It’s a little known fact that Paul Simon’s 1976 hit 50 Ways to Leave your Lover was based on a much lesser known 1970 ballad on entrapping lovers with Knit Cling Jumpsuits. So without further ado, Handmade by Mother presents a musical interlude:
There’s no problem trapping men, she said to me
Just knit this jumpsuit using the pattern logically
Then stroke his head as he struggles to get free
There must be fifty ways to net a lover
Fifty ways to net a lover
Hair trapped in a leg, Peg
Snag him in a sleeve, Eve
No need for rope, Hope
Just listen to me
Tangle your man, Jan
You don’t need to wear too much!
Just use static cling, Ling
He’ll never get free!
For the complete pattern (and I absolutely promise no more attempts at songwriting!):
KNIT CLING JUMPSUIT B-797
Fits Sizes 8 to 14.
Ah, nothing creates an atmosphere of dread quite like the guarantee that a single jumpsuit will fit seven different sizes.COATS & CLARK’S RED HEART® KNITING WORSTED, 4 Ply (“Tangle-Proof” Pull-Out Skeins): 20 ounces of No. 758 Mid Rose.
Knitting Needles, 1 pair No. 13.
Crochet Hook, Size J.
GAUGE: 3 sts = 1 inch; 5 rows = 1 inch.
Be sure to check your gauge before starting garment. Use any size needles which will obtain the stitch gauge above.
In other words, Coats & Clark’s accepts no liability should your Knit Jumpsuit not cling.
Or cling a bit too much.RIGHT LEG Starting at lower edge, cast on 72 sts. 1st row—right side: K 1, *k 2 tog, O. Repeat from * across, ending with k 1.
I want to make it very clear that O is simply an abbreviation for yarn over, and not the Story of O. Shame on you for thinking a see-through clingy jumpsuit is somehow kinky!2nd row: Purl. 3rd row: K 2, * O, sl 1, k 1, psso. Repeat from * across to within last 2 sts, k 2. 4th row: Purl. Repeat first through 4th rows for pattern. Work even in pattern until 16 rows in all have been completed. 17th row: K 2 tog, k 1, (k 2 tog, O) 15 times; k 2 tog, k 1—68 sts. 18th and all even rows: Purl. 19th row: K 1, * sl 1, k 1, psso, O. Repeat from * across, ending with k 1. 21st row: Repeat first row. 23rd row: Repeat 3rd row. 25th row: K 2 tog, k 1, k 2 tog, * O, k 2 tog. Repeat from * across to within last 3 sts, O, k 1, k 2 tog—one st decreased at each end of row. Repeat 18th through 25th rows twice more. There are 62 sts on last row. Now work even until total length is 23 inches or 2 inches less than desired length to crotch, ending with a p row. Two inches allowed for stretching. Last st worked is front edge.
One day, every decent, upstanding citizen will embrace this fashion of the future.
Crotch Shaping: 1st row: Keeping in pattern, bind off 4 sts, complete row. 2nd row: Bind off 6 sts, complete row. Dec one st at both ends of every other row 6 times. Work even over remaining 40 sts until length from first row of crotch shaping is 10 inches, ending with 3rd pattern row. Slip these sts onto a stitch holder to be worked later.
Because there’s nothing more tragic than a shapeless crotch.
Did I say tragic? I meant hilarious.LEFT LEG Work as for Right Leg, reversing crotch shapings, ending with same row as on Right Leg. Break off. Turn. Slip first 20 sts onto a stitch holder. Next row: Attach yarn to next st and p remaining 20 sts of Right Leg Stitch holder.
BACK Working over the 40 sts on needle only, continue in pattern, increasing one st at both ends of next row and every 8th row thereafter until there are 52 sts on needle. Work even until total length from first row of crotch shaping is 19½ inches.
That’s right, it doesn’t matter if you’re 4 foot nothing or 6 feet tall, a 19½ inches BACK is what you’re knitting. Which means your meticulously shaped crotch will either be sagging down to your knees or giving you an atomic wedgie.Armhole Shaping: Keeping in pattern, bind off 2 sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec one st at both ends of every other row 4 times. Work even over remaining 40 sts until length from first row of armhole shaping is 8 inches.
Shoulder Shaping: Bind off 4 sts at beg of next 2 rows. Bind off 6 sts at beg of next 2 rows. Bind off remaining 20 sts for back of neck.
RIGHT FRONT Slip the 20 sts from Right Leg holder onto a needle. With wrong side facing, attach yarn to first st—side edge; p the 20 sts. Last st worked is front edge. Keeping front edge straight, inc one st at side edge on next row and every 8th row thereafter 5 times more—26 sts. Work 1 row even after last inc row, thus ending at front edge.
Neck Shaping: Bind off 2 sts at beg of next row. Dec one st at neck edge every other row 8 times in all;
when length from first row of crotch shaping is same as Back to armhole shaping, ending at side edge, shape armhole as follows:
Thank God for that Bolded, ALL CAPS warning. I was in imminent danger of my crotch not lining up with my armholes.Armhole Shaping: Bind off 2 sts at beg of next row. Dec one st at armhole edge every other row 4 times. Keeping armhole edge even, continue decs at neck edge as directed. Work even over remaining 10 sts until length from first row of armhole shaping is same as Back to shoulder shaping, ending at armhole edge.
Shoulder Shaping: 1st row: Bind off 4 sts, complete row. 2nd row: Work across. Bind off remaining sts.
LEFT FRONT Slip sts from holder onto a needle. With wrong side facing, attach yarn to first st at front edge and work to correspond with Right Front, reversing shapings.
SLEEVES Starting at lower edge, cast on 24 sts. Work in pattern as for Back, increasing one st at both ends of every 8th row 8 times in all. Work even over 40 sts until total length is 17½ inches, ending with a p row.
Make sure you only knit 17½ inches, because wanting a sleeve that matches your individual arm length is thoughtcrime, comrade.Top Shaping: Bind off 2 sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec one st at both ends of every other row until 14 sts remain, then dec one st at both ends of next 2 rows. Bind off remaining sts.
BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU knit this clingy jumpsuit.
Press lightly through damp cloth. Sew leg seams to crotch.
Because sewing the legs to the sleeves would be doubleplusungood.Starting at crotch, sew back seam. Starting at crotch, sew front seam to within 5 inches of neck shaping. Sew side, shoulder and sleeve seams. Sew in sleeves, holding top in to fit.
Edging: 1st rnd: With right side facing, being careful to keep work flat and making 3 sc in each corner, sc evenly along front opening and neck edges. Join with sl st to first sc. 2nd rnd: Sc in each sc around. Join. Break off and fasten.
Cord: Make a chain 2½ yards long. Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. Break off and fasten. Lace cord through fronts as shown.
And make the cord bright red, comrade! This jumpsuit is the Junior Anti-Sex League’s casual wear.
Clingy jumpsuits for everyone!
*sigh* I love Big Brother.
Click here for the printable pattern.