Poor Sandy. All year, she was a good girl. She obeyed her parents, thought of others before herself, was only seen and never heard.
And this was the thanks she got on her birthday. A cupcake instead of a birthday cake. One lousy candle instead of seven (with one more to grow on). And a hand-me-down velveteen dress that used to belong to her odious big sister, Jane.
“Don’t sulk, Sandy,” Mother scolded. “I crocheted that Peter Pan collar so the dress would be like new. It’s what my mother did when I was growing up. I thought a good girl like you would understand.”
Sandy understood, all right. Unlike her mother, she understood that the privations of the Great Depression and the War Years were over. What’s more, she understood that doing the whole good girl routine from becoming a Brownie to becoming a housewife was for saps. Mom and Jane could go ahead and be patsies, but Sandy wouldn’t be conned anymore.
And when she grew up, she’d never wear Peter Pan collars again!
For the complete pattern (and more snark!):
Clark’s O.N.T. Best Six Cord Mercerized Crochet, Art. B.4, Size 50: 2 balls of White . . . Milwards Steel Crochet Hook No. 12.
Starting at inner edge of collar, ch 203 to measure 12 inches.
1st row: Sc in 3rd ch from hook (picot made), ch 5, skip 3 ch, sc in next ch, * ch 1, picot, ch 5, skip 3 ch, sc in next ch. Repeat from * across. Turn.
Hang on, since when do you make a picot by single crocheting in a chain? Where’s the slip stitching? I was raised to believe you can’t make a picot without slip stitching!2nd to 11th rows incl: Sl st to center of first loop, sc in same loop, * ch 1, picot, ch 5, sc in next loop. Repeat from * across. Turn. Break off at end of 11th row.
It’s bad enough Sandy got a fake birthday cake and gift, but she also got a fake picot?EDGING . . . 1st row: Attach thread to end of first row on collar, sc in same place, * ch 5, sc in next loop. Repeat from * across to opposite end of first row. Ch 1, turn.
2nd row: Cut 6 strands of thread slightly longer than outer edge of collar. Working over these strands, make 6 sc in each sp. Cut off remaining strands. Ch 1, turn.
3rd row: * Picot, ch 5, skip 4 sc, sc in next sc, ch 1. Repeat from * across, ending with sc in last sc. Ch 5, turn.
Yeah, you keep telling yourself that your daughter won’t notice it’s not a real picot. One day, she’ll be surfing the interwebs and discover it’s a FAKE!4th row: * Sc in next loop, ch 5. Repeat from * across. Ch 1, turn.
5th row: Repeat 2nd row.
6th row: * Picot, ch 5, skip 2 sc, sc in next sc, ch 1. Repeat from * across, ending with sc in last sc. Ch 1, turn.
Your daughter will never trust you again. Next thing you know, she won’t listen to your warning not to mix Pop Rocks and Coca Cola and when her stomach explodes, it’ll be all your fault!7th and 8th rows: * Picot, ch 5, sc in next loop, ch 1. Repeat from * across. Ch 1, turn. Break off at end of 8th row. Attach thread to inner edge of collar and sc closely across. Break off.
Starch lightly and press.
Because everybody knows what will happen if you don’t starch lightly...
But what is absolutely, 100% true is how much fun Handmade by Mother has been over the past year. I’m grateful to every single DIYer, commenter, linker, and reader for supporting this labour of sick and twisted love. I look forward to a future filled with frightful knits and crochets.
Click here for the printable pattern.