Pad top of NOSE with walnut size of yarn combings, then wrap yarn around nose to cover combings. Wrap firmly. Leave ¼” of tape showing.

9. Wrap yarn around tissue ROLLERS and LEGS. Apply glue to end and wrap very compactly. Push yarn back tightly. Secure end with glue. Wrap yarn around legs very tightly and tie at feet.

10. Make 2 PUMPKIN BALLS using half of the yarn combings for base of each. Wrap yarn around forming a pumpkin shape ball 2” in diameter, 1 ½” high.

PUMPKIN BALLS? I had no idea that The Great Pumpkin wanted poodle pumpkins!

No wonder he never showed up for poor Linus.

11. Place one PUMPKIN BALL on top of NECK FRAME about 1 ½” back from nose tip. Sew BALL securely to NECK ROLLER at upper edge.

12. To make TAIL, bend 15” wire in middle, and double ends back for 4”. Separate ends. Hook ends around rear of dog, clamp with pliers. (A) Sew a PUMPKIN BALL on tail end of BODY ROLLER holding tail upright. Wrap tail with yarn as legs were wrapped. (B) Tie one small BALL on top of TAIL.

This diagram demonstrates the extreme importance of blocking any French poodle’s rear entry.

13. Tie 4 large BALLS to NOSE and FRAME on top of head. Don’t cover nose.

In the U.S.A., they have Blinky the Three-Eyed Fish. In France, they have Peepers the Four-Eyed Poodle.

14. Tie 7 large BALLS to yarn completely encircling NECK at upper edge.

15. Tie 7 large BALLS to yarn completely encircling NECK at lower edge.

16. Tie 7 large BALLS to yarn around back edge of BODY. Tie 2 small BALLS to each FOOT.

Forget what I said earlier. The only way to break up the monotony of tying up an endless series of BALLS is to start shouting.

I’m certain many S & M mistresses would agree with me.

17. Tie one large BALL on each side of Chest to top of front LEGS.

18. Fluff and pat POODLE into shape.

That’s right, PAT the POODLE!

19. Sew on buttons for eyes and add collar or other trim as you like.

Et voila! You have a French… er, um.

Okay, this last diagram does not resemble the French poodles in the photos. It looks like someone strangled poor Pat the Poodle with duct tape and then glued on marshmallows for decorative effect.

Handmade by Mother does not endorse the abuse of poodles, even ugly novelty ones. So, instead of making this pattern, why not make a marshmallow poodle cake!

Your family and Pat the Poodle will thank you.

Click here for the printable pattern.

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Pat the *!$@% Poodle!

Pat the Poodle from Crocheting with Lily Cotton Rug Yarn, c. 1965

This is not Stylopath’s gorgeous “Pat the Poodle”. No, this is the other Pat the Poodle. The one that’s skinny, stiff and fulfills no function other than gathering dust and traumatizing small children.

“Pat the Poodle,” shouts Scary Aunt Agnes at her ten year old niece Suzie. “That’s her name because you have to Pat the Poodle! Get it? Pat Pat. Hah!"

“Um, I’d rather not...” Suzie says.

Aunt Agnes takes long, slow swig from a poodle covered bottle. “I said, hic, PAT the Poodle! Now!”

Suzie tentatively reaches out and gives the Poodle a light pat.

“Sheesh kid,” Agnes says, “I said pat the poodle. I didn’t say pound on her like a bongo drum. What kind of monster are you?”

Poor Suzie required years of therapy to recover from this visit. Happily, she is now a healthy, well-adjusted veterinarian living 800 miles from her aunt.

Alas, as you can tell from the photo above, Pat the Poodle never overcame her traumatic years with Aunt Agnes. Donations can be made to the Pat the Poodle Foundation through Handmade by Mother. Please send non-sequential twenty dollar bills. Sorry, no tax receipts.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Pat the Poodle

LILY RUG YARN, Art. 241: 3 skeins White, Lt. Gray, Lavender, Black or other desired color; and

LILY SIX STRAND FLOSS, Art. 21: 2 skeins Black.

Presumably Pink is the “other desired color”. Or maybe the in house crocheter went rogue and picked her favourite colour and the devil take the consequences.

Shame she felt compelled to slavishly follow the rest of the instructions though.

No. G or 6 Aluminum Crochet Hook and No. 7 Steel Crochet Hook.

30’’ White ribbon ½’’ wide.
2 eyes (or black beads).
28’’ wood dowel ¼’’ size.

Work tightly for best results.

BODY: Starting at tail with Rug Yarn and G or 6 hook, ch 2.
1st rnd.: 6 sc in 2d ch from hook. Do not join rnds but mark end of rnds. Work in back lps.

Yes, that’s the “2d chain from hook”. As opposed to the 3d chain, which requires special glasses.

I’ll bet you think I’m mocking a typo. Nope, 2d is exactly how 2nd is written throughout this pattern. Clearly, the pattern editor had issues with the letter ‘n’.

2nd rnd.: (2 sc in next sc) 6 times.
3rd rnd.: (2 sc in next sc for an inc, sc in next 2 sc) 4 times (16 sc).
Work even, without incs. Thru 8th rnd.
9th thru 13th rnds.: Inc once at beg. of each of these 5 rnds.
14th thru 16th rnds.: Make these 3 rnds even.
17th rnd.: (Draw up a lp in next 2 sc, Y O and draw thru 3 lps on hook for a dec, sc in next sc) repeated until 10 sc are left. Cut a piece of dowel the length of body. Insert in body, stuff with an old nylon hose and close end with sl sts. Fasten off.

Ah, the giddy Cold War years when nylon hose was so common place, women worked hard and played hard in their hosiery. That’s why the pattern editor didn’t bother mentioning stuffed-toy-friendly stockings in the materials list. She knew that oodles of no longer tight tights were flung with wild abandon all over the 1960s household.

LEG: Ch 2. 4 sc in 2d ch from hook. Working as for Body, (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 3 sc) 6 times (10 sc in final rnd). *Mark last sc. Now work even thru 14th rnd. Sl st in next sc and cut with long sewing end. Stuff with a piece of dowel and nylon hose. Make 4 and sew 2 under each end of Body.

NECK: Ch 2, 6 sc in 2d ch from hook.
2nd rnd.: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next sc) 4 times (10 sc).
Work even thru 15th rnd, stuff with dowel and hose, and close end with sl sts. Sew starting end to top of front end of Body.

You see?

This ad also explains why your mom gets confused when her grandchildren are described as emo.

HEAD: Repeat Leg to *. (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 3 sc) twice, sl st in next 3 sc. Cut with sewing end. Stuff with hose and sew to front of neck at top.

FOOT: With Black and No. 7 hook, ch 2.
1st rnd.: 6 sc in 2d ch from hook. Do not join rnds. Mark end of rnds.
2nd rnd.: Working in back lps, (2 sc in next sc) 6 times.
3rd rnd.: (Sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times.
4th rnd.: (Sc in 5 sc, 2 sc in next sc) 3 times (21 sc).
Work even for 3 rnds. Sl st in next sc and cut with sewing end. Make 4. Slip one on bottom of each leg and sew in place.

NOSE: Repeat Foot thru 4th rnd. Work 1 rnd even. Sl st in next sc, cut and sew on nose.

Now all that’s left of the pattern is the trim, which will be described in long excruciating detail.

What? You thought you were finished because you’d completed all the necessary parts of a poodle? Hah!

LEG TRIM: With Rug Yarn and No. 6 hook, ch 11.
1st row: Sk 1 ch, sc in next ch, * draw out lp on hook ¾’’ long, Y O and draw thru lp, sc in single back strand of long lp (Knot St made), make a 2d Knot St (to complete a K st loop), sc in next st of chain. Repeat from * across (9 lps).
2nd row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, hold next lp down tightly in front, sc in next sc between lps) repeated across to end sc.

No, you’re not seeing things. There’s a close bracket sitting there after “lps” with no open bracket before it. I’m guessing that it’s not a good idea to repeat the “ch 1, turn” instructions all the way across to the “end sc”.

Although, looking at the final product, I’m thinking good ideas have very little to do with Poor Pat the Poodle. So, go ahead and repeat “ch 1, turn” to your heart’s content.

3rd row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (K St lp, sc in next sc) 9 times.
4th row: Repeat 2nd row. Cut with sewing end. Place around leg above foot, sew ends tog. and sew to leg. Repeat on all legs.

BODY TRIM: Ch 22, sk 1 ch, sc in next ch, (make two 1’’ long Knot Sts for a K St lp, sc in next ch) 20 times. 2nd row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, holding lps down in front, sc in next 20 sc between lps.

But keep your measuring tape handy. First, all your loops needed to be precisely ¾’’ long and now exactly 1” long. Sure, that sounds like a nit-picky, anal-retentive waste of time (and yes all of those hyphens are necessary), but attention these details is what makes Pat the Poodle look like a real poo... er... um, poodlish thing that haunts children’s nightmares.

Go ahead, throw caution to the wind and make all the loops at least 10” long! Sure, Pat will look more like a pink dust mop, but at least it won’t terrorize your kiddies, right?

3rd row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (make a K St lp as for 1st row, sc in next sc) 20 times.
4th row: Repeat 2nd row.
5th row: Ch 1, turn, sk 1st sc, sc in next sc, (K St lp, sc in next sc) 7 times.
6th row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (sc in next sc between lps) 7 times.
7th row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (K St lp, sc in next sc) 7 times. Repeat 6th and 7th rows thru 9 lp rows (from beginning). Repeat 6th row again. Place 2 long lp rows around body behind neck, sew ends tog. under body. Bring short rows around front and sew last row to long row. Then sew edges firmly to body, neck and top of legs.

Of course, crocheting a shaved poodle is an option as well.

Oh my. Who’s an adorable Humane Society waif? You are! Yes, you are!

Oh puppy, please stop staring at me. You found a good home, and I already have a half poodle, and my husband has forbidden me to pick up any more strays....

“Um, sweetie, can we pop by the Humane Society tonight?”

“No reason, I just want to ... drop off a donation... Yes, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”

TAIL TUFT: Ch 2, sc in 2d ch from hook, (make two 2’’ Knot Sts, sc in same starting st) 3 times. Cut with sewing end.

TRIM: Ch 2, sc in 2d ch from hook, (make two 1’’ Knot Sts, sc in same st) 5 times. Do not join.
2nd row: Ch 1, turn, 2 sc in 1st sc, holding lps down in front, (2 sc in next sc) 5 times.
3rd row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (K St lp, sc in next sc) 11 times.
4th row: Ch 1, turn, 2 sc in 1st sc, (2 sc in next sc between lps) 11 times.
5th row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (K St lp, sc in next sc) 23 times.
6th row: Ch 1, turn, sl st in 1st sc (sl st in next sc) 23 times. Cut with sewing end. Sew ends of rows tog, sew Tail Tuft in center of Trim and sew on back of body.

I can’t help but notice that we have “Leg Trim”, “Body Trim” and coming up next, “Head Trim”. But this particular bit o’ “Trim” didn’t get a name. Clearly, calling it “Rump Trim,” “Tuckus Trim” or “Booty Trim” would be gauche.

So, this must be the “Unmentionable Trim”.

HEAD TRIM: Ch 13, sk 1 ch, sc in next ch, (make two ¾’’ Knot Sts, sc in next ch) 11 times.
2nd row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, holding lps down in front, (sc in next sc) 11 times.
3rd row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (K St lp, sc in next sc) 11 times.
4th row: Repeat 2nd row.
5th row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (K St lp, sc in next sc) twice, (K St lp, draw up a lp in next 2 sc, Y O and draw thru all 3 lps for a dec) 3 times, (K St lp, sc in next sc) 3 times.
6th row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, sc in next 8 sc.
7th row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, K St lp, sc in next sc, (K St lp, dec in next 2 sc) 3 times, K St lp, sc in next (end) sc.
8th row: Ch 1, turn, sl st in 1st sc, (sl st in next sc) 5 times. Cut, fold this last row in center and sew 2 halves tog. Place starting row around head and sew tog underneath. Sew all edges down closely. Sew eyes in place. Tie a ribbon bow around neck and around base of tail tuft.

And... we’re finally done! Feel free to make several of these quasi-Poodles, in assorted colours. Give them to every child you know for their birthdays, and of course, on Poodle Day. Trust me, the kiddies will be thrilled.

After all, they have to pat the Poodle on Poodle Day, don’t they?

“Do you hear me, you little ingrates? I spent far too many hours making this thing, so you’re going to Pat the $%@** Poodle! Now!”

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

Fun is in the eye of the beholder.

Poodle Set from McCall’s Needlework Fall-Winter, 1952-53

To properly celebrate PoodleFest, it’s not enough to cover your toilet rolls and hair spray with poodles. You need to turn your children into poodles, too.

As McCall’s helpfully points out, “What makes it fun is – her crocheted hat has poodle ears, her scarf, poodle legs, and a poodle muff cuddles her pinkies.”

Yes, wearing the dismembered body parts of your favorite pet is what makes it fun!

But wait, someone in the photo is clearly not having fun.

In fact, her poodle pal looks downright depressed.

If he doesn’t turn that frown upside down pronto, he’s going to find himself turned into a cap, scarf and muff set. Just like the last poodle who failed to live up to his billing as “funniest thing”.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

FRENCH POODLE

Size: 9’’ x 12’’.
Materials: Columbia Knitting Worsted, 6 1 oz balls brown. Small amount of black for mouth; strand of white for teeth. Cotton for stuffing. 1 pair of glass eyes No. 14 (or 2 buttons). “Boye” steel crochet hook No. 1.
Gauge: 6 s c = 1’’; 6 rows of s c = 1’’.

Take note – you have the option of using buttons instead of glass eyes. Don’t get all giddy with your newfound sense of freedom, though. This poodle only comes in one colour – brown.

If you make it black or white, your poodle will no longer be the “funniest thing”. Instead, the poodle will be a symbol of your profound failure as a Mother.

Pink is right out.

Body: Starting at back, ch 6, join in ring with sl st.
Row 1: 8 s c in ring.
Row 2: 2 s c in each st (16 sts).
Row 3: * 2 s c in first st, 1 s c in next st, repeat from * around (24 sts).
Row 4: Same as row 3 (36 sts).
Row 5: 2 s c in every 9th st (40 sts). Work even for 30 rows. Break off yarn. Turn inside out.

Tail: Ch 6, join in ring with sl st.
Row 1: Work 8 1’’ lps in ring as follows: * With strand over first finger of left hand (1’’ from work), insert hook in ring, draw strand through ring from under the finger, then yarn over hook and through the 2 loops on hook (finishing 1 s c), repeat from * 7 times more (draw lps up to make sure they are 1’’ long and even). Continue to work around.
Row 2: 2 lps in each st (16 lps). Work 1 lp in each st around for 2 rows, then work 1 s c in each st for 9 rows.
Row 14: Work 7 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 15: Skip 1 st, work 6 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 16: Skip 1 st, 5 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 17: Skip 1 st, 4 s c, break off yarn.

Stuff Tail and Body: Sew tail to body, having last row of tail at center back of body.

Just make sure to orient your poodle’s tail up, like in the McCall’s photo. You want a happy poodle, not a clinically depressed poodle who might suddenly turn around and chew on a former head of state.

Head: Starting at top, ch 8, join in ring with sl st.
Row 1: Work 10 lps in ring (as in tail).
Row 2: 2 lps in each st (20 lps).
Row 3: 2 lps in each st (40 lps).
Rows 4 and 5: 1 lp in each st.
Row 6: 1 s c in each st, increasing 6 sts around (46 sts).
Rows 7 to 9: 1 s c in each st.
Row 10 (Start face): 1 s c in each of 23 sts, ch 18 for chin and fasten with s c in first st, then work around for face as follows:
Row 1 (continue on wrong side): 1 s c in each of 4 sts, fasten eye in next st, or place marker for button, 1 s c in each of 11 sts, fasten eye in next st, 1 s c in each of 5 sts, 1 s c in each of the 18 ch (41 sts around).
Row 2: Sk 1 st, 21 s c, sk 1 st, 18 s c; 39 sts.
Row 3: Sk 1, 20 s c, sk 1, 17 s c, 37 sts.
Row 4: Sk 1, 19 s c, sk 1, 16 s c, 35 sts.
Row 5: Sk 1, 18 s c, sk 1, 15 s c, 33 sts.
Row 6: Sk 1, 17 s c, sk 1, 14 s c, 31 sts.
Row 7: Sk 1, 16 s c, sk 1, 13 s c, 29 sts.
Row 8: Sk 1, 15 s c, sk 1, 12 s c, 27 sts.
Row 9: Sk 1, 14 s c, sk 1, 11 s c, 25 sts.
Row 10: Sk 1, 13 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, work 2 lps in each of 2 sts, 1 s c at center, 2 lps in each of 2 sts, 2 s c.
Row 11: Sk 1 st, 12 s c, sk 1 st, 2 s c, 4 lps over 4 lps, 1 s c, 4 lps over 4 lps, 2 s c.
Row 12: * Sk 1 st, 1 s c in each of 2 sts, repeat from * around, break off yarn.
With black yarn, work 2 rows of s c around, break off yarn, close mouth with a few sts.

Of course, some poodles have legitimate reasons for being both depressed and homicidal.

Continuing on wrong side, join brown yarn at neck edge and work 24 s c across back of head, and 20 s c across ch (44 sts). Continue to work around, skipping 1 st each side on each of the next 6 rows (32 sts remaining). Work even for 10 rows, then work across front only as follows:
Row 1: Ch 1, turn, sk 1 st, work 14 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 2: Sk 1 st, 13 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 3: Sk 1 st, 12 s c, ch 1, turn. Work 4 more rows in this manner, break off yarn. With white, work 4 long sts for teeth below black nose. Cut lps at chin.

My, what sharp teeth you have, Grandma... I mean Mr. Poodle!

Stuff head firmly, shaping face. Sew body to edge of neck.

Paws and Legs (Make 4 legs the same for 8 lp rows): Starting at sole, ch 4, join in ring with a sl st.
Row 1: 6 s c in ring.
Row 2: 2 s c in each st (12 sts).
Row 3: 2 s c in each st (24 sts).
Row 4: 1 s c in each st (24 sts).
Row 5: 5 s c, 2 s c in each of 7 sts, 12 s c (31 sts).
Row 6: 8 s c, sk 1 st, 1 s c, sk 1 st, 2 s c in each of 3 sts, sk 1 st, 1 s c, sk 1 st, 14 s c (30 sts).
Row 7: 8 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 9 s c (26 sts).
Row 8: 8 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 9 s c (23 sts).
Row 9: 8 s c, sk 1, 4 s c, sk 1, 9 s c (21 sts).
Row 10: 10 s c, sk 2, 9 s c (19 sts).
Row 11: 19 s c (ending row at center back of heel).
Row 12: 1 lp in each st (19 lps). Repeat rows 11 and 12, seven times more (8 lp rows).
Repeat row 11, then work top of legs as follows:

Poodles of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your leashes!

And your incredibly silly hair cuts...

Right front and right back legs:
Row 1: Work 1 lp in each of 9 sts, ch 1, turn.
Row 2: 1 s c in each of 11 sts, ch 1, turn.
Row 3: 11 lps, ch 1, turn.
Row 4: 2 s c in first st, 1 s c in each of 9 sts, 2 s c in last st, ch 1, turn.
Row 5: 13 lps, ch 1, turn.
Row 6: 13 s c, break off yarn, leaving enough length to sew leg to body.

Left front and left back legs (Starting at center back): Row 1: Sl st across 10 sts, 9 lps to end of row, ch 1, turn.
Row 2: 11 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 3: 11 lps, ch 1, turn.
Row 4: 2 s c in first st, 9 s c, 2 s c in last st, ch 1, turn.
Row 5: 13 lps, ch 1, turn.
Row 6: 13 s c, break off yarn.
Place cardboard shapes in paws, then stuff legs. Sew legs to body, paws facing front. Complete poodle by making the ears as follows:

Ears (Make 2): Ch 15, turn.
Row 1: Sk 2 ch, 13 s c, ch 2, turn.
Row 2: 1 lp in each st, ch 2, turn.
Row 3: 13 s c, ch 2, turn. Repeat rows 2 and 3 three times more, then repeat row 3 for 8 rows.
Row 18: Sk every other st, break off yarn.
Sew ears to head close to last lp row on top of head.

Leash: Use heavy cotton yarn. Cut 9 28’’ strands. Divide in 3, knot one end, braid. Knot other end. Tack one end back for 5’’ handle. For collar, cut 24 9’’ strands. Divide, braid. Sew ends and attach leash.

“POODLE” CAP, SCARF, MUFF

Materials: Knitting Worsted, 6 oz. red.

Red? Since when do poodles, or even “poodles,” come in red? Brown, black, white, even pink, sure! But never red!

Well... except for this poodle.

But why would you want your daughter to look like the day-glo spawn of Carmen Miranda and a Russian folk dancer?

“Boye” non-inflammable 5 ¾’’ crochet hook, Letter “F.” ½ yd. ¼’’ elastic.

Interesting historical tidbit: the words inflammable and flammable, both mean “this item burns like bejeezus and might spontaneously combust if you look at it sideways”, but come from entirely different Latin roots. Today flammable is the preferred term, because English speakers look at the prefix “in” and assume incorrectly (see how INcorrect is the opposite of correct?) that inflammable actually means “safe as houses, feel free to dress your children in it and allow them to play with matches”.

Unfortunately, none of this answers the real question of why our crochet hooks must be fireproof in order to safely complete this pattern.

Gauge: 4 s c = 1’’.
Knot Stitch: † * Draw up a ¾’’ lp on hook, yo and through lp, insert hook under thread at left of lp and work 1 s c, repeat from * once, s c in next ridge st, repeat from † across.

Poodle Trimming: Row 1: Attach yarn to first ridge st of first ridge row, work knot st across row. Row 2: Ch 1, work 1 knot st (turning knot st), s c in first ridge st of next row and work knot st across. Repeat row 2 for remainder of trimming.

CAP: Starting at center of head, ch 22.
Row 1: S c in 2nd ch from hook, and in each ch across (21 s c), ch 1, turn. Work s c in back lp of each s c (slipper st) and work even until piece measures desired length to top of ear, ch 1, turn.
Ear Muff: Dec 1 s c each side every row until 1 st remains. End off. Attach yarn to first st of starting ch, work 21 s c across, ch 1, turn. Finish same as first side. Work poodle trimming over each ear muff. Work 1 row knot st around edge of each ear muff.
Ties: Make six 30’’ chs; braid 3 chs tog for each tie. Knot one end, attach other end to tip of each ear muff.

Maybe the hooks need to be “non-inflammable” because of the extreme sport of speed crocheting. I sure wouldn’t be surprised to see scorch marks on Lisa Gentry’s hooks!

SCARF: Ch 11. S c in 2nd ch from hook, and in each ch across (10 s c), ch 1, turn. Work slipper st for 3’’, ch 1, turn. Dec row: * Draw up a lp in each of 2 s c, yo and through all lps on hook, repeat from * across (5 s c). Work even for 1 ½’’, ch 1, turn. Work 2 s c in each s c across (10 s c), ch 1, turn.
Neck Piece: Work slipper st until neck piece measures 12 ½’’ or desired length around neck. Repeat dec row (5 sts remain), ch 1, turn.
Slit: Work slipper st for 2’’. End off. Attach yarn to first row of slit and work another piece across same 5 sts for 2’’, do not end off.
Join Slit Section: * S c in first s c of first piece, s c in first s c of 2nd piece, repeat from * across (10 s c), ch 1, turn. Work slipper st for 3’’. End off. Work poodle trimming over first and last 3’’ of scarf.

MUFF: Ch 26. Row 1: S c in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across (25 s c), ch 1, turn. Work slipper st for 12’’ or desired length. End off. Work poodle trimming over entire piece. Sl st tog first and last row of muff. Work 4 rows s c around side openings (facings). Turn under and hem facings. Insert elastic in facings, cut to wrist measurement.
Handle: Make one tie as for cap, fold in half and sew in place.

There! Your child is now securely encased in bright red “Poodle” wear, with Prozac the Clinically Depressed Poodle to keep her company. You are officially a Good Mother.

But don’t rest on your laurels, even if they’re inflammable! There’s more poodles to come...

Click here for the printable pattern.


Read more!

Poo Spray!

Hair Spray Cover from “Knit, Crochet, Embroider and Braid with Aunt Lydia’s Heavy Rug Yarn”, c. 1965

Think your bathroom is a poodle paradise just because your toilet rolls and guest soaps have been poodlized? Think again!

What about all the other common bathroom items currently flaunting their nudity for everyone to see? Think of your hairspray inspiring your neighbours to live in sin!

Make no mistake, your poodle-less hairspray is living in sin.

What’s that? You don’t use hairspray? Shocking!

Go ahead and argue that it’s all the rage to go au naturel, but believe me, you’ll regret letting your hair run wild and free. Hair must be shaped, molded, and forced to conform.
Otherwise, one morning you’ll look in the bathroom mirror and see this:

So, stock up on hair spray before it’s too late!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Hair Spray Cover

KNITTED OR CROCHETED

Why is Aunt Lydia shouting at us? For that matter, why is she decapitating poodles?

Materials Required:
AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “AUNT LYDIA’S” HEAVY RUG YARN

Maybe Aunt Lydia’s A LITTLE BIT DEAF.

2 Skeins Pink or color of your choice
1 Pr. Knitting Needles No. 8 for knitted cover
Aluminum Crochet Hook Size H for crocheted cover

There, now that she has a hearing aid, everything’s much better.

OR ANY SIZE NEEDLES WHICH WILL RESULT IN STITCH GAUGE BELOW

Eek!

Scraps of Red and Black felt
1 ¼ yds. ½ inch Pink ribbon
GAUGE: KNIT: 7 sts 2 = inches;
CROCHET: 3 sts = 1 inch

I can’t stand the uncertainty. Is she going to shout? Or is she going to speak nicely? And what does “7 sts 2 = inches” mean anyway?

Aunt Lydia, you’re scaring me!

CROCHET
HEAD: Ch 11 loosely, 1 s c in 2nd st from hook, 1 s c in each st of ch, ch 1, turn. 2nd ROW: 1 s c in each s c, ch 1, turn. 3rd ROW: Repeat 2nd row, ch 4, turn. 4th ROW: 1 s c in 2nd st from hook, 1 s c in each st of ch, 1 s c in each s c, ch 1, turn. 5th ROW: 1 s c in each s c, ch 1, turn. 6th ROW: 1 s c in each s c to within last 2 s c, dec in next 2 s c (to dec: insert hook in next st, pull loop through, insert hook in next st, pull look through, yarn over and work off all loops at one time), ch 1, turn. 7th ROW: Dec in 1st 2 sts, 1 s c in each of the next 7 s c, ch 1, turn. 8th and 9th ROWS: Dec in 1st 2 sts, 1 s c in each s c, ch 1, turn, cut yarn at end of last row. Work another section in same manner. Sew 2 sections tog leaving neck open. Attach yarn at back seam, ch 1, *dc in next st, repeat from * all around, join, cut yarn.

You know what? I’m going to just sit over here and do exactly what she tells me to do. So what if Aunt Lydia’s sewing pieces of crochet work together instead of crocheting it all in one piece? I’m sure she knows exactly what she’s doing. She certainly sounds knowledgeable.

Okay, she sounds loud. But it’s the same thing, right?

BODY: Ch 2, 6 s c in 2nd st from hook, do not join rounds, place a marker at beg of each round. 2nd ROUND: Work 2 s c in each st. 3rd ROUND: 1 s c in each s c inc 3 sts evenly space. 4th and 5th ROUNDS: Repeat 3rd round (21 sts), join. 6th ROUND: Ch 2, d c in each d c, join. Repeat last round 6 times (or length desired for taller container), cut yarn. Cut a 24 inch length of yarn, pull length through last row. Place cover over container and tie.

What I’ve learned from Aunt Lydia today:

It’s very important to keep your ROWS and ROUNDS straight. Therefore, when crocheting, you should always be sure to scream each word at the top of your lungs before embarking on a ROW or ROUND.

No, of course your family won’t mind!

POMPONS: Wind yarn 30 times over a 2 ½ inch cardboard, slop off cardboard, tie at center, trim. Work 2 more pompons in same manner. Tie 2 pompons on top of head and 1 pompon at tail section. Work 6 more pompons in same manner but wind yarn 25 times over cardboard. Tie one on each side for ears and 4 for legs as illustrated.

NOSE POMPON:Work 2. Wind yarn 10 times over a 1 ½ inch cardboard, complete pompons as before. Tie in place at each side of nose. Cut 3 circles of Black felt 1.2 inch in diameter for eyes and tip of nose. Cut tongue as illustrated from Red felt, sew or glue in place.

That’s right! Don’t think you’re getting away with not covering your hair spray, just because you don’t know how to CROCHET!

Yes, I can be Aunt Lydia!

KNITTED
HEAD Cast on 15 sts and work in stockinette st (K 1 row, P 1 row) for 6 rows ending on wrong side, cast on 4 sts. NEXT 4 ROWS: Work in stockinette st. 11th ROW: K 4 sts, K 2 tog, K remaining sts to within 2 sts, K 2 tog. 12th ROW: P across row. 13th ROW: Bind off 4 sts, K to within 2 sts, K 2 tog. 14th ROW: Repeat 12th row. 15th ROW: K 2 tog, K to within 2 sts, K 2 tog. 16th ROW: Same as 12th row. 17th ROW: K across row to within 2 sts, K 2 tog. 18th ROW: Repeat 12th row. 19th ROW: Repeat 17th row. 20th ROW: Repeat 12th row. 21st ROW: Repeat 17th row (7 sts on needle), bind off. Work another section in same manner reversing all shaping. With right side of work toward you, pick up and K 15 sts at neckedge. 2nd ROW: P across row. 3rd ROW: K across inc 5 sts evenly spaced. 4th ROW: Repeat 2nd row, bind off. Sew 2 sections tog.

I’m going to assume that we’re putting the right sides of BOTH works together...

Ooh, shouting is fun!

...and joining them together while picking up sts. AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?

Yay, I’m a fibercraft dominKNITrix!

A poodle hair spray cover would fit right into this kinky scene, don’t you think?

BODY: Cast on 7 sts, P across row. 2nd ROW: Inc in every st as follows: K 1 in front of st, K 1 in back of same st. 3rd ROW: P across row. 4th ROW: Repeat 2nd row. 5th ROW: P across row. 6th ROW: K across row. 7th ROW: P across row. Repeat last 2 rows until cover measures 7 inches from beg or length desired for taller container. NEXT ROW: BEADING: K 1, * y o, K 2 tog, repeat from * across row ending with K 2 tog, K 1. NEXT ROW: K across. NEXT ROW: P across, bind off. Sew seam and complete same as crocheted cover.

And there you go – your hair spray is now securely restrained inside a knitted or crocheted poodle. Your victims I mean, loved ones, will be very impressed.

Coming up... even more poodles!

Click here for the printable pattern.


Read more!