Home Sweet Hell

“Picture Window” from Fluffy Ruffles, 1951

Thanks to your idiot husband – he would have to dabble in the Black Arts – your home has been sucked into a Hell Dimension. Now, there’s an impenetrable grey fog surrounding your domicile, and the unrelenting drabness is getting a mite depressing.

What’s a housewife to do?

Well, I’ll tell you what you can’t do! You can’t let these minor setbacks in life drag you down. You have to march forward cheerfully, with a smile on your face, a song in your heart, and emphatically fey décor throughout your home.

So what are you waiting for? It’s time to make fluffy ruffles...like your life depended on it!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

I don’t recommend making these out of black and white thread, even if it does match the colour of the hell-dimension outside your window. Your hexed home needs colour!

Plus, if you crochet them in Ghoulish Green and Ogre Ochre, your ruffles will match the leering demon visages that occasionally appear in your windows.

MATERIALS:

Clark’s Big Ball Mercerized Crochet, Art. B.34, Size 20, 18 Balls of No. 49 Chartreuse and 3 balls of No. 123-A Flamingo . . . Milwards Steel Crochet Hook No. 9.

On the other hand, resist using clashing colours like Flamingo and Chartreuse. After all, you’re just trying to brighten the place up, not drive your family to flee into the soothing monotony of the demon-fog.

WINDOW RUFFLE . . . Starting at center with Chartreuse, make a chain slightly longer than length desired. 1st row: Dc in 4th ch from hook, dc in next 13 ch, * ch 5, dc in next 13 ch, * ch 5, dc in next 15 ch. Repeat from * across until row measures length desired. Cut off remaining chain. Turn. 2nd row: Sl st in first 2 dc, ch 3, dc in next 12 dc, * ch 5, in next loop make tr, ch 5 and tr; ch 5, skip 1 dc, dc in next 13 dc. Repeat from * across. Turn. 3rd row: Sl st in first 2 dc, dc in next 10 dc, * ch 5, tr in next sp, ch 5, in next sp make tr, ch 5 and tr; ch 5, tr in next sp, ch 5, skip 1 dc, dc in next 11 dc. Repeat from * across. Turn. 4th row: Sl st in first 2 dc, ch 3, dc in next 8 dc, * (ch 5, tr in next sp) twice; ch 5, in next sp make (tr, ch 5) 5 times; (tr in next sp, ch 5) twice; skip 1 dc, dc in next 9 dc. Repeat from * across. Turn. 5th row: Sl st in first 2 dc, ch 3, dc in next 6 dc, * (ch 5, in next sp make tr, ch 5 and tr) 10 times; ch 5, skip 1 dc, dc in next 7 dc. Repeat from * across. Turn. 6th row: Sl st in first 2 dc, ch 3, dc in next 4 dc, * (ch 5, tr in next sp) 21 times; ch 5, skip next dc, dc in next 5 dc. Repeat from * across. Break off. 8th row: Attach Flamingo to first dc on first row, sc in same place, * (ch 4, sc in end dc of next row) 6 times; ch 4, skip next dc, sc in next dc, (ch 4, sc in end dc of next row) 7 times; sc in first end dc of next point. Repeat from * across. Break off. 9th row: Attach Flamingo to first sp on Ruffle, in same sp make sc, ch 5 and sc; (ch 5, in next sp make sc, ch 5 and sc) 19 times; * ch 2, sl st in eighth ch-5 loop made at beginning of Ruffle, ch 2, sc in next sp (first Ruffle joined), ch 5, sc in same sp, (ch 5, in next sp make sc, ch 5 and sc) 3 times; (ch 5, in next sp make sc, ch 5 and sc) 7 times;...

No, you’re not seeing things. The instructions really do read:

“(ch 5, in next sp make sc, ch 5 and sc) 3 times;
(ch 5, in next sp make sc, ch 5 and sc) 7 times;”

Why couldn’t the pattern designer have just written 10 times and be done with it? Maybe she was a crocheting demon!

...ch 2, sl st in corresponding loop on first joined Ruffle, ch 2, sc in next sp, ch 5, sc in same sp, (ch 5, in next sp make sc, ch 5 and sc) 8 times. Repeat from * across, joining all Ruffles the same way. Attach Chartreuse to opposite side of starting chain and complete as before.

FLOWER POT RUFFLE . . . Starting at center with Charteuse make a chain slightly longer than circumference around center of flower pot. 1st row: Work as for Window Ruffle until row measures length desired, having 1 group of dc’s more than circumference of flower pot. Cut off remaining chain and complete as for Window Ruffle.

Starch lightly and press.

Now ignore your family’s demands to know why you’ve spent the last several weeks crocheting ruffles when you could have been helping them search for an escape from this Hell Dimension.

They’re just Philistines, who don’t appreciate the critical importance of handmade home décor to family morale.

Oh well, at least you can always count on dear little Fluffy’s unconditional love.

Click here for the printable pattern.