Handmade by Mother: Sexapalooza is Coming to Your Town!

Knitted Hot Pants from “Hot Pants to Knit & Crochet”, 1971.

Assuming, that is, you’re lucky enough to live in the Canadian cities of Ottawa, Toronto, or Hamilton.

What, pray tell, is Sexapalooza?

Why it’s an “adult fun show”, which in Canada means it’s an upscale trade show aimed at entertaining and educating consumers about all aspects of human sexuality.

Zzzz... *snore*

I’m sure it’s no reflection on Sexapalooza’s naughtiness quotient that I haven’t been able to track down so much as a peep of protest. Just because a sex show rigidly adheres to community standards and municipal by-laws for its entire three year history doesn’t mean it’ll be Snoozeapalooza, right? In fact, I might have to check it out myself.

Solely for the educational aspects, of course!

In honor of PG-13-palooza, I give you Hot Pants; proving once and for all that today’s generation is no trashier than any other in the previous forty years. That’s right, kids, the world is not going to heck in a handbasket after all. Grandma liked to flash her belly button too.

Just be glad she’s not still doing it, because that really would be the end of the world as you know it.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

KNITTED HOT PANTS

Directions are given for Small Size. Changes for Medium and Large Sizes are in parentheses.

COATS & CLARK’S RED HEART “WINTUK” SPORT YARN, 2 Ply (2 oz. “Tangle-Proof” Pull-Out Skeins):
For Style F: 4 (5, 5) ounces of No. 795 Cerise, 2 ounces of No. 230 Yellow for each size and 4 (4, 5) ounces of No. 1 White.

Knitting Needles, 1 pair No. 4 and No. 6.

1 yard elastic, 3.4 inch wide, for each pair of pants.

GAUGE: With No. 6 needles:
Stockinette st – 6 sts = 1 inch;
8 rows = 1 inch.

Be sure to check your gauge before starting garments. Use any size needles which will obtain the stitch gauge above.

BLOCKING MEASUREMENTS

I’m beginning to wonder if we’re ever going to get to the actual pattern.

SIZES: Small, Medium, Large
Body Bust Size (In Inches): 30 1/2 – 31 1/2, 32 1/2 – 34, 36
Hip: 32 1/2 – 33 1/2, 34 1/2 – 36, 38

Apparently, any woman with a hip circumference larger than 38 inches shouldn’t be wearing Hot Pants.

*sob* My forty inches never felt so wide.

To Determine Size: Take your own bust and hip measurements. Make size of Top with Body Bust Size given, which is closest to your bust measurements; make size of Pants with Body Hip Size given, which is closest to your hip measurement.

Then burn your measuring tape, and buy a litre of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream. Chow down in front of the TV, but don’t be distracted by how adorable Nathan Fillion is. Remember, you’re supposed to be upset about the patriarchal oppression of the fashion industry.

Stop that, Nathan! I’m trying to be upset at men right now!

STYLE F – TOP

Hurray! It’s the actual pattern!

Stripe Pattern: 8 rows Cerise, 2 rows White, 4 rows Yellow and 2 rows White. Repeat these 16 rows for Stripe Pattern.

Starting at lower edge with White and No. 6 needles, cast on 78 (86, 92) sts. Work 32 rows in k 1, p 1 ribbing. Work Bodice same as for Style D in stockinette st and Stripe Pattern as given.

Neck and Armhole Edgings: With White, work as for Edgings of Style D. Sew side seams.

Turns out I was wrong. That wasn’t the actual pattern. The actual pattern is coyly hidden within an entirely different pattern.

I’m not sure the Mary Janes and knee socks really go with the rest of her outfit. And what’s she doing? Sure, Hot Pants don’t provide a lot of support, but I doubt she needs to hold up her tiny little belly with both hands. Or is she just performing the pee-pee dance?

Regardless of whether you suffer from adult incontinence or body dysmorphia, this pattern’s for you!

As long as your hip measurements aren’t wider than 38 inches.

STYLE D – TOP

For Style D: 5 (6, 6) ounces of No. 648 Apple Green and 5 (6, 6) ounces of No. 1 White.

BACK: Starting at lower edge with White and No. 6 needles, cast on 100 (108, 114) sts. Work in k 1, p 1 ribbing for 3 inches. Keeping continuity of ribbing as established, dec one st at both ends of next row and every 7th row thereafter 11 times in all. Work even in ribbing over remaining 78 (86, 92) sts until total length is 12 (12 1/2, 13) inches.

Bodice: 1st row: Increasing 5 sts evenly spaces, k across – 83 (91, 97) sts. Starting with a p row, work in stockinette st (k 1 row, p 1 row) and increasing one st at both ends of every 8th row 3 times in all. Work even over these 89 (97, 103) sts until length of Bodice is 4 inches, ending with a p row.

Armhole Shaping: Bind off 4 (5, 6) sts at bed of next 2 rows. Dec one st at both ends of next row and every other row thereafter 11 (12, 12) times in all. Work even over remaining 59 (63, 67) sts until length from first row of armhole shaping is 6 1/2 (7, 7 1/2) inches, ending with a p row.

Shoulder and Neck Shapings: 1st row: K 21 (22, 23), place remaining sts on a stitch holder. 2nd row: Bind off 6 sts – neck edge; p across. 3rd row: Bind off 3 sts – shoulder edge; k across. Repeat last 2 rows once. Bind off remaining sts.

Leaving the 17 (19, 21) center sts on stitch holder, slip remaining sts onto a needle, attach yarn to next st at neck edge and k across. Reversing shapings, work to correspond with other side.

FRONT: Work same as Back to within 2 rows before Armhole Shaping, ending with a p row.

That’s right, after hours and hours of sport-weight knitting fun, you’re not even half way done!

I bet you’re really glad now that you didn’t just take a pair of scissors and cut off the bottom of your t-shirt to make the crop-top.

Neck and Armhole Shapings: 1st row: K 36 (39, 41), place remaining sts on a stitch holder. 2nd row: Dec one st – neck edge; p across. 3rd row: Bind off 4 (5, 6) sts – armhole edge; k across. Now dec one st at neck edge on every other row 11 times more.

AT SAME TIME

You know, shouting and centering isn’t going to be enough to stop knitters who don’t read ahead.

You know who you are. Hang your head in shame as you pick out the last three rows.

Dec one st at armhole edge every other row 11 (12, 12) times in all. Work even over remaining 9 (10, 11) sts until length from first row of armhole shaping is 6 1/2 (7, 7 1/2) inches, ending at armhole edge.

Shoulder Shaping: Bind off 3 sts at beg of next row and every other row twice; at same edge bind off remaining sts.
Leaving the 17 (19, 21) center sts on stitch holder, slip remaining 36 (39, 41) sts onto a needle, attach yarn to first st at neck edge, and work to correspond with other side, reversing shapings. Sew right shoulder seam.

Neck edging: With right side facing, using No. 4 needles and Green, starting at ledt shoulder, pick up and k 152 (162, 172) sts around entire neck edge including sts on stitch holders. Work 3 rows in k 1, p 1 ribbing. Bind off in ribbing. Sew left shoulder seam.

Armhole edging: With right side facing, using No. 4. needles and Green, pick up and k 106 (114, 122) sts around entire armhole edge. Complete as for Neck edging. Sew side seams.

Still, even if you had cropped a t-shirt instead, you’ll never look as cool as this eighties gal.

She’s even got her own action figure!

STYLE F – PANTS

And we have now reached the end of our very lengthy detour, and have arrived back to the cool seventies pattern which this post is ostensibly about.

Remember this gal? She needs pants!

But not stockings! She’s already got some rocking polka dot pantyhose.

After all, if you wore Hot Pants with bare legs people might say you dress like a floozy.

Right Front Leg: Starting at lower edge with White and No. 6 needles, cast on 52 (56, 58) sts. Work in k 1, p 1 ribbing for 2 1/4 inches, for Medium Size Only dec one st on last row. For all sizes, break off White, attach Cerise. Starting at Crotch and Side Edge Shapings, work same as for Style D in Stockinette st and in Stripe Pattern given for Top.

Left Front Leg: Work as for Right Front Leg, reversing shapings.

Right Back Leg: Starting at lower edge with White and No. 6 needles, cast on 58 (62, 64) sts. Work in ribbing as for Front Legs, for Medium Size Only dec one st on last row. For all sizes, working in Stripe Pattern as before and starting at Crotch and Side Edge Shapings, work same as for Style D.

Left Back Leg: Work as for Right Back Leg, reversing shapings.

Finish as for Style D.

Not Again!

Okay, here’s the pattern for Style D.

I don’t think one container of Ben & Jerry’s is going to be enough by itself. All this pattern hopping also calls for chocolate sauce.

STYLE D – PANTS

Right Front Leg: Starting at lower edge with No. 4 needles and Green, cast on 52 (55, 58) sts. Work 7 rows in stockinette st (k 1 row, p 1 row) for hem facing, ending with a k row. Next row: K across for turning ridge. Change to No. 6 needles. Work even in stockinette st until length from turning ridge is 2 inches, ending with a p row.

That’s a very important p row. Make sure you don’t overlook it.

Crotch and Side Edge Shapings: 1st row: Bind off 6 sts – crotch; work across, increasing one st in last st – side edge. Continue in stockinette st, decreasing one st at crotch edge every other row 5 times.

AT THE SAME TIME

Eep!

I can’t take all this pressure! I’m adding whipping cream to my chocolate-sauced ice cream.

Inc one st at side edge every 7th row 6 times. Work even over remaining 48 (51, 54) sts until length from hemline is 10 (10 1/2, 11) inches, ending with a k row.

Next row: K across for turning ridge. Work 1 inch even for waist facing. Bind off.

Left Front Leg: Work as for Right Front Leg until length from turning ridge is 2 inches, ending with a k row. Starting with first row of Crotch and Side Edge Shapings, work as for Right Front Leg, reversing shapings.

Right Back Leg: Starting at lower edge with No. 4 needles, cast on 58 (61, 64) sts. Work as for Left Front Leg until the first row of Crotch and Side Edge Shapings has been completed. Now dec one st at crotch edge every other row 9 times.

AT THE SAME TIME

I hope by now we’ve all learned to read the entire pattern before we start knitting.

No?

Okay, where’s my chopped walnuts and brownies?

Inc one st at side edge every 7th row 6 times. Work even over remaining 50 (53, 56) sts until length from hemline is 10 (10 1/2, 11) inches, ending at crotch edge.

Waist Shaping: 1st row: Work across to within last 17 sts, turn. Do not work over these 17 sts. 2nd row: Work across. Repeat last 2 rows once. 5th row – Turning ridge: K across all 50 (53, 56) sts. Work 1 inch even for waist facing. Bind off.

Left Back Leg: Work as for Right Back Leg, reversing shapings.

Sew center front and back seams, inner leg seams and side seams. Turn all facings to wrong side on turning ridges and sew in place, leaving an opening at waist for elastic. Draw elastic through waistband, holding in to desired waist measurement. Sew ends together. Sew up opening.

And then dive into one of these. You deserve it!

So what if you’ll never be able to fit into your new Hot Pants afterwards. You weren’t going to hang onto that 38 inch hip circumference forever anyway.