Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Your Ketchup Bottle is Naked!

“Gay Garden” Ketchup Bottle Cover from Kitchen Crochet, 1964

It’s warming up outside and soon it’ll be time for backyard entertaining around the barbeque. So, you open up your fridge to check your supply of condiments, and there’s your ketchup bottle – naked!

How can you possibly put ketchup that’s gaily flaunting its nakedness on your picnic table? What would the neighbours think? What would your mother-in-law think? What would your mother-in-law’s neighbours think?

Unfortunately, you can’t force your ketchup to settle down and marry a nice, respectable mustard container. But you can, indeed you MUST insist on proper dinner wear. Because everyone knows that tolerating tomato toplessness only gives ketchup bottles license to engage in all sorts of shocking shenanigans. Even a ketchup from a good home will experiment with cheap chemical additives and then, high as a kite, cavort naked with creepy clowns.

That’s why it’s your moral duty to keep your ketchup safely under wraps with this “Gay Garden” Bottle Cover. True, your neighbours, mother-in-law, and her nosy neighbours won’t be able to identify which crochet covered bottle contains your ketchup at the barbeque. But rest assured, neither will the clowns.

For the complete pattern (and more snark):

“Gay Garden” Ketchup Bottle Cover
A small piece of aluminum foil wound around the neck of the bottle will catch drips and keep the cover clean.
This shiny silver collar will also remind your ketchup who is the boss.

Dripping will not be tolerated! It is a slippery slope that will only lead to dribbling, drizzling, and dropping acid.
COATS & CLARK’S O.N.T. “SPEED-CRO-SHEEN” MERCERIZED COTTON: 1 ball each of No. 1 White and No. 48 Hunter’s Green

COATS & CLARK’S “O.N.T.” SIX STRAND FLOSS: 2 skeins of No. 141 Devil Red and 1 Skein of No. 11 Orange.
Yes, that’s Devil Red not Divine Red. Why do you think ketchup is red? Because tomatoes are the devil’s fruit!

You may believe that by the time tomatoes become ketchup, they’ve had all the evil mashed out of them, but that just means you have no idea just how stubborn tomatoes can be. Why just watch this recalcitrant ketchup refusing to emerge from its bottle to fulfill its sacred duty of seasoning our children’s food!

Milwards Steel Crochet Hook No. 1

14 oz. ketchup bottle.

GAUGE: 6 sc = 1 inch; 13 rnds = 2 inches.

COVER . . . Starting at neck with White, ch 26 to measure 4 ½ inches. Join with sl st to first ch to form ring. 1st rnd: Ch 1, sc in joining, sc in next 25 ch. Do not join rnds. 2nd through 10th rnd: Sc in each sc around. Now shape cover as follows: * Sc in next 15 sc, 2 sc in next sc. Repeat from * until there are 52 sc around. Repeat 2nd rnd until cover, when slipped over bottle, reaches from bottom of cap to base of bottle, then sl st loosely in each sc around. Break off and fasten. Attach White at neck edge and sc in each ch around starting ch, then sl st in each sc around. Break off and fasten.
Remember, your impressionable children are exposed everyday to your ketchup bottle. Are your little ones learning about the wholesome virtues of condiment modesty or will they end up embracing your ketchup’s full frontal nudity?

Won’t somebody please think of the children?
LONG STEM (Make 2) . . . With Green ch 20, sc in 2nd ch from hook, h dc in next ch, sc in next ch, sl st in next ch – leaf made; (ch 9, make another leaf) twice; ch 6, sl st in 2nd ch from hook, sl st in next 4 ch, * sl st in base of next leaf, ch 5 and complete a leaf, sl st in next 4 ch. Repeat from * twice; sl st in each remaining chain – 3 sets of leaves. Break off and fasten.

MEDIUM STEM (Make 2) . . . With Green, ch 22. Make a leaf, ch 9 make a leaf, ch 6 and complete as for Long Stem – 2 sets of leaves.

SHORT STEM (Make 2) . . . With Green, ch 18. Make a leaf, ch 6 and complete as for Long stem – 1 set of leaves.

Divide lower edge of Cover into 6 equal parts. Starting at lower edge, sew stems in place as illustrated.
Do not let the gay garden on your ketchup bottle run riot by giving into the temptation to be “creative”. Creativity is a gateway drug. One non-standard flower, and the next thing you know, your condiments will be experimenting with vegetable dyes and painting purple graffiti all over your neighbourhood.

FLOWER (Make 6) . . . With Orange floss, ch 2. 1st rnd: 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook. Attach Red to wrong side of work. Drop Orange, insert hook in back loop of first sc, pick up Red and draw through the 2 loops on hook. Break off and fasten Orange. 2nd rnd: Ch 1, * in back loop of next sc make sc, ch 3, 2-dc cluster, ch 3 and sc; to make a 2-dc cluster – holding back on hook the last loop of each dc, make 2 sc in same place, thread over and draw through all 3 loops on hook. Repeat from * 5 times more. Join to first sc. Break off and fasten. Sew a flower to top of each stem.

FENCE . . . With Green, ch 13. 1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, sc in next 11 ch. Ch 1, turn. 2nd row: Working in back loops only, sc in next 10 sc. Ch 3, turn. 3rd row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, sc in next ch, working in back loops only, sc in next 10 sc. Ch 1, turn. Repeat 2nd and 3rd rows alternately until piece is same length as lower edge of cover, ending with 3rd row. Ch 1, turn. Last row: Working in back loops only, sc in next 10 sc. Break off, leaving an 8-inch length. Sew the 10 sc of last row to corresponding 10 sts of starting chain. Sew straight edge to lower edge of Cover.
But V.D., you say, what’s wrong with purple ketchup, even if it is a little kooky? Shouldn’t we love our condiments unconditionally, accept them for who they are, and embrace their rainbow-hued diversity?
CAP . . . Top: With Green, ch 4. Join with sl st to form ring. 1st rnd: Ch 1, 7 sc in ring. Do not join rnds. 2nd rnd: 2 sc in each sc around. 3rd rnd: (Sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc) 7 times. 4th rnd: Sl st loosely in each sc around. Break off and fasten.

Side: Work as for Fence until the 21st row has been completed. Next row: Repeat last row of Fence. Sew ends together to form a circle, as for Fence. Sew straight edge to edge of Top.
No, no and NO! Just look at this mug shot. Is this really where you want your ketchup to end up?

Prison green looks terrible on a bottle of ketchup!

So teach your condiments to hide their nakedness for their own good. Then, and only then, can you have your ketchup cake and eat it too.

Click here for the printable pattern.

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